Grief had a funny way of sneaking up on me. I have been at such peace and so thankful to God for allowing the peace I needed since I learned that my son was no longer alive. This was until about 2 weeks ago. I developed such anger and the tears started flowing. In all honesty, the tears have only grown stronger. It is true what they say about the love a mother has for her child. When I didn't think I could love anyone else, Riley filled my heart. Today I mourn not only for short time I had with my son, but for the few memories that I am left with. Today, and the past 2 weeks, I am in a new part of my mourning.
I am learning that the word 'child' use to have such a fun, heavenly, light feeling. Joy could be heard in the word. However, now it comes with such a heavy tone. And, the more people I talk to, the more I am finding out that what should be such a blessing, has become somewhat of a burden or a lost hope. When my time comes, when I get to go to Heaven and see my precious baby boy again, I am going to ask why. Why did many who would make great parents never experience it? Why did people who should not have had to endure the pain of loosing a child experience it?
Many people asked what they could do for us after our loss. I often said to pray, and to continue to pray when our parents went back home, when life would go back to normal for the world as we would learn to live without our son. Pray because the enemy would not leave us, he would prey upon our weakest moments. I am fighting the enemy now. I believe our God is big enough to hear me tell him I am angry. I also know he has not left me for he is the one who has given me the last 3 omens of friends being pregnant before they could tell me. But I also know that Satan is using that news to steal my hope. I am in a battle with trying to hold onto the little hope that I have left, believing that I deserve to be a mother, and letting it all go to God whom I am so angry with.
It is rather a sight when I picture myself telling God, Abba, how upset I am. I use the term Abba because he is our Father, and I like a little girl trying to get her way, we use loving terms for our fathers before trying to persuade them. And when we are not getting our way, we tend to say "Father". I picture him smiling back at me, maybe even with a chuckle, like I just threw a temper tantrum over not getting ice cream before bed. Because as painful as it is, as much as it hurts, loosing Riley after being blessed to carry him for 37 weeks is something beyond my understanding, but part of God's plan for me. He is my Heavenly father and he has a plan for me. I will get past this point, I am not sure when, but I also know he his holding me up as many friends have felt called to pray for me lately without knowing that I am having a difficult time getting out of bed.
At this point in my grieving, only a little more than 2 months since our loss, I feel very alone and very empty. I know that I am not alone, I know that I may have to fight harder than I ever have before to get up again this time, but my son and his memory are what keep me going. Your continued thoughts and prayers give me the strength that I lack. Today, not even the beautiful sunshine could put a smile on my face. Today, I ached for when I could lay back in bed and cry. Today, Selah's song, "I Will Carry You" is being played on repeat as I weep for Riley and the few memories I am left with and the expectations I am learning to let go of.
Dear Abba, please give me the strength I need to get up tomorrow. The strength I need to honor my husband and to help him succeed in his dreams. But tonight, just wrap your loving arms around me as I miss my son and let me weep until my tear ducts run dry. Thank you for preparing me for the pregnancy news of my friends, and please continue to prepare me for future news. But, please, if I am to be blessed to bear another child, will you prepare me for that hope before it is all gone? I will honor you and I will serve you the rest of the days of my life, and I am grateful that you are a forgiving God and an understanding God. Please continue to smile at me when I am angry and remind me that you have this. That all of this is your plan and you have known my purpose before you created me in my mother's womb.
Lyrics to Selah's "I Will Carry You" below:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
Monday, April 15, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Anger
I am hesitant to post my current feelings. I have been hesitant to post some of my more difficult moments during my time of mourning and healing. However, I realized today, that I am human, and those difficult times are natural. I realized that when I continue to put my personal life online for others to see, it may help someone else gather the strength they need to get through their day. It also may help others to imagine what women in situations similar to mine are going through.
Today I am angry. I wish there was a stronger word, or a word that could describe that I am angry BECAUSE I am angry. I am angry squared! Sometimes my anger comes out of nowhere. Sometimes my anger comes from little things. Sometimes my anger comes from others happiness.
I will share some of the things that have been recent causes of my anger.
1. My fingers swelled up, causing my wedding ring to cut into my skin. The same ring I had been able to get back onto my finger only weeks before after months of not being able to wear it. I love my ring! I want to wear my ring! Not being able to wear it reminds me that I was pregnant, and my pregnancy not only left me with a beautiful baby boy born into heaven, but it left me with 30 pounds of unwanted weight. I do not have late nights with a newborn so I should be going to the gym, but I would rather lay in bed and cry. The other day, we stopped by a jewelry store to see if they could get the ring off my finger without cutting it. When they were not successful, we walked away, and I started to loose it. I was reminded me to keep it together, but now, I wish I had not. It is alright for me to cry. It is alright for me to loose it in the middle of the store. I have EVERY right to let my tears flow. These are tears of hope, sadness, frustration, heartbreak from 37 weeks of carrying Riley PLUS years of wanting a child.
2. Facebook pictures of friends newborns and pregnancy announcements can make me angry. I have thought about boycotting facebook for awhile. And, I still may do so. I used to love seeing the pictures. Now, I love seeing the picture and I am honestly happy for the people in the photo, but I am jealous that it is not me. I feel like I failed somehow. I passed the pregnancy test, but never made it through the school of mom. Now I am scared to ever take the test again. Should I be blessed with passing the test, how long will I attend the pre-requisites? I know that I will question every second of every day of every week of every month for ALL my future pregnancies. I will not be as excited during any possible future pregnancies. I will not share the news. That is not fair to the other child, but I know that is the reality of my new normal life. That makes me angry, angry that I do not have hope and angry that I will not be an excited pregnant woman.
3. Having my period makes me angry. For many who do not know my, and for some that do, you may not be aware that I was researching artificial insemination before I met Andrew. I wanted to be a mother so desperately. My periods have never been very regular, and I feared that as I aged I would not have many eggs left. I have always said that I wanted to have 4 children. I wanted to be pregnant 4 times. I felt my biological clock pounding more than ticking! I had given up on dating, and decided it was time to focus on starting a family on my own. Fortunately, my mom did not give up praying for the perfect spouse for me, and Andrew came along. However, after each period, comes a time for ovulation, and a time of egg loss. We are only born with so many eggs, and I fear that my time is running out. Having MTHFR does not help my feelings. This makes me want to tear down the 2 nurseries and quit having the dream of biological children. It is not fair to my husband in our marriage to turn each day of the month into figuring out what day it is in my cycle and then wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test only to have to start all over again the next month. Now, I realize it has only been 2 months since we lost Riley, but, if you know me well you know that I worry and this is my fear of what our lives will become if I continue the dream of having biological children.
So, please forgive me if I hide out for awhile, or you see me "loose it" in the grocery store. Having a child born into Heaven, especially my first born will be something that is a part of my life everyday. I do not feel like I should have to mask what I am feeling. Granted, there are situations that are more appropriate to mask my current feelings than others, but I ask for your patience and forgiveness. I also ask for your continued prayers. When I shared my anger with my sister tonight, this is what she had to say:
"God isn't trying to hurt you. He wants to bless you, but in His time. Prove your faithfulness to Him. Focus on Him and His promises to you, and try to stop focusing on how you feel about everything. I know it won't be easy, but keep in mind...we ARE allowed to ask Him for help to stop feeling the way we do, and it's still our job to try, not just expect Him to miraculously fix it. But you might have months Have faith Angie. Even when it seems foolish and energy-wasting. Because in all honestly, WHEN YOU DOUBT, YOU LET SATAN WIN...Satan attacks those he is most threatened by. Have faith in God and you'll watch Satan cry out in misery. misery loves company and Satan's trying to ask you out to dinner because he thinks this coffee date is going well."
She is wise beyond her years! And I am posting this as my "text" during the coffee date, asking for someone to call me with an emergency and help get me out of it! I am also posting this so if you are also suffering you know you are not alone, and it is alright to ask for help.
May God Bless You All. May God bless those who desire to have children, who currently do not. May God bless those parents and heal the children who are suffering with different ailments. May God bless those who are angry with him as I am right now. I know he is big enough to handle it, but it only angers me more that I am angry right now....if that makes any sense to any of you!
Today I am angry. I wish there was a stronger word, or a word that could describe that I am angry BECAUSE I am angry. I am angry squared! Sometimes my anger comes out of nowhere. Sometimes my anger comes from little things. Sometimes my anger comes from others happiness.
I will share some of the things that have been recent causes of my anger.
1. My fingers swelled up, causing my wedding ring to cut into my skin. The same ring I had been able to get back onto my finger only weeks before after months of not being able to wear it. I love my ring! I want to wear my ring! Not being able to wear it reminds me that I was pregnant, and my pregnancy not only left me with a beautiful baby boy born into heaven, but it left me with 30 pounds of unwanted weight. I do not have late nights with a newborn so I should be going to the gym, but I would rather lay in bed and cry. The other day, we stopped by a jewelry store to see if they could get the ring off my finger without cutting it. When they were not successful, we walked away, and I started to loose it. I was reminded me to keep it together, but now, I wish I had not. It is alright for me to cry. It is alright for me to loose it in the middle of the store. I have EVERY right to let my tears flow. These are tears of hope, sadness, frustration, heartbreak from 37 weeks of carrying Riley PLUS years of wanting a child.
2. Facebook pictures of friends newborns and pregnancy announcements can make me angry. I have thought about boycotting facebook for awhile. And, I still may do so. I used to love seeing the pictures. Now, I love seeing the picture and I am honestly happy for the people in the photo, but I am jealous that it is not me. I feel like I failed somehow. I passed the pregnancy test, but never made it through the school of mom. Now I am scared to ever take the test again. Should I be blessed with passing the test, how long will I attend the pre-requisites? I know that I will question every second of every day of every week of every month for ALL my future pregnancies. I will not be as excited during any possible future pregnancies. I will not share the news. That is not fair to the other child, but I know that is the reality of my new normal life. That makes me angry, angry that I do not have hope and angry that I will not be an excited pregnant woman.
3. Having my period makes me angry. For many who do not know my, and for some that do, you may not be aware that I was researching artificial insemination before I met Andrew. I wanted to be a mother so desperately. My periods have never been very regular, and I feared that as I aged I would not have many eggs left. I have always said that I wanted to have 4 children. I wanted to be pregnant 4 times. I felt my biological clock pounding more than ticking! I had given up on dating, and decided it was time to focus on starting a family on my own. Fortunately, my mom did not give up praying for the perfect spouse for me, and Andrew came along. However, after each period, comes a time for ovulation, and a time of egg loss. We are only born with so many eggs, and I fear that my time is running out. Having MTHFR does not help my feelings. This makes me want to tear down the 2 nurseries and quit having the dream of biological children. It is not fair to my husband in our marriage to turn each day of the month into figuring out what day it is in my cycle and then wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test only to have to start all over again the next month. Now, I realize it has only been 2 months since we lost Riley, but, if you know me well you know that I worry and this is my fear of what our lives will become if I continue the dream of having biological children.
So, please forgive me if I hide out for awhile, or you see me "loose it" in the grocery store. Having a child born into Heaven, especially my first born will be something that is a part of my life everyday. I do not feel like I should have to mask what I am feeling. Granted, there are situations that are more appropriate to mask my current feelings than others, but I ask for your patience and forgiveness. I also ask for your continued prayers. When I shared my anger with my sister tonight, this is what she had to say:
"God isn't trying to hurt you. He wants to bless you, but in His time. Prove your faithfulness to Him. Focus on Him and His promises to you, and try to stop focusing on how you feel about everything. I know it won't be easy, but keep in mind...we ARE allowed to ask Him for help to stop feeling the way we do, and it's still our job to try, not just expect Him to miraculously fix it. But you might have months Have faith Angie. Even when it seems foolish and energy-wasting. Because in all honestly, WHEN YOU DOUBT, YOU LET SATAN WIN...Satan attacks those he is most threatened by. Have faith in God and you'll watch Satan cry out in misery. misery loves company and Satan's trying to ask you out to dinner because he thinks this coffee date is going well."
She is wise beyond her years! And I am posting this as my "text" during the coffee date, asking for someone to call me with an emergency and help get me out of it! I am also posting this so if you are also suffering you know you are not alone, and it is alright to ask for help.
May God Bless You All. May God bless those who desire to have children, who currently do not. May God bless those parents and heal the children who are suffering with different ailments. May God bless those who are angry with him as I am right now. I know he is big enough to handle it, but it only angers me more that I am angry right now....if that makes any sense to any of you!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
A Mother's Worry
It has now been a little over 6 weeks since I gave birth to our precious Riley. We have been covered by so much prayer! God's grace has kept us in such peace! What a blessing!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Today, I learned that I have 1 mutation for the MTHFR gene. I felt my heart stop as I heard this news. It is a more mild form of MTHFR, but to hear that I have it at all was shocking. That is also when the enemy started talking in my ear. He has been saying things like, "Good luck getting pregnant again." "Good luck carrying a child to term." "Good luck ever having a healthy, baby on Earth." And he says them with such bitterness and hate! Unfortunately, my doctor was out and the nurse could not answer all my questions. Therefore, what did I do? I turned to google...not a good idea!
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:7-10
I have to remember that God is in charge! That he has this, that he has us! My wonderful husband reminded me how quickly I clotted after delivering Riley. He reminded me that the prescriptions I have to take if we are pregnant again will help. I also talked to a dear friend who has MTHFR. She dropped what she was doing to come pray with Andrew and I. We are so blessed!
God is so much bigger than my MTHFR!
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:25-27
I am human. I have to constantly tell myself not to worry. And I need reminders daily from loving friends and family about how BIG God is! It is natural to worry. To worry about future pregnancies. I fear that it will take me years to hold a crying baby of our own in my arms. How awesome is it when I have the moments I do not fear! When I remember God is in charge! How awesome is it when I let the Holy Spirit remind me that I am a gift from God! He reminds me that I need to practice patience and to put my trust in God. He reminds me of how blessed I truly am. He reminds me that sometimes I get caught up in the materialistic world and need to put my sights on His Heavenly Kingdom. A Kingdom that our son is living in right now!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
If you are like me, and desire in your heart to be pregnant and to one day soon hold your own precious, crying, baby in your arms, please remember God is in charge. We do not know the plans He has for us. We only know that we can pray often throughout the day for His guidance as we live.
And, if you know me, please remind me of that as well!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Our church completed a Jericho walk this past week. We were encouraged to walk our neighborhoods or anywhere we felt called each night. On the 7th night, we met at our future church building grounds and walked the perimeter 7 times. At the start of each lap we were given a slip of paper with a suggestion on what to pray about as we walked that lap. God spoke very clearly to me that night, and I know I was stubborn and selfish and did not fully listen to his words! I know now that he was preparing me for that phone call from my doctors office. He told me to give it ALL to him. I am ashamed to admit that I let the enemy talk louder to me during most that night. The enemy pointed out all of my friends who were also walking. The enemy said, "Look, God gave them children and you could not even keep your one!" Tears flooded my eyes as we walked. Even as I listened, and my heart sank looking at the children, I prayed for God to help me. I told Andrew that it was difficult to watch the other children that night. God kept reminding me how just earlier that evening I held the beautiful daughter of a dear friend and she sang along with the songs. God reminded me how precious that was to hear. God reminded me that even though those children were not my own, they are gifts from God and to enjoy their presence to help heal my broken heart. I hear him say, "Peace child. Have no fear. Do you not trust me?"
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
Less of us God. Less of me God. More of You God!!!
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
Today, I learned that I have 1 mutation for the MTHFR gene. I felt my heart stop as I heard this news. It is a more mild form of MTHFR, but to hear that I have it at all was shocking. That is also when the enemy started talking in my ear. He has been saying things like, "Good luck getting pregnant again." "Good luck carrying a child to term." "Good luck ever having a healthy, baby on Earth." And he says them with such bitterness and hate! Unfortunately, my doctor was out and the nurse could not answer all my questions. Therefore, what did I do? I turned to google...not a good idea!
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:7-10
I have to remember that God is in charge! That he has this, that he has us! My wonderful husband reminded me how quickly I clotted after delivering Riley. He reminded me that the prescriptions I have to take if we are pregnant again will help. I also talked to a dear friend who has MTHFR. She dropped what she was doing to come pray with Andrew and I. We are so blessed!
God is so much bigger than my MTHFR!
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:25-27
I am human. I have to constantly tell myself not to worry. And I need reminders daily from loving friends and family about how BIG God is! It is natural to worry. To worry about future pregnancies. I fear that it will take me years to hold a crying baby of our own in my arms. How awesome is it when I have the moments I do not fear! When I remember God is in charge! How awesome is it when I let the Holy Spirit remind me that I am a gift from God! He reminds me that I need to practice patience and to put my trust in God. He reminds me of how blessed I truly am. He reminds me that sometimes I get caught up in the materialistic world and need to put my sights on His Heavenly Kingdom. A Kingdom that our son is living in right now!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
If you are like me, and desire in your heart to be pregnant and to one day soon hold your own precious, crying, baby in your arms, please remember God is in charge. We do not know the plans He has for us. We only know that we can pray often throughout the day for His guidance as we live.
And, if you know me, please remind me of that as well!
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Our church completed a Jericho walk this past week. We were encouraged to walk our neighborhoods or anywhere we felt called each night. On the 7th night, we met at our future church building grounds and walked the perimeter 7 times. At the start of each lap we were given a slip of paper with a suggestion on what to pray about as we walked that lap. God spoke very clearly to me that night, and I know I was stubborn and selfish and did not fully listen to his words! I know now that he was preparing me for that phone call from my doctors office. He told me to give it ALL to him. I am ashamed to admit that I let the enemy talk louder to me during most that night. The enemy pointed out all of my friends who were also walking. The enemy said, "Look, God gave them children and you could not even keep your one!" Tears flooded my eyes as we walked. Even as I listened, and my heart sank looking at the children, I prayed for God to help me. I told Andrew that it was difficult to watch the other children that night. God kept reminding me how just earlier that evening I held the beautiful daughter of a dear friend and she sang along with the songs. God reminded me how precious that was to hear. God reminded me that even though those children were not my own, they are gifts from God and to enjoy their presence to help heal my broken heart. I hear him say, "Peace child. Have no fear. Do you not trust me?"
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
Less of us God. Less of me God. More of You God!!!
"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:5
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Stage of Life
Last fall, I had the pleasure of attending a women's bible study on Tuesday nights. The same leader started a new lesson in January, and due to prior commitments and the growing Riley inside of me, I was unable to attend a session until last night.
Last night, I had the opportunity to sit in on the bible study. Although I missed the first few weeks, and due to prior obligations, I will miss next week, I still feel like last night gave me a point to ponder and share.
Last night, we discussed seasons of life. The study is called "The Life Ready Woman". In the workbook for this study, there is a page that has different seasons of life in boxes. There were stages such as "Newly married, no children", "Married with pre-school age children", "Married with grade school children", "Married with teens", "Married, Empty Nester", "Widowed", "Not Married". In each stage there was a list of wise steps to take during that stage of your life. Below the wise steps was a key bible verse to look up, geared toward those wise steps. The author, Shaunti Feldhahn, tells the listeners to place a star by the stage or even stages of life they believe they are currently in. She mentioned that you will not necessarily go through the stages in order, or even go through all of the stages.
As I sat looking at the list of stages, I felt more driven to looking at the "Married, Empty Nester" stage. Andrew and I will have been married two years this coming July, making us newly married, but, we do have a son. Our son lives with Jesus instead of with us. So, what stage of life am I in? It only seemed fitting for us to be in the "Married, Empty Nester" stage. As I read the wise steps, it felt like my life at that moment.
Our leader advised us to share the stage of our life we selected with our husband, if we were married, to see if they agreed and what their thoughts may be as to how we are doing following the wise steps.
I have listed the wise steps for "Married, Empty Nester" below with my thoughts along with Andrew's when I shared it with him.
"Build new ways of connecting with your husband and enjoying life together."
Angela: This is true, we are doing this now. For nine months we focused on our growing child. We focused on opening Andrew's practice. We focused on the health care I needed as well as the visits we needed to monitor Riley's heart. As Riley grew bigger, I added a maternity pillow to our bed. Andrew called it my husband barrier. I would go to bed early to keep my feet up and Andrew would be in the living room watching sports. Now, we are watching TV together, we go to bed about the same time, and I am sleeping in his arms without my "husband barrier". We do not have Riley at home with us to change his diapers or hold him. This leaves us with time to spend together and more energy than new parents usually have.
Andrew: We started this more so with the building of the business. We spend more time together now than when we were dating or even early in our marriage. We talk more and pray more together.
"Reinvent your life!"
Angela: Wow! We really are. We expected to be doing so much with Riley at this time. Now we are learning to live without our Riley at home with us. The baby stuff is mostly in the nursery and not scattered throughout the house. We donated the formula to the local Pregnancy Center. We started planning our year again with trips that we had cancelled because the pediatric cardiologist advised against traveling.
Andrew: We have been doing devotionals together. We started after we received a devotional as a gift on New Year's Day. We started reading a second devotional book that we received after Riley's Memorial Service.
"Invest more time in kingdom work that engages your gifts and interests."
Angela: We started doing this back when we first learned about Riley's heart. We focused on it with more enthusiasm when Riley went to Heaven. I am praying more, more out loud in front of people, although not as often as I should. I am praying that God continues to show me what his plan is for me after losing my son. I pray that he shows me what his overall plan for my life is.
Andrew: I started going to a men's bible study. We started attending a Prayer 101 class. We have Christian based practices in our business.
"Consider mentoring younger women."
Angela: I would not say that I am mentoring younger women. But, I would say that from the few who have reached out to me after reading my blogs or facebook posts have mentioned how they are healing or taking in what I have been writing, that I am somewhat mentoring other women. I am honored these women reach out to me. I am honored when they share their story. I blog and talk on facebook, not for the focus of mentoring, but for the focus of healing, for the focus on listening to God when he tells me to write about my feelings.
Andrew: I don't mentor young women, but the words that I have written on Facebook regarding our son Riley and our ability to lean on God for strength have surely touched the lives of women in my life, whether they be friends, colleagues, or people I don't even know.
I challenge you to look at your life, look at what your life consists of right now and think about the stage of life you are currently in. I have not listed all the wise steps for each stage. If you want to read the wise steps they are found in the book, "The Life Ready Woman" by Shaunti Feldhahn. But even without seeing them, think about how the stage of life you are in is glorifying his kingdom. Think about what your time and energy are focused on. Do you need to redirect some of your focus in one area to another? Are you living your life as a witness to Christ?
I want to live my life as a witness to Christ. I want to be remembered for the good I have done and the light that shines around me. My first born son is living in the holiest of places and is one of the few people who can actually say he is without sin! I have sins that I will have to account for, I am not perfect, and unfortunately, I will live the rest of my life fighting the devil. I pray for forgiveness and for Jesus to continue to walk beside me and to give me the strength to choose right over wrong. I pray that my next stage in life includes pre-school age children, along with the empty nest.
Somehow, in my current stage I feel fulfilled and lost all at the same time. I also feel filled with more peace than I ever have before at any of my other stages of life!
Last night, I had the opportunity to sit in on the bible study. Although I missed the first few weeks, and due to prior obligations, I will miss next week, I still feel like last night gave me a point to ponder and share.
Last night, we discussed seasons of life. The study is called "The Life Ready Woman". In the workbook for this study, there is a page that has different seasons of life in boxes. There were stages such as "Newly married, no children", "Married with pre-school age children", "Married with grade school children", "Married with teens", "Married, Empty Nester", "Widowed", "Not Married". In each stage there was a list of wise steps to take during that stage of your life. Below the wise steps was a key bible verse to look up, geared toward those wise steps. The author, Shaunti Feldhahn, tells the listeners to place a star by the stage or even stages of life they believe they are currently in. She mentioned that you will not necessarily go through the stages in order, or even go through all of the stages.
As I sat looking at the list of stages, I felt more driven to looking at the "Married, Empty Nester" stage. Andrew and I will have been married two years this coming July, making us newly married, but, we do have a son. Our son lives with Jesus instead of with us. So, what stage of life am I in? It only seemed fitting for us to be in the "Married, Empty Nester" stage. As I read the wise steps, it felt like my life at that moment.
Our leader advised us to share the stage of our life we selected with our husband, if we were married, to see if they agreed and what their thoughts may be as to how we are doing following the wise steps.
I have listed the wise steps for "Married, Empty Nester" below with my thoughts along with Andrew's when I shared it with him.
"Build new ways of connecting with your husband and enjoying life together."
Angela: This is true, we are doing this now. For nine months we focused on our growing child. We focused on opening Andrew's practice. We focused on the health care I needed as well as the visits we needed to monitor Riley's heart. As Riley grew bigger, I added a maternity pillow to our bed. Andrew called it my husband barrier. I would go to bed early to keep my feet up and Andrew would be in the living room watching sports. Now, we are watching TV together, we go to bed about the same time, and I am sleeping in his arms without my "husband barrier". We do not have Riley at home with us to change his diapers or hold him. This leaves us with time to spend together and more energy than new parents usually have.
Andrew: We started this more so with the building of the business. We spend more time together now than when we were dating or even early in our marriage. We talk more and pray more together.
"Reinvent your life!"
Angela: Wow! We really are. We expected to be doing so much with Riley at this time. Now we are learning to live without our Riley at home with us. The baby stuff is mostly in the nursery and not scattered throughout the house. We donated the formula to the local Pregnancy Center. We started planning our year again with trips that we had cancelled because the pediatric cardiologist advised against traveling.
Andrew: We have been doing devotionals together. We started after we received a devotional as a gift on New Year's Day. We started reading a second devotional book that we received after Riley's Memorial Service.
"Invest more time in kingdom work that engages your gifts and interests."
Angela: We started doing this back when we first learned about Riley's heart. We focused on it with more enthusiasm when Riley went to Heaven. I am praying more, more out loud in front of people, although not as often as I should. I am praying that God continues to show me what his plan is for me after losing my son. I pray that he shows me what his overall plan for my life is.
Andrew: I started going to a men's bible study. We started attending a Prayer 101 class. We have Christian based practices in our business.
"Consider mentoring younger women."
Angela: I would not say that I am mentoring younger women. But, I would say that from the few who have reached out to me after reading my blogs or facebook posts have mentioned how they are healing or taking in what I have been writing, that I am somewhat mentoring other women. I am honored these women reach out to me. I am honored when they share their story. I blog and talk on facebook, not for the focus of mentoring, but for the focus of healing, for the focus on listening to God when he tells me to write about my feelings.
Andrew: I don't mentor young women, but the words that I have written on Facebook regarding our son Riley and our ability to lean on God for strength have surely touched the lives of women in my life, whether they be friends, colleagues, or people I don't even know.
I challenge you to look at your life, look at what your life consists of right now and think about the stage of life you are currently in. I have not listed all the wise steps for each stage. If you want to read the wise steps they are found in the book, "The Life Ready Woman" by Shaunti Feldhahn. But even without seeing them, think about how the stage of life you are in is glorifying his kingdom. Think about what your time and energy are focused on. Do you need to redirect some of your focus in one area to another? Are you living your life as a witness to Christ?
I want to live my life as a witness to Christ. I want to be remembered for the good I have done and the light that shines around me. My first born son is living in the holiest of places and is one of the few people who can actually say he is without sin! I have sins that I will have to account for, I am not perfect, and unfortunately, I will live the rest of my life fighting the devil. I pray for forgiveness and for Jesus to continue to walk beside me and to give me the strength to choose right over wrong. I pray that my next stage in life includes pre-school age children, along with the empty nest.
Somehow, in my current stage I feel fulfilled and lost all at the same time. I also feel filled with more peace than I ever have before at any of my other stages of life!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
What Not To Say!
When someone is grieving, we either 1) avoid them or 2) feel like we need to say something.
I know that I have said things that I thought would be comforting that were not. For my recent experience of loosing my son I paid more attention to the things that were said to me. I thought I should share the more hurtful things that are said, even though they are meant to be comforting. I have spoken to others who have had rough roads of miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths, from those conversations I have compiled my list of what not to say from their stories as well as my own experience.
I know there are people who wish they knew what to avoid saying. I also know there are people who say what they believe to be comforting words in times of grief and loss, but have no idea that it may feel like salt to the wound. And, if you said any of the following to me, please do not take offense. As you said them I smiled and nodded, but I did cry about them in Andrew's arms later. I pray that God will help give you the right words in the future. It is better to just give a hug, offer a meal, send flowers, or buy a card that already has words inside of it for the occasion.
Please do not say (and why it hurts):
"Do whatever you have to, to take your mind off of it. Don't think about it."
He is MY SON! Of course I am going to think about it! I NEVER want to forget it. Even knowing the outcome would end the same way, I would do it all over again! I want to remember EVERY detail. I want to remember what it felt like to be pregnant with him, to deliver him, to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, to examine his sweet little body looking for some likeness of myself!
I also want to talk about him! I want to talk about the silly things that happened while I was pregnant. I want to talk about our concern for him and the things we did to prepare for his arrival. I want to talk about his red hair. I want to talk about his big feet. I want to talk about how handsome he was and how he looked just like Andrew. I want to talk about how our future children, if God blesses us with more, will learn about their big brother Riley.
"It is God's will." or "All in God's time." or "God has a plan"
I am a Christian. I know it was Riley's purpose. His days were written even before he was being created in my womb. But it still isn't "fair" and our hearts still hurt. God is a big God and he can handle me being mad, but I don't want to be mad AT him! And this said to me fuels that fire. Tell me that we will ask God one day why. Tell me that we do not understand why, but one day we will. Tell me you are sorry and just hug me. I know it is part of the plan. But right now as good and evil are both whispering in my ear, this comment, unfortunately, fuels the fire for evil. Especially when the fog of the initial shock duirng the first few weeks wears off and I start questioning myself. I am learning every day that Riley is bringing us closer to God. By bringing us closer to God and publicly sharing our daily/weekly journey, others are also coming close. So, we know that was the plan. Unfortunately, those words are not helpful during times of grief and loss.
"Be glad you don't have kids."
This was actually said to a friend of mine, but wow! Really!? We are women, we were designed to bear children. If for some reason we are unable to do so, but you have children that for whatever reason want a break from, do not tell us to be glad. YOU HAVE CHILDREN and we DO NOT. If we do have children, they live with Jesus, not us. Do you know how it hurts and plays an emotional toll to see pregnant women or women with young children? And, depending on the day, even older children can tug on our hearts and remind us of our pain.
"Maybe you had too much stress." or "Maybe you should not have worked as much."
If you did not read my blog about "should have, could have, would have", please do! Saying this to me makes me start blaming myself. I was being watched closely. I ate right and drank lots of water. I AM a GOOD mom and I did not take on more than I could handle or I would have begged for bed rest.
"I had a miscarriage too."
This one has been very interesting, and does not bother me as much. It just depends on how it was said. Some who have said this to me, have said so as if they had also experienced the loss that we have. Please, do not get me wrong. A loss IS a loss. But did you physically deliver your dead son's body? Were you past 20 weeks, which is when a loss at that time is termed a stillbirth? I am sure a miscarriage is devastating. I have not experienced one at this point, so, I cannot honestly say I know how you felt or even how you still feel. But, I can honestly say that when you were only about 3 weeks away from your due date and you loose your child, telling me that you had a miscarriage does not help. We had his nursery at home and his nursery at work ready. His clothes were washed, his bottles were cleaned and put in the cabinets. The stroller was ready to bring him home. I am sorry for your loss, I really am, but please don't try to talk to me like we have experienced the same loss. I cannot imagine what your loss felt like, but my grief right now reminds me that I carried him for 9 months and expected him to be born alive any day.
However, this has also been said to me in the sense that the person saying it has hurt from a loss or losses before. They understands that they lost their child earlier along in the pregnancy. They know that they cannot imagine the grief we feel over our loss further along. I appreciate that. At the same time, I cannot imagine the grief someone has felt over a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages. I will be a shoulder for you to cry on, and ear to vent to, and arms to hug you, but I will not say to you, I had a loss too.
Andrew and I have also discussed how people have shared with us a loss of a child early on, but who was delivered breathing & crying. We cannot imagine the pain of hearing your child cry and losing them after or having them die in your arms. I will never say to someone who has or unfortunately will experience loosing a child after birth that I loss my child too. There is a difference. We all had a loss. And, for that, I will pray for your peace and healing as well as a healthy, full-term pregnancy with a healthy baby to take home someday.
"You should wait several months before trying again"
While this may make sense to some, it may not make sense to all. Everyone grieves differently. And, whenever the parents decide to try again should be between God, them, and their doctor. They will NEVER replace their lost child, but empty arms is a feeling I would not wish upon anyone. When you become expecting parents, you are expecting to do so much with a child. You expect to feed, change, hold, teach, and watch your child grow. When, after 9 long months, that is taken away from you, you find yourself lost. For me, the months of pregnancy went by fast, but now time is dragging on. I have so much energy because I am not awake throughout the night or constantly taking care of a newborn. I feel like I am forgetting to do something all day long. I find myself thinking how ready I was to care for my son when I am packing my purse for a road trip with our do. I also got the same feeling recently, when I took care of my husband while he was sick. These were things I have done before, but I now take time to focus on and enjoy. My arms feel empty. And, I feel very frustrated to have given birth, but not be able to utilize my energy taking care of my son OR be able to have relations with my husband. I feel very helpless and lonely. So please, do not think that waiting months or years is good emotionally for us. We will never be done grieving. And, if you know us, than you know that we have an unexplainable peace about our loss.
"Congratulations"
Please make sure that you know whether or not the baby is healthy. With technology the way it is today, word spreads fast, but please make sure you are reading the correct story. Also, please make sure, especially if you are with an insurance company or physicians office, that you read the chart before making this phone call!
If you are not sure how the baby is, or if the baby has been born yet, ask, "How is momma doing?" This is a safe question, because if you did not know, you honestly did not know. And, although you may feel bad if the answer is "not good" or "baby did not make it", please do not feel bad. I prefer this questions so that I may talk about my son, and the peace that God is providing us. I will remind you that you did not know and you should not feel bad.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
Yes, that is a true statement. But, now I am going to wonder what I did wrong to not be able to have a healthy child. Now I am going to be more cautious telling others of my next pregnancy. Now I am going to worry every minute of every day that I am pregnant again. Now I am going to live in fear every time that is said to me. It is a reminder that my pregnancy did not end as one would have expected or hoped. Also, if I do not get pregnant again right away, or if I miscarry I am going to remember this statement and get myself all upset again. I am going to let frustration and anger rear its ugly head. And I will probably listen to the devil whisper in my ear that it is my fault I cannot get past being pregnant.
Also, as I mentioned above, I do not know what it is like to have a miscarriage. But, if this were said to me after I miscarried, as it was to a dear friend, I think I would wonder what was wrong with my body that I could not carry the pregnancy along further. I would start to blame myself again. I would also think I would feel like people believed that child did not matter. I am a firm believer in once you are pregnant, once the sperm and the egg start forming a fetus, than there is a child! This was her child and in some cases, her children. Please acknowledge that she is a MOM and she is grieving over her LOSS! She probably did not feel all the kicks and movements. She missed out on more than loosing her child, and now, she has to start all over again. Unfortunately, "Father Time" will move ever so slowly. And, there may have to be D & C's or other procedures done making time move even slower until she can hopefully hold one of her precious children in her arms.
Yes, I can get pregnant, WHAT'S YOUR POINT!!!????
Each person's journey is different and it is never easy deciding on what to say. Before you speak, please pray for God to give you the right words.
I know that I have said things that I thought would be comforting that were not. For my recent experience of loosing my son I paid more attention to the things that were said to me. I thought I should share the more hurtful things that are said, even though they are meant to be comforting. I have spoken to others who have had rough roads of miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths, from those conversations I have compiled my list of what not to say from their stories as well as my own experience.
I know there are people who wish they knew what to avoid saying. I also know there are people who say what they believe to be comforting words in times of grief and loss, but have no idea that it may feel like salt to the wound. And, if you said any of the following to me, please do not take offense. As you said them I smiled and nodded, but I did cry about them in Andrew's arms later. I pray that God will help give you the right words in the future. It is better to just give a hug, offer a meal, send flowers, or buy a card that already has words inside of it for the occasion.
Please do not say (and why it hurts):
"Do whatever you have to, to take your mind off of it. Don't think about it."
He is MY SON! Of course I am going to think about it! I NEVER want to forget it. Even knowing the outcome would end the same way, I would do it all over again! I want to remember EVERY detail. I want to remember what it felt like to be pregnant with him, to deliver him, to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, to examine his sweet little body looking for some likeness of myself!
I also want to talk about him! I want to talk about the silly things that happened while I was pregnant. I want to talk about our concern for him and the things we did to prepare for his arrival. I want to talk about his red hair. I want to talk about his big feet. I want to talk about how handsome he was and how he looked just like Andrew. I want to talk about how our future children, if God blesses us with more, will learn about their big brother Riley.
"It is God's will." or "All in God's time." or "God has a plan"
I am a Christian. I know it was Riley's purpose. His days were written even before he was being created in my womb. But it still isn't "fair" and our hearts still hurt. God is a big God and he can handle me being mad, but I don't want to be mad AT him! And this said to me fuels that fire. Tell me that we will ask God one day why. Tell me that we do not understand why, but one day we will. Tell me you are sorry and just hug me. I know it is part of the plan. But right now as good and evil are both whispering in my ear, this comment, unfortunately, fuels the fire for evil. Especially when the fog of the initial shock duirng the first few weeks wears off and I start questioning myself. I am learning every day that Riley is bringing us closer to God. By bringing us closer to God and publicly sharing our daily/weekly journey, others are also coming close. So, we know that was the plan. Unfortunately, those words are not helpful during times of grief and loss.
"Be glad you don't have kids."
This was actually said to a friend of mine, but wow! Really!? We are women, we were designed to bear children. If for some reason we are unable to do so, but you have children that for whatever reason want a break from, do not tell us to be glad. YOU HAVE CHILDREN and we DO NOT. If we do have children, they live with Jesus, not us. Do you know how it hurts and plays an emotional toll to see pregnant women or women with young children? And, depending on the day, even older children can tug on our hearts and remind us of our pain.
"Maybe you had too much stress." or "Maybe you should not have worked as much."
If you did not read my blog about "should have, could have, would have", please do! Saying this to me makes me start blaming myself. I was being watched closely. I ate right and drank lots of water. I AM a GOOD mom and I did not take on more than I could handle or I would have begged for bed rest.
"I had a miscarriage too."
This one has been very interesting, and does not bother me as much. It just depends on how it was said. Some who have said this to me, have said so as if they had also experienced the loss that we have. Please, do not get me wrong. A loss IS a loss. But did you physically deliver your dead son's body? Were you past 20 weeks, which is when a loss at that time is termed a stillbirth? I am sure a miscarriage is devastating. I have not experienced one at this point, so, I cannot honestly say I know how you felt or even how you still feel. But, I can honestly say that when you were only about 3 weeks away from your due date and you loose your child, telling me that you had a miscarriage does not help. We had his nursery at home and his nursery at work ready. His clothes were washed, his bottles were cleaned and put in the cabinets. The stroller was ready to bring him home. I am sorry for your loss, I really am, but please don't try to talk to me like we have experienced the same loss. I cannot imagine what your loss felt like, but my grief right now reminds me that I carried him for 9 months and expected him to be born alive any day.
However, this has also been said to me in the sense that the person saying it has hurt from a loss or losses before. They understands that they lost their child earlier along in the pregnancy. They know that they cannot imagine the grief we feel over our loss further along. I appreciate that. At the same time, I cannot imagine the grief someone has felt over a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages. I will be a shoulder for you to cry on, and ear to vent to, and arms to hug you, but I will not say to you, I had a loss too.
Andrew and I have also discussed how people have shared with us a loss of a child early on, but who was delivered breathing & crying. We cannot imagine the pain of hearing your child cry and losing them after or having them die in your arms. I will never say to someone who has or unfortunately will experience loosing a child after birth that I loss my child too. There is a difference. We all had a loss. And, for that, I will pray for your peace and healing as well as a healthy, full-term pregnancy with a healthy baby to take home someday.
"You should wait several months before trying again"
While this may make sense to some, it may not make sense to all. Everyone grieves differently. And, whenever the parents decide to try again should be between God, them, and their doctor. They will NEVER replace their lost child, but empty arms is a feeling I would not wish upon anyone. When you become expecting parents, you are expecting to do so much with a child. You expect to feed, change, hold, teach, and watch your child grow. When, after 9 long months, that is taken away from you, you find yourself lost. For me, the months of pregnancy went by fast, but now time is dragging on. I have so much energy because I am not awake throughout the night or constantly taking care of a newborn. I feel like I am forgetting to do something all day long. I find myself thinking how ready I was to care for my son when I am packing my purse for a road trip with our do. I also got the same feeling recently, when I took care of my husband while he was sick. These were things I have done before, but I now take time to focus on and enjoy. My arms feel empty. And, I feel very frustrated to have given birth, but not be able to utilize my energy taking care of my son OR be able to have relations with my husband. I feel very helpless and lonely. So please, do not think that waiting months or years is good emotionally for us. We will never be done grieving. And, if you know us, than you know that we have an unexplainable peace about our loss.
"Congratulations"
Please make sure that you know whether or not the baby is healthy. With technology the way it is today, word spreads fast, but please make sure you are reading the correct story. Also, please make sure, especially if you are with an insurance company or physicians office, that you read the chart before making this phone call!
If you are not sure how the baby is, or if the baby has been born yet, ask, "How is momma doing?" This is a safe question, because if you did not know, you honestly did not know. And, although you may feel bad if the answer is "not good" or "baby did not make it", please do not feel bad. I prefer this questions so that I may talk about my son, and the peace that God is providing us. I will remind you that you did not know and you should not feel bad.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
Yes, that is a true statement. But, now I am going to wonder what I did wrong to not be able to have a healthy child. Now I am going to be more cautious telling others of my next pregnancy. Now I am going to worry every minute of every day that I am pregnant again. Now I am going to live in fear every time that is said to me. It is a reminder that my pregnancy did not end as one would have expected or hoped. Also, if I do not get pregnant again right away, or if I miscarry I am going to remember this statement and get myself all upset again. I am going to let frustration and anger rear its ugly head. And I will probably listen to the devil whisper in my ear that it is my fault I cannot get past being pregnant.
Also, as I mentioned above, I do not know what it is like to have a miscarriage. But, if this were said to me after I miscarried, as it was to a dear friend, I think I would wonder what was wrong with my body that I could not carry the pregnancy along further. I would start to blame myself again. I would also think I would feel like people believed that child did not matter. I am a firm believer in once you are pregnant, once the sperm and the egg start forming a fetus, than there is a child! This was her child and in some cases, her children. Please acknowledge that she is a MOM and she is grieving over her LOSS! She probably did not feel all the kicks and movements. She missed out on more than loosing her child, and now, she has to start all over again. Unfortunately, "Father Time" will move ever so slowly. And, there may have to be D & C's or other procedures done making time move even slower until she can hopefully hold one of her precious children in her arms.
Yes, I can get pregnant, WHAT'S YOUR POINT!!!????
Each person's journey is different and it is never easy deciding on what to say. Before you speak, please pray for God to give you the right words.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Riley's Due Date
Today, February 21, 2013 was Riley's due date. Of course, it is a small percentage that babies are even born on their due date, but for expecting parents, this date becomes engraved into their minds from the moment they learn they are expecting parents!
I dreaded today several weeks ago, and then found myself scheduling patients for today and did not even think about it being Riley's due date. However, as yesterday passed and I thought about it more, I did start to become upset. The thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had not been born yet, as well as the thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had been born, but born alive and healthy, started filling my mind. We also received a call to go in to talk to one of our doctor's today about Riley's results regarding his genetic & chromosomal analysis. We learned that he was deficient in chromosome 22q11, which is heavily correlated with a condition referred to as Di George Syndrome. We both then underwent blood draws for testing to determine the chances of one of us being a carrier. We are praying that we are more of the 90% chance of not being carriers, because if we are carriers, that would mean there is a 50% chance of recurrence of these problems with future pregnancies.
Today was a day that I have had highlighted on 2 different pregnancy applications on my phone. Today was a day that I have written about, shared, and counted down to....at least up until January 31st when we learned that Riley's life was over, and we did not need to count down to a due date anymore.
Riley was our first child. It is difficult some days to come home to an empty house or to see our friends and neighbors with their children. Do they know we are parents? Of course they do, they know our situation. But does the mail lady know that when she waves, I have a broken heart and that I am a mom to an angel? She may because of all the cards we have been receiving. But what about the woman who checks us out in the grocery store? Or the man who bags our groceries? Do they know that I am the same woman who waddled through the store only a month earlier? Do they know that we are parents? Do they know our son lives in Heaven?
Did the woman at the post office see the tears I shed for my lost son, that I was still carrying inside of me only minutes after we learned his heart no longer had a beat? Did the waiter at Steak-N-Shake know that I did not have much of an appetite because we were on our way to deliver our stillborn son? Did he know that I craved that milkshake and realized that my son would no longer be "sharing" it with me?
Could people tell that I had just given birth at the hospital when I walked out, declining a wheelchair because I already felt like people were staring at me. Did they know that I could only carry our son out in our hearts?
Riley, you are forever loved and have touched so many lives. The desire of my heart has been to bear children and God gave me that desire with you son. I cannot wait to see you in Heaven someday, and know that your precious little heart has healed forever! Right now, your daddy and I are learning how to deal with the pain in ours, but we would rather us endure the pain than to ever let you feel it! We love you son, and we are blessed to be called your mommy and daddy, even if many people we meet have no idea that we are parents!
I dreaded today several weeks ago, and then found myself scheduling patients for today and did not even think about it being Riley's due date. However, as yesterday passed and I thought about it more, I did start to become upset. The thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had not been born yet, as well as the thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had been born, but born alive and healthy, started filling my mind. We also received a call to go in to talk to one of our doctor's today about Riley's results regarding his genetic & chromosomal analysis. We learned that he was deficient in chromosome 22q11, which is heavily correlated with a condition referred to as Di George Syndrome. We both then underwent blood draws for testing to determine the chances of one of us being a carrier. We are praying that we are more of the 90% chance of not being carriers, because if we are carriers, that would mean there is a 50% chance of recurrence of these problems with future pregnancies.
Today was a day that I have had highlighted on 2 different pregnancy applications on my phone. Today was a day that I have written about, shared, and counted down to....at least up until January 31st when we learned that Riley's life was over, and we did not need to count down to a due date anymore.
Riley was our first child. It is difficult some days to come home to an empty house or to see our friends and neighbors with their children. Do they know we are parents? Of course they do, they know our situation. But does the mail lady know that when she waves, I have a broken heart and that I am a mom to an angel? She may because of all the cards we have been receiving. But what about the woman who checks us out in the grocery store? Or the man who bags our groceries? Do they know that I am the same woman who waddled through the store only a month earlier? Do they know that we are parents? Do they know our son lives in Heaven?
Did the woman at the post office see the tears I shed for my lost son, that I was still carrying inside of me only minutes after we learned his heart no longer had a beat? Did the waiter at Steak-N-Shake know that I did not have much of an appetite because we were on our way to deliver our stillborn son? Did he know that I craved that milkshake and realized that my son would no longer be "sharing" it with me?
Could people tell that I had just given birth at the hospital when I walked out, declining a wheelchair because I already felt like people were staring at me. Did they know that I could only carry our son out in our hearts?
Riley, you are forever loved and have touched so many lives. The desire of my heart has been to bear children and God gave me that desire with you son. I cannot wait to see you in Heaven someday, and know that your precious little heart has healed forever! Right now, your daddy and I are learning how to deal with the pain in ours, but we would rather us endure the pain than to ever let you feel it! We love you son, and we are blessed to be called your mommy and daddy, even if many people we meet have no idea that we are parents!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
"Inspiration"
Throughout the past weeks, even months, Andrew and I have made posts on our Facebook walls and we have talked to people in the community about our situation with Riley. We talked about whatever was going on during that time, whether it was learning about his heart or learning that his heart was no longer beating. It was at that point, 12 days after the fact, that I started blogging and learning that my blogs were being shared with people I have never met!
We have learned that we have been an "inspiration". I say that with quotations, because as flattered as we may be, it was never our intention. I say that with quotations because many of the people who have said that to us have actually been an inspiration to us! We are weak and immature in our faith more than we are strong and mature. We both grew up in Christian homes and went to church. We have always been believers. We have followed more closely at different points of our lives. We can honestly say that since our relationship began back in April 2010, we have slowly been growing with God as the center, and it was not until just before we found out that we were pregnant with Riley that we decided to join Wellspring and be re-baptized together and REALLY follow and walk with God. We still have a lot to learn! For me, I need to be better at studying and memorizing scripture as well as praying out loud (in front of others). I also need to give up completely to God what I tend to give for the moment and then take back and worry over the next moment!
We are learning that with each story someone shares with us about how we have inspired them, it helps us to be more at peace living on Earth without our son. We miss Riley every day and that will NEVER change, but when we learn that someone spoke to their dad after 20 years, or went to church again for the first time in 3 years, or has finally received peace after years of grieving over their stillborn child, well, that speaks volumes! It shows us what our Riley's life meant to so many people even though he never met them. It makes us very proud parents. For that WE are eternally grateful, for that WE are inspired!
At Riley's memorial service, we invited anyone up front to speak who wanted to give a testimonial about how Riley's life made an impact into their own. Andrew and I both know that there are people who wanted to speak then but did not want to get up in front of everyone. We have also learned that there are people who want to share with us now, but are even struggling with what to say.
If you have been "inspired" by us and by our son Riley, please do not hesitate to call us, to write us, to send an anonymous letter if you would prefer. Each story has been like a band-aid over my heart. It has been medicine for my soul, and I thank you! We also want to pray for you, for continued peace and comfort in your life that God can provide. We want to pray for your continued strength because each day can and will be a struggle.
If you are reading my blogs and do not know Andrew or myself, but want to share a story more privately than commenting on my blog, or if you do know us but want to share privately, please send your story to 2055 Wall Street in Spring Hill, TN 37174.
Thank you for reading my blogs, for opening your heart and ears to our story, and for hopefully opening your heart to Jesus! God bless you all!
We have learned that we have been an "inspiration". I say that with quotations, because as flattered as we may be, it was never our intention. I say that with quotations because many of the people who have said that to us have actually been an inspiration to us! We are weak and immature in our faith more than we are strong and mature. We both grew up in Christian homes and went to church. We have always been believers. We have followed more closely at different points of our lives. We can honestly say that since our relationship began back in April 2010, we have slowly been growing with God as the center, and it was not until just before we found out that we were pregnant with Riley that we decided to join Wellspring and be re-baptized together and REALLY follow and walk with God. We still have a lot to learn! For me, I need to be better at studying and memorizing scripture as well as praying out loud (in front of others). I also need to give up completely to God what I tend to give for the moment and then take back and worry over the next moment!
We are learning that with each story someone shares with us about how we have inspired them, it helps us to be more at peace living on Earth without our son. We miss Riley every day and that will NEVER change, but when we learn that someone spoke to their dad after 20 years, or went to church again for the first time in 3 years, or has finally received peace after years of grieving over their stillborn child, well, that speaks volumes! It shows us what our Riley's life meant to so many people even though he never met them. It makes us very proud parents. For that WE are eternally grateful, for that WE are inspired!
At Riley's memorial service, we invited anyone up front to speak who wanted to give a testimonial about how Riley's life made an impact into their own. Andrew and I both know that there are people who wanted to speak then but did not want to get up in front of everyone. We have also learned that there are people who want to share with us now, but are even struggling with what to say.
If you have been "inspired" by us and by our son Riley, please do not hesitate to call us, to write us, to send an anonymous letter if you would prefer. Each story has been like a band-aid over my heart. It has been medicine for my soul, and I thank you! We also want to pray for you, for continued peace and comfort in your life that God can provide. We want to pray for your continued strength because each day can and will be a struggle.
If you are reading my blogs and do not know Andrew or myself, but want to share a story more privately than commenting on my blog, or if you do know us but want to share privately, please send your story to 2055 Wall Street in Spring Hill, TN 37174.
Thank you for reading my blogs, for opening your heart and ears to our story, and for hopefully opening your heart to Jesus! God bless you all!
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| Riley's Urn surrounded by gifts from loved ones |
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