What Not To Say!

When someone is grieving, we either 1) avoid them or 2) feel like we need to say something.
I know that I have said things that I thought would be comforting that were not.  For my recent experience of loosing my son I paid more attention to the things that were said to me.  I thought I should share the more hurtful things that are said, even though they are meant to be comforting.  I have spoken to others who have had rough roads of miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths, from those conversations I have compiled my list of what not to say from their stories as well as my own experience.
I know there are people who wish they knew what to avoid saying.  I also know there are people who say what they believe to be comforting words in times of grief and loss, but have no idea that it may feel like salt to the wound.  And, if you said any of the following to me, please do not take offense.  As you said them I smiled and nodded, but I did cry about them in Andrew's arms later.  I pray that God will help give you the right words in the future.  It is better to just give a hug, offer a meal, send flowers, or buy a card that already has words inside of it for the occasion.

Please do not say (and why it hurts):

"Do whatever you have to, to take your mind off of it.  Don't think about it."
 He is MY SON!  Of course I am going to think about it!  I NEVER want to forget it.  Even knowing the outcome would end the same way, I would do it all over again!  I want to remember EVERY detail.  I want to remember what it felt like to be pregnant with him, to deliver him, to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, to examine his sweet little body looking for some likeness of myself!
I also want to talk about him!  I want to talk about the silly things that happened while I was pregnant.  I want to talk about our concern for him and the things we did to prepare for his arrival.  I want to talk about his red hair.  I want to talk about his big feet.  I want to talk about how handsome he was and how he looked just like Andrew.  I want to talk about how our future children, if God blesses us with more, will learn about their big brother Riley.
"It is God's will." or  "All in God's time." or "God has a plan"
I am a Christian.  I know it was Riley's purpose.  His days were written even before he was being created in my womb.  But it still isn't "fair" and our hearts still hurt.  God is a big God and he can handle me being mad, but I don't want to be mad AT him!  And this said to me fuels that fire.  Tell me that we will ask God one day why.  Tell me that we do not understand why, but one day we will.  Tell me you are sorry and just hug me.  I know it is part of the plan. But right now as good and evil are both whispering in my ear, this comment, unfortunately, fuels the fire for evil.  Especially when the fog of the initial shock duirng the first few weeks wears off and I start questioning myself.  I am learning every day that Riley is bringing us closer to God.  By bringing us closer to God and publicly sharing our daily/weekly journey, others are also coming close.  So, we know that was the plan.  Unfortunately, those words are not helpful during times of grief and loss.
"Be glad you don't have kids."
This was actually said to a friend of mine, but wow!  Really!? We are women, we were designed to bear children.  If for some reason we are unable to do so, but you have children that for whatever reason want a break from, do not tell us to be glad.  YOU HAVE CHILDREN and we DO NOT.  If we do have children, they live with Jesus, not us.  Do you know how it hurts and plays an emotional toll to see pregnant women or women with young children?  And, depending on the day, even older children can tug on our hearts and remind us of our pain.
"Maybe you had too much stress." or "Maybe you should not have worked as much."
If you did not read my blog about "should have, could have, would have", please do!  Saying this to me makes me start blaming myself.  I was being watched closely.  I ate right and drank lots of water.  I AM a GOOD mom and I did not take on more than I could handle or I would have begged for bed rest.
"I had a miscarriage too."
This one has been very interesting, and does not bother me as much.  It just depends on how it was said.  Some who have said this to me, have said so as if they had also experienced the loss that we have.  Please, do not get me wrong.  A loss IS a loss.  But did you physically deliver your dead son's body?  Were you past 20 weeks, which is when a loss at that time is termed a stillbirth?  I am sure a miscarriage is devastating.  I have not experienced one at this point, so, I cannot honestly say I know how you felt or even how you still feel.  But, I can honestly say that when you were only about 3 weeks away from your due date and you loose your child, telling me that you had a miscarriage does not help.  We had his nursery at home and his nursery at work ready.  His clothes were washed, his bottles were cleaned and put in the cabinets.  The stroller was ready to bring him home.  I am sorry for your loss, I really am, but please don't try to talk to me like we have experienced the same loss.  I cannot imagine what your loss felt like, but my grief right now reminds me that I carried him for 9 months and expected him to be born alive any day.
However, this has also been said to me in the sense that the person saying it has hurt from a loss or losses before.  They understands that they lost their child earlier along in the pregnancy.  They know that they cannot imagine the grief we feel over our loss further along.  I appreciate that.  At the same time, I cannot imagine the grief someone has felt over a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages.  I will be a shoulder for you to cry on, and ear to vent to, and arms to hug you, but I will not say to you, I had a loss too.
Andrew and I have also discussed how people have shared with us a loss of a child early on, but who was delivered breathing & crying.  We cannot imagine the pain of hearing your child cry and losing them after or having them die in your arms.  I will never say to someone who has or unfortunately will experience loosing a child after birth that I loss my child too.  There is a difference.  We all had a loss.  And, for that, I will pray for your peace and healing as well as a healthy, full-term pregnancy with a healthy baby to take home someday.
"You should wait several months before trying again"
While this may make sense to some, it may not make sense to all.  Everyone grieves differently.  And, whenever the parents decide to try again should be between God, them, and their doctor.  They will NEVER replace their lost child, but empty arms is a feeling I would not wish upon anyone.  When you become expecting parents, you are expecting to do so much with a child.  You expect to feed, change, hold, teach, and watch your child grow.  When, after 9 long months, that is taken away from you, you find yourself lost.  For me, the months of pregnancy went by fast, but now time is dragging on.  I have so much energy because I am not awake throughout the night or constantly taking care of a newborn.  I feel like I am forgetting to do something all day long.  I find myself thinking how ready I was to care for my son when I am packing my purse for a road trip with our do.  I also got the same feeling recently, when I took care of my husband while he was sick. These were things I have done before, but I now take time to focus on and enjoy.  My arms feel empty.  And, I feel very frustrated to have given birth, but not be able to utilize my energy taking care of my son OR be able to have relations with my husband.  I feel very helpless and lonely.  So please, do not think that waiting months or years is good emotionally for us.  We will never be done grieving.  And, if you know us, than you know that we have an unexplainable peace about our loss.
"Congratulations"
Please make sure that you know whether or not the baby is healthy.  With technology the way it is today, word spreads fast, but please make sure you are reading the correct story.  Also, please make sure, especially if you are with an insurance company or physicians office, that you read the chart before making this phone call!
If you are not sure how the baby is, or if the baby has been born yet, ask, "How is momma doing?"  This is a safe question, because if you did not know, you honestly did not know.  And, although you may feel bad if the answer is "not good" or "baby did not make it", please do not feel bad.  I prefer this questions so that I may talk about my son, and the peace that God is providing us.  I will remind you that you did not know and you should not feel bad.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
Yes, that is a true statement.  But, now I am going to wonder what I did wrong to not be able to have a healthy child.  Now I am going to be more cautious telling others of my next pregnancy.  Now I am going to worry every minute of every day that I am pregnant again.  Now I am going to live in fear every time that is said to me.  It is a reminder that my pregnancy did not end as one would have expected or hoped.  Also, if I do not get pregnant again right away, or if I miscarry I am going to remember this statement and get myself all upset again.  I am going to let frustration and anger rear its ugly head.  And I will probably listen to the devil whisper in my ear that it is my fault I cannot get past being pregnant.
Also, as I mentioned above, I do not know what it is like to have a miscarriage.  But, if this were said to me after I miscarried, as it was to a dear friend, I think I would wonder what was wrong with my body that I could not carry the pregnancy along further.  I would start to blame myself again.  I would also think I would feel like people believed that child did not matter.  I am a firm believer in once you are pregnant, once the sperm and the egg start forming a fetus, than there is a child!  This was her child and in some cases, her children.  Please acknowledge that she is a MOM and she is grieving over her LOSS!  She probably did not feel all the kicks and movements.  She missed out on more than loosing her child, and now, she has to start all over again.  Unfortunately, "Father Time" will move ever so slowly.  And, there may have to be D & C's or other procedures done making time move even slower until she can hopefully hold one of her precious children in her arms.  
Yes, I can get pregnant, WHAT'S YOUR POINT!!!????     


Each person's journey is different and it is never easy deciding on what to say.  Before you speak, please pray for God to give you the right words.