Riley's Due Date

Today, February 21, 2013 was Riley's due date.  Of course, it is a small percentage that babies are even born on their due date, but for expecting parents, this date becomes engraved into their minds from the moment they learn they are expecting parents!

I dreaded today several weeks ago, and then found myself scheduling patients for today and did not even think about it being Riley's due date.  However, as yesterday passed and I thought about it more, I did start to become upset.  The thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had not been born yet, as well as the thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had been born, but born alive and healthy, started filling my mind.  We also received a call to go in to talk to one of our doctor's today about Riley's results regarding his genetic & chromosomal analysis.  We learned that he was deficient in chromosome 22q11, which is heavily correlated with a condition referred to as Di George Syndrome.  We both then underwent blood draws for testing to determine the chances of one of us being a carrier.  We are praying that we are more of the 90% chance of not being carriers, because if we are carriers, that would mean there is a 50% chance of recurrence of these problems with future pregnancies.

Today was a day that I have had highlighted on 2 different pregnancy applications on my phone.  Today was a day that I have written about, shared, and counted down to....at least up until January 31st when we learned that Riley's life was over, and we did not need to count down to a due date anymore.

Riley was our first child.  It is difficult some days to come home to an empty house or to see our friends and neighbors with their children.  Do they know we are parents?  Of course they do, they know our situation.  But does the mail lady know that when she waves, I have a broken heart and that I am a mom to an angel?  She may because of all the cards we have been receiving.  But what about the woman who checks us out in the grocery store?  Or the man who bags our groceries?  Do they know that I am the same woman who waddled through the store only a month earlier?  Do they know that we are parents?  Do they know our son lives in Heaven?
Did the woman at the post office see the tears I shed for my lost son, that I was still carrying inside of me only minutes after we learned his heart no longer had a beat?  Did the waiter at Steak-N-Shake know that I did not have much of an appetite because we were on our way to deliver our stillborn son?  Did he know that I craved that milkshake and realized that my son would no longer be "sharing" it with me?
Could people tell that I had just given birth at the hospital when I walked out, declining a wheelchair because I already felt like people were staring at me.  Did they know that I could only carry our son out in our hearts?
Riley, you are forever loved and have touched so many lives.  The desire of my heart has been to bear children and God gave me that desire with you son.  I cannot wait to see you in Heaven someday, and know that your precious little heart has healed forever!  Right now, your daddy and I are learning how to deal with the pain in ours, but we would rather us endure the pain than to ever let you feel it!  We love you son, and we are blessed to be called your mommy and daddy, even if many people we meet have no idea that we are parents!