Grief

Grief had a funny way of sneaking up on me.  I have been at such peace and so thankful to God for allowing the peace I needed since I learned that my son was no longer alive.  This was until about 2 weeks ago.  I developed such anger and the tears started flowing.  In all honesty, the tears have only grown stronger.  It is true what they say about the love a mother has for her child.  When I didn't think I could love anyone else, Riley filled my heart.  Today I mourn not only for short time I had with my son, but for the few memories that I am left with.  Today, and the past 2 weeks, I am in a new part of my mourning.
I am learning that the word 'child' use to have such a fun, heavenly, light feeling.  Joy could be heard in the word.  However, now it comes with such a heavy tone.  And, the more people I talk to, the more I am finding out that what should be such a blessing, has become somewhat of a burden or a lost hope.  When my time comes, when I get to go to Heaven and see my precious baby boy again, I am going to ask why.  Why did many who would make great parents never experience it?  Why did people who should not have had to endure the pain of loosing a child experience it?
Many people asked what they could do for us after our loss.  I often said to pray, and to continue to pray when our parents went back home, when life would go back to normal for the world as we would learn to live without our son.  Pray because the enemy would not leave us, he would prey upon our weakest moments.  I am fighting the enemy now.  I believe our God is big enough to hear me tell him I am angry.  I also know he has not left me for he is the one who has given me the last 3 omens of friends being pregnant before they could tell me.  But I also know that Satan is using that news to steal my hope.  I am in a battle with trying to hold onto the little hope that I have left, believing that I deserve to be a mother, and letting it all go to God whom I am so angry with.
It is rather a sight when I picture myself telling God, Abba, how upset I am.  I use the term Abba because he is our Father, and I like a little girl trying to get her way, we use loving terms for our fathers before trying to persuade them.  And when we are not getting our way, we tend to say "Father".  I picture him smiling back at me, maybe even with a chuckle, like I just threw a temper tantrum over not getting ice cream before bed.  Because as painful as it is, as much as it hurts, loosing Riley after being blessed to carry him for 37 weeks is something beyond my understanding, but part of God's plan for me.  He is my Heavenly father and he has a plan for me.  I will get past this point, I am not sure when, but I also know he his holding me up as many friends have felt called to pray for me lately without knowing that I am having a difficult time getting out of bed.
At this point in my grieving, only a little more than 2 months since our loss, I feel very alone and very empty.  I know that I am not alone, I know that I may have to fight harder than I ever have before to get up again this time, but my son and his memory are what keep me going.  Your continued thoughts and prayers give me the strength that I lack.  Today, not even the beautiful sunshine could put a smile on my face.  Today, I ached for when I could lay back in bed and cry.  Today, Selah's song, "I Will Carry You" is being played on repeat as I weep for Riley and the few memories I am left with and the expectations I am learning to let go of.
Dear Abba, please give me the strength I need to get up tomorrow.  The strength I need to honor my husband and to help him succeed in his dreams.  But tonight, just wrap your loving arms around me as I miss my son and let me weep until my tear ducts run dry.  Thank you for preparing me for the pregnancy news of my friends, and please continue to prepare me for future news.  But, please, if I am to be blessed to bear another child, will you prepare me for that hope before it is all gone?  I will honor you and I will serve you the rest of the days of my life, and I am grateful that you are a forgiving God and an understanding God.  Please continue to smile at me when I am angry and remind me that you have this.  That all of this is your plan and you have known my purpose before you created me in my mother's womb.

Lyrics to Selah's "I Will Carry You" below:

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?