Anger

I am hesitant to post my current feelings.  I have been hesitant to post some of my more difficult moments during my time of mourning and healing.  However, I realized today, that I am human, and those difficult times are natural.  I realized that when I continue to put my personal life online for others to see, it may help someone else gather the strength they need to get through their day.  It also may help others to imagine what women in situations similar to mine are going through.
Today I am angry.  I wish there was a stronger word, or a word that could describe that I am angry BECAUSE I am angry.  I am angry squared!  Sometimes my anger comes out of nowhere.  Sometimes my anger comes from little things.  Sometimes my anger comes from others happiness.
I will share some of the things that have been recent causes of my anger.

1. My fingers swelled up, causing my wedding ring to cut into my skin.  The same ring I had been able to get back onto my finger only weeks before after months of not being able to wear it.  I love my ring! I want to wear my ring!  Not being able to wear it reminds me that I was pregnant, and my pregnancy not only left me with a beautiful baby boy born into heaven, but it left me with 30 pounds of unwanted weight.  I do not have late nights with a newborn so I should be going to the gym, but I would rather lay in bed and cry.  The other day, we stopped by a jewelry store to see if they could get the ring off my finger without cutting it.  When they were not successful, we walked away, and I started to loose it.  I was reminded me to keep it together, but now, I wish I had not.  It is alright for me to cry.  It is alright for me to loose it in the middle of the store.  I have EVERY right to let my tears flow.  These are tears of hope, sadness, frustration, heartbreak from 37 weeks of carrying Riley PLUS years of wanting a child.

2. Facebook pictures of friends newborns and pregnancy announcements can make me angry.  I have thought about boycotting facebook for awhile.  And, I still may do so.  I used to love seeing the pictures.  Now, I love seeing the picture and I am honestly happy for the people in the photo, but I am jealous that it is not me.  I feel like I failed somehow.  I passed the pregnancy test, but never made it through the school of mom.  Now I am scared to ever take the test again.  Should I be blessed with passing the test, how long will I attend the pre-requisites?  I know that I will question every second of every day of every week of every month for ALL my future pregnancies.  I will not be as excited during any possible future pregnancies.  I will not share the news.  That is not fair to the other child, but I know that is the reality of my new normal life.  That makes me angry, angry that I do not have hope and angry that I will not be an excited pregnant woman.

3. Having my period makes me angry.  For many who do not know my, and for some that do, you may not be aware that I was researching artificial insemination before I met Andrew.  I wanted to be a mother so desperately.  My periods have never been very regular, and I feared that as I aged I would not have many eggs left.  I have always said that I wanted to have 4 children.  I wanted to be pregnant 4 times.  I felt my biological clock pounding more than ticking!  I had given up on dating, and decided it was time to focus on starting a family on my own.  Fortunately, my mom did not give up praying for the perfect spouse for me, and Andrew came along.  However, after each period, comes a time for ovulation, and a time of egg loss.  We are only born with so many eggs, and I fear that my time is running out.  Having MTHFR does not help my feelings.  This makes me want to tear down the 2 nurseries and quit having the dream of biological children.  It is not fair to my husband in our marriage to turn each day of the month into figuring out what day it is in my cycle and then wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test only to have to start all over again the next month.  Now, I realize it has only been 2 months since we lost Riley, but, if you know me well you know that I worry and this is my fear of what our lives will become if I continue the dream of having biological children.

So, please forgive me if I hide out for awhile, or you see me "loose it" in the grocery store.  Having a child born into Heaven, especially my first born will be something that is a part of my life everyday.  I do not feel like I should have to mask what I am feeling.  Granted, there are situations that are more appropriate to mask my current feelings than others, but I ask for your patience and forgiveness.  I also ask for your continued prayers.  When I shared my anger with my sister tonight, this is what she had to say:
"God isn't trying to hurt you.  He wants to bless you, but in His time.  Prove your faithfulness to Him.  Focus on Him and His promises to you, and try to stop focusing on how you feel about everything.  I know it won't be easy, but keep in mind...we ARE allowed to ask Him for help to stop feeling the way we do, and it's still our job to try, not just expect Him to miraculously fix it.  But you might have months  Have faith Angie.  Even when it seems foolish and energy-wasting.  Because in all honestly, WHEN YOU DOUBT, YOU LET SATAN WIN...Satan attacks those he is most threatened by.  Have faith in God and you'll watch Satan cry out in misery.  misery loves company and Satan's trying to ask you out to dinner because he thinks this coffee date is going well."
She is wise beyond her years!  And I am posting this as my "text" during the coffee date, asking for someone to call me with an emergency and help get me out of it!  I am also posting this so if you are also suffering you know you are not alone, and it is alright to ask for help.
May God Bless You All.  May God bless those who desire to have children, who currently do not.  May God bless those parents and heal the children who are suffering with different ailments.  May God bless those who are angry with him as I am right now.  I know he is big enough to handle it, but it only angers me more that I am angry right now....if that makes any sense to any of you!