Today I sat and stared at the picture of one of my valentine's, my handsome son Riley. I sat and wondered, if he had been born on February 1st alive would I have bought him a card? Would I have put a onsie on his perfect little body with hearts or the word "Valentine" featured on the front? If he had been born but had to be in NICU, would I be decorating his room with hearts? But because my sweet angel is in Heaven and all I am left to look at is his picture, should I be decorating the frame? Should I still buy him a card? What will I do for future Valentine's Days, when we have other children whom we will dress up and give cards to?
That is when I decided, and realized, my life is full of Valentines. I am so blessed with so many dear friends and an amazing family, as well as strangers who care for me that I have not even met yet. Therefore, I will spend my Valentine's, this year and all the years to come remembering how blessed I am! This year, I want to recognize the 3 Valentine's in my life who are the closest to my heart.
My first Valentine I will recognize is our dog Gunnar. Gunnar is our first "child" and a border collie mix. We adopted Gunnar in December 2011. He was about 10 weeks old. He was under 10 pounds, super soft, and very playful. We learned right away that he has separation anxiety when we are not around. He can be with other people, but he has to know that we are near. We filled our phones with pictures of him. We talked about all the cute things he would do like carrying in flower pots from outside through the doggie door. He quickly grew and before we knew it he became close to 75 pounds. He is probably closer to 80 pounds by now. He loves his bones, and he still has to know that we are near. We are amazed that he still fits through his doggie door. Andrew has really worked with him and taught him so many tricks. We love to take him out and show him off! Gunnar sensed things had changed when I became pregnant. He would not get really close to me at first, but he would stay near me and give a protective bark at anything that concerned him. As my belly grew, Gunnar would get closer to me. He would often lay his head on my belly, as you can see in a picture below. When we came home from the hospital, empty handed, it was if he could sense that we really needed him. He hung closer to Andrew and I, even when we had company at the house. And, the past week he has sat on my lap! This is quite a site as he is not a small dog, and he has not tried to sit on my lap since I had first become pregnant! I think he senses that I am dealing with empty arm syndrome and missing a child in my arms and on my lap! He is our blessing and comfort at home and I am so glad we have him! He is my furry Valentine!
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| Riley is pushing out to the left side!
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My second Valentine is our son Riley. Riley was a surprise from God. Let me start by telling you that Andrew and I had a lot going on and we had decided we would wait a year before trying to get pregnant. God had other plans! I remember talking with a good friend of mine about babies, I told her I was late, but that it was not uncommon. Secretly, I wondered. A few days later, I was playing phone tag with a nurse from my OB's office to okay dermatology medication to help my adult acne. We were not planning or trying for children, but I did not want to start any medication for my acne that I would have to stop in a year to try to get pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and read the results just before my phone rang. It was my nurse. I said, "By the way, if I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, what should I do?" I remember she said "Celebrate!" and then went on to tell me to either come in for a blood test or to wait a couple days and then take another test, but the pregnancy tests you can buy are usually accurate. I also remember saying, "Gunnar! We're pregnant" and then going out to buy another test to take right then. Wait a couple days! Was she crazy!? When that test showed positive I immediately began texting Andrew, insisting he meet me for lunch. He did not really have much time for lunch, but I had already started driving to meet him. He suggested sushi. I started to tell him that I should not eat sushi, but caught myself knowing that I could find SOMETHING else off the menu and told him that was fine. I met him in the parking lot with probably the biggest, goofiest grin on my face. I said, "I have news." He took one look at me smiled back and said, "You're pregnant?!" I just nodded. We had a very brief lunch and an agonizing rest of the afternoon! We wanted to share our news! We wanted to talk to each other about it, but he was working. We had a miracle from God starting to form inside of me! We were parents! From that day on our conversations about Gunnar and all his cuteness started to include our baby. We talked about names, that was easy! Riley boy or girl. We met because he worked at Riley Hospital for Children and were set up on a blind date by one of the attending dentists who was also a dentist I worked for in private practice. We talked about the nursery. We talked about what kind of parents we would be.
And all throughout our talking, our precious baby boy was growing. I started showing around 8 weeks. I felt his first kick at 10 weeks, when I was behind the wheel driving us home from a visit to Indiana. What a beautiful feeling! The flutter around your stomach when you feel the first kicks! He did not move a lot more until about 19 weeks. At 20 weeks, when he was busy showing off that he was a boy, Andrew had the biggest smile on his face. We talked as we left that appointment and found out that both of us had secretly prayed for Riley to be a boy the morning of our ultrasound appointment! As I mentioned in my previous blog, we learned a lot more about Riley and his umbilical cord and heart as the weeks went on, but throughout that all, he was growing and touching our lives and hearts in ways that we are still learning about.
He was a mover! He would flip and move and rotate mostly at OB appointments and at night when we laid down to sleep. He put his thumb in his mouth a couple times (we could see the side profile), just to taunt us we are sure! When Gunnar would put his head on my belly, he would give a kick. One night, when Andrew was talking to him, he punched his head through my belly! I wish I could have captured one of the movements on video on my phone. Anytime I would think about it, and grab my phone he would quit moving. He was stubborn, just like his father and myself! He gave me a weak appetite the first few weeks. He caused me to become sick if I used mint toothpaste. He craved Doritos and fruit. He disliked salad (mostly lettuce) and chicken. I could eat chicken if it was in a casserole or shredded. I could not cut chicken and eat it without gagging. I could not stand the smell of ground beef cooking. He craved a frozen coke from Burger King, but their machine was not working. He craved pink-iced animal crackers, but by the time I found a store that still carried them, the craving was gone! He loved milk! I could not drink enough milk! He had such a personality without ever leaving my womb! I had a little bit of heartburn, which made me wonder if he had a full head of hair. He loved music, especially when his daddy sang. We would be in the car and sing to the radio or at church, and he would kick. He ALWAYS kicked to "10 Thousand Reasons" and "It Is Well With My Soul". We thought he would be a dancer like his daddy. I bet, even though my little Valentine is in Heaven, he is dancing and singing to entertain the other angels just like his daddy does down here! He grew so big I had to start wearing Andrew's scrubs. None of my large or extra large maternity clothes were fitting! And shoes, well I had one pair of tennis shoes that fit!
Riley, you will always be my baby, and you will always be my Valentine, even if you are not physically here to kiss all over you and dress you up with the most masculine hearts I could find.
Some very dear old friends mailed me a charming silver necklace with a heart that says "Riley," which I received yesterday. I immediately put it on and today it reminds me that my Valentine Riley has my heart and he lives in mine!
Finally, my third Valentine is my handsome, incredible, and talented husband. Andrew and I will have been married 2 years this coming July. When I first met Andrew, I knew there was something about him, but I could not put my finger on it. I was trying so hard to be finished with dating, and he had this pull toward him, making me want to talk to him and see him again. I found him attractive and fascinating but at the same time, peculiar. I mean, come on, what guy opens doors and pulls out chairs for women! My amazing husband, that's who! I remember Diana, the women who set us up, telling me that if I could not make up my mind about Andrew, then she was going to introduce him to someone else. I called my dad, crying, and my dad, who had not met Andrew at that point, told me that if I did not really try dating him that I would make the biggest mistake of my life. From that point on, I put my whole heart into dating Andrew. It was not long after that I realized how hard I had fallen for him. I told him that if he did not propose by New Years, then I was going to propose to him. He surprised me with the most beautiful proposal on December 23rd, 2010. I will save that story for another blog...maybe our anniversary. We married on July 2, 2011 in Greenwood, IN. We moved a couple days after our honeymoon and started working. Our first year was stressful, we had lots of ups and lots of downs. By the end of our first year, we had already started having a stronger bond. We knew we both loved each other, we knew marriage would not be easy, and we knew we needed to really focus and do better about making God the center of our marriage. And that is what we did. I thank God every day for Andrew. He is my soulmate, and he is my earthly rock. I love him with all of my heart, and although we are currently going through one of life's more difficult trials, I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have by my side. He helps remind me of God's strength during my weakest moments. I am so proud of him and the man he has become! We faced a lot of trials early on in our marriage that we realized now helped bring us closer together and closer to God so that when we lost our son, we could hold each other up and remember that we are on a team TOGETHER. After all, we now know that we can make handsome children!
Andrew, I love you more each day! Congratulations on opening Williamson Pediatric Dentistry! It is a blessing to see you do what you love to do every day! I look forward to many more Valentine's with you by my side!
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