Today is the 12th day since we learned that our son no longer had a heartbeat and the 11th day since I experienced the miracle of childbirth. Today has been one of the more difficult days for me. Today I struggle with sadness, anger, and fear. Today I was blessed with seeing a beautiful 6 month old baby boy, with red hair, who recentlly had open heart surgery. The tears immediately began to flow. "That should be us in 6 months" was my initial thought.
Many who read my blog know our story, many know only a part, and many have been in our shoes. Let me tell you why I am writing "Remembering Riley" by first starting with where our doctor visits became more frequent.
At our 20 week ultrasound, our Riley began showing us the stubborness he received from both my husband and I. He would not show his face. That led to our OB asking for a limited ultrasound at our 24 week checkup just for a quick look at his face. My husband is a Pediatric Dentist. He was able to see tooth buds, but wanted to look for cleft lip and palate. Between his curiosity and the OB's desire to make sure everything was well, we agreed.
During our 24 week limited ultrasound we experienced a variety of emotions. We did not have maternity insurance so we were cash paying patients. Upon hearing this, our ultrasound tech was a little rougher with her words and her assumptions toward us....at least that is how we felt. She questioned my nutrition and told me I was not drinking enough water. We assured her that I was, and on that particular day I could only have my glucose test drink. We also explained that at my 20 week ultrasound I was told it was not necessary for me to have my bladder so full for the next ultrasound. By the end of the appointment the tech explained that she had "bought" us a trip to Nashville for an expensive ultrasound because she could only detect a 2-vessel umbilical cord and normally there are 3. We were not too worried because there was not a rush for us to see a Maternal Fetal Medical Specialist. And, Riley still didn't show us his face!
We scheduled an appointment in Nashville for more of a "high risk" ultrasound around 27 weeks. We learned there that there may be a 3-vessel cord, but with our stubborn Riley, it was hard to tell. We also learned that he had a VSD (hole in his heart), that could be normal, but they wanted to see us again in a couple weeks to be sure.
When we returned we were informed that they were having a difficult time locating the right cardiac output of Riley's heart and we would need to see a Pediatric Cardiologist. After that news, our prayers increased, but we never gave up hope.
It was at our first appoinment with the cardiologist when we learned that Riley did have a large, malaligned VSD that could be repaired with surgery probably 3-6 months after birth. Because Riley was still growing, the cardiologist wanted to see us at 36 weeks.
From that point on I was seen once a week by our OB and once a week by the Maternal Fetal Specialists for ultrasounds. Riley never showed his face during any of them! Riley was growing well, despite his 2-vessel umbilical cord.
At our 36 week appointment with our cardiologist, we learned that Riley's heart was not quite growing the way we had hoped, but it could be repaired with surgery. His pulmonary artery was not growing as well as his aorta. Our plan was to deliver at Vanderbilt with normal delivery, and Riley would be monitored closely after birth, including taking him to NICU for ultrasounds to make sure he could survive well on his own. We were prepared for surgery right away or months after birth. I was nervous because I wanted to hold my son and be with my son as much as possible after delivery. We prayed daily and enlisted friends and family to help pray with us.
God has a way of helping us prepare for things in our life without knowing it. Andrew and I discussed what we would do about life insurance for Riley. We talked about if we would have him cremated or buried, of course our thought was if something happened AFTER surgery. We thought we would hear him cry and watch his arms and feet move in our arms. We NEVER thought about the possibility of him not making it that far.
It was at our 37 week check-up where we learned his little heart had quit beating. It was at our 37 week check-up where our "expecting" a baby whose diapers we would change, whose cries would keep us up at night, whose little heart we prayed would be fixed with surgery when our "expecting" turned into planning to deliver our baby who was already with Jesus, planning his memorial service, and planning to learn to live in a home we had prepared for our beautiful angel.
I can honestly say that giving birth to my son is an experience I will never forget and one I know that Jesus held my hand through. I never felt any pain, at least physical. It happened so fast and yet it felt like it lasted forever in the sense that I never wanted it to end. I asked for my son to be skin to skin with me right away. Even though his spirit was not there, I needed to see and feel his body. I yearned to finally see the face of the boy that had been dancing, flipping, and hiccuping inside of me for 9 months.
Today is just one of many I am sure I will be filled with the same emotions. I am learning to take each day moment by moment. And even when I want to keep my mourning private, I feel a desire to share my thoughts and feelings along the way. It is only by the grace of God that I have peace most of the time and because he has a purpose for me greater than this. God is so big! We forget how big he is but, because of our son, our precious Riley, we are learning more about God, more about our purpose, and more about clinging to each other in our marriage during our tragic time.
I am so grateful that God chose Andrew to be my husband. Grateful that God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy, even if he cannot live with us. And grateful for what he is showing and telling us during this time in our lives.
Sometimes I do my best healing with music. As I finish this, my first blog entry, the song playing on KLove is "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory and I thank God for helping give me the peace and comfort I crave at this moment. The lyrics are posted below:
This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through
(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up
These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing
Many who read my blog know our story, many know only a part, and many have been in our shoes. Let me tell you why I am writing "Remembering Riley" by first starting with where our doctor visits became more frequent.
At our 20 week ultrasound, our Riley began showing us the stubborness he received from both my husband and I. He would not show his face. That led to our OB asking for a limited ultrasound at our 24 week checkup just for a quick look at his face. My husband is a Pediatric Dentist. He was able to see tooth buds, but wanted to look for cleft lip and palate. Between his curiosity and the OB's desire to make sure everything was well, we agreed.
During our 24 week limited ultrasound we experienced a variety of emotions. We did not have maternity insurance so we were cash paying patients. Upon hearing this, our ultrasound tech was a little rougher with her words and her assumptions toward us....at least that is how we felt. She questioned my nutrition and told me I was not drinking enough water. We assured her that I was, and on that particular day I could only have my glucose test drink. We also explained that at my 20 week ultrasound I was told it was not necessary for me to have my bladder so full for the next ultrasound. By the end of the appointment the tech explained that she had "bought" us a trip to Nashville for an expensive ultrasound because she could only detect a 2-vessel umbilical cord and normally there are 3. We were not too worried because there was not a rush for us to see a Maternal Fetal Medical Specialist. And, Riley still didn't show us his face!
We scheduled an appointment in Nashville for more of a "high risk" ultrasound around 27 weeks. We learned there that there may be a 3-vessel cord, but with our stubborn Riley, it was hard to tell. We also learned that he had a VSD (hole in his heart), that could be normal, but they wanted to see us again in a couple weeks to be sure.
When we returned we were informed that they were having a difficult time locating the right cardiac output of Riley's heart and we would need to see a Pediatric Cardiologist. After that news, our prayers increased, but we never gave up hope.
It was at our first appoinment with the cardiologist when we learned that Riley did have a large, malaligned VSD that could be repaired with surgery probably 3-6 months after birth. Because Riley was still growing, the cardiologist wanted to see us at 36 weeks.
From that point on I was seen once a week by our OB and once a week by the Maternal Fetal Specialists for ultrasounds. Riley never showed his face during any of them! Riley was growing well, despite his 2-vessel umbilical cord.
At our 36 week appointment with our cardiologist, we learned that Riley's heart was not quite growing the way we had hoped, but it could be repaired with surgery. His pulmonary artery was not growing as well as his aorta. Our plan was to deliver at Vanderbilt with normal delivery, and Riley would be monitored closely after birth, including taking him to NICU for ultrasounds to make sure he could survive well on his own. We were prepared for surgery right away or months after birth. I was nervous because I wanted to hold my son and be with my son as much as possible after delivery. We prayed daily and enlisted friends and family to help pray with us.
God has a way of helping us prepare for things in our life without knowing it. Andrew and I discussed what we would do about life insurance for Riley. We talked about if we would have him cremated or buried, of course our thought was if something happened AFTER surgery. We thought we would hear him cry and watch his arms and feet move in our arms. We NEVER thought about the possibility of him not making it that far.
It was at our 37 week check-up where we learned his little heart had quit beating. It was at our 37 week check-up where our "expecting" a baby whose diapers we would change, whose cries would keep us up at night, whose little heart we prayed would be fixed with surgery when our "expecting" turned into planning to deliver our baby who was already with Jesus, planning his memorial service, and planning to learn to live in a home we had prepared for our beautiful angel.
I can honestly say that giving birth to my son is an experience I will never forget and one I know that Jesus held my hand through. I never felt any pain, at least physical. It happened so fast and yet it felt like it lasted forever in the sense that I never wanted it to end. I asked for my son to be skin to skin with me right away. Even though his spirit was not there, I needed to see and feel his body. I yearned to finally see the face of the boy that had been dancing, flipping, and hiccuping inside of me for 9 months.
Today is just one of many I am sure I will be filled with the same emotions. I am learning to take each day moment by moment. And even when I want to keep my mourning private, I feel a desire to share my thoughts and feelings along the way. It is only by the grace of God that I have peace most of the time and because he has a purpose for me greater than this. God is so big! We forget how big he is but, because of our son, our precious Riley, we are learning more about God, more about our purpose, and more about clinging to each other in our marriage during our tragic time.
I am so grateful that God chose Andrew to be my husband. Grateful that God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy, even if he cannot live with us. And grateful for what he is showing and telling us during this time in our lives.
Sometimes I do my best healing with music. As I finish this, my first blog entry, the song playing on KLove is "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory and I thank God for helping give me the peace and comfort I crave at this moment. The lyrics are posted below:
This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through
(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up
These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing
This is so beautifully written, Angie. You're a good mom and I feel so blessed to know you!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your tragic loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete