Should Have, Could Have, Would Have's

If you have lost a loved one, especially if you are like us and had to say goodbye to your child before you had the opportunity to hear him cry or rock him in your arms, then you know what it is like to have your mind plagued with questions.  You give answers to these questions, but the reality is that it is too late, too late to re-write the past, and truth be told, you can "should have, could have, would have" all you want but the outcome would have been the same.
The devil constantly whispers in our ear.  He knows our weakest moments, our most sensitive areas and he preys on us for that reason.  We just have to learn when to say enough is enough and pray. I mean really pray harder, harder than we ever have before to God to save us from the enemy.  Pray for comfort, pray for peace. 
I am a victim of those thoughts.  I am ashamed to admit that I listen to those thoughts. That I replay the last week of January, and even earlier times in my mind.  I do not pray loud or hard enough at those times that I am listening.
BUT, I do trust in my best friend, my husband, Andrew.  I tell him when I am listening.  I tell him when I am weak and he helps remind me of the strength God can give us.  And God speaks through him so I will put my stubbornness aside and listen...even if it is just for the moment I need until another moment of ugly, self-blame arises.  I believe it is important to have an accountability partner to trust so when you fail to turn away from listening to the enemy, you will entrust in someone to help remind you that GOD IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT.  God is so BIG, we often forget how BIG He really is!  As we have been discussing a lot in worship lately, we do not pray big enough for our BIG GOD!  Because I sometimes selfishly want my son to be here on Earth with me, I will let my self-pity consume me when I see other babies or when I think about what I wish I were doing.  It is at those moments I am the weakest and the devil whispers in my ear....he is very good, but he is not going to win in the end!
I will share with you how I listened to the enemy this past week.  You see, I was gaining weight with the swelling of fluids during my pregnancy with Riley.  I was being closely watched for more signs of pre-eclampsia.  I did not have protein in my urine and my blood pressure was normal.  But I was swelling so much my rings quit fitting, and I could not see my ankles. My feet were so puffy I had a hard time finding shoes that fit.  Earlier that week I was not feeling well, I felt off....hard to explain but I  figured I was just tired.  We were almost done with work for the day.  I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was slightly above what it normally was, but not the level I was told to call the OB about.  We went home and my blood pressure was down later that evening.  It was a few days later that we would learn Riley's heart quit beating.  How could I not blame myself...I am his mother, I was carrying him.  I started replaying everything I did during my pregnancy in my mind.  I thought about all the times I did not feel "right" as well as all the times I went to sleep on my side but woke up on my back.  I was "should have, could have, would having" myself to tears.  Listening to the enemy tell me I was not a good mom.  I know it would be easier to not think about if I was still not visiting the OB weekly to monitor my blood pressure and liver enzyme levels.  I did not realize how much swelling I had until people started to comment on how my face was looking normal and when I could see my ankles again.  I also did not know how worried the doctors were until my OB mentioned how "preeclamptic" I looked the day we learned our son's life had ended.  And after we heard the news, my normal blood pressure increased as well as my pulse.  I didn't realize how concerned for my life the doctors were until I sat back and rethought about the events in those long hours of going from one OB to another as well as our time in the hospital.
My mom was preeclamptic with me and she has told me about how she didn't realize how serious the situation was until about 4 years later when she was in the hospital with my sister, not preeclamptic with her, but watched how concerned the doctors and nurses were with other preeclamptic moms.
When you miss your child so terribly that you can feel your heart ache again, it is common to replay every moment you can to remember his precious life.  That led to me trying to "bring my son back" with every "should have, could have, would have" I could.  But then I remember that I am learning how our son has helped us grow closer to God and then I pray and talk to Andrew.   I am suddenly filled with the peace I need for that moment.  That is how I am learning to live...moment to moment.
One day, when I am reunited with my son, I will ask God why.  I imagine He will show me everything I did in my life and all that I changed, for the better, after we lost our son.  He will show me how Andrew and I grew closer together and closer to Him.
I recently read a blog by a dear friend and was reminded of Romans 15:13, "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the POWER of the Holy Spirit".  We have to remember to give it all to God.  I have to remember to give it all to God and quit listening to the enemy.  After all, no matter what I did or did not do, my son would still be living with Jesus right now and as hard as it is to understand that, it is not up to my own understanding, but it is up to me to trust in God!