When someone is grieving, we either 1) avoid them or 2) feel like we need to say something.
I know that I have said things that I thought would be comforting that were not. For my recent experience of loosing my son I paid more attention to the things that were said to me. I thought I should share the more hurtful things that are said, even though they are meant to be comforting. I have spoken to others who have had rough roads of miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths, from those conversations I have compiled my list of what not to say from their stories as well as my own experience.
I know there are people who wish they knew what to avoid saying. I also know there are people who say what they believe to be comforting words in times of grief and loss, but have no idea that it may feel like salt to the wound. And, if you said any of the following to me, please do not take offense. As you said them I smiled and nodded, but I did cry about them in Andrew's arms later. I pray that God will help give you the right words in the future. It is better to just give a hug, offer a meal, send flowers, or buy a card that already has words inside of it for the occasion.
Please do not say (and why it hurts):
"Do whatever you have to, to take your mind off of it. Don't think about it."
He is MY SON! Of course I am going to think about it! I NEVER want to forget it. Even knowing the outcome would end the same way, I would do it all over again! I want to remember EVERY detail. I want to remember what it felt like to be pregnant with him, to deliver him, to hold him, to touch him, to kiss him, to examine his sweet little body looking for some likeness of myself!
I also want to talk about him! I want to talk about the silly things that happened while I was pregnant. I want to talk about our concern for him and the things we did to prepare for his arrival. I want to talk about his red hair. I want to talk about his big feet. I want to talk about how handsome he was and how he looked just like Andrew. I want to talk about how our future children, if God blesses us with more, will learn about their big brother Riley.
"It is God's will." or "All in God's time." or "God has a plan"
I am a Christian. I know it was Riley's purpose. His days were written even before he was being created in my womb. But it still isn't "fair" and our hearts still hurt. God is a big God and he can handle me being mad, but I don't want to be mad AT him! And this said to me fuels that fire. Tell me that we will ask God one day why. Tell me that we do not understand why, but one day we will. Tell me you are sorry and just hug me. I know it is part of the plan. But right now as good and evil are both whispering in my ear, this comment, unfortunately, fuels the fire for evil. Especially when the fog of the initial shock duirng the first few weeks wears off and I start questioning myself. I am learning every day that Riley is bringing us closer to God. By bringing us closer to God and publicly sharing our daily/weekly journey, others are also coming close. So, we know that was the plan. Unfortunately, those words are not helpful during times of grief and loss.
"Be glad you don't have kids."
This was actually said to a friend of mine, but wow! Really!? We are women, we were designed to bear children. If for some reason we are unable to do so, but you have children that for whatever reason want a break from, do not tell us to be glad. YOU HAVE CHILDREN and we DO NOT. If we do have children, they live with Jesus, not us. Do you know how it hurts and plays an emotional toll to see pregnant women or women with young children? And, depending on the day, even older children can tug on our hearts and remind us of our pain.
"Maybe you had too much stress." or "Maybe you should not have worked as much."
If you did not read my blog about "should have, could have, would have", please do! Saying this to me makes me start blaming myself. I was being watched closely. I ate right and drank lots of water. I AM a GOOD mom and I did not take on more than I could handle or I would have begged for bed rest.
"I had a miscarriage too."
This one has been very interesting, and does not bother me as much. It just depends on how it was said. Some who have said this to me, have said so as if they had also experienced the loss that we have. Please, do not get me wrong. A loss IS a loss. But did you physically deliver your dead son's body? Were you past 20 weeks, which is when a loss at that time is termed a stillbirth? I am sure a miscarriage is devastating. I have not experienced one at this point, so, I cannot honestly say I know how you felt or even how you still feel. But, I can honestly say that when you were only about 3 weeks away from your due date and you loose your child, telling me that you had a miscarriage does not help. We had his nursery at home and his nursery at work ready. His clothes were washed, his bottles were cleaned and put in the cabinets. The stroller was ready to bring him home. I am sorry for your loss, I really am, but please don't try to talk to me like we have experienced the same loss. I cannot imagine what your loss felt like, but my grief right now reminds me that I carried him for 9 months and expected him to be born alive any day.
However, this has also been said to me in the sense that the person saying it has hurt from a loss or losses before. They understands that they lost their child earlier along in the pregnancy. They know that they cannot imagine the grief we feel over our loss further along. I appreciate that. At the same time, I cannot imagine the grief someone has felt over a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages. I will be a shoulder for you to cry on, and ear to vent to, and arms to hug you, but I will not say to you, I had a loss too.
Andrew and I have also discussed how people have shared with us a loss of a child early on, but who was delivered breathing & crying. We cannot imagine the pain of hearing your child cry and losing them after or having them die in your arms. I will never say to someone who has or unfortunately will experience loosing a child after birth that I loss my child too. There is a difference. We all had a loss. And, for that, I will pray for your peace and healing as well as a healthy, full-term pregnancy with a healthy baby to take home someday.
"You should wait several months before trying again"
While this may make sense to some, it may not make sense to all. Everyone grieves differently. And, whenever the parents decide to try again should be between God, them, and their doctor. They will NEVER replace their lost child, but empty arms is a feeling I would not wish upon anyone. When you become expecting parents, you are expecting to do so much with a child. You expect to feed, change, hold, teach, and watch your child grow. When, after 9 long months, that is taken away from you, you find yourself lost. For me, the months of pregnancy went by fast, but now time is dragging on. I have so much energy because I am not awake throughout the night or constantly taking care of a newborn. I feel like I am forgetting to do something all day long. I find myself thinking how ready I was to care for my son when I am packing my purse for a road trip with our do. I also got the same feeling recently, when I took care of my husband while he was sick. These were things I have done before, but I now take time to focus on and enjoy. My arms feel empty. And, I feel very frustrated to have given birth, but not be able to utilize my energy taking care of my son OR be able to have relations with my husband. I feel very helpless and lonely. So please, do not think that waiting months or years is good emotionally for us. We will never be done grieving. And, if you know us, than you know that we have an unexplainable peace about our loss.
"Congratulations"
Please make sure that you know whether or not the baby is healthy. With technology the way it is today, word spreads fast, but please make sure you are reading the correct story. Also, please make sure, especially if you are with an insurance company or physicians office, that you read the chart before making this phone call!
If you are not sure how the baby is, or if the baby has been born yet, ask, "How is momma doing?" This is a safe question, because if you did not know, you honestly did not know. And, although you may feel bad if the answer is "not good" or "baby did not make it", please do not feel bad. I prefer this questions so that I may talk about my son, and the peace that God is providing us. I will remind you that you did not know and you should not feel bad.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
Yes, that is a true statement. But, now I am going to wonder what I did wrong to not be able to have a healthy child. Now I am going to be more cautious telling others of my next pregnancy. Now I am going to worry every minute of every day that I am pregnant again. Now I am going to live in fear every time that is said to me. It is a reminder that my pregnancy did not end as one would have expected or hoped. Also, if I do not get pregnant again right away, or if I miscarry I am going to remember this statement and get myself all upset again. I am going to let frustration and anger rear its ugly head. And I will probably listen to the devil whisper in my ear that it is my fault I cannot get past being pregnant.
Also, as I mentioned above, I do not know what it is like to have a miscarriage. But, if this were said to me after I miscarried, as it was to a dear friend, I think I would wonder what was wrong with my body that I could not carry the pregnancy along further. I would start to blame myself again. I would also think I would feel like people believed that child did not matter. I am a firm believer in once you are pregnant, once the sperm and the egg start forming a fetus, than there is a child! This was her child and in some cases, her children. Please acknowledge that she is a MOM and she is grieving over her LOSS! She probably did not feel all the kicks and movements. She missed out on more than loosing her child, and now, she has to start all over again. Unfortunately, "Father Time" will move ever so slowly. And, there may have to be D & C's or other procedures done making time move even slower until she can hopefully hold one of her precious children in her arms.
Yes, I can get pregnant, WHAT'S YOUR POINT!!!????
Each person's journey is different and it is never easy deciding on what to say. Before you speak, please pray for God to give you the right words.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Riley's Due Date
Today, February 21, 2013 was Riley's due date. Of course, it is a small percentage that babies are even born on their due date, but for expecting parents, this date becomes engraved into their minds from the moment they learn they are expecting parents!
I dreaded today several weeks ago, and then found myself scheduling patients for today and did not even think about it being Riley's due date. However, as yesterday passed and I thought about it more, I did start to become upset. The thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had not been born yet, as well as the thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had been born, but born alive and healthy, started filling my mind. We also received a call to go in to talk to one of our doctor's today about Riley's results regarding his genetic & chromosomal analysis. We learned that he was deficient in chromosome 22q11, which is heavily correlated with a condition referred to as Di George Syndrome. We both then underwent blood draws for testing to determine the chances of one of us being a carrier. We are praying that we are more of the 90% chance of not being carriers, because if we are carriers, that would mean there is a 50% chance of recurrence of these problems with future pregnancies.
Today was a day that I have had highlighted on 2 different pregnancy applications on my phone. Today was a day that I have written about, shared, and counted down to....at least up until January 31st when we learned that Riley's life was over, and we did not need to count down to a due date anymore.
Riley was our first child. It is difficult some days to come home to an empty house or to see our friends and neighbors with their children. Do they know we are parents? Of course they do, they know our situation. But does the mail lady know that when she waves, I have a broken heart and that I am a mom to an angel? She may because of all the cards we have been receiving. But what about the woman who checks us out in the grocery store? Or the man who bags our groceries? Do they know that I am the same woman who waddled through the store only a month earlier? Do they know that we are parents? Do they know our son lives in Heaven?
Did the woman at the post office see the tears I shed for my lost son, that I was still carrying inside of me only minutes after we learned his heart no longer had a beat? Did the waiter at Steak-N-Shake know that I did not have much of an appetite because we were on our way to deliver our stillborn son? Did he know that I craved that milkshake and realized that my son would no longer be "sharing" it with me?
Could people tell that I had just given birth at the hospital when I walked out, declining a wheelchair because I already felt like people were staring at me. Did they know that I could only carry our son out in our hearts?
Riley, you are forever loved and have touched so many lives. The desire of my heart has been to bear children and God gave me that desire with you son. I cannot wait to see you in Heaven someday, and know that your precious little heart has healed forever! Right now, your daddy and I are learning how to deal with the pain in ours, but we would rather us endure the pain than to ever let you feel it! We love you son, and we are blessed to be called your mommy and daddy, even if many people we meet have no idea that we are parents!
I dreaded today several weeks ago, and then found myself scheduling patients for today and did not even think about it being Riley's due date. However, as yesterday passed and I thought about it more, I did start to become upset. The thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had not been born yet, as well as the thoughts of what we would be doing if Riley had been born, but born alive and healthy, started filling my mind. We also received a call to go in to talk to one of our doctor's today about Riley's results regarding his genetic & chromosomal analysis. We learned that he was deficient in chromosome 22q11, which is heavily correlated with a condition referred to as Di George Syndrome. We both then underwent blood draws for testing to determine the chances of one of us being a carrier. We are praying that we are more of the 90% chance of not being carriers, because if we are carriers, that would mean there is a 50% chance of recurrence of these problems with future pregnancies.
Today was a day that I have had highlighted on 2 different pregnancy applications on my phone. Today was a day that I have written about, shared, and counted down to....at least up until January 31st when we learned that Riley's life was over, and we did not need to count down to a due date anymore.
Riley was our first child. It is difficult some days to come home to an empty house or to see our friends and neighbors with their children. Do they know we are parents? Of course they do, they know our situation. But does the mail lady know that when she waves, I have a broken heart and that I am a mom to an angel? She may because of all the cards we have been receiving. But what about the woman who checks us out in the grocery store? Or the man who bags our groceries? Do they know that I am the same woman who waddled through the store only a month earlier? Do they know that we are parents? Do they know our son lives in Heaven?
Did the woman at the post office see the tears I shed for my lost son, that I was still carrying inside of me only minutes after we learned his heart no longer had a beat? Did the waiter at Steak-N-Shake know that I did not have much of an appetite because we were on our way to deliver our stillborn son? Did he know that I craved that milkshake and realized that my son would no longer be "sharing" it with me?
Could people tell that I had just given birth at the hospital when I walked out, declining a wheelchair because I already felt like people were staring at me. Did they know that I could only carry our son out in our hearts?
Riley, you are forever loved and have touched so many lives. The desire of my heart has been to bear children and God gave me that desire with you son. I cannot wait to see you in Heaven someday, and know that your precious little heart has healed forever! Right now, your daddy and I are learning how to deal with the pain in ours, but we would rather us endure the pain than to ever let you feel it! We love you son, and we are blessed to be called your mommy and daddy, even if many people we meet have no idea that we are parents!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
"Inspiration"
Throughout the past weeks, even months, Andrew and I have made posts on our Facebook walls and we have talked to people in the community about our situation with Riley. We talked about whatever was going on during that time, whether it was learning about his heart or learning that his heart was no longer beating. It was at that point, 12 days after the fact, that I started blogging and learning that my blogs were being shared with people I have never met!
We have learned that we have been an "inspiration". I say that with quotations, because as flattered as we may be, it was never our intention. I say that with quotations because many of the people who have said that to us have actually been an inspiration to us! We are weak and immature in our faith more than we are strong and mature. We both grew up in Christian homes and went to church. We have always been believers. We have followed more closely at different points of our lives. We can honestly say that since our relationship began back in April 2010, we have slowly been growing with God as the center, and it was not until just before we found out that we were pregnant with Riley that we decided to join Wellspring and be re-baptized together and REALLY follow and walk with God. We still have a lot to learn! For me, I need to be better at studying and memorizing scripture as well as praying out loud (in front of others). I also need to give up completely to God what I tend to give for the moment and then take back and worry over the next moment!
We are learning that with each story someone shares with us about how we have inspired them, it helps us to be more at peace living on Earth without our son. We miss Riley every day and that will NEVER change, but when we learn that someone spoke to their dad after 20 years, or went to church again for the first time in 3 years, or has finally received peace after years of grieving over their stillborn child, well, that speaks volumes! It shows us what our Riley's life meant to so many people even though he never met them. It makes us very proud parents. For that WE are eternally grateful, for that WE are inspired!
At Riley's memorial service, we invited anyone up front to speak who wanted to give a testimonial about how Riley's life made an impact into their own. Andrew and I both know that there are people who wanted to speak then but did not want to get up in front of everyone. We have also learned that there are people who want to share with us now, but are even struggling with what to say.
If you have been "inspired" by us and by our son Riley, please do not hesitate to call us, to write us, to send an anonymous letter if you would prefer. Each story has been like a band-aid over my heart. It has been medicine for my soul, and I thank you! We also want to pray for you, for continued peace and comfort in your life that God can provide. We want to pray for your continued strength because each day can and will be a struggle.
If you are reading my blogs and do not know Andrew or myself, but want to share a story more privately than commenting on my blog, or if you do know us but want to share privately, please send your story to 2055 Wall Street in Spring Hill, TN 37174.
Thank you for reading my blogs, for opening your heart and ears to our story, and for hopefully opening your heart to Jesus! God bless you all!
We have learned that we have been an "inspiration". I say that with quotations, because as flattered as we may be, it was never our intention. I say that with quotations because many of the people who have said that to us have actually been an inspiration to us! We are weak and immature in our faith more than we are strong and mature. We both grew up in Christian homes and went to church. We have always been believers. We have followed more closely at different points of our lives. We can honestly say that since our relationship began back in April 2010, we have slowly been growing with God as the center, and it was not until just before we found out that we were pregnant with Riley that we decided to join Wellspring and be re-baptized together and REALLY follow and walk with God. We still have a lot to learn! For me, I need to be better at studying and memorizing scripture as well as praying out loud (in front of others). I also need to give up completely to God what I tend to give for the moment and then take back and worry over the next moment!
We are learning that with each story someone shares with us about how we have inspired them, it helps us to be more at peace living on Earth without our son. We miss Riley every day and that will NEVER change, but when we learn that someone spoke to their dad after 20 years, or went to church again for the first time in 3 years, or has finally received peace after years of grieving over their stillborn child, well, that speaks volumes! It shows us what our Riley's life meant to so many people even though he never met them. It makes us very proud parents. For that WE are eternally grateful, for that WE are inspired!
At Riley's memorial service, we invited anyone up front to speak who wanted to give a testimonial about how Riley's life made an impact into their own. Andrew and I both know that there are people who wanted to speak then but did not want to get up in front of everyone. We have also learned that there are people who want to share with us now, but are even struggling with what to say.
If you have been "inspired" by us and by our son Riley, please do not hesitate to call us, to write us, to send an anonymous letter if you would prefer. Each story has been like a band-aid over my heart. It has been medicine for my soul, and I thank you! We also want to pray for you, for continued peace and comfort in your life that God can provide. We want to pray for your continued strength because each day can and will be a struggle.
If you are reading my blogs and do not know Andrew or myself, but want to share a story more privately than commenting on my blog, or if you do know us but want to share privately, please send your story to 2055 Wall Street in Spring Hill, TN 37174.
Thank you for reading my blogs, for opening your heart and ears to our story, and for hopefully opening your heart to Jesus! God bless you all!
 |
| Riley's Urn surrounded by gifts from loved ones |
Sunday, February 17, 2013
February 15 & 16 Devotional
I feel compelled to share a parts of the devotional from both February 15 and February 16 out of our "Jesus Calling" daily devotional by Sarah Young.
On February 15 is starts out, "COME TO ME with all your weaknesses; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is impossible with Me."
On February 16 it starts out, "THANK ME for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sickbeds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating hen your strongest desire is living close to Me."
Wow! We came to Him! I came to Him! I know that His presence is what gave me the comfort I needed the moment we were told that our son no longer had a heartbeat. I FELT it! I felt it as my husband and I hugged each other and cried! I felt it throughout my labor. I felt it when we held our son in the bed that evening. I felt it when I had to hand Riley to Andrew to hand him to the nurse for our final goodbye (as I did not have the strength to be the one to give him away), and it was probably at that moment when I didn't want to admit His presence the most, but I cannot deny that He was there. I feel His presence now, each day as I talk to Him, as I yell at Him, as I laugh at myself for yelling at Him. Nothing is impossible with Him. We ask and he answers. The answer may not come at that moment, and the answer may not be the answer we desire, but we can find rest in the comfort of His presence! How awesome is that?! The devotional that day goes on to tell us to focus on Him, to take our mind away from our problems. It says, "Instead of trying to direct Me to do this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing." Powerful words! Inspirational words! Peaceful, comforting words! He is doing amazing things in our lives as we mourn, grieve, and celebrate the short life of our Riley. I have to remember to ask Him to fill me with the words he wants me to share, to witness to others as He desires. I need to give up control in my life and give it ALL to him. Not part, not what I want Him to take care of at that moment, but ALL and NOW. I know when I give up something, tell Him that he can control it and I will not try to any longer I feel better. I have peace. How amazing would it feel to have complete peace?! To have complete comfort and trust? Right now, when I give Him my grief, my heartache, my anger, I feel stronger. I feel like He has a mission for me. I know he has a mission for me, but for me to have the strength I need to successfully complete the mission, I need to give it all to him.
February 15th's devotional ends with 3 verses. I encourage you to look them up if you do not have them memorized. Luke 1:37, Ephesians 3:20-21, and Psalm 23:1-4.
February 16th's devotional touched me in the same way. First, I need to remember to come to Him with my weakness, and then I need to thank Him for the condition that reminds me to be still. It is in the quiet and still moments that we remember His presence. His strength and power can be most effective in the weakness we have. He does not promise us that the road will be easy. He does not tell us that if we follow Him we will not suffer. So why is it that we tend to only remember Him when we want something? Why is it that we blame Him when the road is not easy but forget He is walking the road with us, that it is a road He said would be difficult? I need to come to Him with every moment, but I also need to thank Him for the moments He reminds me He is there, even if it is a difficult moment.
February 16th's devotional ends with 3 verses as well. I also encourage you to look them up.
Zechariah 2:13, Isaiah 30:15, and 2 Corinthians 12:9.
God, I come to you with the anger I feel for taking my son from us before we even had a chance to raise him, to watch him grow outside of my womb. God, I come to you with the pain I feel when I see pregnant women now, and see my friends and family who have recently had a baby. God, I come to you with the fears in my heart of bearing future healthy children. And God, I come to you with the loss I feel when I see my husband hurting. Please take the blame I feel, I give it to you! But Lord, I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to be Riley's mother. I thank you for the mission you are leading us on through our heartache and tears. I thank you for giving Andrew to me to be my husband, to be my best friend, and to be by my side as we worship you and learn more about your will for our lives. I thank you for forgiving me of my weaknesses and reminding me to be still! I thank you for the struggles I have had that help me make me a better person and a better witness for you. Lord, I ask that you help remind those who are struggling with similar situations, no matter when they occurred, that they are reminded of your presence and that they remember how BIG you are. I pray that you help guide them along the mission in their life from their own situation and continue to serve you. You are an awesome God and I thank you for my life! Amen.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Should Have, Could Have, Would Have's
If you have lost a loved one, especially if you are like us and had to say goodbye to your child before you had the opportunity to hear him cry or rock him in your arms, then you know what it is like to have your mind plagued with questions. You give answers to these questions, but the reality is that it is too late, too late to re-write the past, and truth be told, you can "should have, could have, would have" all you want but the outcome would have been the same.
The devil constantly whispers in our ear. He knows our weakest moments, our most sensitive areas and he preys on us for that reason. We just have to learn when to say enough is enough and pray. I mean really pray harder, harder than we ever have before to God to save us from the enemy. Pray for comfort, pray for peace.
I am a victim of those thoughts. I am ashamed to admit that I listen to those thoughts. That I replay the last week of January, and even earlier times in my mind. I do not pray loud or hard enough at those times that I am listening.
BUT, I do trust in my best friend, my husband, Andrew. I tell him when I am listening. I tell him when I am weak and he helps remind me of the strength God can give us. And God speaks through him so I will put my stubbornness aside and listen...even if it is just for the moment I need until another moment of ugly, self-blame arises. I believe it is important to have an accountability partner to trust so when you fail to turn away from listening to the enemy, you will entrust in someone to help remind you that GOD IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT. God is so BIG, we often forget how BIG He really is! As we have been discussing a lot in worship lately, we do not pray big enough for our BIG GOD! Because I sometimes selfishly want my son to be here on Earth with me, I will let my self-pity consume me when I see other babies or when I think about what I wish I were doing. It is at those moments I am the weakest and the devil whispers in my ear....he is very good, but he is not going to win in the end!
I will share with you how I listened to the enemy this past week. You see, I was gaining weight with the swelling of fluids during my pregnancy with Riley. I was being closely watched for more signs of pre-eclampsia. I did not have protein in my urine and my blood pressure was normal. But I was swelling so much my rings quit fitting, and I could not see my ankles. My feet were so puffy I had a hard time finding shoes that fit. Earlier that week I was not feeling well, I felt off....hard to explain but I figured I was just tired. We were almost done with work for the day. I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was slightly above what it normally was, but not the level I was told to call the OB about. We went home and my blood pressure was down later that evening. It was a few days later that we would learn Riley's heart quit beating. How could I not blame myself...I am his mother, I was carrying him. I started replaying everything I did during my pregnancy in my mind. I thought about all the times I did not feel "right" as well as all the times I went to sleep on my side but woke up on my back. I was "should have, could have, would having" myself to tears. Listening to the enemy tell me I was not a good mom. I know it would be easier to not think about if I was still not visiting the OB weekly to monitor my blood pressure and liver enzyme levels. I did not realize how much swelling I had until people started to comment on how my face was looking normal and when I could see my ankles again. I also did not know how worried the doctors were until my OB mentioned how "preeclamptic" I looked the day we learned our son's life had ended. And after we heard the news, my normal blood pressure increased as well as my pulse. I didn't realize how concerned for my life the doctors were until I sat back and rethought about the events in those long hours of going from one OB to another as well as our time in the hospital.
My mom was preeclamptic with me and she has told me about how she didn't realize how serious the situation was until about 4 years later when she was in the hospital with my sister, not preeclamptic with her, but watched how concerned the doctors and nurses were with other preeclamptic moms.
When you miss your child so terribly that you can feel your heart ache again, it is common to replay every moment you can to remember his precious life. That led to me trying to "bring my son back" with every "should have, could have, would have" I could. But then I remember that I am learning how our son has helped us grow closer to God and then I pray and talk to Andrew. I am suddenly filled with the peace I need for that moment. That is how I am learning to live...moment to moment.
One day, when I am reunited with my son, I will ask God why. I imagine He will show me everything I did in my life and all that I changed, for the better, after we lost our son. He will show me how Andrew and I grew closer together and closer to Him.
I recently read a blog by a dear friend and was reminded of Romans 15:13, "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the POWER of the Holy Spirit". We have to remember to give it all to God. I have to remember to give it all to God and quit listening to the enemy. After all, no matter what I did or did not do, my son would still be living with Jesus right now and as hard as it is to understand that, it is not up to my own understanding, but it is up to me to trust in God!
The devil constantly whispers in our ear. He knows our weakest moments, our most sensitive areas and he preys on us for that reason. We just have to learn when to say enough is enough and pray. I mean really pray harder, harder than we ever have before to God to save us from the enemy. Pray for comfort, pray for peace.
I am a victim of those thoughts. I am ashamed to admit that I listen to those thoughts. That I replay the last week of January, and even earlier times in my mind. I do not pray loud or hard enough at those times that I am listening.
BUT, I do trust in my best friend, my husband, Andrew. I tell him when I am listening. I tell him when I am weak and he helps remind me of the strength God can give us. And God speaks through him so I will put my stubbornness aside and listen...even if it is just for the moment I need until another moment of ugly, self-blame arises. I believe it is important to have an accountability partner to trust so when you fail to turn away from listening to the enemy, you will entrust in someone to help remind you that GOD IS THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIGHT. God is so BIG, we often forget how BIG He really is! As we have been discussing a lot in worship lately, we do not pray big enough for our BIG GOD! Because I sometimes selfishly want my son to be here on Earth with me, I will let my self-pity consume me when I see other babies or when I think about what I wish I were doing. It is at those moments I am the weakest and the devil whispers in my ear....he is very good, but he is not going to win in the end!
I will share with you how I listened to the enemy this past week. You see, I was gaining weight with the swelling of fluids during my pregnancy with Riley. I was being closely watched for more signs of pre-eclampsia. I did not have protein in my urine and my blood pressure was normal. But I was swelling so much my rings quit fitting, and I could not see my ankles. My feet were so puffy I had a hard time finding shoes that fit. Earlier that week I was not feeling well, I felt off....hard to explain but I figured I was just tired. We were almost done with work for the day. I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was slightly above what it normally was, but not the level I was told to call the OB about. We went home and my blood pressure was down later that evening. It was a few days later that we would learn Riley's heart quit beating. How could I not blame myself...I am his mother, I was carrying him. I started replaying everything I did during my pregnancy in my mind. I thought about all the times I did not feel "right" as well as all the times I went to sleep on my side but woke up on my back. I was "should have, could have, would having" myself to tears. Listening to the enemy tell me I was not a good mom. I know it would be easier to not think about if I was still not visiting the OB weekly to monitor my blood pressure and liver enzyme levels. I did not realize how much swelling I had until people started to comment on how my face was looking normal and when I could see my ankles again. I also did not know how worried the doctors were until my OB mentioned how "preeclamptic" I looked the day we learned our son's life had ended. And after we heard the news, my normal blood pressure increased as well as my pulse. I didn't realize how concerned for my life the doctors were until I sat back and rethought about the events in those long hours of going from one OB to another as well as our time in the hospital.
My mom was preeclamptic with me and she has told me about how she didn't realize how serious the situation was until about 4 years later when she was in the hospital with my sister, not preeclamptic with her, but watched how concerned the doctors and nurses were with other preeclamptic moms.
When you miss your child so terribly that you can feel your heart ache again, it is common to replay every moment you can to remember his precious life. That led to me trying to "bring my son back" with every "should have, could have, would have" I could. But then I remember that I am learning how our son has helped us grow closer to God and then I pray and talk to Andrew. I am suddenly filled with the peace I need for that moment. That is how I am learning to live...moment to moment.
One day, when I am reunited with my son, I will ask God why. I imagine He will show me everything I did in my life and all that I changed, for the better, after we lost our son. He will show me how Andrew and I grew closer together and closer to Him.
I recently read a blog by a dear friend and was reminded of Romans 15:13, "May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the POWER of the Holy Spirit". We have to remember to give it all to God. I have to remember to give it all to God and quit listening to the enemy. After all, no matter what I did or did not do, my son would still be living with Jesus right now and as hard as it is to understand that, it is not up to my own understanding, but it is up to me to trust in God!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Valentine's Day 2013
Today is a day in which florists are frantically out making deliveries, pharmacies and grocery stores have increased sales in cards and candy, parties are held at schools and work, dinner reservations are more difficult to make at the last minute, and friends and loved ones are giving extra hugs and kisses.
Today I sat and stared at the picture of one of my valentine's, my handsome son Riley. I sat and wondered, if he had been born on February 1st alive would I have bought him a card? Would I have put a onsie on his perfect little body with hearts or the word "Valentine" featured on the front? If he had been born but had to be in NICU, would I be decorating his room with hearts? But because my sweet angel is in Heaven and all I am left to look at is his picture, should I be decorating the frame? Should I still buy him a card? What will I do for future Valentine's Days, when we have other children whom we will dress up and give cards to?
That is when I decided, and realized, my life is full of Valentines. I am so blessed with so many dear friends and an amazing family, as well as strangers who care for me that I have not even met yet. Therefore, I will spend my Valentine's, this year and all the years to come remembering how blessed I am! This year, I want to recognize the 3 Valentine's in my life who are the closest to my heart.
My first Valentine I will recognize is our dog Gunnar. Gunnar is our first "child" and a border collie mix. We adopted Gunnar in December 2011. He was about 10 weeks old. He was under 10 pounds, super soft, and very playful. We learned right away that he has separation anxiety when we are not around. He can be with other people, but he has to know that we are near. We filled our phones with pictures of him. We talked about all the cute things he would do like carrying in flower pots from outside through the doggie door. He quickly grew and before we knew it he became close to 75 pounds. He is probably closer to 80 pounds by now. He loves his bones, and he still has to know that we are near. We are amazed that he still fits through his doggie door. Andrew has really worked with him and taught him so many tricks. We love to take him out and show him off! Gunnar sensed things had changed when I became pregnant. He would not get really close to me at first, but he would stay near me and give a protective bark at anything that concerned him. As my belly grew, Gunnar would get closer to me. He would often lay his head on my belly, as you can see in a picture below. When we came home from the hospital, empty handed, it was if he could sense that we really needed him. He hung closer to Andrew and I, even when we had company at the house. And, the past week he has sat on my lap! This is quite a site as he is not a small dog, and he has not tried to sit on my lap since I had first become pregnant! I think he senses that I am dealing with empty arm syndrome and missing a child in my arms and on my lap! He is our blessing and comfort at home and I am so glad we have him! He is my furry Valentine!
My second Valentine is our son Riley. Riley was a surprise from God. Let me start by telling you that Andrew and I had a lot going on and we had decided we would wait a year before trying to get pregnant. God had other plans! I remember talking with a good friend of mine about babies, I told her I was late, but that it was not uncommon. Secretly, I wondered. A few days later, I was playing phone tag with a nurse from my OB's office to okay dermatology medication to help my adult acne. We were not planning or trying for children, but I did not want to start any medication for my acne that I would have to stop in a year to try to get pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and read the results just before my phone rang. It was my nurse. I said, "By the way, if I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, what should I do?" I remember she said "Celebrate!" and then went on to tell me to either come in for a blood test or to wait a couple days and then take another test, but the pregnancy tests you can buy are usually accurate. I also remember saying, "Gunnar! We're pregnant" and then going out to buy another test to take right then. Wait a couple days! Was she crazy!? When that test showed positive I immediately began texting Andrew, insisting he meet me for lunch. He did not really have much time for lunch, but I had already started driving to meet him. He suggested sushi. I started to tell him that I should not eat sushi, but caught myself knowing that I could find SOMETHING else off the menu and told him that was fine. I met him in the parking lot with probably the biggest, goofiest grin on my face. I said, "I have news." He took one look at me smiled back and said, "You're pregnant?!" I just nodded. We had a very brief lunch and an agonizing rest of the afternoon! We wanted to share our news! We wanted to talk to each other about it, but he was working. We had a miracle from God starting to form inside of me! We were parents! From that day on our conversations about Gunnar and all his cuteness started to include our baby. We talked about names, that was easy! Riley boy or girl. We met because he worked at Riley Hospital for Children and were set up on a blind date by one of the attending dentists who was also a dentist I worked for in private practice. We talked about the nursery. We talked about what kind of parents we would be.
And all throughout our talking, our precious baby boy was growing. I started showing around 8 weeks. I felt his first kick at 10 weeks, when I was behind the wheel driving us home from a visit to Indiana. What a beautiful feeling! The flutter around your stomach when you feel the first kicks! He did not move a lot more until about 19 weeks. At 20 weeks, when he was busy showing off that he was a boy, Andrew had the biggest smile on his face. We talked as we left that appointment and found out that both of us had secretly prayed for Riley to be a boy the morning of our ultrasound appointment! As I mentioned in my previous blog, we learned a lot more about Riley and his umbilical cord and heart as the weeks went on, but throughout that all, he was growing and touching our lives and hearts in ways that we are still learning about.
He was a mover! He would flip and move and rotate mostly at OB appointments and at night when we laid down to sleep. He put his thumb in his mouth a couple times (we could see the side profile), just to taunt us we are sure! When Gunnar would put his head on my belly, he would give a kick. One night, when Andrew was talking to him, he punched his head through my belly! I wish I could have captured one of the movements on video on my phone. Anytime I would think about it, and grab my phone he would quit moving. He was stubborn, just like his father and myself! He gave me a weak appetite the first few weeks. He caused me to become sick if I used mint toothpaste. He craved Doritos and fruit. He disliked salad (mostly lettuce) and chicken. I could eat chicken if it was in a casserole or shredded. I could not cut chicken and eat it without gagging. I could not stand the smell of ground beef cooking. He craved a frozen coke from Burger King, but their machine was not working. He craved pink-iced animal crackers, but by the time I found a store that still carried them, the craving was gone! He loved milk! I could not drink enough milk! He had such a personality without ever leaving my womb! I had a little bit of heartburn, which made me wonder if he had a full head of hair. He loved music, especially when his daddy sang. We would be in the car and sing to the radio or at church, and he would kick. He ALWAYS kicked to "10 Thousand Reasons" and "It Is Well With My Soul". We thought he would be a dancer like his daddy. I bet, even though my little Valentine is in Heaven, he is dancing and singing to entertain the other angels just like his daddy does down here! He grew so big I had to start wearing Andrew's scrubs. None of my large or extra large maternity clothes were fitting! And shoes, well I had one pair of tennis shoes that fit!
Riley, you will always be my baby, and you will always be my Valentine, even if you are not physically here to kiss all over you and dress you up with the most masculine hearts I could find.
Some very dear old friends mailed me a charming silver necklace with a heart that says "Riley," which I received yesterday. I immediately put it on and today it reminds me that my Valentine Riley has my heart and he lives in mine!
Finally, my third Valentine is my handsome, incredible, and talented husband. Andrew and I will have been married 2 years this coming July. When I first met Andrew, I knew there was something about him, but I could not put my finger on it. I was trying so hard to be finished with dating, and he had this pull toward him, making me want to talk to him and see him again. I found him attractive and fascinating but at the same time, peculiar. I mean, come on, what guy opens doors and pulls out chairs for women! My amazing husband, that's who! I remember Diana, the women who set us up, telling me that if I could not make up my mind about Andrew, then she was going to introduce him to someone else. I called my dad, crying, and my dad, who had not met Andrew at that point, told me that if I did not really try dating him that I would make the biggest mistake of my life. From that point on, I put my whole heart into dating Andrew. It was not long after that I realized how hard I had fallen for him. I told him that if he did not propose by New Years, then I was going to propose to him. He surprised me with the most beautiful proposal on December 23rd, 2010. I will save that story for another blog...maybe our anniversary. We married on July 2, 2011 in Greenwood, IN. We moved a couple days after our honeymoon and started working. Our first year was stressful, we had lots of ups and lots of downs. By the end of our first year, we had already started having a stronger bond. We knew we both loved each other, we knew marriage would not be easy, and we knew we needed to really focus and do better about making God the center of our marriage.
And that is what we did. I thank God every day for Andrew. He is my soulmate, and he is my earthly rock. I love him with all of my heart, and although we are currently going through one of life's more difficult trials, I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have by my side. He helps remind me of God's strength during my weakest moments. I am so proud of him and the man he has become! We faced a lot of trials early on in our marriage that we realized now helped bring us closer together and closer to God so that when we lost our son, we could hold each other up and remember that we are on a team TOGETHER. After all, we now know that we can make handsome children!
Andrew, I love you more each day! Congratulations on opening Williamson Pediatric Dentistry! It is a blessing to see you do what you love to do every day! I look forward to many more Valentine's with you by my side!
Today I sat and stared at the picture of one of my valentine's, my handsome son Riley. I sat and wondered, if he had been born on February 1st alive would I have bought him a card? Would I have put a onsie on his perfect little body with hearts or the word "Valentine" featured on the front? If he had been born but had to be in NICU, would I be decorating his room with hearts? But because my sweet angel is in Heaven and all I am left to look at is his picture, should I be decorating the frame? Should I still buy him a card? What will I do for future Valentine's Days, when we have other children whom we will dress up and give cards to?
That is when I decided, and realized, my life is full of Valentines. I am so blessed with so many dear friends and an amazing family, as well as strangers who care for me that I have not even met yet. Therefore, I will spend my Valentine's, this year and all the years to come remembering how blessed I am! This year, I want to recognize the 3 Valentine's in my life who are the closest to my heart.
My first Valentine I will recognize is our dog Gunnar. Gunnar is our first "child" and a border collie mix. We adopted Gunnar in December 2011. He was about 10 weeks old. He was under 10 pounds, super soft, and very playful. We learned right away that he has separation anxiety when we are not around. He can be with other people, but he has to know that we are near. We filled our phones with pictures of him. We talked about all the cute things he would do like carrying in flower pots from outside through the doggie door. He quickly grew and before we knew it he became close to 75 pounds. He is probably closer to 80 pounds by now. He loves his bones, and he still has to know that we are near. We are amazed that he still fits through his doggie door. Andrew has really worked with him and taught him so many tricks. We love to take him out and show him off! Gunnar sensed things had changed when I became pregnant. He would not get really close to me at first, but he would stay near me and give a protective bark at anything that concerned him. As my belly grew, Gunnar would get closer to me. He would often lay his head on my belly, as you can see in a picture below. When we came home from the hospital, empty handed, it was if he could sense that we really needed him. He hung closer to Andrew and I, even when we had company at the house. And, the past week he has sat on my lap! This is quite a site as he is not a small dog, and he has not tried to sit on my lap since I had first become pregnant! I think he senses that I am dealing with empty arm syndrome and missing a child in my arms and on my lap! He is our blessing and comfort at home and I am so glad we have him! He is my furry Valentine!
 |
| Riley is pushing out to the left side!
|
My second Valentine is our son Riley. Riley was a surprise from God. Let me start by telling you that Andrew and I had a lot going on and we had decided we would wait a year before trying to get pregnant. God had other plans! I remember talking with a good friend of mine about babies, I told her I was late, but that it was not uncommon. Secretly, I wondered. A few days later, I was playing phone tag with a nurse from my OB's office to okay dermatology medication to help my adult acne. We were not planning or trying for children, but I did not want to start any medication for my acne that I would have to stop in a year to try to get pregnant. I took a pregnancy test and read the results just before my phone rang. It was my nurse. I said, "By the way, if I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, what should I do?" I remember she said "Celebrate!" and then went on to tell me to either come in for a blood test or to wait a couple days and then take another test, but the pregnancy tests you can buy are usually accurate. I also remember saying, "Gunnar! We're pregnant" and then going out to buy another test to take right then. Wait a couple days! Was she crazy!? When that test showed positive I immediately began texting Andrew, insisting he meet me for lunch. He did not really have much time for lunch, but I had already started driving to meet him. He suggested sushi. I started to tell him that I should not eat sushi, but caught myself knowing that I could find SOMETHING else off the menu and told him that was fine. I met him in the parking lot with probably the biggest, goofiest grin on my face. I said, "I have news." He took one look at me smiled back and said, "You're pregnant?!" I just nodded. We had a very brief lunch and an agonizing rest of the afternoon! We wanted to share our news! We wanted to talk to each other about it, but he was working. We had a miracle from God starting to form inside of me! We were parents! From that day on our conversations about Gunnar and all his cuteness started to include our baby. We talked about names, that was easy! Riley boy or girl. We met because he worked at Riley Hospital for Children and were set up on a blind date by one of the attending dentists who was also a dentist I worked for in private practice. We talked about the nursery. We talked about what kind of parents we would be.
And all throughout our talking, our precious baby boy was growing. I started showing around 8 weeks. I felt his first kick at 10 weeks, when I was behind the wheel driving us home from a visit to Indiana. What a beautiful feeling! The flutter around your stomach when you feel the first kicks! He did not move a lot more until about 19 weeks. At 20 weeks, when he was busy showing off that he was a boy, Andrew had the biggest smile on his face. We talked as we left that appointment and found out that both of us had secretly prayed for Riley to be a boy the morning of our ultrasound appointment! As I mentioned in my previous blog, we learned a lot more about Riley and his umbilical cord and heart as the weeks went on, but throughout that all, he was growing and touching our lives and hearts in ways that we are still learning about.
He was a mover! He would flip and move and rotate mostly at OB appointments and at night when we laid down to sleep. He put his thumb in his mouth a couple times (we could see the side profile), just to taunt us we are sure! When Gunnar would put his head on my belly, he would give a kick. One night, when Andrew was talking to him, he punched his head through my belly! I wish I could have captured one of the movements on video on my phone. Anytime I would think about it, and grab my phone he would quit moving. He was stubborn, just like his father and myself! He gave me a weak appetite the first few weeks. He caused me to become sick if I used mint toothpaste. He craved Doritos and fruit. He disliked salad (mostly lettuce) and chicken. I could eat chicken if it was in a casserole or shredded. I could not cut chicken and eat it without gagging. I could not stand the smell of ground beef cooking. He craved a frozen coke from Burger King, but their machine was not working. He craved pink-iced animal crackers, but by the time I found a store that still carried them, the craving was gone! He loved milk! I could not drink enough milk! He had such a personality without ever leaving my womb! I had a little bit of heartburn, which made me wonder if he had a full head of hair. He loved music, especially when his daddy sang. We would be in the car and sing to the radio or at church, and he would kick. He ALWAYS kicked to "10 Thousand Reasons" and "It Is Well With My Soul". We thought he would be a dancer like his daddy. I bet, even though my little Valentine is in Heaven, he is dancing and singing to entertain the other angels just like his daddy does down here! He grew so big I had to start wearing Andrew's scrubs. None of my large or extra large maternity clothes were fitting! And shoes, well I had one pair of tennis shoes that fit!
Riley, you will always be my baby, and you will always be my Valentine, even if you are not physically here to kiss all over you and dress you up with the most masculine hearts I could find.
Some very dear old friends mailed me a charming silver necklace with a heart that says "Riley," which I received yesterday. I immediately put it on and today it reminds me that my Valentine Riley has my heart and he lives in mine!
Finally, my third Valentine is my handsome, incredible, and talented husband. Andrew and I will have been married 2 years this coming July. When I first met Andrew, I knew there was something about him, but I could not put my finger on it. I was trying so hard to be finished with dating, and he had this pull toward him, making me want to talk to him and see him again. I found him attractive and fascinating but at the same time, peculiar. I mean, come on, what guy opens doors and pulls out chairs for women! My amazing husband, that's who! I remember Diana, the women who set us up, telling me that if I could not make up my mind about Andrew, then she was going to introduce him to someone else. I called my dad, crying, and my dad, who had not met Andrew at that point, told me that if I did not really try dating him that I would make the biggest mistake of my life. From that point on, I put my whole heart into dating Andrew. It was not long after that I realized how hard I had fallen for him. I told him that if he did not propose by New Years, then I was going to propose to him. He surprised me with the most beautiful proposal on December 23rd, 2010. I will save that story for another blog...maybe our anniversary. We married on July 2, 2011 in Greenwood, IN. We moved a couple days after our honeymoon and started working. Our first year was stressful, we had lots of ups and lots of downs. By the end of our first year, we had already started having a stronger bond. We knew we both loved each other, we knew marriage would not be easy, and we knew we needed to really focus and do better about making God the center of our marriage. And that is what we did. I thank God every day for Andrew. He is my soulmate, and he is my earthly rock. I love him with all of my heart, and although we are currently going through one of life's more difficult trials, I can honestly say there is no one I would rather have by my side. He helps remind me of God's strength during my weakest moments. I am so proud of him and the man he has become! We faced a lot of trials early on in our marriage that we realized now helped bring us closer together and closer to God so that when we lost our son, we could hold each other up and remember that we are on a team TOGETHER. After all, we now know that we can make handsome children!
Andrew, I love you more each day! Congratulations on opening Williamson Pediatric Dentistry! It is a blessing to see you do what you love to do every day! I look forward to many more Valentine's with you by my side!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Week 2
Today is the 12th day since we learned that our son no longer had a heartbeat and the 11th day since I experienced the miracle of childbirth. Today has been one of the more difficult days for me. Today I struggle with sadness, anger, and fear. Today I was blessed with seeing a beautiful 6 month old baby boy, with red hair, who recentlly had open heart surgery. The tears immediately began to flow. "That should be us in 6 months" was my initial thought.
Many who read my blog know our story, many know only a part, and many have been in our shoes. Let me tell you why I am writing "Remembering Riley" by first starting with where our doctor visits became more frequent.
At our 20 week ultrasound, our Riley began showing us the stubborness he received from both my husband and I. He would not show his face. That led to our OB asking for a limited ultrasound at our 24 week checkup just for a quick look at his face. My husband is a Pediatric Dentist. He was able to see tooth buds, but wanted to look for cleft lip and palate. Between his curiosity and the OB's desire to make sure everything was well, we agreed.
During our 24 week limited ultrasound we experienced a variety of emotions. We did not have maternity insurance so we were cash paying patients. Upon hearing this, our ultrasound tech was a little rougher with her words and her assumptions toward us....at least that is how we felt. She questioned my nutrition and told me I was not drinking enough water. We assured her that I was, and on that particular day I could only have my glucose test drink. We also explained that at my 20 week ultrasound I was told it was not necessary for me to have my bladder so full for the next ultrasound. By the end of the appointment the tech explained that she had "bought" us a trip to Nashville for an expensive ultrasound because she could only detect a 2-vessel umbilical cord and normally there are 3. We were not too worried because there was not a rush for us to see a Maternal Fetal Medical Specialist. And, Riley still didn't show us his face!
We scheduled an appointment in Nashville for more of a "high risk" ultrasound around 27 weeks. We learned there that there may be a 3-vessel cord, but with our stubborn Riley, it was hard to tell. We also learned that he had a VSD (hole in his heart), that could be normal, but they wanted to see us again in a couple weeks to be sure.
When we returned we were informed that they were having a difficult time locating the right cardiac output of Riley's heart and we would need to see a Pediatric Cardiologist. After that news, our prayers increased, but we never gave up hope.
It was at our first appoinment with the cardiologist when we learned that Riley did have a large, malaligned VSD that could be repaired with surgery probably 3-6 months after birth. Because Riley was still growing, the cardiologist wanted to see us at 36 weeks.
From that point on I was seen once a week by our OB and once a week by the Maternal Fetal Specialists for ultrasounds. Riley never showed his face during any of them! Riley was growing well, despite his 2-vessel umbilical cord.
At our 36 week appointment with our cardiologist, we learned that Riley's heart was not quite growing the way we had hoped, but it could be repaired with surgery. His pulmonary artery was not growing as well as his aorta. Our plan was to deliver at Vanderbilt with normal delivery, and Riley would be monitored closely after birth, including taking him to NICU for ultrasounds to make sure he could survive well on his own. We were prepared for surgery right away or months after birth. I was nervous because I wanted to hold my son and be with my son as much as possible after delivery. We prayed daily and enlisted friends and family to help pray with us.
God has a way of helping us prepare for things in our life without knowing it. Andrew and I discussed what we would do about life insurance for Riley. We talked about if we would have him cremated or buried, of course our thought was if something happened AFTER surgery. We thought we would hear him cry and watch his arms and feet move in our arms. We NEVER thought about the possibility of him not making it that far.
It was at our 37 week check-up where we learned his little heart had quit beating. It was at our 37 week check-up where our "expecting" a baby whose diapers we would change, whose cries would keep us up at night, whose little heart we prayed would be fixed with surgery when our "expecting" turned into planning to deliver our baby who was already with Jesus, planning his memorial service, and planning to learn to live in a home we had prepared for our beautiful angel.
I can honestly say that giving birth to my son is an experience I will never forget and one I know that Jesus held my hand through. I never felt any pain, at least physical. It happened so fast and yet it felt like it lasted forever in the sense that I never wanted it to end. I asked for my son to be skin to skin with me right away. Even though his spirit was not there, I needed to see and feel his body. I yearned to finally see the face of the boy that had been dancing, flipping, and hiccuping inside of me for 9 months.
Today is just one of many I am sure I will be filled with the same emotions. I am learning to take each day moment by moment. And even when I want to keep my mourning private, I feel a desire to share my thoughts and feelings along the way. It is only by the grace of God that I have peace most of the time and because he has a purpose for me greater than this. God is so big! We forget how big he is but, because of our son, our precious Riley, we are learning more about God, more about our purpose, and more about clinging to each other in our marriage during our tragic time.
I am so grateful that God chose Andrew to be my husband. Grateful that God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy, even if he cannot live with us. And grateful for what he is showing and telling us during this time in our lives.
Sometimes I do my best healing with music. As I finish this, my first blog entry, the song playing on KLove is "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory and I thank God for helping give me the peace and comfort I crave at this moment. The lyrics are posted below:
This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through
(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up
These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing
Many who read my blog know our story, many know only a part, and many have been in our shoes. Let me tell you why I am writing "Remembering Riley" by first starting with where our doctor visits became more frequent.
At our 20 week ultrasound, our Riley began showing us the stubborness he received from both my husband and I. He would not show his face. That led to our OB asking for a limited ultrasound at our 24 week checkup just for a quick look at his face. My husband is a Pediatric Dentist. He was able to see tooth buds, but wanted to look for cleft lip and palate. Between his curiosity and the OB's desire to make sure everything was well, we agreed.
During our 24 week limited ultrasound we experienced a variety of emotions. We did not have maternity insurance so we were cash paying patients. Upon hearing this, our ultrasound tech was a little rougher with her words and her assumptions toward us....at least that is how we felt. She questioned my nutrition and told me I was not drinking enough water. We assured her that I was, and on that particular day I could only have my glucose test drink. We also explained that at my 20 week ultrasound I was told it was not necessary for me to have my bladder so full for the next ultrasound. By the end of the appointment the tech explained that she had "bought" us a trip to Nashville for an expensive ultrasound because she could only detect a 2-vessel umbilical cord and normally there are 3. We were not too worried because there was not a rush for us to see a Maternal Fetal Medical Specialist. And, Riley still didn't show us his face!
We scheduled an appointment in Nashville for more of a "high risk" ultrasound around 27 weeks. We learned there that there may be a 3-vessel cord, but with our stubborn Riley, it was hard to tell. We also learned that he had a VSD (hole in his heart), that could be normal, but they wanted to see us again in a couple weeks to be sure.
When we returned we were informed that they were having a difficult time locating the right cardiac output of Riley's heart and we would need to see a Pediatric Cardiologist. After that news, our prayers increased, but we never gave up hope.
It was at our first appoinment with the cardiologist when we learned that Riley did have a large, malaligned VSD that could be repaired with surgery probably 3-6 months after birth. Because Riley was still growing, the cardiologist wanted to see us at 36 weeks.
From that point on I was seen once a week by our OB and once a week by the Maternal Fetal Specialists for ultrasounds. Riley never showed his face during any of them! Riley was growing well, despite his 2-vessel umbilical cord.
At our 36 week appointment with our cardiologist, we learned that Riley's heart was not quite growing the way we had hoped, but it could be repaired with surgery. His pulmonary artery was not growing as well as his aorta. Our plan was to deliver at Vanderbilt with normal delivery, and Riley would be monitored closely after birth, including taking him to NICU for ultrasounds to make sure he could survive well on his own. We were prepared for surgery right away or months after birth. I was nervous because I wanted to hold my son and be with my son as much as possible after delivery. We prayed daily and enlisted friends and family to help pray with us.
God has a way of helping us prepare for things in our life without knowing it. Andrew and I discussed what we would do about life insurance for Riley. We talked about if we would have him cremated or buried, of course our thought was if something happened AFTER surgery. We thought we would hear him cry and watch his arms and feet move in our arms. We NEVER thought about the possibility of him not making it that far.
It was at our 37 week check-up where we learned his little heart had quit beating. It was at our 37 week check-up where our "expecting" a baby whose diapers we would change, whose cries would keep us up at night, whose little heart we prayed would be fixed with surgery when our "expecting" turned into planning to deliver our baby who was already with Jesus, planning his memorial service, and planning to learn to live in a home we had prepared for our beautiful angel.
I can honestly say that giving birth to my son is an experience I will never forget and one I know that Jesus held my hand through. I never felt any pain, at least physical. It happened so fast and yet it felt like it lasted forever in the sense that I never wanted it to end. I asked for my son to be skin to skin with me right away. Even though his spirit was not there, I needed to see and feel his body. I yearned to finally see the face of the boy that had been dancing, flipping, and hiccuping inside of me for 9 months.
Today is just one of many I am sure I will be filled with the same emotions. I am learning to take each day moment by moment. And even when I want to keep my mourning private, I feel a desire to share my thoughts and feelings along the way. It is only by the grace of God that I have peace most of the time and because he has a purpose for me greater than this. God is so big! We forget how big he is but, because of our son, our precious Riley, we are learning more about God, more about our purpose, and more about clinging to each other in our marriage during our tragic time.
I am so grateful that God chose Andrew to be my husband. Grateful that God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy, even if he cannot live with us. And grateful for what he is showing and telling us during this time in our lives.
Sometimes I do my best healing with music. As I finish this, my first blog entry, the song playing on KLove is "Don't Give Up" by Calling Glory and I thank God for helping give me the peace and comfort I crave at this moment. The lyrics are posted below:
This time your heart said it's had enough
Sick and tired of everything that's so messed up
You don't wanna move on just playing games
Praying hard somehow that your life will change
When you feel like you don't know what to do
Stuck inside this maze you can't go through
(Chorus)
Don't give up
Help is surely on its way
And don't give up
And the dark is breaking in today
And just keep on moving through these storms
And soon enough you'll find the door
Just don't give up
Oh, and don't give up
These walls around you are caving in
And your life seems like it is wearing thin
And your hope is drowning in despair
It looks like you're not going anywhere
Step inside this heart and then you'll see
Such a love that is so amazing
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)