A Timely Devotional

     This morning, not like any other morning lately, I woke up at 5:15am.  I was wide awake, I laid in bed talking to God thinking I may fall asleep again.  No such luck.  Therefore at 5:40am I decided to get up, read my devotional, and get ready for work.
     Some days I read my devotional and think, "Well put".  Other days I read it and feel as though God is speaking directly to me.  Today was a day of God talking to me directly.  Often after I read I think about how God wants me to spend more time talking to him.  I know I should have quiet time in the morning to talk to God.  I know I should praise God before every meal and talk to him before I go to sleep.  Most days I feel like I talk to him all day long.  Alright, so I have the talking part down.  It is the listening that I struggle with.  And the talking to him in front of people.  I have never been comfortable praying in front of others.  That is one weakness I want to make strong.  I want to teach our children to pray out loud.  I want to teach them to pray constantly, to listen constantly, and to thank God constantly for all he gives us, whether it is what we wanted or not.
   We learned at our OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist appointments yesterday that we will be induced between 37-38 weeks.  That is just 4-5 weeks from now.  We have briefly discussed it, but now it is the actual plan.  Am I ready?  Are we ready?  I do what I shouldn't and look to google to tell me about inductions.  I then panic over reading something about 50% of inductions end in c-section, and mostly emergency c-sections.  I read about how we should not induce children and all the other negative discussions I could possibly read to put myself into a panic.
     Why do we tend to use the Internet and social media as our way of imagining how things should be instead of praying to God and taking the time to listen to how it will be?  When we take the time and wait for His answers, it is much more peaceful than the immediate responses online.  I have an image burned in my mind from a picture of my maternal grandmother on her knees beside a bed with a bible in front of her.  She was a true prayer warrior.  She was not afraid to ask God for help and let others know she did so.  I want to be like that.  Google is an addiction I will need to break.  Praying on my knees and constantly with my bible is a habit I need to grasp with all my strength.
     Today, I listened to God through my devotional.  After Riley, we were given "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  Today's devotional reads:

     "I am preparing you for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend.  Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you.  The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me.  So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford.  As a result, they live and work in their own strength--until that becomes depleted.  Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.
     How much better is it to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation..  If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more.  Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age.  Some people may deep you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness.  Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world."

     Wow!  What powerful words!  He is preparing me for the birth of our second son.  I don't need google or the words/advice of others.  I just need Him.  I need to spend more time listening, rather than talking, and allow the peace from His strength to hold me up as we count down the next 4-5 weeks.  All this time that I am on modified bed rest and my activities are limited, I need to put down the laptop and pick up my bible.  I cannot think of a better way to teach my son about God's presence and love than spending time with Him as I feel my son kick and wiggle and grow as we prepare for his birth.

     How often are you still and listen?  Are you like me and talk but allow yourself to be too busy to focus on what He is saying?

First Christmas Without Riley

Merry Christmas!

Here we are, Andrew and Angie.  We have been married for two and a half years.  We are the proud parents of two beautiful sons.  We all know that Christmas can get carried away and loose it's true meaning, especially when you are shopping and wrapping for your children.  What do we do to prepare for Christmas this year for our two boys?  Well, unlike many parents of two children, our first born is celebrating his first Christmas in Heaven, and our second son is dancing around in my uterus.  So, here we are, Andrew and Angie, and our dog Gunnar.
This year, we decided to stay home.  We discussed when we were first married, staying home on Christmas once we had children.  And, even though one son is in Heaven and the other is still in my womb, we decided to stay home as we originally planned.
It was a lovely Christmas, one filled with prayer and thankfulness for what God has blessed us with and for Jesus, whose birth we celebrate today.  It was a quiet Christmas.  Back during my darkest months, most of what took me into the dark and kept me there was all the thoughts of what I thought should have been.  Thoughts about what I should be doing with my son, whom I thought should be alive.  I did not want to spend Christmas thinking about what I would have bought him and who would have been holding him today.  I do not wish to think about what would be if he were here today.  For me, those are unhealthy thoughts.  God blessed us with a beautiful son.  God blessed us with taking him home with Him so that we did not witness him go through surgery and pain.  Our son did not suffer and for that I am grateful.  I did have to fight those feelings a few times, and I do on occasion avoid situations where I know I will lean toward those thoughts.  So today, I am grateful to be celebrating Christmas, the birth day of Jesus, in our home with my wonderful husband.
Therefore, while I do not wish to spend my days thinking about how old Riley would be or what we would be doing with him now, I still want to remember and honor him in every way that I can.  I want to start traditions that we can share with our next son when he is born, and all the other children that God chooses to bless us with.
We had a stocking made for Riley that we will hang up each Christmas.  We bought an ornament for him this year.  I will admit, as much as I am ashamed to, that I forgot to get a gift from the Angel tree for another child in need in the time I should have.  I will be better about getting a child a gift next year.
And, we donated a chemo duck from Gabe's Chemo Duck program in memory of Riley.  This year, we also donated a duck in honor of "Waitforit".
Gunnar, like normal, was spoiled with new toys and treats.  We were excited to watch him open and play with his new toys.

Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or another age, will have different ways that they grieve.  They will have different ways that they honor and remember.  There is no right or wrong way, we just need to remember to respect what they choose.

I can feel the "Momma bear" coming out in me when I defend why we are doing what we have decided for Christmas, as well as his Angelversary.  Riley was born into Heaven on February 1, 2013 and that day will always be known to me as his Angelversary, not his birthday.  I am not sure what we will do to celebrate the day yet.  We have a few ideas, but it also depends on when "Waitforit" is born.

Today, I took a long bath and listened to my friend, Maribeth Johnson's new CD, Break Through.  On the CD is the song "Christmas In Heaven".  Her husband wrote the song and she sings it.  If you have a moment, I encourage you to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw

Thank you Maribeth for singing this beautiful song and sharing it with all of us!
Thank you Andrew for being my encouragement through my dark and stressful days.  Thank you for supporting what I need to grieve and remember and for wishing to do the same!
Thank you God for my beautiful son Riley and all the blessings you have given us through his short life on earth!

Merry Christmas Riley!  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!!!

Excitement

     Lately I have been feeling more excited about this pregnancy.  I am partly excited to be nearing the end because I feel like I have been pregnant forever, and in reality I have been pregnant since May 2012 with only 3 1/2 months in between of not being pregnant.  But I am also partly excited because I have dreamed of being a mother for so long.  The mother role I currently have is one I never imagined, and one I would do over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same.
     I know I am a mother, but to bring a child home to nurse, to snuggle, to read to, to change diapers, to hold his warm, breathing body in my arms....well that is a dream I look forward to having as my reality.  As I type this I am weeping over the memory of Riley.  I am weeping over the short time I had to hold him.  I am weeping because his precious body was so cold.  I remember kissing his nose and it was cold to my lips.  I remember examining his body.  I was celebrating his life, celebrating the fight he had for 37 weeks to live.  I was mourning our loss.  I was praising God for our gift.  I was praying for peace and understanding that by only God's favor did I have at that time.  One of our maternal fetal specialists even mentioned how she could not believe how calm I was with Riley and how I allowed them to perform an amniocentesis on me after we knew he was no longer alive.  I was only able to be that calm because I could feel God's presence.  It was and is an incredible feeling.  I knew I was not alone then and I am not alone now.
     Some of my excitement also stems from this time of year.  I love this time of year.  I miss the days when I had income and could do lots of Christmas shopping, but I am learning to love the true meaning of Christmas when you live on such a tight budget and you start to see the meaning of family in another light.  It was this time of year that my husband proposed.  It was this time of year that we adopted Gunnar, our dog.  It was this time of year when we saw Riley more often, and watched him move in the ultrasounds.  It is this time of the year that we prepare our home for our next son.
     I have been blessed to see friends photos recently of them in the hospital with their new child.  I have been checking in on a few other friends who are pregnant now to see how they are doing.  For most of them everything is well.  For others they are either pregnant with their rainbow baby and experiencing normal nervousness, or they have received news that makes them worry until their child is born.  For those I ask you to pray with me.  Pray for peace as they have tough weeks ahead of them.
     When I see the photos of new babies my heart aches in anticipation for this son to arrive.  I do not want him to come too early, but we are ready to bring him home.  We are ready to selfishly snuggle this son and spend alone time with him.  We are ready to post pictures of him on facebook and share the news of his healthy arrival with all our family and friends.  I am not necessarily a patient person, so this last stretch of my pregnancy has me on the edge of my seat.  I am also a planner, so not knowing when is making me nervous.  Will he come before 36 weeks?  Will he surprise us and make it past 40 weeks?  Will they let me go past 37 weeks?  Will my nerves let me remain calm past 37 weeks?  Will he come before 2013 is over?
     I am so excited to deliver this son.  I pray I can have another vaginal delivery, no matter what his size, especially because he is measuring on the bigger side.  Many women who have a vaginal delivery for their first child experience a child who is moving and crying as they deliver.  If I had a cesarean with Riley, I would not be so concerned, but I delivered, I pushed Riley's body by vaginal delivery.  I would like to experience tears of joy not of mourning as I deliver this child in the same way.  I do not know what it is like to leave the hospital with a child.  I do not know what it is like to breast feed.  I do not know what it is like to hold your child skin to skin and have warm bodies touching.  I am excited, I am scared, and I am grateful to God for the opportunity if it is his will.  I am also grateful to God for the opportunity to carry and feel this son inside of me just like Riley if his will is anything other than my desire.
     We are blessed to get pregnant again.  We are blessed to get pregnant again so soon after delivering Riley.  I am trying, but not very hard to trust God's timing in this.  With Riley, the day of our 37 week check up, most of the next day's patients had called the office to change their appointment for one reason or another.  I was stressed over how to fill the day when we would be at doctor appointments and not have the schedule handy.  Little did I know, we needed Friday off to deliver Riley.  I am sure God will handle our schedule in a similar matter.  I just hope I do not read into it too much if the upcoming schedule were to change, but it was not time to deliver this son.
     I had hoped to set up the nursery again with Andrew over Thanksgiving, but when you own a business, that takes priority when there are things to do.  And, to be honest, I am not sure that I am quite ready yet.  Although the thought of being 30 weeks, meaning I have only about 10 weeks left, and 6 weeks if I do not make it past 36...even less if I do not make it to then...wow!  OVERWHELMED!  I will work on the nursery with Andrew soon.  I feel it is important to set it up again together to remember Riley and prepare for this son.  We bought a lot of things thinking they would go to Riley, but he never came home with us, so we have agreed that this son can have them.  I washed a load of baby clothes the other night that we have received and purchased since we found out we were pregnant again.  Last night, when I was putting them away, Andrew joined me in the nursery.  It was difficult to be in there, but we agreed that we wouldn't change anything.  We had planned on bringing Riley home to that room, but he never came home.  This child will grow up knowing all about Riley, so there is no reason to change anything like he had come home, or like we had not planned or prepared for him.
     I know this delivery will be very emotional.  It will be very emotional to come home with this son.  I am glad we will keep it mostly private, as husband and wife, to share in the experience together.  After all, we made our boys in private, why shouldn't we be able to greet and spend most of their first hours with them in the same way?
     I am grateful for Andrew who understands me, supports me, and agrees with me.  I am grateful he asked me to marry him, even if I said 'yes' before he could ask the question!  He is my best friend and I am excited to be carrying his son and welcome him into the world together!  I hope this son looks just like him as Riley did!  I am excited to be on this journey with him and I look forward to the weeks ahead as only God knows when this son will be born.  I am excited!!!

SELFISH ANXIETY

     As the holidays approach, I think more and more about what we did for the holidays last year, as well as how Andrew and I decided to stay home for the holidays this year.  When we were first married, we talked about staying home on Thanksgiving and Christmas when we had children, to form our own family traditions.  We decided we would travel to visit family before or after the holidays.  Two things changed those thoughts and discussions a little.
     First, we opened a pediatric dental practice.  With pediatric patients, we are the busiest when the kids are not in school....holiday breaks, summer breaks, spring and fall breaks.  Therefore, having hours of availability became important for us for our patients, limiting the times we can travel to visit family.  
     Second, we had our first child, our son Riley.  Even though Riley does not live with us on Earth, he was still our first child and we decided to start our family traditions this year as we had planned.  For Christmas this year we are having a stocking made for Riley.  Every year we will put a contribution in the stocking for a charity in memory of Riley.  When our other children are old enough, they will help decide what organization will receive that check.  We are also going to purchase a gift for a child off the Angel Tree in town in memory of Riley.  Our first contribution in memory of Riley this Christmas season was putting an Operation Christmas Child box together with things we would have given Riley.
     Last year, especially after Thanksgiving, my ankles, fingers, and face were swollen.  I was miserable and uncomfortable.  I usually didn't mention it because I was blessed to be carrying Riley and we were planning his surgery and planning for him to come home.  We were walking beside our friends who were also pregnant, but planning to say goodbye before their son would even be born.  Complaining about how I felt didn't feel right.  By Christmas Eve, my blood pressure was high and I didn't want to move off the couch.  I went to Christmas Eve Service and sat most of the time, uncomfortable with my feet propped on my grandmother-in-law's walker.  After we lost Riley, when the enemy spoke deep into my thoughts, he told me how I should not have done things I did with my blood pressure high.  Even though I know that is not what caused Riley's death, I still cannot help but think about what I can do to be a better mom to this son.
     Therefore, when I am uncomfortable, I am staying home!  I have already put myself on modified bed rest, which I do believe is some of what has helped keep my swelling and blood pressure down this time.  Even if that is not the reason, it helps ease my mind at the moment.  I have experience more Braxton Hicks this time and do not want to push my limits.  I know I am being selfish, and that if the doctors are telling me so far everything looks good, than I probably do not need to be as cautious as I am.  But, if the doctors can follow their protocol and follow me more closely due to our history, even though everything looks great, than I can also start my own protocol and be more cautious of what I do.
     I do feel a little out of place complaining about how I feel and how uncomfortable I am.  I know that many of us who have experienced a loss or have had an unpleasant pregnancy get irritated when we hear how easy another has had it.  We also do not like to hear of someone just feeling the "normal" uncomfortable parts of pregnancy when they have never felt the uncomfortable pregnancy loss.  However, I will never have a normal pregnancy, and every uncomfortable feeling to me is a thought to worry.  And when I worry I remember that God has this pregnancy and does not want me to worry, so then I have moments of peace.  But soon, I worry again and the cycle continues.  Some days it is easier to let go and others it is easier to take it back.  I am not perfect, but I am grateful for every one's thoughts and prayers, and for our Pastor Andy's sermons.  I remember one recently in which he talked about getting overwhelmed.  After that sermon I was more at peace and relaxed than I had been in awhile, unfortunately, it only lasted about 2 weeks.  I pray often for peace and I receive God's favor when I ask to feel our baby boy kick, and then he moves or kicks.  I can also feel God smiling on me as he knows that I will ask again all too soon as I am still the learning, silly child of his who is blessed to be chosen to carry one of his children that he chose for us to be earthly parents to.
     In my "Jesus Calling" devotional, today's devotional read, "To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely.  A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians.  They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts.  Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds.  How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times.  They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them.  Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast Companion."
     I am reminded how thankful I am for Riley, and how I would do it all over again even if I knew the outcome.  I am thankful to be pregnant with this son, and I am thankful for all the aches, pains, weight gain, and swelling that may come with it.  I know that God has this, and He knows I will probably still worry because our loss of Riley does make me a little timid.  He knows that I will seek Him everyday and every step of this pregnancy and beyond.  I am thankful that He is a forgiving God and that He loves me despite all my faults and worries.
     So yes, if you were wondering, this year I am going to be a little selfish and stay home for the holidays to ease my mind and make myself feel a little more comfortable and a little more like a better mother because that is all I know as a mother.  However, I am open to visitors over the holidays!  I am just not going to sit in a car, travel, stand, and not have access to my own bed, maternity pillow, and private bathroom.  And I am thankful that God gave me Andrew as my mate and he supports my selfish need at this time and helps take such great care of me!  I am also grateful that Andrew is my best friend,  my prayer warrior and helps me stay more positive about the outcome of this pregnancy!

OCTOBER - National Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is a National Month for many things.  October is mostly known for Breast Cancer Awareness.  However, this month is now even more special to me due to it being Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
During the month of October of 1998 President Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Not many people know that President Reagan also lost a child.  His child lived for one day.  Maybe this is why his proclamation is so touching to me, not for my own loss or the losses my friends and loved ones have endured, but because he also experienced a loss.  It means a lot to me to have someone make a proclamation for something in which he or she knows what others have felt and experienced.  He was not one who said "I know how you feel" only to never have felt it...he felt it!
Many people never share the story of their loss.  Many people grieve in silence.  Everyone does not grieve in the same way.  For me, I have learned that many who have grieved before me, who grieved in silence, wish they had not.  Maybe the world is changing and people are discovering they do not have to be quiet or pretend to be alright any longer.  A dear friend sent me this quote she read somewhere, "I will stop grieving when I stop breathing".  I cannot tell you how true and honest that quote is.
I am not going to grieve in silence, however, I am not going to let my grief overcome me.  I am going to celebrate the life that was.  I am going to celebrate and talk about Riley when opportunities arise.  I am already thinking about all the different ways this child in my womb will learn about his or her big brother!  I am currently reading Angie Smith's book, "Mended".  Angie talked about her precious Audrey and how she wanted Audrey to have "weight".  I want Riley to have weight.  My father spoke at Riley's memorial about how we all have a purpose from God.  He said at the end that Riley fulfilled his purpose.  That he had a job well done.  I am learning however, that Riley still continues to work even though he resides in Heaven!
I ask this month that you not only make sure you have had your mammograms and check your breasts for lumps.  I ask this month that you not only pray for those who have fought or are fighting the battle of breast cancer.  But I ask that you also pray for those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss.  Pray for those who you may not know have had miscarriages.  Pray for those who are suffering in silence.  Pray for those who are in the dark and suffering in public from their loss.  I have been in the dark.  It is a scary place.  I thank God for not leaving me and helping me to find the light again.  I thank God for those who never left my side during that time and for those who prayed harder for me than they may have prayed in their entire lives.
Even more important this month to me, may be the date of October 15th.  A wonderful women named Robyn Bear founded www.october15th.com.  She also helped recognize October 15th as a National Day to remember our lost babies.  On this day, please turn your car lights on as you drive around.  On this day, at 7pm, no matter what time zone you are in, please light a candle and let it burn for at least 1 hour.  If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and allows it to burn for 1 hour, then we will have a "continuous wave of light" all over the world on October 15th in Remembrance of our lost babies.  You should check out Robyn's website and look for local walks and activities.  I have been blessed to help plan a local event in our area on October 15th.
I like to think this month our babies are dancing in heaven as more people become aware of how many pregnancy and infant losses occur around them.  Our babies are just as anxious to hug us as we are to hug them!  But Praise God that my Riley is in the safest place He can be and it He is one of my children I will not worry about daily.  How blessed am I to have my son be with Our Father!

Hypersensitivity - Pregnancy after a Loss

When I became pregnant with Riley,  I spoke to my OB's office and told them my over-the-counter pregnancy test was positive, they told me to celebrate.  I was given the option of coming in for a blood test, but told that the over-the-counter tests were fairly accurate.  I took 2 more tests within the next couple days that were also positive.
When I became pregnant with this baby, I was asked what test I took, and scheduled for a blood test, not given the option.  Below is what we have experienced so far during this pregnancy, minus the normal fears and worries of every ache, pain, and day of feeling 100%:

4 weeks pregnant:   Found out pregnant 6/8/13
                               Called OB office first thing Monday morning
                               Monday pm had blood drawn
                               Tuesday, received results and scheduled ultrasound for Wednesday
                               Wednesday had ultrasound showing yolk sac and more blood work
                               Thursday, received results of blood work, hCG doubled in 48 hours
6 weeks pregnant:   Ultrasound that shows fetus, fetal pole and heartbeat
7 weeks pregnant:   Visit OB office, draw blood.  We are told my progesterone levels are good, but if I        
                          start feeling well to call.  The worse I feel, the better for this baby.
9 weeks pregnant:    Use fetal monitor at home to hear heartbeat
10 weeks pregnant:  Visit OB office with ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat and discussed the future of
                          this pregnancy.  This day was filled with smiles and hugs from the staff.
                                Go back at 14 weeks for next check up.
                                Go to maternal fetal specialist at 21 weeks for gender ultrasound and to have a
                          thorough inspection of the ultrasound.
                                Depending on results of that ultrasound, is where we go after 21 weeks.
                                At 32 weeks I will be seen twice per week with 24 hour urine collection as needed
14 weeks pregnant:  Visit OB office.  Heard heartbeat.  Discussed travel with pregnancy, (lots of
                          breaks, lots of water).  Also lost a little weight, but not concerned yet.  While sitting and bending over to wrap our dog's paw, I felt a quick odd, slightly painful jab in my side, but have not felt anything else since.  I figured it was the baby not liking me in that position.
15 weeks pregnant:  I am starting to worry a little more, trying to remember to fully trust God.
I had a painful burning feeling just to the left and above my belly button with 3 red bumps one evening.  I put liquid benedryl on the spots and they were gone within an hour.  Burning sensation was gone after about 5 hours.  I am feeling our baby move as I type this, knowing God is trying to reassure me.  Also, staring to fear the ultrasound at 21 weeks because I am waiting to hear what is wrong, having a hard time believing all is good.
16 weeks pregnant:  A dear friend helped us try to find out our baby's sex before vacation.  We had a leg crosser!  However, we took a guess and decided to wait until our ultrasound at the maternal fetal medicine clinic to learn if our guess was correct.
18 weeks pregnant:  My blood pressure was high at this visit.  I had also lost more weight.  Now I am starting to get concerned!  I had to lay in a reclining chair and let them take my blood pressure again before I left the office.  Then Andrew had to monitor it and I am supposed to call next week to let them know my readings.
                         We checked my blood pressure and it fluctuated.  However, I was away from Andrew for the weekend on a women's retreat and using a digital monitor.  I called my doctor on Wednesday, and they asked me to come in for a quick check the next day.
19 weeks pregnant:  My blood pressure was more normal and I had finally gained 1 pound!!!
20-22 weeks pregnant:  So the ultrasounds are reading with an earlier due date than the calculations!  Our doctor told us that we would finalize a due date based off both calculations from my LMP and ultrasounds at our next visit in 3 weeks.  We learned the sex of the baby, but have decided to have a gender reveal of some sort before we make our announcement.  The baby was semi-cooperative, however, so far things look good.  This child has a 3-vessel umbilical cord and does not currently show any markers of anything that should suggest we have chromosome testing for this child at this time.  We learned after Riley that Andrew and I are not carriers, that Riley's chromosome abnormality was a fluke mutation.  Our beautiful baby boy was special and one of a kind to us for sure!  But, due to the baby not getting into the positions the doctor wanted to see certain things, we are going to go back in 3 weeks for another scan and compare the two scans.
                         My blood pressure was high at this visit, but we think it was due to the nerves of the appointment since this was our first visit to the maternal fetal specialist with this baby.  The smells of the ultrasound jelly are starting to flood my mind with memories of our sweet Riley.
22 weeks pregnant:  Blood pressure has finally started to stay in the normal range.  Our doctor said this is about the time in pregnancy when blood pressure stays low or lowers, so we will still watch it.  I was nervous for this visit.  Last week a good friend delivered her son sleeping at 21 weeks.  Over the weekend I had terrible pains that suddenly hit me.  We decided I was either constipated or dehydrated.  After some rest, water, and stool softeners I felt much better.  I was thinking about asking for anxiety medication at this appointment, but God clearly spoke to me and reminded me that he is the only anxiety medication I need at this time.  I need to keep letting go and letting God!
23 weeks pregnant:  Gender Reveal!  Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZga0p7lFFg to find out what we are having!
24 weeks pregnant:  Saw the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  Things look great!  Our doctor compared today's ultrasound with the one taken 3 weeks ago.  She also compared it to Riley's scans.  Everything looks good and the baby cooperated so they were able to see all the views they wanted to see.  We return to this office in a few weeks.  I will be monitored closely, which is alright with me!  We are going to stick with the February 13 due date at this time.  I was filled with much more peace after this.  I think it also helped that this past week I was able to honor and remember Riley in two different events!
25 weeks pregnant:  Had some contractions and an uneasy feeling.  Called my nurse who told us to check into the hospital to be monitored.  We learned that everything is fine, although I am at a higher risk for pre-term labor due to being pregnant so soon after our loss.  We also learned that there had been an intestinal bug going around causing many other pregnant women having the same symptoms to check into hospitals.  My symptoms included loose stools, lack of appetite, uneasy feeling, and contractions.  Of course I was stubborn, and waited to call the nurse when I was feeling a little better, but still uneasy.  I had been having bad cramps and back pains that put my in the bed in the fetal position, or at least as close to the fetal position as I could get since my son is growing so much my belly was in the way.  We saw our maternal fetal specialist this week and had a quick ultrasound.  We were assured everything was looking well and our son is growing like a weed.  In fact, he is in the 98% for growth!
26 weeks pregnant:  Had my regular visit with my OB.  Blood pressure was normal.  Heart beat was 143 for baby, but I had just drank the glucola for my test.  I was also told that the tech at the hospital the week prior had noted fluid around our son's heart.  However, because the maternal fetal specialist didn't note anything, she wasn't concerned.  I was not convinced, so I call our maternal fetal specialist who assured me that a little fluid was normal and it could have been the angle of the ultrasound, especially since they were focusing on my cervical length at the hospital, not our baby's heart.  She said that I could come in for a scan earlier than my next visit, but I felt better after talk to her and I am trusting God with his plan for our son.  I had some peace after that phone call.
I never heard from my OB's office so I must have passed the glucola test.  She did tell me they were worried about my weight gain because now I had gained too much since my last visit, but it is difficult to tell if I am making up for what I lost earlier in the pregnancy or not.  She told me in about 5 weeks I am going to be seen twice per week.
To ease my nerves as of late, and with the agreement of my wonderful husband, we have decided to put me on a modified bed rest plan and take it a little easier than we currently have been.
28 weeks pregnant:  Had my regular visit with my OB and another visit with the Maternal Fetal Specialists.  My blood pressure is great, heart beat is good, and we did not discuss my weight.  However, our son weighs 3lbs and 10oz!  Big Boy!  He also showed us how he is practicing his breathing 2 weeks ahead of schedule!
                           Starting the week of December 19th I will be seen twice a week for biophysical profiling.  On Mondays and Thursdays I will be monitored.
                          I was given a jug for a 24 hour urine test.  This is a difficult test, mostly because you have to schedule your life around peeking in a pan to pour into a jug and refrigerate between bathroom runs.  When I turned the jug into the lab, I did not have any orders to go with it.  Because I took the jug in over my lunch break, the lab technician was also on her lunch break.  Apparently, a blood test usually goes along with this test, however, it was not mentioned to me and I did not have any papers to turn in.  The nice people at the lab found someone to draw my blood.  The man explained he was going to draw more than necessary just in case they needed to test for anything else once they figured out what all was to be tested.  The next day I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to have my blood drawn for testing.  When I explained that I had that done, they did some more research and called back to let me know that they found my blood samples.  I am grateful for the humor in the situation!  Just what I needed during my second pregnancy, which is proving to be just as nerve racking as the first!  Unfortunately, I will never know what a "normal" pregnancy is.
                         I am feeling him move, mostly at night, and especially when I am assisting Andrew.  Andrew said he is going to be a dentist because he moves when he hears the drills!  My comfort level is pushed to the limits.  My legs ache, my back aches, and my stomach is constantly tight.  I am having a lot of braxton hicks contractions, and I think I am feeling my stomach stretch constantly as our growing boy is outgrowing his space!  I had Andrew take a picture of me in the same outfit I wore to the hospital to deliver Riley.  I am less swollen, and my stomach is only a couple inches different from 28 weeks vs. 37 weeks!  It was interesting to see!

30 weeks pregnant:  We received my results from my 24hr urine & blood test.  My numbers are on the high side, but with their new guidelines, they are not going to worry unless my blood pressure rises or my swelling increases.  If either of those happen, I will probably do another test to decide what steps we should take.  My weight has stabilized, I have not had much swelling, and our son is very active & growing!  Our OB said today that she would not be surprised if he came early, but they would like me to get to at least 36 weeks.  It is almost unbelievable to think that from now until 10 weeks from now we will be welcoming our second child into the world, with the hope of keeping this one with us on earth.  Maybe I should pack the hospital bag, set up the nursery, and install the car seat.....!
31 weeks pregnant:  I began getting a sore throat one night.  I woke up feeling awful.  By the fourth day I called my OB's office and spoke to the doctor on call.  They recommended zyrtec and mucinex as well as using my neti pot.  After 3 more days, I called my OB office again.  This time my pain was worse and I was developing a sinus infection.  I was prescribed a z-pack.  I was nervous about the baby because I had not been eating much and I was not drinking as much water as I should have.  A day later I felt even worse.  I was dizzy, seeing floaters, and felt very weak.  I had also not felt the baby move much.  I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was high.  We called our maternal fetal specialist and then drove to their office to have an ultrasound.  Baby was great, and my fluid levels were good.  We believe I had a bad cold that developed into a sinus infection.  Because I had just started the z-pack, I was to take a prescription steroid if I was not feeling better by the end of the z-pack.  I felt so sick during that week that I did not sleep well at night and spent many nights watching TV, trying to fall asleep sitting up.
32 weeks pregnant:  I was feeling a little better.  My blood pressure is still higher than they like to see.  The baby is doing great and measuring 5lbs 13oz with bone length in the 35 week measurement!  We discussed a big baby and avoiding cesarean.  We also discussed my blood pressure and continued monitoring.  We discussed our loss of Riley at 37 weeks.  The end result of this appointment was basically:
1. If blood pressure stays up, then we will discuss medication and possible induction.
2. If baby continues to grow like he is, and because of our loss at 37 weeks, we have a case for induction around 36-37weeks.
We will do what we can to prevent cesarean.  After delivering Riley vaginally, it is important to me to deliver this son in the same way.  To push a child out of me that was not moving and did not make a sound is difficult, especially when it is your first child.  This time, I want to hear my child cry and feel him move.  I don't want to be numb from the waist down.  I want to get up and help bathe my son.
It is crazy to think that within the next 4 weeks we will more than likely be meeting our second son.  Especially when months ago we were discussing a February due date!
When people ask my now when my due date is, I usually respond with a chuckle and say, "Anywhere between now and 4 more weeks".  Sometimes I go into how I am technically due in February.  Most of the time I do not.
Between our doctors advising me to take it as easy as possible and my blood pressure fluctuating along with swelling, I am now on modified bed rest.  I am doing what I can to avoid complete bed rest.  I am praying for a healthy son to come within the next few weeks.  I am praying for a vaginal delivery.  I am praying for my blood pressure and swelling to stay down and not fluctuate.
33-35 weeks pregnant:  What a whirlwind the last couple weeks have been!  We have been busy working and preparing for my leave from the office.  Last week my blood pressure stayed slightly elevated and increased to some scary numbers a couple of times.  Sitting with my feet up was the only thing that helped it come down.  I was also spilling more protein.  And, at our last non-stress test we learned I was having contractions & didn't realize it.  I was about 50% effaced and no dilation at that point.  We will learn if that has changed this coming Thursday.  At last Thursday's appointment, the discussion of my blood pressure and urine were enough concern to have me admitted to the hospital for 24hr monitoring.  We also learned that depending on the results of monitoring would be whether or not I would need to be induced then, stay in the hospital for monitoring & bed rest, or go home to bed rest.  In the end, I am now home for bed rest until my next appointment.  I am not allowed to do laundry, cook, move around much, or leave the house.  Depending on the results from my vitals and the BPP at my next appointment is whether or not we are induced this weekend or another week of bed rest, hopefully at my home and not at the hospital.

36 weeks pregnant:  After a week of bed rest, I am still showing signs of elevated blood pressure and protein in my urine.  We have decided to induce me the following Tuesday (January 21, 2014).  I am 50% effaced and 2cm dilated.  Fortunately with Riley, the induction went well and quickly.  We are hoping for the same, although this son is bigger.  But, if God is with me, who can be against me?  5 days from now I will end my bed rest and check in to be induced to meet my second son, another gift from God!

The Meaning of Our Rose Tree

When we moved into our home there was a small tree in the front yard.  Every once in awhile, a part of the tree would bloom with beautiful white roses.  However, most of the tree does not turn green, does not have blooms, and makes the tree quite a sight in our front yard.  Andrew and I have discussed removing the tree.

We learned about a year ago that the tree was planted by the first home owners.  The tree was the wife's first Mother's Day gift.  We hated to just dispose of the tree since it had such a special meaning.  We put off deciding what to do with the tree.
Then, a few months ago, I looked at the tree and decided that by this fall or next spring when we re-do a lot of the landscaping the tree will go.  We offered it to the original homeowners if they want to dig it up and save it because of the meaning in the tree.  To me, it was just a tree that was half dead and half alive.

But wait!  A Mother's Day tree that is half dead and half alive?!  I found myself really studying the tree a few Sunday's back before we left for church.  I was suddenly filled with tears!  I can't get rid of this tree!  This tree is my life!  This tree represents what my motherhood status is at the current time.  What my motherhood status will be for the rest of my life!  Our son, our firstborn, is in Heaven.  Not with us on earth and we are heartbroken and missing him terribly.  Our second child is alive and growing inside of me.  The rose tree that is brown and lacks growth is the part of my being a mother that feels dead inside, the part of me that aches for my son.  However, the blooms, the green, that part of the tree represents the hope.  Our second child and our newest gift from God.  That growing part of the tree is also a reminder that while Riley is not living on earth, he is living.  While I may feel like a part of me has died, there is still a part of me alive.  And a part of Riley will always live in me.

If the first homeowner does want her tree back, I will happily give it to her.  However, if not, I am not sure when I will be ready to part with this tree.

I have thought of this tree a lot.  I have also thought about Heaven a lot lately.  When it is my turn to go home, it will not just be a reunion for loved ones who have gone before and my chance to meet our Father, it will be the first time I really get to meet our son.  The thought fills my eyes with tears and overjoys my soul.  Until then, I will live my life as I hope God desires and honor my husband, and our Riley.  I will also live to be a mother to this new child and all the other children God blesses us with.

Can you see the green and white rose blooms?
Can you see the dead, brown branches?

"The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."                                                     Romans 8:16-17

Counteracting Fear with Faith

Here we are, 11 weeks pregnant now, and learning to trust God more than we ever have before.  I know to some, that may be hard to believe.  After all, shouldn't our trust have been the strongest at the moment we learned our son had passed?  Shouldn't our moment of strong trust have been as we held a memorial service for our son.  No, we did trust, but not with the strength we are using today, and to be honest, I know more times will come that will require the courage to trust even more and let our faith outweigh our fear.  Times will come with the business, with our marriage, with our children, and even with our parents.  Trusting God is an everyday practice, that some days I am stronger in doing than others.  I posted my thoughts during my darkest months after our loss of Riley.  It was in those months that I was weak in my trusting, but I never gave up on God.  I may not have listened much when I prayed, but I did not stop talking to him, I just may have yelled more.  Today in our church service, we learned about counteracting our fear with our faith.  Are you counteracting your fear with your faith?

We shared our pregnancy with this rainbow baby so early mostly because we were counteracting our fear with our faith.  We didn't want to use excuses as to why I was gaining weight, or we avoided activities.  We did not believe we were jinxing ourselves, but rather trusting God with the outcome of this child by sharing our news.
With Riley, my belly started expanding early on.  I had not lost all of that pregnancy weight and knew that I would start showing soon.  I was also feeling nauseous and eating crackers in public or avoiding events.  Andrew and I are proud to be such a part of our community and blessed by so many dear friends, that we knew they would catch on to my sudden pregnancy-like behavior.  We also knew that so many people have been praying for us and asking what they could specifically pray for that we decided it was time to tell.  After all, if I miscarry this child or we have another loss, I know I would post about that experience, so why not share in the experience from the beginning.  It is a common practice for us to 'google' everything we want to know more of.  Some of what we read is truth and some is not.  But I 'googled' a lot while we were trying to conceive to learn how mothers felt during their pregnancy after a stillbirth....only to not find much.  Some mothers started blogging, but quit midway through their pregnancy.  Some just shared the news of a baby born alive.  But where is my guide for how I should feel?  Where is the mother who had a stillbirth while starting a business and conceiving after 4 months posts?  Maybe there are some posts out there that I could not find.  So, I decided that part of my honoring Riley, is to talk about how I feel during this pregnancy.  For other women to know that it is normal to be hypersensitive about everything.  To know it is normal to cry over the child you have lost as you try to care for the one you are now carrying.  It is time to quit 'googling' the Internet and start reading my bible more.  If ever there was a time for faith to counteract my fear, now is that time.

The day after we found out we were pregnant, I fell.  I landed mostly on my wrist but I came home sobbing and let my husband embrace me to assure the baby was fine.  Off and on have I felt like I am miscarrying.  No real spotting, just a fear that I have let overwhelm me at times.  I will turn the light on in the middle of the night to make sure there is no blood.  I have found myself in the throws of my own tears and fear, only to use the fetal monitor we purchased or have a doctors appointment remind me that this baby is alive.  My headaches are more intense with this pregnancy as well.  This is all very common for a pregnancy after a loss.  Some days I struggle to believe that we really are pregnant again.  Last night I experienced the most painful, stabbing cramps I have ever had.  I debated whether or not to go to the ER.  Luckily, after some Tylenol and prayers, I feel asleep to wake up feeling only slight cramps.  And then, a blessing from God, I felt the baby move.
As we sat in church today, I was reminded that I have not been letting my faith counteract my fear as much as I should.  As nervous as I will be during this pregnancy, God has not left me.  He has a plan for this child whether it be to take this baby home with him or to let us take this baby home with us.

Sometimes, music can calm my nerves and speak to me in ways that no other person can.  Today I kept thinking of a friend who stopped by the office when I was in my dark months to remind me to get out of the weeds.  He told me to lift my hands up and let God pull me out.  This same friend led the worship band today as they sang, "Your Love Never Fails".   I have discussed in red below the parts of the verses that stood out to me the most.

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

         To me I thought of when my fear is heightened during this pregnancy, he is with me, I just have to talk and listen.  Pray and read.  TRUST.

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
          Many times I did not know when I would see the light again.  Riley is not forgotten.  I feel him with me everyday.  But this baby gives me another purpose in life.  It gives me the hope that I thought was lost.

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

Genesis 9:13-16

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.  Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.  Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.  Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."  Genesis 9:13-16

     After a storm, you may find yourself looking for the rainbow in the sky.  The rainbow that reminds us of God's promise.  To me, the rainbow is a beautiful reminder of so much more at this point in my life.  After we lost Riley, and discussed trying to conceive our second child, I was constantly seeing the term "Rainbow Baby" to describe a child after a loss.  I found my favorite description of a Rainbow Baby on Pinterest.
"A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm.  When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.  What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.  Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."

     Many of you know that Riley was our first child.  We were ready to be parents.  The nurseries were both set up.  And for those of you who have experienced a loss, you know how trying to conceive can turn from fun into a chore.  You know how hard it is to wait from the time you should have ovulated to when your period is due.  And, you know how heartbreaking it is when your period comes and there is no chance of being pregnant that month.  As you wait for each month to pass and have to countdown to your fertile days again, you watch others become pregnant as if all they had to do was think it and it became true.  We had been trying since I passed my postpartum appointment.  At that appointment my doctor asked if we wanted to go on birth control.  We said no.  My maternal fetal specialist told us that we should wait 6 months.  There is controversy if the 6 month wait is emotional or physical.  Therefore, we believed that if the doctor cleared me for physical we would try and leave it up to God.  I will admit, there were many moments of which I was angry with God for not allowing me to be pregnant right away.  Moments of jealousy when I witnessed friends become pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd, and even 4th children.  I just wanted one.  One child on earth.  It was those times that I was not trusting God.

     It has now been almost 5 months since we learned that our Riley had gone to Heaven.  It has been almost 5 months since I delivered our 6lb 9oz, 19 1/2" son on February 1, 2013 at 9:10am.  I found out on June 14, 2012 that we were pregnant with Riley.  He was due February 21, 2013

     I mentioned in my last post about the Choose Healing event I went to.  I would like to take this time to elaborate more on how that event helped me heal and be in the place emotionally and physically I am today.  I went on Friday, dragging my feet, but also feeling pushed from God to go.  I think it was better that I went by myself so I could mourn and cry and worship God without feeling like anyone was watching me or that anyone knew my story.  I left Friday night with a smile and a greater sense of peace than I had experienced since Riley's passing.  Saturday morning I woke up, and decided to take a pregnancy test.  Andrew had left for a golf fundraiser.  I laid the test down for it to process for the next 3 minutes.  I took the dog downstairs to let him out and stood in the kitchen and prayed.  I prayed for the test to be positive.  I prayed for us to have a child at home with us soon.  And I prayed that no matter what the results were that God would remind me that He is in charge and to trust Him for all the future months we would have to try to conceive.  Much to my surprise, the test was positive!  Walking into the event Saturday, knowing that I was more than likely pregnant really allowed me to continue to heal over my pain and anger from not having Riley with me and to rejoice and be excited about the future.  I did not expect to be excited.  I expected to be more nervous and want to stay more private if I were to be pregnant again.  I know it was a God thing for me to find out in the middle of attending the event.  God knew when I would find out.  He knew when I would be pregnant again.  Most of all He knew I needed to heal more and be at a place where I can be excited and joyous for our second child.
     I am happy to announce that we are around 7 weeks pregnant and we heard the most beautiful sound on Tuesday.  We heard our second child's heartbeat!  We realize it is still so early, but we decided to share now for many reasons I will talk about later.  We also know that there is no promise that this child will not go to Heaven earlier than we hope.  But we are trusting God, and blessed to know that big brother Riley is ready to play big brother in Heaven if that is God's plan.
     It is also difficult for me to announce this as I know I have friends who are still trying to conceive.  Friends who have been trying for months or years.  Friends who have recently experienced loss.  I do feel somewhat guilty, and I pray for them often.  I now understand how several of my friends must have felt when they shared with me their exciting news recently and it was difficult for me to be happy for them without feeling sorry for us.  Something I had to pray on often.  Something I was almost done struggling with just before I attended the Choose Healing event.
     Now, this has been an interesting pregnancy so far, especially compared to my pregnancy with Riley.  And, we do not have a due date at this time.  This is all due to my category of high risk from Riley's stillborn status.  I will make posts on my experience with this pregnancy so far soon.  However, Andrew and I wanted to use this post to make our announcement.  To share our excitement about what we hope will be our 'rainbow baby'.
      I had the privilege of meeting another mom last night whose child was born into Heaven in January of this year.  It was a blessing to hear her story and get to share mine.  She sent me the following bible verses.  I want to share them, because when she talked about them last night, it was as if God was in my ear saying "Told you to trust Me".

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good".     Romans 8:26-28

These are our beautiful flowers the ladies at Spring Hill Florist carefully chose to help represent our rainbow baby description.

Chosen One

While attending church with my husband and our family on Father's Day this year, I was reminded of 2 chapters in the bible.  These 2 chapters are important to me in my life because they talk of how both Moses and Jesus did not want to be chosen for the tasks that God gave them.  Andrew and I did not want to be chosen to be parents to a child in Heaven.  We wanted to be chosen to be parents to a healthy baby on earth.  However, as children of God, and the Christians we proclaim to be, we must obey to the best of our ability.

In Exodus, Moses asks God why him?  In Matthew, Jesus asks if there is another way.  In Remembering Riley I just ask why?  I picture a long, boardroom table where God, Jesus, and I all sit and talk about my life.  And then, when we come to why Riley went to Heaven at 37weeks, they give me my answer and I have a moment of pure understanding.

Today I was blessed to be able to share the story of our precious Riley more than once.  Talking about him lights up my heart while at the same time filling my eyes with tears.  It is what I would call at this time a bittersweet story.  We were blessed to be chosen to be Riley's parents, even though the end of our journey on Earth was not the piece we wanted to be chosen for.  I still have my moment of anger, but thankfully, the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear reminders of blessings to come, and of a blessing that was.

I want to ask you all to pray for the mothers, the fathers, the siblings, the grandparents, and all the family and friends of other families who have had stillbirths or miscarriages.  Pray for those who have had abortions.  Pray for those whose babies have been given the statement "incompatible with life".  Pray for those who are pregnant again and being watched ever so closely without the same joy they may have experienced before.  Currently, I have an old friend who is in the hospital.  She is 18 weeks pregnant.  From what I understand, the baby's umbilical cord has already broken through, which can allow germs to enter the womb.  Please pray for her and her sweet baby.  She does not have any children on this Earth, besides the one in her womb.  During my 2nd trimester with Riley, she found out her baby's heart in her 2nd trimester quit beating. 

Lord, I pray that you protect that sweet baby and keep both mother and child healthy.  I pray for those who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant deaths.  I pray for those who desire to get pregnant, but for some reason, have not yet.  I pray for those who have had abortions.  I pray for those who have wanted to share their stories with others, but are afraid to do so.  Lord, bless these women, fill their hearts with your peace and hope.  Fill their wombs with healthy babies. Let it be in your name. Amen.

From Anger Back to Peace

When I last wrote I was full of anger and not liking the thoughts that were filling my head.  When people would tell me that this was just a phase of my grief, I wanted to believe them, but I was also struggling with finding my path to peace again.
Almost a month ago, a dear friend told me about a Choose Healing event that was going to happen on the weekend of June 7-8.  I was hesitant, but when I found out my calendar was free, I signed up to go.  As the week progressed toward the event, I told Andrew that I was dreading being in attendance, but I felt called to go.  I am so glad I went!  What peace filled my soul the first evening.  Very few people there knew my story.  While I wish a could have had a friend or even Andrew go with me, I am now glad that I had some time alone in the pew, worshiping God and slowing letting my anger back into his hands.  If I was next to someone, I may have been a little more reluctant.  I was looking forward to returning on Saturday.  I am happy to say that I left with a partial renewed heart.  Some things will always be difficult, but I choose healing.  I want to do things in honor of my handsome son and I want to do things for other women who unfortunately will someday be in my shoes, if they have not already.

One of the bible verses that struck the deepest with my soul was Ecclesiastes 1:9 "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."  Stillbirth is not new.  Miscarriage is not new.  Infertility is not new.  Abortion is not new.  Whatever your loss may be, and mine is stillbirth, you will find yourself feeling alone and like no one understands.  As I have mentioned before, people will say stupid things.  And unfortunately for our broken hearts, we will watch others get pregnant, maybe time and time again.  We will also witness others have completely healthy births and never experience a loss.  Please don't let your loss be in vain.  Please don't let your loss take you and keep you in the dark shadows of life.  I am crawling out of those corners.  Just because others, and myself, have said that this is normal for our grief, you can be the exception.  Pray hard, pray long, and pray without outside distractions to stay in the light and keep the peace that passes all understanding.  Read Philippians 4:7.  You can have that peace.  It is possible.  I am finding it again.  Praise Jesus!!!

There really is power in prayer.  Without all of you praying for me, I would still be in the dark corners, not even looking for a way out.  For that I am forever blessed and grateful!

Today in church, we sang "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  Please let this song fill your soul when you find yourself feeling like you are alone.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Preparing for a stillbirth

Unfortunately, recently, I have watched a friend learn early on in her pregnancy that her baby would be fatal.  They expected him to be stillborn, or if he was born, they expected him to not live long.  As we went through our pregnancies at about the same time, Andrew and I would often talk about what an inspiration that couple was to us.  They were planning a funeral.  We were planning a surgery.  Little did we know that our surgery planes would be thrown out the window and we would be planning a funeral.
If you have ever taken a birthing class, at least a class like we did, you may receive a lot of papers.  These papers covered checklists or what do do tips for anything from packing for the hospital delivery to baby wipe solution.  The class covered vaginal delivery, cesarean, and emergency cesareans.  We discussed forceps and epidurals.  We talked about what to expect.  What we DID NOT discuss was what to do in case of a stillbirth.
Although our son, Riley, had a chromosome 22q 11 deletion, and that is what likely caused his stillbirth.  Our son was stillborn.  We were planning a surgery, there was NEVER talk about the possibility of him not making it to a live delivery.
Therefore, here we were, learning of our son's utero death at about 11:30 in the morning and planning to start induction that same day, on our smart phones informing family and friends as well as researching what to do.  Luckily, we had a few friends and family members who informed us of a couple of important facts to know.  The rest we learned via Internet explorer.
The couple I mentioned earlier came to see us in the hospital and I remember telling her all about things she should think about as she continued her 4 months of pregnancy, not knowing the outcome of her precious baby.  I talked with her many times after with things we had learned and things that I believed important.  Things that I would have done differently, and things that I will do differently if I ever become pregnant again, although I do not feel the desire to have any more children.
I have told many people that someday I may push to have a stillbirth paper added to the birthing classes.  However, at this time, my energy is drained by all my anger, so I am going to share in this blog.  If you know of anyone who has just learned that they will have to deliver their stillborn child, please pass this along to them.

1. Bag: If you have already packed your bag, take it.  If not, take comfy socks, sports bra, and robe if you want.  Take a plain onesie for your baby, their body will naturally start to decompose and you will want to protect other clothing you put on he or she for pictures so you do not have to scrub as much blood out later.  Take any clothes and blankets that you want your baby photographed in.

2. Sleeping:  Take a movie to watch as you will not be able to sleep thinking about your sudden loss.  Take a small air mattress for your spouse because they may sleep, and if you stay for several days, the hospital pull out chairs and couches are not comfortable.

3. Photos:  Take one last photo of your pregnant belly!   Contact the national organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  Fantastic organization!  They took photos of Riley at no cost to us, and even rushed a couple of images so that we could blow them up for frames at his memorial service.  The photographer was so professional and treated our son like he was an actual person, not a baby's dead body.

4. Epidural:  Worked so great I did not feel the labor pains, however, I also was too dead legged to get up and help bath Riley or change his clothes.  I will not do this again.

5.  After delivery:  Skin to skin.  I loved having my baby skin to skin.  That was in my original birth plan, although with talks of surgery was probably not going to happen.  I had Andrew take a photo of this.  Andrew and a nurse bathed Riley.  They measured him and let me keep the measuring tape.  I requested a lock of his red hair and his foot & hand prints.  We also had him baptized.  I wish I had asked for plastered hand and footprints.  I also wish TN was a state that believed in birth certificates for stillborns, but unfortunately, it is not, but another wonderful mother has been leading the cause to help that become a law.  Riley was born, even if he was not born alive.  I gave birth.  I have the body to prove it!

6.  Visitors:  I did not mind it at first, however, a couple of events have been haunting me, so I know I will not do this again.  First, one person saw Riley, and must have seen me holding onto one of his hands.  His other hand was wrapped up in the blanket, but I wanted to hold his hand.  This person told their mother who in turn told my mother who had not even seen her first grandchild yet, that Riley only had one arm.  If you do not know for sure, do not say anything!  This can be very upsetting to the mother...luckily, at the time I was on so many drugs I laughed about it.  Second, it is an upsetting time for all of the family, especially when is a shock like Riley was.  However, unless you can hold it together for the parents, do not come into the room to hold the child and argue about who should console who.  In the future, I do not wish to have visitors at the hospital, maybe I will change my mind, but more likely I will only allow certain people in at certain times.

7.  Time with your baby:  Most hospitals will not be in any rush to discharge you.  Hold your child as much as you want.  When you are not holding your baby, the nurses will put he or she in the morgue to help preserve the body, but will return your baby to you whenever you like.  I wish I had held Riley longer.  We sent him to the morgue to sleep the first evening.  I wanted my last hours with Riley to be with Andrew and I the next day.  I waited too long to ask for my child, trying to allow visitors time to see us without seeing Riley.  Which is another reason I will not have visitors again.  Family is great, but they struggle with leaving you alone.  What our family may not realize is that Andrew and I have a strong relationship.  The bible says, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."  We are definitely our own team, and as unpredictable or drastic as I may seem during my grief, my husband is by my side and supporting and protecting me every way he can.

8. Burial or Cremation.  We decided to cremate so that we could always have Riley with us.  If for some reason we move, we did not want to have our son buried in another city or state.  I have talked to other parents who have buried their children and then moved.  They hate that their children's grave is not easily accessible.  Some funeral homes will offer free or discounted burials, so if you decide to do this, be sure to ask.  Now, the hospital will offer free cremation, BUT BE WARNED!  They cremate multiple babies at one time, so when you receive the ashes, you will only have some of your child's ashes and lots of other babies.  My regret with cremation is that I did not know or think about having to identify the body.  So when my husbands mother and step-father offered to take care of the cremation for us, we were so overwhelmed with the shock and heartbreak that we did not second guess it.  I learned a few days later that they had to identify the body.  I should have been the last person to see my son.  I wanted to be last person to see my son.  If I ever have to go through this again, I will take care of the cremation.  It is funny how when you are a first time mom, planning your son's funeral or memorial, your motherly instincts kick in.  I wanted to do a lot, as difficult as it was because he was my son and I carried him for 9  months but could not save him, so I wanted to care and do for him as much as I could before I took him home forever.
Andrew and I researched urns online and found one we loved.  The estimated time of shipping was about 4 weeks, but my mother-in-law was able to explain the situation and have it shipped to us within a couple of days.

9.  Funeral or Memorial:  This is really up to you.  We did a memorial 8 days after I delivered Riley.  This allowed time for planning, time for autopsy, and time for family and friends to travel in for the service.  We had a few friends sing and read poems.  We had time of testimony.  Andrew and I composed a letter to our son, and with some Ativan, I was even able to get through reading the letter.  Ask your OB for something to help take the edge and panic off as you attend the funeral or memorial and give hugs and listen to wonderful people say stupid things that they think help.

About 1 in 150 babies will be stillborn.  With this high statistic I think more people should be aware of and prepared for stillbirth.  October is stillbirth awareness month.

We knew Riley had a severe heart condition.  It was not until his autopsy that we learned his chromosome abnormality.  To me, I will always associate Riley with stillbirth.  When I think about 1 in 150 babies, I wonder why God chose us to be that 1?  I have a very large family, and no one has had a still birth that we are aware of.  I have over 30 cousins on my mother's side, yet I had the first stillborn child.  As I write this I think it is ironic that I never win anything.  I could drop my name in a drawing that only 10 people entered and not be the 1 of 10 winner.  However, out of 150 babies, our son was 1.  Maybe because of the tragedy of the situation I could look at it and say that we still didn't 'win'.  Out of 149 winners, we lost.  I definitely feel robbed.  However, I am grateful that my son did not have to endure heart surgery in his young life.  But I feel robbed, jealous, and angry.  And I constantly think about what I can do in honor of my son to help raise awareness.  And I think about if I were to be pregnant again, which I would only do for my husband because I know that is what he wants, what I would do differently.  People may not like it, and I may upset family or friends.  I do not mean to....this is just me pouring my heart out and preparing those for stillbirths ahead as well as those for any future births I may have.

"Red Cross"

About a month ago, when I was having one of my most difficult days at the time...I have had worse since...a friend stopped by the office to give me a hug.  I was working in the office on this day, but kept the doors locked because we did not have any patients, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone.  When I let my friend in I explained that I was just not feeling up to seeing anyone and I was 'ok' in the sense that I was not going to harm myself, I was just at a very angry place, she said something to me that has been on my mind ever since.  She explained that although I may not want to see anyone, and I may honestly be 'ok', when people know someone is hurting, they want to do whatever they can to reach out and help.  She said it is like I am a national disaster and people around me are the Red Cross wanting to step in and help clean up the mess.  Alright, so she didn't say I was a national disaster, but she did say that people are like the Red Cross and want to help.  This implied to me that people see the complicated mess that is now my life and want to help, which is why I will probably refer to myself as a national disaster many times in upcoming blogs.  It is true, we are human, and it is our nature to want to help when someone is helplessly hurting or struggling.  However, the loss of a child is something that cannot be fixed or helped.  It is something I have to learn how to work with on my updated life resume.
This thought of the Red Cross sat directly in all of my thoughts this past weekend.  We had decided to be a part of a Pay It Forward festival in our town, and had a booth for our business.  The festival was suppose to last until 5pm, but around 4pm staff members came and let us know that we could pack up because of the approaching bad storm.  It does not take us much time to tear down our booths, so when we were finished, and we could see the dark clouds coming in with lightening in the distance, we looked at our neighbors who were still cleaning up their area.  We immediately began helping them clean up their area and load their trailer.  Once they were on the road, Andrew and I decided to head toward the main stage and festival headquarters to see who else needed help.  At that time, the rain came crashing down with lightening in the area, and thunder booming so close and so fast after the flash of lightening, that we knew we were in the middle of the storm.  That did not stop us from doing what we could to help.  Helping out neighbors, friends, and even strangers in a time of need is what being a part of a community is all about.  When people were thanking us, we explained it was not a problem, and our pleasure to help.  We explained that is what being a part of a community meant.  Ding, ding, ding!  Red Cross.  National Disaster.  Here we were, risking our safety to help others, without a second thought.  They did not ask for our help, but we were there.  And it felt good to be there, no expectations, no thanks needed, just helping out our fellow community members.  Suddenly, what my friend had said made sense.
However, with that being said, I want to explain that as hard as it may be to not step in and play Red Cross to me, or anyone else in a similar situation.....it really may be the best thing.  When I was really struggling and wanting time to myself, the phone calls and messages as well as the visitors increased.  Unfortunately, this only upset me more.  Five days a week I have to put on a front and leave my personal life at the door so I can help run a pleasant office experience for our patients and parents.  It is very difficult, especially to see these beautiful children everyday, to smile and give the common response of "I'm good" when someone asks how I am.  Many parents are learning our story, but our story is not what our purpose in the office is each day.  It is difficult to share our story and see the look of "I'm sorry" on a parent's face.  It is a natural response, but I feel like if I share the story I am looking for pity....when all I really want is to be at least 5 years past this part of my life.
I am at a very angry part of my grief.  Grief does not have a time limit.  Grief does not have a natural course of order, meaning different emotions come at different times.  I struggle with worrying about how everyone else feels and what someone else will think of what I want to say.  I am learning to be selfish and honest.  I dislike it when someone asks me how I am.  How do you think I am?  My usual response is that I am not ok, but I am not-not ok...I just am.  This is where I am at this point of my life.  I do not wish to talk about it much.  I do not wish to socialize.  I am learning that when I agree to things ahead of time, it is not a good idea because usually, by the time the activity arises, I no longer want to go and I get in a panic mode.  I do not like to go out much besides being at the office.  I am continuing my networking and a few other things I already committed to at this time.  But please do not be offended if I turn down lunch or coffee.  I have told Andrew that this year, I want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in our home, probably alone.  I love our families, but large crowds...more than 3 people anymore can put me into a "hide & cover" mode.  We still have about 240 days of firsts to go through before Riley's Angelversary.
No one can fix me, no one can fix our situation.  Only God can heal and give peace, but currently, I am so angry at him, that this stage of my grief will probably last awhile.  Andrew is so amazing.  He has helped protect me by stopping or changing conversations that may upset me.  I am so blessed to be his wife.  I am also blessed by having so many people that love me and want to play Red Cross, so please understand how thankful I am that you would come to my rescue, but realize that your prayers are the only aide I need at this time.  Hugs are also one that I would like to pass on.  I have never really been much of a hugger, but lately, the thought of having to give another hug is more stressful than it should be.
God bless you all, and please just pray for Andrew and I as we continue to adjust to our new life.  I know he loves the hugs and does not mind talking.  As for me, I am sending the Red Cross back to their homes.  My national disaster life is still in the middle of the storm and not ready for any more aide.

Mother's Day

I have started to blog several times over the past few weeks, only to be taken surprise by my emotion that particular day, or busy with work on another.  When I say surprised by my emotion, I mean I was at a level of such peace so when news or even my own thoughts would take me down an emotional path that was difficult to walk, I was in no mood to write, or even talk as I was learning how to feel my new feelings in my time of grief.
I recently read in a book about how many years ago, people would not immediately go back to work after a death in the family.  The book went on to say how the family would wear black to show that they were still in a period of mourning so others would know to handle them in a delicate manner.
Unfortunately, when you are drowning in debt and starting your own business, the luxury of taking time off to mourn is not allowed.  And honestly, working is what has helped me out of bed each day.  Some days I can work and see mothers and children and not think about how jealous of them I am, other days are not so forgiving on my heart.  And, if I had all black that fit, as my body is still changing from being 9 months pregnant, I probably would wear it everyday.
Some of my recent thoughts and feelings have been toward the thought of Mother's Day this year.  I anticipated how I should feel, what I should do, and what I honestly wanted.  Yes, I was pregnant.  Yes, I did the best I could to take care of and prepare for our son, Riley, for the short 37 weeks I carried him.  But now, a little over 3 months later, I am trying to wrap my mind around the thought of me being a mom.  I told Andrew the other day how I aligned the thought of me being a mom with a basketball player getting injured before the game.
A basketball player spends days, weeks, and months training for the team tryouts.  When the day comes that the player made the team, the practice season begins.  But what if during practice, the player is injured and cannot play during the season games?  What if the player is injured during a game, but won't play in the play off games?  And what becomes of the player when he has to try out again for the team?
Just like that basketball player, I "tried out" for the mom team.  What a glorious day it was when I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test on June 14, 2012.  I had made the mom team!  I did everything I could think of to strengthen myself and prepare for the first game.  Unfortunately, Riley was gone before I could deliver him alive.  I did not get to play in the first game.  I did not give birth to a live baby or bring my son home.  I missed this season.  I would love to play in the next season, but I have to try out again.  There are lots of prayers, lots of blood, sweat and tears....literally!  Each month when my period comes, I am disappointed.  I also know that I am at a higher risk for miscarriage or more stillbirths...there are no promises, no guarantees.  I know that the next pregnancy will not be easy emotionally, but that would be the same even if I waited years to try again.
It bothers me when people tell me to wait.  No one has any idea how I feel.  Even if you have had a similar loss, can you tell me that you were under the pressure of a new business?  Can you tell me you were surrounded by mothers and children everyday?  I do not know that I will be able to get pregnant again.  I do know that I would adopt now if I knew that I will not get pregnant again, or if it will take years to get pregnant again.  I want to play in the game so bad!
Recently, I have had 2 friends tell me that they know that I will not feel better until I have another baby.  They know that is when I will start to feel my purpose.  Until then, I am somewhat lost, doing the best I can to actually play in the game and not just be on the team.
Riley helped me make the team, and I will never forget him.  Another child will never replace my handsome son with red hair.  I am tired of reliving how I should be feeling, or why I should not be jealous, or why I should wait.  I want to play in the game and I want to tell my next child all about the first time I made the team.
So if you wonder why I am not celebrating Mother's Day this year, think about what you would do if you made the team, but could not play in the game.  Would you want to be with your teammates celebrating their wins, or would you want to sit this first one out as you sit on the bench?  I may have played well in the practice, but why should I be rewarded if you couldn't see me play in the game?  Please Lord, let me have my chance!