"Red Cross"

About a month ago, when I was having one of my most difficult days at the time...I have had worse since...a friend stopped by the office to give me a hug.  I was working in the office on this day, but kept the doors locked because we did not have any patients, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone.  When I let my friend in I explained that I was just not feeling up to seeing anyone and I was 'ok' in the sense that I was not going to harm myself, I was just at a very angry place, she said something to me that has been on my mind ever since.  She explained that although I may not want to see anyone, and I may honestly be 'ok', when people know someone is hurting, they want to do whatever they can to reach out and help.  She said it is like I am a national disaster and people around me are the Red Cross wanting to step in and help clean up the mess.  Alright, so she didn't say I was a national disaster, but she did say that people are like the Red Cross and want to help.  This implied to me that people see the complicated mess that is now my life and want to help, which is why I will probably refer to myself as a national disaster many times in upcoming blogs.  It is true, we are human, and it is our nature to want to help when someone is helplessly hurting or struggling.  However, the loss of a child is something that cannot be fixed or helped.  It is something I have to learn how to work with on my updated life resume.
This thought of the Red Cross sat directly in all of my thoughts this past weekend.  We had decided to be a part of a Pay It Forward festival in our town, and had a booth for our business.  The festival was suppose to last until 5pm, but around 4pm staff members came and let us know that we could pack up because of the approaching bad storm.  It does not take us much time to tear down our booths, so when we were finished, and we could see the dark clouds coming in with lightening in the distance, we looked at our neighbors who were still cleaning up their area.  We immediately began helping them clean up their area and load their trailer.  Once they were on the road, Andrew and I decided to head toward the main stage and festival headquarters to see who else needed help.  At that time, the rain came crashing down with lightening in the area, and thunder booming so close and so fast after the flash of lightening, that we knew we were in the middle of the storm.  That did not stop us from doing what we could to help.  Helping out neighbors, friends, and even strangers in a time of need is what being a part of a community is all about.  When people were thanking us, we explained it was not a problem, and our pleasure to help.  We explained that is what being a part of a community meant.  Ding, ding, ding!  Red Cross.  National Disaster.  Here we were, risking our safety to help others, without a second thought.  They did not ask for our help, but we were there.  And it felt good to be there, no expectations, no thanks needed, just helping out our fellow community members.  Suddenly, what my friend had said made sense.
However, with that being said, I want to explain that as hard as it may be to not step in and play Red Cross to me, or anyone else in a similar situation.....it really may be the best thing.  When I was really struggling and wanting time to myself, the phone calls and messages as well as the visitors increased.  Unfortunately, this only upset me more.  Five days a week I have to put on a front and leave my personal life at the door so I can help run a pleasant office experience for our patients and parents.  It is very difficult, especially to see these beautiful children everyday, to smile and give the common response of "I'm good" when someone asks how I am.  Many parents are learning our story, but our story is not what our purpose in the office is each day.  It is difficult to share our story and see the look of "I'm sorry" on a parent's face.  It is a natural response, but I feel like if I share the story I am looking for pity....when all I really want is to be at least 5 years past this part of my life.
I am at a very angry part of my grief.  Grief does not have a time limit.  Grief does not have a natural course of order, meaning different emotions come at different times.  I struggle with worrying about how everyone else feels and what someone else will think of what I want to say.  I am learning to be selfish and honest.  I dislike it when someone asks me how I am.  How do you think I am?  My usual response is that I am not ok, but I am not-not ok...I just am.  This is where I am at this point of my life.  I do not wish to talk about it much.  I do not wish to socialize.  I am learning that when I agree to things ahead of time, it is not a good idea because usually, by the time the activity arises, I no longer want to go and I get in a panic mode.  I do not like to go out much besides being at the office.  I am continuing my networking and a few other things I already committed to at this time.  But please do not be offended if I turn down lunch or coffee.  I have told Andrew that this year, I want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in our home, probably alone.  I love our families, but large crowds...more than 3 people anymore can put me into a "hide & cover" mode.  We still have about 240 days of firsts to go through before Riley's Angelversary.
No one can fix me, no one can fix our situation.  Only God can heal and give peace, but currently, I am so angry at him, that this stage of my grief will probably last awhile.  Andrew is so amazing.  He has helped protect me by stopping or changing conversations that may upset me.  I am so blessed to be his wife.  I am also blessed by having so many people that love me and want to play Red Cross, so please understand how thankful I am that you would come to my rescue, but realize that your prayers are the only aide I need at this time.  Hugs are also one that I would like to pass on.  I have never really been much of a hugger, but lately, the thought of having to give another hug is more stressful than it should be.
God bless you all, and please just pray for Andrew and I as we continue to adjust to our new life.  I know he loves the hugs and does not mind talking.  As for me, I am sending the Red Cross back to their homes.  My national disaster life is still in the middle of the storm and not ready for any more aide.