Lately I have been feeling more excited about this pregnancy. I am partly excited to be nearing the end because I feel like I have been pregnant forever, and in reality I have been pregnant since May 2012 with only 3 1/2 months in between of not being pregnant. But I am also partly excited because I have dreamed of being a mother for so long. The mother role I currently have is one I never imagined, and one I would do over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same.
I know I am a mother, but to bring a child home to nurse, to snuggle, to read to, to change diapers, to hold his warm, breathing body in my arms....well that is a dream I look forward to having as my reality. As I type this I am weeping over the memory of Riley. I am weeping over the short time I had to hold him. I am weeping because his precious body was so cold. I remember kissing his nose and it was cold to my lips. I remember examining his body. I was celebrating his life, celebrating the fight he had for 37 weeks to live. I was mourning our loss. I was praising God for our gift. I was praying for peace and understanding that by only God's favor did I have at that time. One of our maternal fetal specialists even mentioned how she could not believe how calm I was with Riley and how I allowed them to perform an amniocentesis on me after we knew he was no longer alive. I was only able to be that calm because I could feel God's presence. It was and is an incredible feeling. I knew I was not alone then and I am not alone now.
Some of my excitement also stems from this time of year. I love this time of year. I miss the days when I had income and could do lots of Christmas shopping, but I am learning to love the true meaning of Christmas when you live on such a tight budget and you start to see the meaning of family in another light. It was this time of year that my husband proposed. It was this time of year that we adopted Gunnar, our dog. It was this time of year when we saw Riley more often, and watched him move in the ultrasounds. It is this time of the year that we prepare our home for our next son.
I have been blessed to see friends photos recently of them in the hospital with their new child. I have been checking in on a few other friends who are pregnant now to see how they are doing. For most of them everything is well. For others they are either pregnant with their rainbow baby and experiencing normal nervousness, or they have received news that makes them worry until their child is born. For those I ask you to pray with me. Pray for peace as they have tough weeks ahead of them.
When I see the photos of new babies my heart aches in anticipation for this son to arrive. I do not want him to come too early, but we are ready to bring him home. We are ready to selfishly snuggle this son and spend alone time with him. We are ready to post pictures of him on facebook and share the news of his healthy arrival with all our family and friends. I am not necessarily a patient person, so this last stretch of my pregnancy has me on the edge of my seat. I am also a planner, so not knowing when is making me nervous. Will he come before 36 weeks? Will he surprise us and make it past 40 weeks? Will they let me go past 37 weeks? Will my nerves let me remain calm past 37 weeks? Will he come before 2013 is over?
I am so excited to deliver this son. I pray I can have another vaginal delivery, no matter what his size, especially because he is measuring on the bigger side. Many women who have a vaginal delivery for their first child experience a child who is moving and crying as they deliver. If I had a cesarean with Riley, I would not be so concerned, but I delivered, I pushed Riley's body by vaginal delivery. I would like to experience tears of joy not of mourning as I deliver this child in the same way. I do not know what it is like to leave the hospital with a child. I do not know what it is like to breast feed. I do not know what it is like to hold your child skin to skin and have warm bodies touching. I am excited, I am scared, and I am grateful to God for the opportunity if it is his will. I am also grateful to God for the opportunity to carry and feel this son inside of me just like Riley if his will is anything other than my desire.
We are blessed to get pregnant again. We are blessed to get pregnant again so soon after delivering Riley. I am trying, but not very hard to trust God's timing in this. With Riley, the day of our 37 week check up, most of the next day's patients had called the office to change their appointment for one reason or another. I was stressed over how to fill the day when we would be at doctor appointments and not have the schedule handy. Little did I know, we needed Friday off to deliver Riley. I am sure God will handle our schedule in a similar matter. I just hope I do not read into it too much if the upcoming schedule were to change, but it was not time to deliver this son.
I had hoped to set up the nursery again with Andrew over Thanksgiving, but when you own a business, that takes priority when there are things to do. And, to be honest, I am not sure that I am quite ready yet. Although the thought of being 30 weeks, meaning I have only about 10 weeks left, and 6 weeks if I do not make it past 36...even less if I do not make it to then...wow! OVERWHELMED! I will work on the nursery with Andrew soon. I feel it is important to set it up again together to remember Riley and prepare for this son. We bought a lot of things thinking they would go to Riley, but he never came home with us, so we have agreed that this son can have them. I washed a load of baby clothes the other night that we have received and purchased since we found out we were pregnant again. Last night, when I was putting them away, Andrew joined me in the nursery. It was difficult to be in there, but we agreed that we wouldn't change anything. We had planned on bringing Riley home to that room, but he never came home. This child will grow up knowing all about Riley, so there is no reason to change anything like he had come home, or like we had not planned or prepared for him.
I know this delivery will be very emotional. It will be very emotional to come home with this son. I am glad we will keep it mostly private, as husband and wife, to share in the experience together. After all, we made our boys in private, why shouldn't we be able to greet and spend most of their first hours with them in the same way?
I am grateful for Andrew who understands me, supports me, and agrees with me. I am grateful he asked me to marry him, even if I said 'yes' before he could ask the question! He is my best friend and I am excited to be carrying his son and welcome him into the world together! I hope this son looks just like him as Riley did! I am excited to be on this journey with him and I look forward to the weeks ahead as only God knows when this son will be born. I am excited!!!
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