Unfortunately, recently, I have watched a friend learn early on in her pregnancy that her baby would be fatal. They expected him to be stillborn, or if he was born, they expected him to not live long. As we went through our pregnancies at about the same time, Andrew and I would often talk about what an inspiration that couple was to us. They were planning a funeral. We were planning a surgery. Little did we know that our surgery planes would be thrown out the window and we would be planning a funeral.
If you have ever taken a birthing class, at least a class like we did, you may receive a lot of papers. These papers covered checklists or what do do tips for anything from packing for the hospital delivery to baby wipe solution. The class covered vaginal delivery, cesarean, and emergency cesareans. We discussed forceps and epidurals. We talked about what to expect. What we DID NOT discuss was what to do in case of a stillbirth.
Although our son, Riley, had a chromosome 22q 11 deletion, and that is what likely caused his stillbirth. Our son was stillborn. We were planning a surgery, there was NEVER talk about the possibility of him not making it to a live delivery.
Therefore, here we were, learning of our son's utero death at about 11:30 in the morning and planning to start induction that same day, on our smart phones informing family and friends as well as researching what to do. Luckily, we had a few friends and family members who informed us of a couple of important facts to know. The rest we learned via Internet explorer.
The couple I mentioned earlier came to see us in the hospital and I remember telling her all about things she should think about as she continued her 4 months of pregnancy, not knowing the outcome of her precious baby. I talked with her many times after with things we had learned and things that I believed important. Things that I would have done differently, and things that I will do differently if I ever become pregnant again, although I do not feel the desire to have any more children.
I have told many people that someday I may push to have a stillbirth paper added to the birthing classes. However, at this time, my energy is drained by all my anger, so I am going to share in this blog. If you know of anyone who has just learned that they will have to deliver their stillborn child, please pass this along to them.
1. Bag: If you have already packed your bag, take it. If not, take comfy socks, sports bra, and robe if you want. Take a plain onesie for your baby, their body will naturally start to decompose and you will want to protect other clothing you put on he or she for pictures so you do not have to scrub as much blood out later. Take any clothes and blankets that you want your baby photographed in.
2. Sleeping: Take a movie to watch as you will not be able to sleep thinking about your sudden loss. Take a small air mattress for your spouse because they may sleep, and if you stay for several days, the hospital pull out chairs and couches are not comfortable.
3. Photos: Take one last photo of your pregnant belly! Contact the national organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Fantastic organization! They took photos of Riley at no cost to us, and even rushed a couple of images so that we could blow them up for frames at his memorial service. The photographer was so professional and treated our son like he was an actual person, not a baby's dead body.
4. Epidural: Worked so great I did not feel the labor pains, however, I also was too dead legged to get up and help bath Riley or change his clothes. I will not do this again.
5. After delivery: Skin to skin. I loved having my baby skin to skin. That was in my original birth plan, although with talks of surgery was probably not going to happen. I had Andrew take a photo of this. Andrew and a nurse bathed Riley. They measured him and let me keep the measuring tape. I requested a lock of his red hair and his foot & hand prints. We also had him baptized. I wish I had asked for plastered hand and footprints. I also wish TN was a state that believed in birth certificates for stillborns, but unfortunately, it is not, but another wonderful mother has been leading the cause to help that become a law. Riley was born, even if he was not born alive. I gave birth. I have the body to prove it!
6. Visitors: I did not mind it at first, however, a couple of events have been haunting me, so I know I will not do this again. First, one person saw Riley, and must have seen me holding onto one of his hands. His other hand was wrapped up in the blanket, but I wanted to hold his hand. This person told their mother who in turn told my mother who had not even seen her first grandchild yet, that Riley only had one arm. If you do not know for sure, do not say anything! This can be very upsetting to the mother...luckily, at the time I was on so many drugs I laughed about it. Second, it is an upsetting time for all of the family, especially when is a shock like Riley was. However, unless you can hold it together for the parents, do not come into the room to hold the child and argue about who should console who. In the future, I do not wish to have visitors at the hospital, maybe I will change my mind, but more likely I will only allow certain people in at certain times.
7. Time with your baby: Most hospitals will not be in any rush to discharge you. Hold your child as much as you want. When you are not holding your baby, the nurses will put he or she in the morgue to help preserve the body, but will return your baby to you whenever you like. I wish I had held Riley longer. We sent him to the morgue to sleep the first evening. I wanted my last hours with Riley to be with Andrew and I the next day. I waited too long to ask for my child, trying to allow visitors time to see us without seeing Riley. Which is another reason I will not have visitors again. Family is great, but they struggle with leaving you alone. What our family may not realize is that Andrew and I have a strong relationship. The bible says, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." We are definitely our own team, and as unpredictable or drastic as I may seem during my grief, my husband is by my side and supporting and protecting me every way he can.
8. Burial or Cremation. We decided to cremate so that we could always have Riley with us. If for some reason we move, we did not want to have our son buried in another city or state. I have talked to other parents who have buried their children and then moved. They hate that their children's grave is not easily accessible. Some funeral homes will offer free or discounted burials, so if you decide to do this, be sure to ask. Now, the hospital will offer free cremation, BUT BE WARNED! They cremate multiple babies at one time, so when you receive the ashes, you will only have some of your child's ashes and lots of other babies. My regret with cremation is that I did not know or think about having to identify the body. So when my husbands mother and step-father offered to take care of the cremation for us, we were so overwhelmed with the shock and heartbreak that we did not second guess it. I learned a few days later that they had to identify the body. I should have been the last person to see my son. I wanted to be last person to see my son. If I ever have to go through this again, I will take care of the cremation. It is funny how when you are a first time mom, planning your son's funeral or memorial, your motherly instincts kick in. I wanted to do a lot, as difficult as it was because he was my son and I carried him for 9 months but could not save him, so I wanted to care and do for him as much as I could before I took him home forever.
Andrew and I researched urns online and found one we loved. The estimated time of shipping was about 4 weeks, but my mother-in-law was able to explain the situation and have it shipped to us within a couple of days.
9. Funeral or Memorial: This is really up to you. We did a memorial 8 days after I delivered Riley. This allowed time for planning, time for autopsy, and time for family and friends to travel in for the service. We had a few friends sing and read poems. We had time of testimony. Andrew and I composed a letter to our son, and with some Ativan, I was even able to get through reading the letter. Ask your OB for something to help take the edge and panic off as you attend the funeral or memorial and give hugs and listen to wonderful people say stupid things that they think help.
About 1 in 150 babies will be stillborn. With this high statistic I think more people should be aware of and prepared for stillbirth. October is stillbirth awareness month.
We knew Riley had a severe heart condition. It was not until his autopsy that we learned his chromosome abnormality. To me, I will always associate Riley with stillbirth. When I think about 1 in 150 babies, I wonder why God chose us to be that 1? I have a very large family, and no one has had a still birth that we are aware of. I have over 30 cousins on my mother's side, yet I had the first stillborn child. As I write this I think it is ironic that I never win anything. I could drop my name in a drawing that only 10 people entered and not be the 1 of 10 winner. However, out of 150 babies, our son was 1. Maybe because of the tragedy of the situation I could look at it and say that we still didn't 'win'. Out of 149 winners, we lost. I definitely feel robbed. However, I am grateful that my son did not have to endure heart surgery in his young life. But I feel robbed, jealous, and angry. And I constantly think about what I can do in honor of my son to help raise awareness. And I think about if I were to be pregnant again, which I would only do for my husband because I know that is what he wants, what I would do differently. People may not like it, and I may upset family or friends. I do not mean to....this is just me pouring my heart out and preparing those for stillbirths ahead as well as those for any future births I may have.
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