Here we are, Andrew and Angie. We have been married for two and a half years. We are the proud parents of two beautiful sons. We all know that Christmas can get carried away and loose it's true meaning, especially when you are shopping and wrapping for your children. What do we do to prepare for Christmas this year for our two boys? Well, unlike many parents of two children, our first born is celebrating his first Christmas in Heaven, and our second son is dancing around in my uterus. So, here we are, Andrew and Angie, and our dog Gunnar.
This year, we decided to stay home. We discussed when we were first married, staying home on Christmas once we had children. And, even though one son is in Heaven and the other is still in my womb, we decided to stay home as we originally planned.
It was a lovely Christmas, one filled with prayer and thankfulness for what God has blessed us with and for Jesus, whose birth we celebrate today. It was a quiet Christmas. Back during my darkest months, most of what took me into the dark and kept me there was all the thoughts of what I thought should have been. Thoughts about what I should be doing with my son, whom I thought should be alive. I did not want to spend Christmas thinking about what I would have bought him and who would have been holding him today. I do not wish to think about what would be if he were here today. For me, those are unhealthy thoughts. God blessed us with a beautiful son. God blessed us with taking him home with Him so that we did not witness him go through surgery and pain. Our son did not suffer and for that I am grateful. I did have to fight those feelings a few times, and I do on occasion avoid situations where I know I will lean toward those thoughts. So today, I am grateful to be celebrating Christmas, the birth day of Jesus, in our home with my wonderful husband.
Therefore, while I do not wish to spend my days thinking about how old Riley would be or what we would be doing with him now, I still want to remember and honor him in every way that I can. I want to start traditions that we can share with our next son when he is born, and all the other children that God chooses to bless us with.
We had a stocking made for Riley that we will hang up each Christmas. We bought an ornament for him this year. I will admit, as much as I am ashamed to, that I forgot to get a gift from the Angel tree for another child in need in the time I should have. I will be better about getting a child a gift next year.
And, we donated a chemo duck from Gabe's Chemo Duck program in memory of Riley. This year, we also donated a duck in honor of "Waitforit".
Gunnar, like normal, was spoiled with new toys and treats. We were excited to watch him open and play with his new toys.
Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or another age, will have different ways that they grieve. They will have different ways that they honor and remember. There is no right or wrong way, we just need to remember to respect what they choose.
I can feel the "Momma bear" coming out in me when I defend why we are doing what we have decided for Christmas, as well as his Angelversary. Riley was born into Heaven on February 1, 2013 and that day will always be known to me as his Angelversary, not his birthday. I am not sure what we will do to celebrate the day yet. We have a few ideas, but it also depends on when "Waitforit" is born.
Today, I took a long bath and listened to my friend, Maribeth Johnson's new CD, Break Through. On the CD is the song "Christmas In Heaven". Her husband wrote the song and she sings it. If you have a moment, I encourage you to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw
Thank you Maribeth for singing this beautiful song and sharing it with all of us!
Thank you Andrew for being my encouragement through my dark and stressful days. Thank you for supporting what I need to grieve and remember and for wishing to do the same!
Thank you God for my beautiful son Riley and all the blessings you have given us through his short life on earth!
Merry Christmas Riley! Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!!!
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