Dear Gabriel,
I knew your name before I knew of you! I had a dream in which a woman I had never seen before visited me and told me that I would be having a boy and I should name him Gabriel. The next day, I took a test that was a very faint positive…in fact, I took 2 tests just to be sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me.
It was on that day I fell in love with you. It was on that day that I also knew that my time with you would be short. I had an inkling that you would pass before me. I wanted to believe it was the fear I will always fight in pregnancy. A week before you passed, my feeling became stronger and my heart was broken. I knew I would not have the time with you I prayed for on Earth. I was scared to love you more, and yet, as each day passed, I did. I still do!
The week you died is one that I will never forget, and yet one that is such a blur. I started bleeding heavy late on a Monday night. I waited for a call from the emergency on call doctor. Because I was not in much pain, and because you were so young, there was nothing that could be done. I could only go to the doctor's office every other day for blood draws. Those blood draw readings would rip my heart open more as I listened to how quickly I was loosing you.
I cried every time I used the bathroom. You deserved more than to be flushed down the toilet. I looked for you in clots of tissue. I know you were there, and I will always regret not being able to do something more.
I spent some time angry at God, as you know. Not just because you died, but because I didn't get much time to get to know you. I don't know what it is like to feel you move. I don't know what it is like to hold you in my arms. I don't know what it is like to kiss your sweet face. I had that time with Riley.
I feel as if so much more was taken from me when you died. I feel as though I am more lost for not knowing you, than knowing you and loosing you.
You will always be our third son. You will always be my third pregnancy. You will always be my gift from God. I will always love you.
I believe it was an angel that God sent in my dream to prepare me for you. I know God knew that I would need to name you to feel as though we had more of a connection than just 7 brief weeks.
I know you and Riley are watching us now. For that I am grateful and blessed! I do not know if your sibling I am carrying now will come home to live with us or go Home to live with you. You will be an amazing older brother either way!
I look forward to the day I come Home to meet you.
Until then my sweet son, I will do my best to make you proud and follow God's plan for my life on Earth.
Love,
Momma
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Cautiously Optimistic
Yes, you could say I am cautiously optimistic. You could also say that I am excited, nervous, protective, worried, emotional, and 4 weeks pregnant!
After Gabriel I heard many people tell me that I should have waited 12 weeks to share. But why? I mentioned in my blog announcement about Gabriel that we would share no matter what happened. Keeping my child's death a secret was not an option for me then. And, should God take this child home before I meet he or she, it won't change the option now.
Why shouldn't I be excited? The minute a test finally displays a positive pregnancy and a doctor confirms it, I have another child! I am the mother of 4 children! Why shouldn't I be nervous? Gabriel went to Heaven after only 7 short weeks. Riley went to Heaven after 37 short weeks. My excitement could easily turn to grief. But, in my experience, waiting 12 weeks until a pregnancy is deemed "viable" or more "safe" does not deem it more viable or safe.
So rather than hide in my pregnancy secret for another 8 weeks, I will share now. There is no shame in sharing early. There is no shame in sharing late. There was a time where I thought, "I am not announcing my next pregnancy until I deliver." But as scared as I am, God is with me and letting my excitement outweigh my fear. And, why shouldn't I share this child's life now rather than have to announce the death before the life should that time come? If this child were to pass, I would grieve just as much sharing as not sharing. With the losses in our past, it would be normal for us to keep it a secret. However, knowing all the love and support we have had and continue to receive, we do not want to.
My husband is also cautiously optimistic. He wanted to wait until my blood results from Friday, compared to Wednesday, showed a viable pregnancy. I did not want to wait and as I mentioned earlier, I don't want an announcement Monday to read that I am pregnant but losing another one.
I can honestly say that I do not know what the nurse will call to tell me Monday. But I do know that no matter what, I am grateful for this life inside of me and the opportunity to have 4 children.
I do know that another loss could take me down again. But whenever I have been down, I have had enough prayers and support that help lift me up again. For that I am thankful and blessed!
After Gabriel I heard many people tell me that I should have waited 12 weeks to share. But why? I mentioned in my blog announcement about Gabriel that we would share no matter what happened. Keeping my child's death a secret was not an option for me then. And, should God take this child home before I meet he or she, it won't change the option now.
Why shouldn't I be excited? The minute a test finally displays a positive pregnancy and a doctor confirms it, I have another child! I am the mother of 4 children! Why shouldn't I be nervous? Gabriel went to Heaven after only 7 short weeks. Riley went to Heaven after 37 short weeks. My excitement could easily turn to grief. But, in my experience, waiting 12 weeks until a pregnancy is deemed "viable" or more "safe" does not deem it more viable or safe.
So rather than hide in my pregnancy secret for another 8 weeks, I will share now. There is no shame in sharing early. There is no shame in sharing late. There was a time where I thought, "I am not announcing my next pregnancy until I deliver." But as scared as I am, God is with me and letting my excitement outweigh my fear. And, why shouldn't I share this child's life now rather than have to announce the death before the life should that time come? If this child were to pass, I would grieve just as much sharing as not sharing. With the losses in our past, it would be normal for us to keep it a secret. However, knowing all the love and support we have had and continue to receive, we do not want to.
My husband is also cautiously optimistic. He wanted to wait until my blood results from Friday, compared to Wednesday, showed a viable pregnancy. I did not want to wait and as I mentioned earlier, I don't want an announcement Monday to read that I am pregnant but losing another one.
I can honestly say that I do not know what the nurse will call to tell me Monday. But I do know that no matter what, I am grateful for this life inside of me and the opportunity to have 4 children.
I do know that another loss could take me down again. But whenever I have been down, I have had enough prayers and support that help lift me up again. For that I am thankful and blessed!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Secondary Infertility
To all the women who have tried and tried and tried without success to get the positive sign on a pregnancy test:
To all the women who have tried and tried and paid a lot of money to have a child only to loose it during pregnancy or shortly after birth:
To all the women who had a baby and then kept experiencing loss or no more positive pregnancy tests:
I am so sorry for ALL that you have been through!
"Trying is the fun part"
"It will happen"
"When are you going to have a baby?"
"When are you going to have another child?"
All those phrases are like a knife to the heart and another punch in the gut.
Although we were blessed as a surprise with Riley and then only 3 months after loosing him got blessed with Nehemiah, I have experienced some secondary infertility that has required me to be treated by a fertility specialist. This is not a short, easy, or cheap process.
We decided to wait until Nehemiah was a year old to start trying again. Then we tried, and tried, and tried. My periods returned after the year, but had become normal to me, but have been that way for over a year now so it has become my new normal. I met with a new OBGYN who has privileges at the hospital I want to always deliver at. It was a pleasant meeting and I expressed my concerns. She agreed that after 6 months of active trying and using an Ovulation Kit, we would need to begin testing. 6 months came, and the tests began. I had ultrasounds and blood work. But then, suddenly, to my surprise and excitement, we had a positive pregnancy test in late July after our 7th month of trying. I declined blood work to make sure levels were rising. Mostly I declined because I didn't want to make the drive to Nashville and take time off of work. I was sure everything would be fine. But, on the 7th week I started bleeding. I lost Gabriel. I was heartbroken and angered. I really didn't want to have to try again. Trying had become a chore and was not fun. But, we did try. We were told we could try right away. Sometimes a women is more fertile after a pregnancy. 4 more months went by. We were referred to a fertility clinic. More tests, more discussions, and I began acupuncture. During that time I also learned from my hairstylist that I was shedding more than normal and I should have my thyroid checked. Thyroid!? It was fine because I was having all the tests and thyroid issues can cause fertility problems and miscarriages so if it was not normal my doctor would have told me, right? Wrong! I called to find out what my level was and I had a voicemail saying that they never checked my thyroid and I may want to have it checked! I was angry! The doctor's office did not say to come in, we need to test it. They did not apologize for not testing it before or give a reason. Just told me to get it checked! I reached out to my maternal fetal specialist from my past pregnancies and she agreed to test it. Sure enough I have hypothyroidism. I cannot help but wonder if many of the issues in the past year would have been resolved if my thyroid had been checked much sooner!
Fast forward to now me being on medication (which dose has been increased due to my levels being too high on a low dose of Synthroid). And still doing more testing.
For those who are "trying" I am including this buzz feed video link that helped me find humor in the trying part. I hope you can successfully watch the video from the link. If not, look for it on Buzzfeed!
http://www.familyfriendlyhq.ie/family-blog/make-a-baby--funny-video-uncovers-the-wacky-world-of-trying-to-conceive
To all the women who have tried and tried and paid a lot of money to have a child only to loose it during pregnancy or shortly after birth:
To all the women who had a baby and then kept experiencing loss or no more positive pregnancy tests:
I am so sorry for ALL that you have been through!
"Trying is the fun part"
"It will happen"
"When are you going to have a baby?"
"When are you going to have another child?"
All those phrases are like a knife to the heart and another punch in the gut.
Although we were blessed as a surprise with Riley and then only 3 months after loosing him got blessed with Nehemiah, I have experienced some secondary infertility that has required me to be treated by a fertility specialist. This is not a short, easy, or cheap process.
We decided to wait until Nehemiah was a year old to start trying again. Then we tried, and tried, and tried. My periods returned after the year, but had become normal to me, but have been that way for over a year now so it has become my new normal. I met with a new OBGYN who has privileges at the hospital I want to always deliver at. It was a pleasant meeting and I expressed my concerns. She agreed that after 6 months of active trying and using an Ovulation Kit, we would need to begin testing. 6 months came, and the tests began. I had ultrasounds and blood work. But then, suddenly, to my surprise and excitement, we had a positive pregnancy test in late July after our 7th month of trying. I declined blood work to make sure levels were rising. Mostly I declined because I didn't want to make the drive to Nashville and take time off of work. I was sure everything would be fine. But, on the 7th week I started bleeding. I lost Gabriel. I was heartbroken and angered. I really didn't want to have to try again. Trying had become a chore and was not fun. But, we did try. We were told we could try right away. Sometimes a women is more fertile after a pregnancy. 4 more months went by. We were referred to a fertility clinic. More tests, more discussions, and I began acupuncture. During that time I also learned from my hairstylist that I was shedding more than normal and I should have my thyroid checked. Thyroid!? It was fine because I was having all the tests and thyroid issues can cause fertility problems and miscarriages so if it was not normal my doctor would have told me, right? Wrong! I called to find out what my level was and I had a voicemail saying that they never checked my thyroid and I may want to have it checked! I was angry! The doctor's office did not say to come in, we need to test it. They did not apologize for not testing it before or give a reason. Just told me to get it checked! I reached out to my maternal fetal specialist from my past pregnancies and she agreed to test it. Sure enough I have hypothyroidism. I cannot help but wonder if many of the issues in the past year would have been resolved if my thyroid had been checked much sooner!
Fast forward to now me being on medication (which dose has been increased due to my levels being too high on a low dose of Synthroid). And still doing more testing.
For those who are "trying" I am including this buzz feed video link that helped me find humor in the trying part. I hope you can successfully watch the video from the link. If not, look for it on Buzzfeed!
http://www.familyfriendlyhq.ie/family-blog/make-a-baby--funny-video-uncovers-the-wacky-world-of-trying-to-conceive
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Looking in the mirror
I have not felt much like blogging this past year. I do get ideas or things I believe I should share, but I have not felt like taking the time to sit an write. Lately, I have felt more called to blog. I pray that God speaks through me the next few weeks and months as I start to blog some more of my recent thoughts and feelings. After all, I feel it is God telling me to do it again.
I have also been avoiding Facebook. I was going to delete my account, but my loving and supportive husband told me to keep it to post my blogs to because he believes they help some women. I believe lately, that the help has been for women to know when to walk on the other side of the street when they see me!
When tragedy strikes your life, it is difficult to keep emotions in check. When your life doesn't go as you plan, it is easy to let the darker emotions surface and to move in on more of a permanent basis. I believe it is normal to have those dark emotions and to experience them. However, they should only vacation and not take over residence. This past year I have been let my dark emotions purchase a condo in my life. The past few weeks I have been battling over the residence and evicting them...but it will take time.
I thought loosing Riley was the most difficult thing we would experience. It was not. Loosing Gabriel was a whole new type of loss and one in which I felt like I didn't get the closure I needed because I did not get to see or hold him. I lost him over toilets for a week. I thought maybe losing Gabriel was now the most difficult thing I would experience. It was not.
The most difficult thing I experienced was looking in the mirror at the person I was becoming and realize that is not who God wanted me to be. That was not who Riley or Gabriel wanted me to be. That was not who I want Andrew or Nehemiah to see everyday. Don't get me wrong, losing Riley and Gabriel hurts everyday like no other hurt I have ever felt,. But knowing I was hurting the One who created me, who gave me my beautiful children, that was difficult to face. It is normal to be angry, to be jealous. Those feelings will always be there, I am human. However, how can God make beautiful things out of me if I am making more of a mess.
What brought me to this mess you might ask? Well, MY plan of having 4 children. MY plan of getting pregnant again when Nehemiah was 1. MY plan of Riley being my only story to share. MY plans have not gone as you guessed it....planned. There is still more to my story and not being sure where to go next has been making it easier to go back, to go to the darkness. To hide and be angry. Andrew and I are now experiencing secondary infertility. My story is adapting and I cannot rip the pages out because I do not like it. I can only edit the ending and maybe a few in between chapters. If my life were to end tomorrow, I do not want the person I was a few weeks ago to be who I am remembered as. My life, my motherhood journey will not be an easy story. I should have learned that during our first ultrasound of Riley.
For now I will end with this, but I will be writing more very soon: if you are like me and struggling to find the purpose in your journey. Please listen to the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Pray through and sing through the song and let it speak to you like it has been speaking to me, especially today.
I have also been avoiding Facebook. I was going to delete my account, but my loving and supportive husband told me to keep it to post my blogs to because he believes they help some women. I believe lately, that the help has been for women to know when to walk on the other side of the street when they see me!
When tragedy strikes your life, it is difficult to keep emotions in check. When your life doesn't go as you plan, it is easy to let the darker emotions surface and to move in on more of a permanent basis. I believe it is normal to have those dark emotions and to experience them. However, they should only vacation and not take over residence. This past year I have been let my dark emotions purchase a condo in my life. The past few weeks I have been battling over the residence and evicting them...but it will take time.
I thought loosing Riley was the most difficult thing we would experience. It was not. Loosing Gabriel was a whole new type of loss and one in which I felt like I didn't get the closure I needed because I did not get to see or hold him. I lost him over toilets for a week. I thought maybe losing Gabriel was now the most difficult thing I would experience. It was not.
The most difficult thing I experienced was looking in the mirror at the person I was becoming and realize that is not who God wanted me to be. That was not who Riley or Gabriel wanted me to be. That was not who I want Andrew or Nehemiah to see everyday. Don't get me wrong, losing Riley and Gabriel hurts everyday like no other hurt I have ever felt,. But knowing I was hurting the One who created me, who gave me my beautiful children, that was difficult to face. It is normal to be angry, to be jealous. Those feelings will always be there, I am human. However, how can God make beautiful things out of me if I am making more of a mess.
What brought me to this mess you might ask? Well, MY plan of having 4 children. MY plan of getting pregnant again when Nehemiah was 1. MY plan of Riley being my only story to share. MY plans have not gone as you guessed it....planned. There is still more to my story and not being sure where to go next has been making it easier to go back, to go to the darkness. To hide and be angry. Andrew and I are now experiencing secondary infertility. My story is adapting and I cannot rip the pages out because I do not like it. I can only edit the ending and maybe a few in between chapters. If my life were to end tomorrow, I do not want the person I was a few weeks ago to be who I am remembered as. My life, my motherhood journey will not be an easy story. I should have learned that during our first ultrasound of Riley.
For now I will end with this, but I will be writing more very soon: if you are like me and struggling to find the purpose in your journey. Please listen to the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Pray through and sing through the song and let it speak to you like it has been speaking to me, especially today.
Monday, October 5, 2015
October
October 2015
Here we are again, another October in which Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness will flood my mind, mouth, and Facebook page.
This October, I have 2 children I remember and honor.
This year, we will be using the words "I Break The Silence" on our t-shirts for our candlelight ceremony on October 15th. You may see things this month, or even other times, that say "I am 1 in 4". The statistic is that 1 in 4 women will have a pregnancy or infant loss.
This month, if you are someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, or you know someone who has, please look into local events for October 15th. Sometimes, there are events on other days held by other Angel Moms or hospitals or other organizations.
If you know someone who has experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, and you want to do something for them, I will include a few organizations in which you can financially donate in memory of that child. Make sure you use the child's name if the parent/s did name the child. If they did not, you can let them know that you donated in memory of their baby. Please do not just say "Sorry for your loss" when you are doing a donation. Also, you could write the parent/s a letter, send them a message, mail them a card. In your writing, mention their child's name. When a parent has a child, that parent tries their best to protect their child. When a parent has a loss, those who are ready, protect their child's memory. We love to hear and see our boys' names! We just bought an ornament for Gabriel to hang on our tree. I learned that my neighbor who made Riley and Nehemiah's stockings will be making one for Gabriel. The times that I have read Riley's names on paper were so precious to me. I won't get to write it or see it as often as I will Nehemiah's so every little mention is blessing to me.
Also, you could send a letter or card to the grandparents, aunts/uncles, siblings of the lost baby/infant as well. Many parents I have spoken with after their loss ask me if it is normal to console their friends and family more than they are being consoled. It is normal. I think God gives us the peace when we need it so in those moments we can help be strength for our friends/family.
Organizations to donate to or ideas for gifts:
1. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - this wonderful organization sends photographers to the hospital, if the baby was at least 21 weeks in utero, to take photos at no charge.
2. Molly Bears - this beautiful gesture is a bear made with symbols to remember the child at the weight the child was when he/she was lost. There is a minimal fee to pay to be put on a list and you can only join the list on the 30th of each month. And, only the mother may sign up if I remember correctly. But they make and mail the bears off of donations after that. I am currently on the waiting list.
3. NICU Helping Hands Angel Gown Program - this fantastic organization turns wedding gowns into free gowns for photos and burial services for lost babies. They work off of financial donations as well as donations of wedding dresses and volunteer seamstresses (which they need more of, if I ready correctly).
4. Mail a copy of "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" to me and I will give it to my friend collecting them to give to local hospitals. Or mail a copy to a mom who has had a loss, even if the loss was 20 years ago. Put a note on the inside "In memory of .....". Or, take some to your local hospital.
5. Get on Etsy or shop for a candle with the child's name on it. Give it to the parent or grandparents to light at 7pm on October 15th, or whenever they want to.
6. Get on the website, october15th.com, go the the "Shop Our Store" tab and buy something for the parent/s.
7. Give a necklace or bracelet with the child's name on it.
There are lots of other organizations and groups you can donate to. You can always ask the parent/s too how they would like their child to be remembered.
Here we are again, another October in which Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness will flood my mind, mouth, and Facebook page.
This October, I have 2 children I remember and honor.
This year, we will be using the words "I Break The Silence" on our t-shirts for our candlelight ceremony on October 15th. You may see things this month, or even other times, that say "I am 1 in 4". The statistic is that 1 in 4 women will have a pregnancy or infant loss.
This month, if you are someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, or you know someone who has, please look into local events for October 15th. Sometimes, there are events on other days held by other Angel Moms or hospitals or other organizations.
If you know someone who has experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, and you want to do something for them, I will include a few organizations in which you can financially donate in memory of that child. Make sure you use the child's name if the parent/s did name the child. If they did not, you can let them know that you donated in memory of their baby. Please do not just say "Sorry for your loss" when you are doing a donation. Also, you could write the parent/s a letter, send them a message, mail them a card. In your writing, mention their child's name. When a parent has a child, that parent tries their best to protect their child. When a parent has a loss, those who are ready, protect their child's memory. We love to hear and see our boys' names! We just bought an ornament for Gabriel to hang on our tree. I learned that my neighbor who made Riley and Nehemiah's stockings will be making one for Gabriel. The times that I have read Riley's names on paper were so precious to me. I won't get to write it or see it as often as I will Nehemiah's so every little mention is blessing to me.
Also, you could send a letter or card to the grandparents, aunts/uncles, siblings of the lost baby/infant as well. Many parents I have spoken with after their loss ask me if it is normal to console their friends and family more than they are being consoled. It is normal. I think God gives us the peace when we need it so in those moments we can help be strength for our friends/family.
Organizations to donate to or ideas for gifts:
1. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - this wonderful organization sends photographers to the hospital, if the baby was at least 21 weeks in utero, to take photos at no charge.
2. Molly Bears - this beautiful gesture is a bear made with symbols to remember the child at the weight the child was when he/she was lost. There is a minimal fee to pay to be put on a list and you can only join the list on the 30th of each month. And, only the mother may sign up if I remember correctly. But they make and mail the bears off of donations after that. I am currently on the waiting list.
3. NICU Helping Hands Angel Gown Program - this fantastic organization turns wedding gowns into free gowns for photos and burial services for lost babies. They work off of financial donations as well as donations of wedding dresses and volunteer seamstresses (which they need more of, if I ready correctly).
4. Mail a copy of "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" to me and I will give it to my friend collecting them to give to local hospitals. Or mail a copy to a mom who has had a loss, even if the loss was 20 years ago. Put a note on the inside "In memory of .....". Or, take some to your local hospital.
5. Get on Etsy or shop for a candle with the child's name on it. Give it to the parent or grandparents to light at 7pm on October 15th, or whenever they want to.
6. Get on the website, october15th.com, go the the "Shop Our Store" tab and buy something for the parent/s.
7. Give a necklace or bracelet with the child's name on it.
There are lots of other organizations and groups you can donate to. You can always ask the parent/s too how they would like their child to be remembered.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
I did not miscarry
Many of you know that we had a 7 week pregnancy lost just last week. I spent that week awaiting test results to find out if the bleeding and cramping I was experiencing were in fact the baby passing or just a medical concern during a viable pregnancy. The results came in and my pregnancy hormone levels were drastically dropping. It was time to say goodbye. This happened just as quickly as we were learning to say hello.
I read an article somewhere on Facebook or Pinterest…that week was such a blur. It was by an OBGYN who said that he never tells a patient that she miscarried or that she was having a stillborn baby. He would tell his patients that they were having pregnancy losses and infant deaths. This physician said he learned throughout his years that mothers wanted the life they had lost acknowledged and if he worded it differently, they felt that their child was being honored for the life they had.
This was difficult for me. Riley would be an infant loss, but I want to raise awareness on stillbirth so badly that I do not think I will drop that term for awhile. I may start interchanging it. However, I do like the thought of saying I had a pregnancy loss rather than a miscarriage.
I did not miscarry our third child. It took me a long time to fight the enemy out of my head for what I did wrong with Riley. I will not let the enemy in by using a term that sounds like I did something wrong. I will not go into the dark months like I did with Riley. I had 7 months with Riley and only 7 weeks with this baby, whom I believe was a boy and we have named Gabriel. Each was a loss we experienced. Each loss gives me different feelings. But both losses were my children and I will honor them the best that I know how.
Only God knows why Gabriel needed to go home so early. I do wish I could have had more weeks with him, even if it was to say goodbye. I feel like I was cheated with Gabriel. I do not have ultrasounds. I never heard his heart beat. I never felt him kick. My belly had already begun stretching out and I am fighting to fit into clothes that fit 4 weeks ago.
I did not miscarry Gabriel. I took the vitamins and medicines required. I started paying more attention to what I was eating and what I was doing. Gabriel was not meant to live here with us. Riley is continuing to fulfill his big brother role. Now our Nehemiah is a big brother too. This is part of God's plan and our healing this time will be too.
I have a few ideas I am working on to help honor our children that our gone too soon, especially through pregnancy losses, both early and full term. I will use the anger of the pain from my own losses and the anger I get when I hear of other mother's having losses to give life to my ideas.
Some women may say that the have had a miscarriage, but for me, I had a pregnancy loss. Actually, I have had 2. I had one at 37 weeks and another at 7 weeks. And, the reality is, this may not be the end of our losses. If our loss story/journey continue, I will continue to praise God and fight the enemy and it is only by others praying for us that we gain more strength to live with our heads up and share with others how we survive.
I read an article somewhere on Facebook or Pinterest…that week was such a blur. It was by an OBGYN who said that he never tells a patient that she miscarried or that she was having a stillborn baby. He would tell his patients that they were having pregnancy losses and infant deaths. This physician said he learned throughout his years that mothers wanted the life they had lost acknowledged and if he worded it differently, they felt that their child was being honored for the life they had.
This was difficult for me. Riley would be an infant loss, but I want to raise awareness on stillbirth so badly that I do not think I will drop that term for awhile. I may start interchanging it. However, I do like the thought of saying I had a pregnancy loss rather than a miscarriage.
I did not miscarry our third child. It took me a long time to fight the enemy out of my head for what I did wrong with Riley. I will not let the enemy in by using a term that sounds like I did something wrong. I will not go into the dark months like I did with Riley. I had 7 months with Riley and only 7 weeks with this baby, whom I believe was a boy and we have named Gabriel. Each was a loss we experienced. Each loss gives me different feelings. But both losses were my children and I will honor them the best that I know how.
Only God knows why Gabriel needed to go home so early. I do wish I could have had more weeks with him, even if it was to say goodbye. I feel like I was cheated with Gabriel. I do not have ultrasounds. I never heard his heart beat. I never felt him kick. My belly had already begun stretching out and I am fighting to fit into clothes that fit 4 weeks ago.
I did not miscarry Gabriel. I took the vitamins and medicines required. I started paying more attention to what I was eating and what I was doing. Gabriel was not meant to live here with us. Riley is continuing to fulfill his big brother role. Now our Nehemiah is a big brother too. This is part of God's plan and our healing this time will be too.
I have a few ideas I am working on to help honor our children that our gone too soon, especially through pregnancy losses, both early and full term. I will use the anger of the pain from my own losses and the anger I get when I hear of other mother's having losses to give life to my ideas.
Some women may say that the have had a miscarriage, but for me, I had a pregnancy loss. Actually, I have had 2. I had one at 37 weeks and another at 7 weeks. And, the reality is, this may not be the end of our losses. If our loss story/journey continue, I will continue to praise God and fight the enemy and it is only by others praying for us that we gain more strength to live with our heads up and share with others how we survive.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Baby #3....did we announce too early?
Many of you may have been shocked by our announcement, especially when you found out I am only 5 weeks pregnant. I would like to share my thoughts on our announcement.
Being a mother has been a dream of mine for many years. As time went on I wasn't sure it was going to happen. Loosing Riley definitely changed me, changed my perspective, and made me more cautious and aware of the reality of pregnancy and loss.
You can read back to one of my previous blogs in which I documented the entire pregnancy with Nehemiah. After Nehemiah, I thought the next time I would wait the 12 weeks in which miscarriage rates are less and share.
But, time passed and we had trouble getting pregnant. Some of it was stress....I can stress myself out very easily. Some of it was family or business situations that would prevent intimacy from when it was needed most. I worried more of it was my age and MTFHR. We visited the doctor a couple times. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. So far, they could not see anything wrong with why we were having trouble. This month I was suppose to go for another blood test, and if that came back positive it was Andrew's turn. I swore it was me. Something was wrong with me. I told Andrew we needed to adopt and I started to let the depression that has never completely left me swallow me whole.
Then, but an act of God...Andrew would agree...I didn't feel right one week. Ever since my periods returned after Riley I would spot leading up to them. This particular week I did not. This particular week my pants didn't fit. This particular week my boobs would not stay in my bra. And this particular week I was more tired then ever but had this odd sense of joy trying to push out my depression. So, like all the months before in which I was sure I was pregnant I took a test. But I took this test after work. And, like all the months before I sat there and yelled at God for not making me pregnant, although I knew this month it would be a miracle since I didn't let Andrew touch me much and the mood I was in, I couldn't blame him for not trying harder. And there it was...a faint line that I could see after I dug the test back out of the trash and shined it in the right lighting. "Ugh, Angie! Get a grip!" I thought to myself. So I tucked the test away and continued to let that joy push out the anger, push away some depression. Later that night I decided to tell Andrew what I did. Of course he was skeptical and didn't say much.
The next day, I ran to the drug store over lunch and took another test. I took a minute test this time because I was too anxious to wait 3 minutes. There was another line, slightly darker but still faint. I was excited! I was for sure that I was pregnant. Andrew looked at the test and showed a little excitement but still some caution.
Then, I waited the 48 hours and took a test at home with the morning urine as the instructions say is best. And there, in all its glory were 2 bright pink lines! Andrew was as excited as I was! There was no doubting or questioning the lines for this test!
I called my doctor's office and they confirmed my good fortune. In the past I had to go for blood work, but we are cash paying and this office said unless I wanted to drive to Nashville 2 days this week, they did not see any reason for it unless I started bleeding or cramping or really not feeling well.
So, I will wait, I will pray, and I believe this is the 3rd child that God has blessed us with. Will I carry this child to term and deliver a healthy baby like Nehemiah? I do not know. Will this pregnancy be easier and not result in pre-eclampsia? I do not know.
What I do know is that I am pregnant. I do know that we go in September for our first ultrasound and exam. I do know the reality of not finding a heartbeat at that visit. I do know the reality of hearing a nice, fast "pub-dub". I know that many women who have experienced a loss do not share early like we have. I know that many women who have not had a loss do not share so early like we have. But I do know that for me, I am excited, and I will blog and talk about this child no matter the outcome. I pray that God lets us bring this child home to raise, but I also pray that if it is not His will that He helps me continue to work for Him until the day I get to see my babies in Heaven.
So yes, I am only 5 weeks pregnant at this point. But what a blessed 5 weeks it has been! You can ask Andrew and he will tell you how this has helped bring me out of my pit of grief! Each month the test was negative and my period returned was like a loss of Riley all over again. I miss being pregnant because while I am pregnant I feel more connected to Riley than any other days of my life!
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you and for all your thoughts and prayers and well wishes!
Being a mother has been a dream of mine for many years. As time went on I wasn't sure it was going to happen. Loosing Riley definitely changed me, changed my perspective, and made me more cautious and aware of the reality of pregnancy and loss.
You can read back to one of my previous blogs in which I documented the entire pregnancy with Nehemiah. After Nehemiah, I thought the next time I would wait the 12 weeks in which miscarriage rates are less and share.
But, time passed and we had trouble getting pregnant. Some of it was stress....I can stress myself out very easily. Some of it was family or business situations that would prevent intimacy from when it was needed most. I worried more of it was my age and MTFHR. We visited the doctor a couple times. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. So far, they could not see anything wrong with why we were having trouble. This month I was suppose to go for another blood test, and if that came back positive it was Andrew's turn. I swore it was me. Something was wrong with me. I told Andrew we needed to adopt and I started to let the depression that has never completely left me swallow me whole.
Then, but an act of God...Andrew would agree...I didn't feel right one week. Ever since my periods returned after Riley I would spot leading up to them. This particular week I did not. This particular week my pants didn't fit. This particular week my boobs would not stay in my bra. And this particular week I was more tired then ever but had this odd sense of joy trying to push out my depression. So, like all the months before in which I was sure I was pregnant I took a test. But I took this test after work. And, like all the months before I sat there and yelled at God for not making me pregnant, although I knew this month it would be a miracle since I didn't let Andrew touch me much and the mood I was in, I couldn't blame him for not trying harder. And there it was...a faint line that I could see after I dug the test back out of the trash and shined it in the right lighting. "Ugh, Angie! Get a grip!" I thought to myself. So I tucked the test away and continued to let that joy push out the anger, push away some depression. Later that night I decided to tell Andrew what I did. Of course he was skeptical and didn't say much.
The next day, I ran to the drug store over lunch and took another test. I took a minute test this time because I was too anxious to wait 3 minutes. There was another line, slightly darker but still faint. I was excited! I was for sure that I was pregnant. Andrew looked at the test and showed a little excitement but still some caution.
Then, I waited the 48 hours and took a test at home with the morning urine as the instructions say is best. And there, in all its glory were 2 bright pink lines! Andrew was as excited as I was! There was no doubting or questioning the lines for this test!
I called my doctor's office and they confirmed my good fortune. In the past I had to go for blood work, but we are cash paying and this office said unless I wanted to drive to Nashville 2 days this week, they did not see any reason for it unless I started bleeding or cramping or really not feeling well.
So, I will wait, I will pray, and I believe this is the 3rd child that God has blessed us with. Will I carry this child to term and deliver a healthy baby like Nehemiah? I do not know. Will this pregnancy be easier and not result in pre-eclampsia? I do not know.
What I do know is that I am pregnant. I do know that we go in September for our first ultrasound and exam. I do know the reality of not finding a heartbeat at that visit. I do know the reality of hearing a nice, fast "pub-dub". I know that many women who have experienced a loss do not share early like we have. I know that many women who have not had a loss do not share so early like we have. But I do know that for me, I am excited, and I will blog and talk about this child no matter the outcome. I pray that God lets us bring this child home to raise, but I also pray that if it is not His will that He helps me continue to work for Him until the day I get to see my babies in Heaven.
So yes, I am only 5 weeks pregnant at this point. But what a blessed 5 weeks it has been! You can ask Andrew and he will tell you how this has helped bring me out of my pit of grief! Each month the test was negative and my period returned was like a loss of Riley all over again. I miss being pregnant because while I am pregnant I feel more connected to Riley than any other days of my life!
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you and for all your thoughts and prayers and well wishes!
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