I have not felt much like blogging this past year. I do get ideas or things I believe I should share, but I have not felt like taking the time to sit an write. Lately, I have felt more called to blog. I pray that God speaks through me the next few weeks and months as I start to blog some more of my recent thoughts and feelings. After all, I feel it is God telling me to do it again.
I have also been avoiding Facebook. I was going to delete my account, but my loving and supportive husband told me to keep it to post my blogs to because he believes they help some women. I believe lately, that the help has been for women to know when to walk on the other side of the street when they see me!
When tragedy strikes your life, it is difficult to keep emotions in check. When your life doesn't go as you plan, it is easy to let the darker emotions surface and to move in on more of a permanent basis. I believe it is normal to have those dark emotions and to experience them. However, they should only vacation and not take over residence. This past year I have been let my dark emotions purchase a condo in my life. The past few weeks I have been battling over the residence and evicting them...but it will take time.
I thought loosing Riley was the most difficult thing we would experience. It was not. Loosing Gabriel was a whole new type of loss and one in which I felt like I didn't get the closure I needed because I did not get to see or hold him. I lost him over toilets for a week. I thought maybe losing Gabriel was now the most difficult thing I would experience. It was not.
The most difficult thing I experienced was looking in the mirror at the person I was becoming and realize that is not who God wanted me to be. That was not who Riley or Gabriel wanted me to be. That was not who I want Andrew or Nehemiah to see everyday. Don't get me wrong, losing Riley and Gabriel hurts everyday like no other hurt I have ever felt,. But knowing I was hurting the One who created me, who gave me my beautiful children, that was difficult to face. It is normal to be angry, to be jealous. Those feelings will always be there, I am human. However, how can God make beautiful things out of me if I am making more of a mess.
What brought me to this mess you might ask? Well, MY plan of having 4 children. MY plan of getting pregnant again when Nehemiah was 1. MY plan of Riley being my only story to share. MY plans have not gone as you guessed it....planned. There is still more to my story and not being sure where to go next has been making it easier to go back, to go to the darkness. To hide and be angry. Andrew and I are now experiencing secondary infertility. My story is adapting and I cannot rip the pages out because I do not like it. I can only edit the ending and maybe a few in between chapters. If my life were to end tomorrow, I do not want the person I was a few weeks ago to be who I am remembered as. My life, my motherhood journey will not be an easy story. I should have learned that during our first ultrasound of Riley.
For now I will end with this, but I will be writing more very soon: if you are like me and struggling to find the purpose in your journey. Please listen to the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Pray through and sing through the song and let it speak to you like it has been speaking to me, especially today.
Angie I also have lost 2 babies by miscarriage and reading this blog has made me realize I never named them.. I believe this is due to the fact that back when I lost them I didn't even know the sex of them or why.. I know the first time when I was 16 it was a very difficult situation all around because I was so young and of course my family was disappointed in me.. but that never meant I didn't still feel like a mom at 16 and grieve that child... although I had to do it on my own hiding from everyone else.. I believe I remember hearing Daves mom saying it was a boy but being only like 11 weeks along I don't know how she would have even known that.. also the fact she wasn't at the hospital when it happened and no Dr ever told me that.. my second miscarriage was in 1996 6 months before I got pregnant with Justin my now 18 year old.. I believe I was also around 11 weeks.. and at that point we didn't know the sex either so again no names.. in my heart they are called my angels... I have never experienced what u have with Riley and can not even imagine what that is like.. my heart aches for u as u go thru this... I pray that u find some peace in waiting to become pregnant again.. as u know I am not as religious as u r but I do know that there are reasons for everything even tho we may not want to see them... so let go and let God... it will happen... I love u with all my heart and have gotten a blessing tonight as I read your blog and remember my 2 angels.. cousin Dee Dee
ReplyDeleteDee Dee, it helped me to name Gabriel. I have heard from other women who decided to name their babies years later, there is not a time limit. I think of you and your angels often! Love you!
DeleteI know you feel darkness has overtaken you, but I see light. I see the vulnerability and courage it had to have taken you to write this, which will undoubtedly inspire and comfort others. Derek and I struggled with infertility for years and I had almost given up hope when we finally got pregnant, only to have a miscarriage later on and I didn't think I could move past it. I can't even fathom what all you and Andrew have gone through, but I am in awe of your unfailing trust and faith. I don't know why God has chosen this path for you, but please know we are here for you and are only a call away. Thank you for sharing your heart. ❤️
ReplyDeleteAngie, I waited for my rainbow baby for almost 4 years. During that time, there were many nights I would stay awake to read your blog. I can't tell you how much you helped me through that time and we don't even know eachother. I am so sorry you are having to go through any of this. I understand completely that after losing your boys, infertility is a whole new kind of pain. But you are amazing. You have lots of people praying for you, and you have made a difference in the lives of so many people by sharing your story.
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