Dear Gabriel

Dear Gabriel,

I knew your name before I knew of you! I had a dream in which a woman I had never seen before visited me and told me that I would be having a boy and I should name him Gabriel. The next day, I took a test that was a very faint positive…in fact, I took 2 tests just to be sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me.

It was on that day I fell in love with you. It was on that day that I also knew that my time with you would be short. I had an inkling that you would pass before me. I wanted to believe it was the fear I will always fight in pregnancy. A week before you passed, my feeling became stronger and my heart was broken. I knew I would not have the time with you I prayed for on Earth. I was scared to love you more, and yet, as each day passed, I did. I still do!

The week you died is one that I will never forget, and yet one that is such a blur. I started bleeding heavy late on a Monday night. I waited for a call from the emergency on call doctor. Because I was not in much pain, and because you were so young, there was nothing that could be done. I could only go to the doctor's office every other day for blood draws. Those blood draw readings would rip my heart open more as I listened to how quickly I was loosing you.

I cried every time I used the bathroom. You deserved more than to be flushed down the toilet. I looked for you in clots of tissue. I know you were there, and I will always regret not being able to do something more.

I spent some time angry at God, as you know. Not just because you died, but because I didn't get much time to get to know you. I don't know what it is like to feel you move. I don't know what it is like to hold you in my arms. I don't know what it is like to kiss your sweet face. I had that time with Riley.

I feel as if so much more was taken from me when you died. I feel as though I am more lost for not knowing you, than knowing you and loosing you.

You will always be our third son. You will always be my third pregnancy. You will always be my gift from God. I will always love you.

I believe it was an angel that God sent in my dream to prepare me for you. I know God knew that I would need to name you to feel as though we had more of a connection than just 7 brief weeks.

I know you and Riley are watching us now. For that I am grateful and blessed! I do not know if your sibling I am carrying now will come home to live with us or go Home to live with you. You will be an amazing older brother either way!

I look forward to the day I come Home to meet you.

Until then my sweet son, I will do my best to make you proud and follow God's plan for my life on Earth.

Love,

Momma