Cautiously Optimistic

Yes, you could say I am cautiously optimistic.  You could also say that I am excited, nervous, protective, worried, emotional, and 4 weeks pregnant!

After Gabriel I heard many people tell me that I should have waited 12 weeks to share. But why? I mentioned in my blog announcement about Gabriel that we would share no matter what happened. Keeping my child's death a secret was not an option for me then. And, should God take this child home before I meet he or she, it won't change the option now.

Why shouldn't I be excited? The minute a test finally displays a positive pregnancy and a doctor confirms it, I have another child! I am the mother of 4 children!  Why shouldn't I be nervous? Gabriel went to Heaven after only 7 short weeks. Riley went to Heaven after 37 short weeks. My excitement could easily turn to grief. But, in my experience, waiting 12 weeks until a pregnancy is deemed "viable" or more "safe" does not deem it more viable or safe.

So rather than hide in my pregnancy secret for another 8 weeks, I will share now. There is no shame in sharing early. There is no shame in sharing late. There was a time where I thought, "I am not announcing my next pregnancy until I deliver." But as scared as I am, God is with me and letting my excitement outweigh my fear. And, why shouldn't I share this child's life now rather than have to announce the death before the life should that time come? If this child were to pass, I would grieve just as much sharing as not sharing. With the losses in our past, it would be normal for us to keep it a secret. However, knowing all the love and support we have had and continue to receive, we do not want to.

My husband is also cautiously optimistic. He wanted to wait until my blood results from Friday, compared to Wednesday, showed a viable pregnancy. I did not want to wait and as I mentioned earlier, I don't want an announcement Monday to read that I am pregnant but losing another one.

I can honestly say that I do not know what the nurse will call to tell me Monday. But I do know that no matter what, I am grateful for this life inside of me and the opportunity to have 4 children.

I do know that another loss could take me down again. But whenever I have been down, I have had enough prayers and support that help lift me up again. For that I am thankful and blessed!