I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!!!! Yes, you may only see me with one. You may hear me talk about how I am learning about vaccines, solid foods, rolling over patterns, etc. You may think, "Oh, she is a new mom." But what you may not know is that I am not a new mom. Motherhood to an earthly, living, growing child is new to me; but pregnancy, giving birth, holding a child that was just born, kissing and hugging my child, singing to my child, those are not new to me.
Sometimes I correct people when they say one child or ask when we will try for baby number two. Sometimes I just let it be with a silent apology to Riley and a long, inward, silent scream. Often, when I have a few minutes of quiet in my head to think, I wish I would have corrected people more. I wish I could do more to show that I am the proud mother of two children, two beautiful boys. I get so tickled when I see Nehemiah look at the photos of Riley around the house. Occasionally when I hear him babbling I wonder if he is talking to his brother already.
This last weekend we traveled to my hometown for a family reunion and to baptize Nehemiah in the church I was raised making him the 5th generation of my family to be baptized in that church. I wish I had done more to acknowledge Riley during the ceremony, but I know that it was more about Andrew and my dedication to raise Nehemiah in a Godly home and to teach him about Jesus and God, our Father in Heaven. However, I cannot help but feel guilty for not doing more to have him be a part of the ceremony too. So, silently I scream. Silently I screamed during the ceremony, "Riley's little brother, Riley I wish you were here!" "Riley I love you and miss you and everyday, every hour I think of you."
The more difficult silent screams come from comments about how people learn to be parents with a child but it becomes more difficult when there are two. "I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!" Can't these people hear my silent screams as I politely nod and think of ways to politely correct them or change the conversation. Can't they see that I will not look at their face for fear that they will actually hear my silent screams and then turn away uncomfortably because to them they never meant to bring up such a tender subject. The reality is, not bringing up Riley is like he is forgotten. Like he doesn't count to them as much as he counts for me. I LOVE bringing up Riley. He is our firstborn. I bring him up in every conversation, but often if you are talking to me you would never know it because it is my silent scream.
An example is when I was sitting around with some family and they were admiring all the new babies in the family and talking about how before they had two children, others with two children warned them how hard it was and how now they had one child hanging on each arm. I can only imagine having two living children hanging off each arm would be tiring. Try having one on an arm and the other on my heart. There is a love for both of my children that a mother can understand, but there is the love of a child in Heaven that really weighs on your heart that only a mother with a child in Heaven can understand.
I am worried that all of my silent screams are going to build up and one day I may outwardly scream to correct someone. I pray that does not happen.
For now, when you talk to me, just know that I am silently screaming, silently correcting you, and silently thinking of how I know you mean no harm. But, by not acknowledging my Riley, by not acknowledging that my situation is different, it hurts me. Please do not compare me to you or anyone else.
And please, think before you speak. I need to work on this as well. You never know what mother you are speaking to that could not get pregnant. You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had miscarriages. You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had an abortion. You never know what mother you are speaking to that has given up her child for adoption. And you never know what mother you are speaking to that has had a stillbirth or had a child pass away later in life. These women all have the tug on their heart that is lacking from that tug on their arm, but it is still a heavy tug from a beautiful child that all they can do is pray for a memory or a dream of.
For me, I pray to dream about Riley. I pray to have dreams of what it would have been like if he were here growing up ahead of Nehemiah. I pray for the sleepless nights, the spit up shirts, the dirty diapers that I missed with him. I pray to dream of what it is like in Heaven for when I get to meet him. I pray to feel him near me, especially the days that I feel he is slipping away from me. Tonight, I feel him near. Tonight I feel him hugging my heart. Tonight I scream out loud with tears down my face, both happy and sad, "I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BEAUTIFUL BOYS". Tomorrow, my screams may go silent again.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Post Partum Doula
Sure, many people have heard the term 'doula', but do they know the wonderful services a doula can provide? Do they know that not only is a doula great for labor and delivery, but a blessing to have when you bring your baby home? Did you know that?
A few months before we delivered Nehemiah we were contacted by a dear, sweet friend. She explained that she was working on becoming certified as a postpartum doula and wondered if we would open our home to her services when we brought our son home. She needed some hours to help complete this certificate. This was the first time either of us had heard of a post-partum doula. We didn't take much time to think or discuss. Even though we would not be first time parents, we would be bringing a child back to our home for the first time. Andrew and I were preparing to spend a lot of time alone with our son, so I was surprised when we both said yes without much thought. I believe God knew that if I thought about it, I would over analyze the situation and Robin was just what we needed, so he helped speak the "yes, please!" out of us quickly.
Many people, including you, have prayed for us, wept with us, and celebrated with us from our birth of Riley to our birth of Nehemiah. Many of you wanted to come hold him and see him as soon as we came home. All of you respected our wishes, and let us have time bonding. Many of the first few weeks I was swept away with emotions. I was glad that I did not have to put on a face for company, but could embrace our new son even if his body was covered in my tears as I prayed over him, and mourned for what I missed with Riley. Also, with Riley, we planned on me returning to work as I could depending on his health. But, with Nehemiah, we planned on a 6-8 week maternity leave. However, after only 3 short weeks I had to return to work full time. Post pregnancy hormones combined with grief, disbelief, stress, and lack of sleep surrounded my every move. I remember Andrew finding me on the floor of his closet in his office at work rocking and nursing our son as I sobbed uncontrollably. I often did this throughout the night too as I knew that there would be no resting for me when our son rested. I felt like my time to mourn over Riley was slipping away and I was forgetting him. I was becoming frustrated with learning to care for a newborn yet selfish for those feelings because it was Nehemiah whom we prayed for to be a sibling to Riley. Even though my memories of Riley can be painful, I cherish them because they are the only memories I have. So, when I feel the normal feelings of a "new" parent, I feel guilty because I would give anything to have felt those feelings with Riley. So, there I was, a mom bringing home her second son, without a true idea of what to do and God gave us Robin!
Robin was a blessing, Robin is a blessing! She came to our home and made sure I had snacks while I nursed. She helped answer my nursing and pumping questions. She helped with laundry, swept our floors, washed our dishes. She showed us how to swaddle, and how to bathe. She loved on Gunnar! She was always calm, always polite, and always genuine. She NEVER asked to hold Nehemiah, but she willingly and lovingly took him as I handed her to him so that I could shower or nap. She came to the office and held him so I could get a little work done with two hands. She listened to me vent, listened to me cry, listened to me talk about my feelings. She encouraged ME, she cared for ME, she was there for ME. This was HUGE. Sure, I could have asked friends or family for help, but those who know me, know it is difficult for me to ask for help. And, let me be honest. Many, if not all of my friends and family would have asked to hold Nehemiah. Their first thought would have been on holding our rainbow baby. Robin's first thought was on MY health both physically and mentally. She was exactly what I needed. I explained that to her during one of her last visits to our home. I know that if I had asked someone to come help, it would have stressed me out more because I was not ready to let others hold Nehemiah, and I didn't realize what I needed, but Robin knew what I needed. I thank God for having her think of us when she was thinking of families.
I love to think back to the paths God delicately paved in my life. It was a few months before we opened the office. We took Gunnar to his veterinary appointment and met Robin, her children and their dog. I was pregnant with Riley. We had no idea that God would take Riley home, bless us 3 months later with another pregnancy, and keep Robin in our lives to provide us with her services when we brought our second son home. Robin, I cannot thank you enough for the gift you gave us. The advice and guidance you provided with remain with me.
I STRONGLY recommend a postpartum doula for anyone bringing a baby home. Family and friends are always willing to help as well, but there is something about the care of a doula that comes guilt and stress free! If you are in the Spring Hill, TN area, look up Mother Well - Professional Postpartum services on Facebook. Also, gift certificates for a post-partum doula make great baby shower gifts!
A few months before we delivered Nehemiah we were contacted by a dear, sweet friend. She explained that she was working on becoming certified as a postpartum doula and wondered if we would open our home to her services when we brought our son home. She needed some hours to help complete this certificate. This was the first time either of us had heard of a post-partum doula. We didn't take much time to think or discuss. Even though we would not be first time parents, we would be bringing a child back to our home for the first time. Andrew and I were preparing to spend a lot of time alone with our son, so I was surprised when we both said yes without much thought. I believe God knew that if I thought about it, I would over analyze the situation and Robin was just what we needed, so he helped speak the "yes, please!" out of us quickly.
Many people, including you, have prayed for us, wept with us, and celebrated with us from our birth of Riley to our birth of Nehemiah. Many of you wanted to come hold him and see him as soon as we came home. All of you respected our wishes, and let us have time bonding. Many of the first few weeks I was swept away with emotions. I was glad that I did not have to put on a face for company, but could embrace our new son even if his body was covered in my tears as I prayed over him, and mourned for what I missed with Riley. Also, with Riley, we planned on me returning to work as I could depending on his health. But, with Nehemiah, we planned on a 6-8 week maternity leave. However, after only 3 short weeks I had to return to work full time. Post pregnancy hormones combined with grief, disbelief, stress, and lack of sleep surrounded my every move. I remember Andrew finding me on the floor of his closet in his office at work rocking and nursing our son as I sobbed uncontrollably. I often did this throughout the night too as I knew that there would be no resting for me when our son rested. I felt like my time to mourn over Riley was slipping away and I was forgetting him. I was becoming frustrated with learning to care for a newborn yet selfish for those feelings because it was Nehemiah whom we prayed for to be a sibling to Riley. Even though my memories of Riley can be painful, I cherish them because they are the only memories I have. So, when I feel the normal feelings of a "new" parent, I feel guilty because I would give anything to have felt those feelings with Riley. So, there I was, a mom bringing home her second son, without a true idea of what to do and God gave us Robin!
Robin was a blessing, Robin is a blessing! She came to our home and made sure I had snacks while I nursed. She helped answer my nursing and pumping questions. She helped with laundry, swept our floors, washed our dishes. She showed us how to swaddle, and how to bathe. She loved on Gunnar! She was always calm, always polite, and always genuine. She NEVER asked to hold Nehemiah, but she willingly and lovingly took him as I handed her to him so that I could shower or nap. She came to the office and held him so I could get a little work done with two hands. She listened to me vent, listened to me cry, listened to me talk about my feelings. She encouraged ME, she cared for ME, she was there for ME. This was HUGE. Sure, I could have asked friends or family for help, but those who know me, know it is difficult for me to ask for help. And, let me be honest. Many, if not all of my friends and family would have asked to hold Nehemiah. Their first thought would have been on holding our rainbow baby. Robin's first thought was on MY health both physically and mentally. She was exactly what I needed. I explained that to her during one of her last visits to our home. I know that if I had asked someone to come help, it would have stressed me out more because I was not ready to let others hold Nehemiah, and I didn't realize what I needed, but Robin knew what I needed. I thank God for having her think of us when she was thinking of families.
I love to think back to the paths God delicately paved in my life. It was a few months before we opened the office. We took Gunnar to his veterinary appointment and met Robin, her children and their dog. I was pregnant with Riley. We had no idea that God would take Riley home, bless us 3 months later with another pregnancy, and keep Robin in our lives to provide us with her services when we brought our second son home. Robin, I cannot thank you enough for the gift you gave us. The advice and guidance you provided with remain with me.
I STRONGLY recommend a postpartum doula for anyone bringing a baby home. Family and friends are always willing to help as well, but there is something about the care of a doula that comes guilt and stress free! If you are in the Spring Hill, TN area, look up Mother Well - Professional Postpartum services on Facebook. Also, gift certificates for a post-partum doula make great baby shower gifts!
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Riley's Angelversary
Today marks one year since I gave birth to our sweet son, Riley, who was born into Heaven. We learned the day before that his heart had stopped and I would be induced to deliver his body into this world, only to have a short time to hold him and say goodbye.
Time has moved so fast the past couple years. It seems like only yesterday I was telling Andrew that we were pregnant with Riley. Yesterday, we welcomed his body into our arms only to lay him to rest. Yesterday, I learned we were pregnant with our second child. Yesterday, we gave birth to our second child, a son, Nehemiah, whom came into the world with his body so warm and alive it brought all the emotions I have held below the surface to the top again. Today, it has been 11 days since we welcomed Nehemiah into the world, 365 days that we welcomed Riley into the world. And who knows what tomorrow's yesterday will bring in the years to come.
My doctor, as well as Nehemiah's doctor, has advised that we limit visitors and outings due to the recent flu pandemic and RSV outbreak. I am 100% in agreement with this. We have informed family and a few friends that they must have had the flu vaccine to see Nehemiah and the Tdap to spend time with him. I have also selfishly not wanted to have people over as the time neared Riley's Angelversary. As I think about what I was doing a year ago, and think about how I did not hold my son as much as I should have, and how I have memories from that day that fill me with regret. Andrew and I discussed how we would do things differently with Nehemiah's birth. I wanted time to bond with our son, at home, alone. Of course I want Andrew to be with us, but I have not wanted to share our son with outsiders yet. Yes, I am the mother of 2 children which typically means that we are more lenient with the second child. However, I did not get to bring my first son home, so in many ways, this is like a first child experience for us. I am enjoying every moment I can hold Nehemiah. I love every move he makes. I love feeling his chest rise and seeing color in his face. As much as my hormones and lack of sleep cause me to tear every time he cries...I love hearing him cry. Right now as I type, it is hard for me to not be holding him. He is in his swing sleeping with the most beautiful smile on his face, and that brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for the blessing God has given us. Tears of sadness for missing this opportunity with Riley.
I have been filled with a mess of emotions since the birth of Nehemiah as this day approached. I have expressed to Andrew the times I broke down during the day thinking about Riley and remembering his sweet soul. We have been blessed with 2 beautiful boys, but only one that gets to live with us on earth. A son that we will teach all about his big brother Riley. One that I will be super protective of, especially the next couple months. One that I will not want to share in other's arms until I feel like I have held him enough.
I am grateful for all our friends and family that have cried with us, stood beside us, supported us, prayed for us during our short time with Riley and the preparation for Nehemiah. I do feel a little guilty that I am not openly welcoming visitors and showing him off. However, I am going to cherish every moment I can with this son so I do not live with the same regret that I do with Riley. I am going to hold this son more because I did not get to hold Riley long enough. I am going to pray harder for the enemy's words to leave my mind just as quickly as they enter because he knows that anything harmful happening to this son is my weakness right now. I do not even keep my phone with me or check emails and facebook like I did before, for fear that I may miss a memory with Nehemiah.
Today, as I remember birthing and holding Riley a year ago, I will remember him as I hold Nehemiah. We will celebrate and remember Riley with a cake I am baking. We will celebrate and remember Riley as father, mother, and brother in the privacy of our own home. And I will shed tears of happiness, sadness, heartache, love, blessings, and thankfulness.
We chose Riley's name because we met on a blind date because of the help of a mutual friend and Riley's Hospital for Children. We chose Nehemiah's name because it means comforted by God. And his middle name Caleb because it means whole heart. Our son, Nehemiah, has a full, healthy heart. And, because of Nehemiah, the walls of our family that were once torn down by heartache and grief, have now been built again with love and memories.
Thank you God for favoring me with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful boys! Thank you for allowing me this time to bond with my son alone and strengthen my heart again!
Time has moved so fast the past couple years. It seems like only yesterday I was telling Andrew that we were pregnant with Riley. Yesterday, we welcomed his body into our arms only to lay him to rest. Yesterday, I learned we were pregnant with our second child. Yesterday, we gave birth to our second child, a son, Nehemiah, whom came into the world with his body so warm and alive it brought all the emotions I have held below the surface to the top again. Today, it has been 11 days since we welcomed Nehemiah into the world, 365 days that we welcomed Riley into the world. And who knows what tomorrow's yesterday will bring in the years to come.
My doctor, as well as Nehemiah's doctor, has advised that we limit visitors and outings due to the recent flu pandemic and RSV outbreak. I am 100% in agreement with this. We have informed family and a few friends that they must have had the flu vaccine to see Nehemiah and the Tdap to spend time with him. I have also selfishly not wanted to have people over as the time neared Riley's Angelversary. As I think about what I was doing a year ago, and think about how I did not hold my son as much as I should have, and how I have memories from that day that fill me with regret. Andrew and I discussed how we would do things differently with Nehemiah's birth. I wanted time to bond with our son, at home, alone. Of course I want Andrew to be with us, but I have not wanted to share our son with outsiders yet. Yes, I am the mother of 2 children which typically means that we are more lenient with the second child. However, I did not get to bring my first son home, so in many ways, this is like a first child experience for us. I am enjoying every moment I can hold Nehemiah. I love every move he makes. I love feeling his chest rise and seeing color in his face. As much as my hormones and lack of sleep cause me to tear every time he cries...I love hearing him cry. Right now as I type, it is hard for me to not be holding him. He is in his swing sleeping with the most beautiful smile on his face, and that brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for the blessing God has given us. Tears of sadness for missing this opportunity with Riley.
I have been filled with a mess of emotions since the birth of Nehemiah as this day approached. I have expressed to Andrew the times I broke down during the day thinking about Riley and remembering his sweet soul. We have been blessed with 2 beautiful boys, but only one that gets to live with us on earth. A son that we will teach all about his big brother Riley. One that I will be super protective of, especially the next couple months. One that I will not want to share in other's arms until I feel like I have held him enough.
I am grateful for all our friends and family that have cried with us, stood beside us, supported us, prayed for us during our short time with Riley and the preparation for Nehemiah. I do feel a little guilty that I am not openly welcoming visitors and showing him off. However, I am going to cherish every moment I can with this son so I do not live with the same regret that I do with Riley. I am going to hold this son more because I did not get to hold Riley long enough. I am going to pray harder for the enemy's words to leave my mind just as quickly as they enter because he knows that anything harmful happening to this son is my weakness right now. I do not even keep my phone with me or check emails and facebook like I did before, for fear that I may miss a memory with Nehemiah.
Today, as I remember birthing and holding Riley a year ago, I will remember him as I hold Nehemiah. We will celebrate and remember Riley with a cake I am baking. We will celebrate and remember Riley as father, mother, and brother in the privacy of our own home. And I will shed tears of happiness, sadness, heartache, love, blessings, and thankfulness.
We chose Riley's name because we met on a blind date because of the help of a mutual friend and Riley's Hospital for Children. We chose Nehemiah's name because it means comforted by God. And his middle name Caleb because it means whole heart. Our son, Nehemiah, has a full, healthy heart. And, because of Nehemiah, the walls of our family that were once torn down by heartache and grief, have now been built again with love and memories.
Thank you God for favoring me with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful boys! Thank you for allowing me this time to bond with my son alone and strengthen my heart again!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Preparing for the Birth of Our Rainbow Baby
I do not know where to even begin. I cannot believe it has almost been 1 year since we learned our Riley had passed and I labored his body into the world to hold it for only a short amount of time saying our goodbyes and thanking God throughout our heartache. We had Riley cremated and his beautiful urn sits on our mantel. I am looking up at it as I type this post.
A few months later God blessed us with another pregnancy. Another son. And now, as I am approaching my 37th week, which was when Riley's heart had stopped, we are preparing for an induction to help bring our sweet, second son into the world.
People ask all the time if we are ready and packed. Well, first, you are never 'really' ready. But for us, we have been ready with nurseries and clothes, and packed hospital bags for 2 years. I did unpack and take down the nursery for awhile, but during the holidays we set the nursery back up. And, due to the possibility of pre-term labor, our hospital bags have been packed for awhile. Now I think I am over packed because I have had 2 years to continually pack and plan. 2 years to google, to ask, to search Pinterest for ideas.
The past couple weeks have been the most emotional for me. Memories of February 1st have flooded my brain. The sights, sounds, and smells of that day are all too familiar, especially when we were there for our 24 hour monitoring a couple weeks ago. I would not change any of it, it just stirs up a mix of joy, of sadness, of hurt, and of healing.
The constant thought in my head is if God is with me, who can be against me. And, no matter what happens as I am induced tomorrow, I am grateful for the time God gave me to feel our precious Riley grow inside of me. I am grateful for the time that I have felt this son.
And, God has been with me through it all. He never leaves us. He has really been speaking to me, preparing me for tomorrow through my devotionals this week. I would like to share and highlight a few thoughts out of the devotions with you.
Last Monday, the devotional focused on viewing each day as an adventure. It told me not to program the day to my will, but be attentive to God and what he has prepared for me. To thank him for the day and treat it as a gift.
Tuesday, my devotional told me not to focus on my emptiness, but to let him fill me with His peace. To rejoice in that He completely understands me. He understands our struggles and weaknesses.
Wednesday, my devotional reminded me of the peace he gives us that transcends all understanding. It talked about how if I gaze at my problems I will sink under the weight of my burdens. He reminds us to call out "Help me, Jesus!" to lift us up. He is with us helping face the trials of the day.
Thursday really hit home. It talked about how we try to think our way through trials, however we are only meant to experience them when they occur. If we think them out in our mind, we relive them over and over. We need to trust Him and live them once. Relax and live in peace!
Friday's devotional told me not to worry about tomorrow. We need to anticipate blessings and accept difficulties. Miracles can be weaved into the most mundane day if we keep our focus on Him!
Saturday's devotional talked about how He leads us along the high road, but there are descents. We are not to try to take shortcuts, but follow Him closely and let Him lead the path for us.
Sunday's devotional encouraged me to to let Him displace worry at the center of my being. To let Him shower me in peace.
Finally, today's devotional said "Approach this day with awareness of who is boss". He is the one that orchestrates the events of our life. When we have days that things go smoothly, we tend to forget He is around and He gets lost in the background. When things go roughly, we beckon Him and ask where He had been. He is there the whole time. We need to remember to thank him in the good times and in the bad. To not try to figure out why things are going the way they are, but to trust they are His plan, even if it is difficult to swallow sometimes. We need to trust Him and thank Him in advance for the good that will come out of it all.
If Riley were here today, we would not be getting ready to welcome another son into the world tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I would give just about anything to have Riley here with us today, but that is not our Father's plan and I accept that. I look forward to how I can serve Him in my life on earth and raise our children to know Riley and the favors from God we have witnessed in our time with and without Riley on this earth.
And, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't mention that I am a little nervous/scared about tomorrow. I am praying for a healthy, easy delivery like I had with Riley, but that may not be God's plan.
Lord, thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for the hard times and the good times. Thank you for my family and friends, and those who I have yet to meet. Thank you for the blessing of good news with our dog today. Thank you for giving me peace today as I remember laboring Riley a year ago and fight the nerves and fears off as I try not to think about tomorrow. Help me remember that you already have tomorrow mapped out, and I only need to live it once. Thank you for all those you have praying for us and bless them in their lives Lord.
And, as you know, I have come to meet many women who have shared their stories of child loss as well as current pregnancy scares/complications. Please give those women the peace they need and encouraging words to know that we are only strong because of you. Lord you give me the strength I need and I pray that you help give them strength as well.
Friday, December 27, 2013
A Timely Devotional
This morning, not like any other morning lately, I woke up at 5:15am. I was wide awake, I laid in bed talking to God thinking I may fall asleep again. No such luck. Therefore at 5:40am I decided to get up, read my devotional, and get ready for work.
Some days I read my devotional and think, "Well put". Other days I read it and feel as though God is speaking directly to me. Today was a day of God talking to me directly. Often after I read I think about how God wants me to spend more time talking to him. I know I should have quiet time in the morning to talk to God. I know I should praise God before every meal and talk to him before I go to sleep. Most days I feel like I talk to him all day long. Alright, so I have the talking part down. It is the listening that I struggle with. And the talking to him in front of people. I have never been comfortable praying in front of others. That is one weakness I want to make strong. I want to teach our children to pray out loud. I want to teach them to pray constantly, to listen constantly, and to thank God constantly for all he gives us, whether it is what we wanted or not.
We learned at our OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist appointments yesterday that we will be induced between 37-38 weeks. That is just 4-5 weeks from now. We have briefly discussed it, but now it is the actual plan. Am I ready? Are we ready? I do what I shouldn't and look to google to tell me about inductions. I then panic over reading something about 50% of inductions end in c-section, and mostly emergency c-sections. I read about how we should not induce children and all the other negative discussions I could possibly read to put myself into a panic.
Why do we tend to use the Internet and social media as our way of imagining how things should be instead of praying to God and taking the time to listen to how it will be? When we take the time and wait for His answers, it is much more peaceful than the immediate responses online. I have an image burned in my mind from a picture of my maternal grandmother on her knees beside a bed with a bible in front of her. She was a true prayer warrior. She was not afraid to ask God for help and let others know she did so. I want to be like that. Google is an addiction I will need to break. Praying on my knees and constantly with my bible is a habit I need to grasp with all my strength.
Today, I listened to God through my devotional. After Riley, we were given "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Today's devotional reads:
How often are you still and listen? Are you like me and talk but allow yourself to be too busy to focus on what He is saying?
Some days I read my devotional and think, "Well put". Other days I read it and feel as though God is speaking directly to me. Today was a day of God talking to me directly. Often after I read I think about how God wants me to spend more time talking to him. I know I should have quiet time in the morning to talk to God. I know I should praise God before every meal and talk to him before I go to sleep. Most days I feel like I talk to him all day long. Alright, so I have the talking part down. It is the listening that I struggle with. And the talking to him in front of people. I have never been comfortable praying in front of others. That is one weakness I want to make strong. I want to teach our children to pray out loud. I want to teach them to pray constantly, to listen constantly, and to thank God constantly for all he gives us, whether it is what we wanted or not.
We learned at our OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist appointments yesterday that we will be induced between 37-38 weeks. That is just 4-5 weeks from now. We have briefly discussed it, but now it is the actual plan. Am I ready? Are we ready? I do what I shouldn't and look to google to tell me about inductions. I then panic over reading something about 50% of inductions end in c-section, and mostly emergency c-sections. I read about how we should not induce children and all the other negative discussions I could possibly read to put myself into a panic.
Why do we tend to use the Internet and social media as our way of imagining how things should be instead of praying to God and taking the time to listen to how it will be? When we take the time and wait for His answers, it is much more peaceful than the immediate responses online. I have an image burned in my mind from a picture of my maternal grandmother on her knees beside a bed with a bible in front of her. She was a true prayer warrior. She was not afraid to ask God for help and let others know she did so. I want to be like that. Google is an addiction I will need to break. Praying on my knees and constantly with my bible is a habit I need to grasp with all my strength.
Today, I listened to God through my devotional. After Riley, we were given "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Today's devotional reads:
"I am preparing you for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you. The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me. So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford. As a result, they live and work in their own strength--until that becomes depleted. Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.Wow! What powerful words! He is preparing me for the birth of our second son. I don't need google or the words/advice of others. I just need Him. I need to spend more time listening, rather than talking, and allow the peace from His strength to hold me up as we count down the next 4-5 weeks. All this time that I am on modified bed rest and my activities are limited, I need to put down the laptop and pick up my bible. I cannot think of a better way to teach my son about God's presence and love than spending time with Him as I feel my son kick and wiggle and grow as we prepare for his birth.
How much better is it to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation.. If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age. Some people may deep you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world."
How often are you still and listen? Are you like me and talk but allow yourself to be too busy to focus on what He is saying?
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
First Christmas Without Riley
Merry Christmas!
Here we are, Andrew and Angie. We have been married for two and a half years. We are the proud parents of two beautiful sons. We all know that Christmas can get carried away and loose it's true meaning, especially when you are shopping and wrapping for your children. What do we do to prepare for Christmas this year for our two boys? Well, unlike many parents of two children, our first born is celebrating his first Christmas in Heaven, and our second son is dancing around in my uterus. So, here we are, Andrew and Angie, and our dog Gunnar.
This year, we decided to stay home. We discussed when we were first married, staying home on Christmas once we had children. And, even though one son is in Heaven and the other is still in my womb, we decided to stay home as we originally planned.
It was a lovely Christmas, one filled with prayer and thankfulness for what God has blessed us with and for Jesus, whose birth we celebrate today. It was a quiet Christmas. Back during my darkest months, most of what took me into the dark and kept me there was all the thoughts of what I thought should have been. Thoughts about what I should be doing with my son, whom I thought should be alive. I did not want to spend Christmas thinking about what I would have bought him and who would have been holding him today. I do not wish to think about what would be if he were here today. For me, those are unhealthy thoughts. God blessed us with a beautiful son. God blessed us with taking him home with Him so that we did not witness him go through surgery and pain. Our son did not suffer and for that I am grateful. I did have to fight those feelings a few times, and I do on occasion avoid situations where I know I will lean toward those thoughts. So today, I am grateful to be celebrating Christmas, the birth day of Jesus, in our home with my wonderful husband.
Therefore, while I do not wish to spend my days thinking about how old Riley would be or what we would be doing with him now, I still want to remember and honor him in every way that I can. I want to start traditions that we can share with our next son when he is born, and all the other children that God chooses to bless us with.
We had a stocking made for Riley that we will hang up each Christmas. We bought an ornament for him this year. I will admit, as much as I am ashamed to, that I forgot to get a gift from the Angel tree for another child in need in the time I should have. I will be better about getting a child a gift next year.
And, we donated a chemo duck from Gabe's Chemo Duck program in memory of Riley. This year, we also donated a duck in honor of "Waitforit".
Gunnar, like normal, was spoiled with new toys and treats. We were excited to watch him open and play with his new toys.
Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or another age, will have different ways that they grieve. They will have different ways that they honor and remember. There is no right or wrong way, we just need to remember to respect what they choose.
I can feel the "Momma bear" coming out in me when I defend why we are doing what we have decided for Christmas, as well as his Angelversary. Riley was born into Heaven on February 1, 2013 and that day will always be known to me as his Angelversary, not his birthday. I am not sure what we will do to celebrate the day yet. We have a few ideas, but it also depends on when "Waitforit" is born.
Today, I took a long bath and listened to my friend, Maribeth Johnson's new CD, Break Through. On the CD is the song "Christmas In Heaven". Her husband wrote the song and she sings it. If you have a moment, I encourage you to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw
Thank you Maribeth for singing this beautiful song and sharing it with all of us!
Thank you Andrew for being my encouragement through my dark and stressful days. Thank you for supporting what I need to grieve and remember and for wishing to do the same!
Thank you God for my beautiful son Riley and all the blessings you have given us through his short life on earth!
Merry Christmas Riley! Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!!!
Here we are, Andrew and Angie. We have been married for two and a half years. We are the proud parents of two beautiful sons. We all know that Christmas can get carried away and loose it's true meaning, especially when you are shopping and wrapping for your children. What do we do to prepare for Christmas this year for our two boys? Well, unlike many parents of two children, our first born is celebrating his first Christmas in Heaven, and our second son is dancing around in my uterus. So, here we are, Andrew and Angie, and our dog Gunnar.
This year, we decided to stay home. We discussed when we were first married, staying home on Christmas once we had children. And, even though one son is in Heaven and the other is still in my womb, we decided to stay home as we originally planned.
It was a lovely Christmas, one filled with prayer and thankfulness for what God has blessed us with and for Jesus, whose birth we celebrate today. It was a quiet Christmas. Back during my darkest months, most of what took me into the dark and kept me there was all the thoughts of what I thought should have been. Thoughts about what I should be doing with my son, whom I thought should be alive. I did not want to spend Christmas thinking about what I would have bought him and who would have been holding him today. I do not wish to think about what would be if he were here today. For me, those are unhealthy thoughts. God blessed us with a beautiful son. God blessed us with taking him home with Him so that we did not witness him go through surgery and pain. Our son did not suffer and for that I am grateful. I did have to fight those feelings a few times, and I do on occasion avoid situations where I know I will lean toward those thoughts. So today, I am grateful to be celebrating Christmas, the birth day of Jesus, in our home with my wonderful husband.
Therefore, while I do not wish to spend my days thinking about how old Riley would be or what we would be doing with him now, I still want to remember and honor him in every way that I can. I want to start traditions that we can share with our next son when he is born, and all the other children that God chooses to bless us with.
We had a stocking made for Riley that we will hang up each Christmas. We bought an ornament for him this year. I will admit, as much as I am ashamed to, that I forgot to get a gift from the Angel tree for another child in need in the time I should have. I will be better about getting a child a gift next year.
And, we donated a chemo duck from Gabe's Chemo Duck program in memory of Riley. This year, we also donated a duck in honor of "Waitforit".
Gunnar, like normal, was spoiled with new toys and treats. We were excited to watch him open and play with his new toys.
Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or another age, will have different ways that they grieve. They will have different ways that they honor and remember. There is no right or wrong way, we just need to remember to respect what they choose.
I can feel the "Momma bear" coming out in me when I defend why we are doing what we have decided for Christmas, as well as his Angelversary. Riley was born into Heaven on February 1, 2013 and that day will always be known to me as his Angelversary, not his birthday. I am not sure what we will do to celebrate the day yet. We have a few ideas, but it also depends on when "Waitforit" is born.
Today, I took a long bath and listened to my friend, Maribeth Johnson's new CD, Break Through. On the CD is the song "Christmas In Heaven". Her husband wrote the song and she sings it. If you have a moment, I encourage you to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw
Thank you Maribeth for singing this beautiful song and sharing it with all of us!
Thank you Andrew for being my encouragement through my dark and stressful days. Thank you for supporting what I need to grieve and remember and for wishing to do the same!
Thank you God for my beautiful son Riley and all the blessings you have given us through his short life on earth!
Merry Christmas Riley! Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!!!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Excitement
Lately I have been feeling more excited about this pregnancy. I am partly excited to be nearing the end because I feel like I have been pregnant forever, and in reality I have been pregnant since May 2012 with only 3 1/2 months in between of not being pregnant. But I am also partly excited because I have dreamed of being a mother for so long. The mother role I currently have is one I never imagined, and one I would do over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same.
I know I am a mother, but to bring a child home to nurse, to snuggle, to read to, to change diapers, to hold his warm, breathing body in my arms....well that is a dream I look forward to having as my reality. As I type this I am weeping over the memory of Riley. I am weeping over the short time I had to hold him. I am weeping because his precious body was so cold. I remember kissing his nose and it was cold to my lips. I remember examining his body. I was celebrating his life, celebrating the fight he had for 37 weeks to live. I was mourning our loss. I was praising God for our gift. I was praying for peace and understanding that by only God's favor did I have at that time. One of our maternal fetal specialists even mentioned how she could not believe how calm I was with Riley and how I allowed them to perform an amniocentesis on me after we knew he was no longer alive. I was only able to be that calm because I could feel God's presence. It was and is an incredible feeling. I knew I was not alone then and I am not alone now.
Some of my excitement also stems from this time of year. I love this time of year. I miss the days when I had income and could do lots of Christmas shopping, but I am learning to love the true meaning of Christmas when you live on such a tight budget and you start to see the meaning of family in another light. It was this time of year that my husband proposed. It was this time of year that we adopted Gunnar, our dog. It was this time of year when we saw Riley more often, and watched him move in the ultrasounds. It is this time of the year that we prepare our home for our next son.
I have been blessed to see friends photos recently of them in the hospital with their new child. I have been checking in on a few other friends who are pregnant now to see how they are doing. For most of them everything is well. For others they are either pregnant with their rainbow baby and experiencing normal nervousness, or they have received news that makes them worry until their child is born. For those I ask you to pray with me. Pray for peace as they have tough weeks ahead of them.
When I see the photos of new babies my heart aches in anticipation for this son to arrive. I do not want him to come too early, but we are ready to bring him home. We are ready to selfishly snuggle this son and spend alone time with him. We are ready to post pictures of him on facebook and share the news of his healthy arrival with all our family and friends. I am not necessarily a patient person, so this last stretch of my pregnancy has me on the edge of my seat. I am also a planner, so not knowing when is making me nervous. Will he come before 36 weeks? Will he surprise us and make it past 40 weeks? Will they let me go past 37 weeks? Will my nerves let me remain calm past 37 weeks? Will he come before 2013 is over?
I am so excited to deliver this son. I pray I can have another vaginal delivery, no matter what his size, especially because he is measuring on the bigger side. Many women who have a vaginal delivery for their first child experience a child who is moving and crying as they deliver. If I had a cesarean with Riley, I would not be so concerned, but I delivered, I pushed Riley's body by vaginal delivery. I would like to experience tears of joy not of mourning as I deliver this child in the same way. I do not know what it is like to leave the hospital with a child. I do not know what it is like to breast feed. I do not know what it is like to hold your child skin to skin and have warm bodies touching. I am excited, I am scared, and I am grateful to God for the opportunity if it is his will. I am also grateful to God for the opportunity to carry and feel this son inside of me just like Riley if his will is anything other than my desire.
We are blessed to get pregnant again. We are blessed to get pregnant again so soon after delivering Riley. I am trying, but not very hard to trust God's timing in this. With Riley, the day of our 37 week check up, most of the next day's patients had called the office to change their appointment for one reason or another. I was stressed over how to fill the day when we would be at doctor appointments and not have the schedule handy. Little did I know, we needed Friday off to deliver Riley. I am sure God will handle our schedule in a similar matter. I just hope I do not read into it too much if the upcoming schedule were to change, but it was not time to deliver this son.
I had hoped to set up the nursery again with Andrew over Thanksgiving, but when you own a business, that takes priority when there are things to do. And, to be honest, I am not sure that I am quite ready yet. Although the thought of being 30 weeks, meaning I have only about 10 weeks left, and 6 weeks if I do not make it past 36...even less if I do not make it to then...wow! OVERWHELMED! I will work on the nursery with Andrew soon. I feel it is important to set it up again together to remember Riley and prepare for this son. We bought a lot of things thinking they would go to Riley, but he never came home with us, so we have agreed that this son can have them. I washed a load of baby clothes the other night that we have received and purchased since we found out we were pregnant again. Last night, when I was putting them away, Andrew joined me in the nursery. It was difficult to be in there, but we agreed that we wouldn't change anything. We had planned on bringing Riley home to that room, but he never came home. This child will grow up knowing all about Riley, so there is no reason to change anything like he had come home, or like we had not planned or prepared for him.
I know this delivery will be very emotional. It will be very emotional to come home with this son. I am glad we will keep it mostly private, as husband and wife, to share in the experience together. After all, we made our boys in private, why shouldn't we be able to greet and spend most of their first hours with them in the same way?
I am grateful for Andrew who understands me, supports me, and agrees with me. I am grateful he asked me to marry him, even if I said 'yes' before he could ask the question! He is my best friend and I am excited to be carrying his son and welcome him into the world together! I hope this son looks just like him as Riley did! I am excited to be on this journey with him and I look forward to the weeks ahead as only God knows when this son will be born. I am excited!!!
I know I am a mother, but to bring a child home to nurse, to snuggle, to read to, to change diapers, to hold his warm, breathing body in my arms....well that is a dream I look forward to having as my reality. As I type this I am weeping over the memory of Riley. I am weeping over the short time I had to hold him. I am weeping because his precious body was so cold. I remember kissing his nose and it was cold to my lips. I remember examining his body. I was celebrating his life, celebrating the fight he had for 37 weeks to live. I was mourning our loss. I was praising God for our gift. I was praying for peace and understanding that by only God's favor did I have at that time. One of our maternal fetal specialists even mentioned how she could not believe how calm I was with Riley and how I allowed them to perform an amniocentesis on me after we knew he was no longer alive. I was only able to be that calm because I could feel God's presence. It was and is an incredible feeling. I knew I was not alone then and I am not alone now.
Some of my excitement also stems from this time of year. I love this time of year. I miss the days when I had income and could do lots of Christmas shopping, but I am learning to love the true meaning of Christmas when you live on such a tight budget and you start to see the meaning of family in another light. It was this time of year that my husband proposed. It was this time of year that we adopted Gunnar, our dog. It was this time of year when we saw Riley more often, and watched him move in the ultrasounds. It is this time of the year that we prepare our home for our next son.
I have been blessed to see friends photos recently of them in the hospital with their new child. I have been checking in on a few other friends who are pregnant now to see how they are doing. For most of them everything is well. For others they are either pregnant with their rainbow baby and experiencing normal nervousness, or they have received news that makes them worry until their child is born. For those I ask you to pray with me. Pray for peace as they have tough weeks ahead of them.
When I see the photos of new babies my heart aches in anticipation for this son to arrive. I do not want him to come too early, but we are ready to bring him home. We are ready to selfishly snuggle this son and spend alone time with him. We are ready to post pictures of him on facebook and share the news of his healthy arrival with all our family and friends. I am not necessarily a patient person, so this last stretch of my pregnancy has me on the edge of my seat. I am also a planner, so not knowing when is making me nervous. Will he come before 36 weeks? Will he surprise us and make it past 40 weeks? Will they let me go past 37 weeks? Will my nerves let me remain calm past 37 weeks? Will he come before 2013 is over?
I am so excited to deliver this son. I pray I can have another vaginal delivery, no matter what his size, especially because he is measuring on the bigger side. Many women who have a vaginal delivery for their first child experience a child who is moving and crying as they deliver. If I had a cesarean with Riley, I would not be so concerned, but I delivered, I pushed Riley's body by vaginal delivery. I would like to experience tears of joy not of mourning as I deliver this child in the same way. I do not know what it is like to leave the hospital with a child. I do not know what it is like to breast feed. I do not know what it is like to hold your child skin to skin and have warm bodies touching. I am excited, I am scared, and I am grateful to God for the opportunity if it is his will. I am also grateful to God for the opportunity to carry and feel this son inside of me just like Riley if his will is anything other than my desire.
We are blessed to get pregnant again. We are blessed to get pregnant again so soon after delivering Riley. I am trying, but not very hard to trust God's timing in this. With Riley, the day of our 37 week check up, most of the next day's patients had called the office to change their appointment for one reason or another. I was stressed over how to fill the day when we would be at doctor appointments and not have the schedule handy. Little did I know, we needed Friday off to deliver Riley. I am sure God will handle our schedule in a similar matter. I just hope I do not read into it too much if the upcoming schedule were to change, but it was not time to deliver this son.
I had hoped to set up the nursery again with Andrew over Thanksgiving, but when you own a business, that takes priority when there are things to do. And, to be honest, I am not sure that I am quite ready yet. Although the thought of being 30 weeks, meaning I have only about 10 weeks left, and 6 weeks if I do not make it past 36...even less if I do not make it to then...wow! OVERWHELMED! I will work on the nursery with Andrew soon. I feel it is important to set it up again together to remember Riley and prepare for this son. We bought a lot of things thinking they would go to Riley, but he never came home with us, so we have agreed that this son can have them. I washed a load of baby clothes the other night that we have received and purchased since we found out we were pregnant again. Last night, when I was putting them away, Andrew joined me in the nursery. It was difficult to be in there, but we agreed that we wouldn't change anything. We had planned on bringing Riley home to that room, but he never came home. This child will grow up knowing all about Riley, so there is no reason to change anything like he had come home, or like we had not planned or prepared for him.
I know this delivery will be very emotional. It will be very emotional to come home with this son. I am glad we will keep it mostly private, as husband and wife, to share in the experience together. After all, we made our boys in private, why shouldn't we be able to greet and spend most of their first hours with them in the same way?
I am grateful for Andrew who understands me, supports me, and agrees with me. I am grateful he asked me to marry him, even if I said 'yes' before he could ask the question! He is my best friend and I am excited to be carrying his son and welcome him into the world together! I hope this son looks just like him as Riley did! I am excited to be on this journey with him and I look forward to the weeks ahead as only God knows when this son will be born. I am excited!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)