Silent Scream

I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!!!!  Yes, you may only see me with one.  You may hear me talk about how I am learning about vaccines, solid foods, rolling over patterns, etc.  You may think, "Oh, she is a new mom."  But what you may not know is that I am not a new mom.  Motherhood to an earthly, living, growing child is new to me; but pregnancy, giving birth, holding a child that was just born, kissing and hugging my child, singing to my child, those are not new to me.

Sometimes I correct people when they say one child or ask when we will try for baby number two.  Sometimes I just let it be with a silent apology to Riley and a long, inward, silent scream.  Often, when I have a few minutes of quiet in my head to think, I wish I would have corrected people more.  I wish I could do more to show that I am the proud mother of two children, two beautiful boys.  I get so tickled when I see Nehemiah look at the photos of Riley around the house.  Occasionally when I hear him babbling I wonder if he is talking to his brother already.

This last weekend we traveled to my hometown for a family reunion and to baptize Nehemiah in the church I was raised making him the 5th generation of my family to be baptized in that church.  I wish I had done more to acknowledge Riley during the ceremony, but I know that it was more about Andrew and my dedication to raise Nehemiah in a Godly home and to teach him about Jesus and God, our Father in Heaven.  However, I cannot help but feel guilty for not doing more to have him be a part of the ceremony too.  So, silently I scream.  Silently I screamed during the ceremony, "Riley's little brother, Riley I wish you were here!"  "Riley I love you and miss you and everyday, every hour I think of you."

The more difficult silent screams come from comments about how people learn to be parents with a child but it becomes more difficult when there are two.  "I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!"  Can't these people hear my silent screams as I politely nod and think of ways to politely correct them or change the conversation.  Can't they see that I will not look at their face for fear that they will actually hear my silent screams and then turn away uncomfortably because to them they never meant to bring up such a tender subject.  The reality is, not bringing up Riley is like he is forgotten.  Like he doesn't count to them as much as he counts for me.  I LOVE bringing up Riley.  He is our firstborn.  I bring him up in every conversation, but often if you are talking to me you would never know it because it is my silent scream.

An example is when I was sitting around with some family and they were admiring all the new babies in the family and talking about how before they had two children, others with two children warned them how hard it was and how now they had one child hanging on each arm.  I can only imagine having two living children hanging off each arm would be tiring.  Try having one on an arm and the other on my heart.  There is a love for both of my children that a mother can understand, but there is the love of a child in Heaven that really weighs on your heart that only a mother with a child in Heaven can understand.

I am worried that all of my silent screams are going to build up and one day I may outwardly scream to correct someone.  I pray that does not happen.

For now, when you talk to me, just know that I am silently screaming, silently correcting you, and silently thinking of how I know you mean no harm.  But, by not acknowledging my Riley, by not acknowledging that my situation is different, it hurts me.  Please do not compare me to you or anyone else.
And please, think before you speak.  I need to work on this as well.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that could not get pregnant.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had miscarriages.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had an abortion.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has given up her child for adoption.  And you never know what mother you are speaking to that has had a stillbirth or had a child pass away later in life.  These women all have the tug on their heart that is lacking from that tug on their arm, but it is still a heavy tug from a beautiful child that all they can do is pray for a memory or a dream of.
For me, I pray to dream about Riley.  I pray to have dreams of what it would have been like if he were here growing up ahead of Nehemiah.  I pray for the sleepless nights, the spit up shirts, the dirty diapers that I missed with him.  I pray to dream of what it is like in Heaven for when I get to meet him.  I pray to feel him near me, especially the days that I feel he is slipping away from me.  Tonight, I feel him near.  Tonight I feel him hugging my heart. Tonight I scream out loud with tears down my face, both happy and sad, "I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BEAUTIFUL BOYS".  Tomorrow, my screams may go silent again.