First Christmas Without Riley

Merry Christmas!

Here we are, Andrew and Angie.  We have been married for two and a half years.  We are the proud parents of two beautiful sons.  We all know that Christmas can get carried away and loose it's true meaning, especially when you are shopping and wrapping for your children.  What do we do to prepare for Christmas this year for our two boys?  Well, unlike many parents of two children, our first born is celebrating his first Christmas in Heaven, and our second son is dancing around in my uterus.  So, here we are, Andrew and Angie, and our dog Gunnar.
This year, we decided to stay home.  We discussed when we were first married, staying home on Christmas once we had children.  And, even though one son is in Heaven and the other is still in my womb, we decided to stay home as we originally planned.
It was a lovely Christmas, one filled with prayer and thankfulness for what God has blessed us with and for Jesus, whose birth we celebrate today.  It was a quiet Christmas.  Back during my darkest months, most of what took me into the dark and kept me there was all the thoughts of what I thought should have been.  Thoughts about what I should be doing with my son, whom I thought should be alive.  I did not want to spend Christmas thinking about what I would have bought him and who would have been holding him today.  I do not wish to think about what would be if he were here today.  For me, those are unhealthy thoughts.  God blessed us with a beautiful son.  God blessed us with taking him home with Him so that we did not witness him go through surgery and pain.  Our son did not suffer and for that I am grateful.  I did have to fight those feelings a few times, and I do on occasion avoid situations where I know I will lean toward those thoughts.  So today, I am grateful to be celebrating Christmas, the birth day of Jesus, in our home with my wonderful husband.
Therefore, while I do not wish to spend my days thinking about how old Riley would be or what we would be doing with him now, I still want to remember and honor him in every way that I can.  I want to start traditions that we can share with our next son when he is born, and all the other children that God chooses to bless us with.
We had a stocking made for Riley that we will hang up each Christmas.  We bought an ornament for him this year.  I will admit, as much as I am ashamed to, that I forgot to get a gift from the Angel tree for another child in need in the time I should have.  I will be better about getting a child a gift next year.
And, we donated a chemo duck from Gabe's Chemo Duck program in memory of Riley.  This year, we also donated a duck in honor of "Waitforit".
Gunnar, like normal, was spoiled with new toys and treats.  We were excited to watch him open and play with his new toys.

Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or another age, will have different ways that they grieve.  They will have different ways that they honor and remember.  There is no right or wrong way, we just need to remember to respect what they choose.

I can feel the "Momma bear" coming out in me when I defend why we are doing what we have decided for Christmas, as well as his Angelversary.  Riley was born into Heaven on February 1, 2013 and that day will always be known to me as his Angelversary, not his birthday.  I am not sure what we will do to celebrate the day yet.  We have a few ideas, but it also depends on when "Waitforit" is born.

Today, I took a long bath and listened to my friend, Maribeth Johnson's new CD, Break Through.  On the CD is the song "Christmas In Heaven".  Her husband wrote the song and she sings it.  If you have a moment, I encourage you to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw

Thank you Maribeth for singing this beautiful song and sharing it with all of us!
Thank you Andrew for being my encouragement through my dark and stressful days.  Thank you for supporting what I need to grieve and remember and for wishing to do the same!
Thank you God for my beautiful son Riley and all the blessings you have given us through his short life on earth!

Merry Christmas Riley!  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!!!

Excitement

     Lately I have been feeling more excited about this pregnancy.  I am partly excited to be nearing the end because I feel like I have been pregnant forever, and in reality I have been pregnant since May 2012 with only 3 1/2 months in between of not being pregnant.  But I am also partly excited because I have dreamed of being a mother for so long.  The mother role I currently have is one I never imagined, and one I would do over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same.
     I know I am a mother, but to bring a child home to nurse, to snuggle, to read to, to change diapers, to hold his warm, breathing body in my arms....well that is a dream I look forward to having as my reality.  As I type this I am weeping over the memory of Riley.  I am weeping over the short time I had to hold him.  I am weeping because his precious body was so cold.  I remember kissing his nose and it was cold to my lips.  I remember examining his body.  I was celebrating his life, celebrating the fight he had for 37 weeks to live.  I was mourning our loss.  I was praising God for our gift.  I was praying for peace and understanding that by only God's favor did I have at that time.  One of our maternal fetal specialists even mentioned how she could not believe how calm I was with Riley and how I allowed them to perform an amniocentesis on me after we knew he was no longer alive.  I was only able to be that calm because I could feel God's presence.  It was and is an incredible feeling.  I knew I was not alone then and I am not alone now.
     Some of my excitement also stems from this time of year.  I love this time of year.  I miss the days when I had income and could do lots of Christmas shopping, but I am learning to love the true meaning of Christmas when you live on such a tight budget and you start to see the meaning of family in another light.  It was this time of year that my husband proposed.  It was this time of year that we adopted Gunnar, our dog.  It was this time of year when we saw Riley more often, and watched him move in the ultrasounds.  It is this time of the year that we prepare our home for our next son.
     I have been blessed to see friends photos recently of them in the hospital with their new child.  I have been checking in on a few other friends who are pregnant now to see how they are doing.  For most of them everything is well.  For others they are either pregnant with their rainbow baby and experiencing normal nervousness, or they have received news that makes them worry until their child is born.  For those I ask you to pray with me.  Pray for peace as they have tough weeks ahead of them.
     When I see the photos of new babies my heart aches in anticipation for this son to arrive.  I do not want him to come too early, but we are ready to bring him home.  We are ready to selfishly snuggle this son and spend alone time with him.  We are ready to post pictures of him on facebook and share the news of his healthy arrival with all our family and friends.  I am not necessarily a patient person, so this last stretch of my pregnancy has me on the edge of my seat.  I am also a planner, so not knowing when is making me nervous.  Will he come before 36 weeks?  Will he surprise us and make it past 40 weeks?  Will they let me go past 37 weeks?  Will my nerves let me remain calm past 37 weeks?  Will he come before 2013 is over?
     I am so excited to deliver this son.  I pray I can have another vaginal delivery, no matter what his size, especially because he is measuring on the bigger side.  Many women who have a vaginal delivery for their first child experience a child who is moving and crying as they deliver.  If I had a cesarean with Riley, I would not be so concerned, but I delivered, I pushed Riley's body by vaginal delivery.  I would like to experience tears of joy not of mourning as I deliver this child in the same way.  I do not know what it is like to leave the hospital with a child.  I do not know what it is like to breast feed.  I do not know what it is like to hold your child skin to skin and have warm bodies touching.  I am excited, I am scared, and I am grateful to God for the opportunity if it is his will.  I am also grateful to God for the opportunity to carry and feel this son inside of me just like Riley if his will is anything other than my desire.
     We are blessed to get pregnant again.  We are blessed to get pregnant again so soon after delivering Riley.  I am trying, but not very hard to trust God's timing in this.  With Riley, the day of our 37 week check up, most of the next day's patients had called the office to change their appointment for one reason or another.  I was stressed over how to fill the day when we would be at doctor appointments and not have the schedule handy.  Little did I know, we needed Friday off to deliver Riley.  I am sure God will handle our schedule in a similar matter.  I just hope I do not read into it too much if the upcoming schedule were to change, but it was not time to deliver this son.
     I had hoped to set up the nursery again with Andrew over Thanksgiving, but when you own a business, that takes priority when there are things to do.  And, to be honest, I am not sure that I am quite ready yet.  Although the thought of being 30 weeks, meaning I have only about 10 weeks left, and 6 weeks if I do not make it past 36...even less if I do not make it to then...wow!  OVERWHELMED!  I will work on the nursery with Andrew soon.  I feel it is important to set it up again together to remember Riley and prepare for this son.  We bought a lot of things thinking they would go to Riley, but he never came home with us, so we have agreed that this son can have them.  I washed a load of baby clothes the other night that we have received and purchased since we found out we were pregnant again.  Last night, when I was putting them away, Andrew joined me in the nursery.  It was difficult to be in there, but we agreed that we wouldn't change anything.  We had planned on bringing Riley home to that room, but he never came home.  This child will grow up knowing all about Riley, so there is no reason to change anything like he had come home, or like we had not planned or prepared for him.
     I know this delivery will be very emotional.  It will be very emotional to come home with this son.  I am glad we will keep it mostly private, as husband and wife, to share in the experience together.  After all, we made our boys in private, why shouldn't we be able to greet and spend most of their first hours with them in the same way?
     I am grateful for Andrew who understands me, supports me, and agrees with me.  I am grateful he asked me to marry him, even if I said 'yes' before he could ask the question!  He is my best friend and I am excited to be carrying his son and welcome him into the world together!  I hope this son looks just like him as Riley did!  I am excited to be on this journey with him and I look forward to the weeks ahead as only God knows when this son will be born.  I am excited!!!

SELFISH ANXIETY

     As the holidays approach, I think more and more about what we did for the holidays last year, as well as how Andrew and I decided to stay home for the holidays this year.  When we were first married, we talked about staying home on Thanksgiving and Christmas when we had children, to form our own family traditions.  We decided we would travel to visit family before or after the holidays.  Two things changed those thoughts and discussions a little.
     First, we opened a pediatric dental practice.  With pediatric patients, we are the busiest when the kids are not in school....holiday breaks, summer breaks, spring and fall breaks.  Therefore, having hours of availability became important for us for our patients, limiting the times we can travel to visit family.  
     Second, we had our first child, our son Riley.  Even though Riley does not live with us on Earth, he was still our first child and we decided to start our family traditions this year as we had planned.  For Christmas this year we are having a stocking made for Riley.  Every year we will put a contribution in the stocking for a charity in memory of Riley.  When our other children are old enough, they will help decide what organization will receive that check.  We are also going to purchase a gift for a child off the Angel Tree in town in memory of Riley.  Our first contribution in memory of Riley this Christmas season was putting an Operation Christmas Child box together with things we would have given Riley.
     Last year, especially after Thanksgiving, my ankles, fingers, and face were swollen.  I was miserable and uncomfortable.  I usually didn't mention it because I was blessed to be carrying Riley and we were planning his surgery and planning for him to come home.  We were walking beside our friends who were also pregnant, but planning to say goodbye before their son would even be born.  Complaining about how I felt didn't feel right.  By Christmas Eve, my blood pressure was high and I didn't want to move off the couch.  I went to Christmas Eve Service and sat most of the time, uncomfortable with my feet propped on my grandmother-in-law's walker.  After we lost Riley, when the enemy spoke deep into my thoughts, he told me how I should not have done things I did with my blood pressure high.  Even though I know that is not what caused Riley's death, I still cannot help but think about what I can do to be a better mom to this son.
     Therefore, when I am uncomfortable, I am staying home!  I have already put myself on modified bed rest, which I do believe is some of what has helped keep my swelling and blood pressure down this time.  Even if that is not the reason, it helps ease my mind at the moment.  I have experience more Braxton Hicks this time and do not want to push my limits.  I know I am being selfish, and that if the doctors are telling me so far everything looks good, than I probably do not need to be as cautious as I am.  But, if the doctors can follow their protocol and follow me more closely due to our history, even though everything looks great, than I can also start my own protocol and be more cautious of what I do.
     I do feel a little out of place complaining about how I feel and how uncomfortable I am.  I know that many of us who have experienced a loss or have had an unpleasant pregnancy get irritated when we hear how easy another has had it.  We also do not like to hear of someone just feeling the "normal" uncomfortable parts of pregnancy when they have never felt the uncomfortable pregnancy loss.  However, I will never have a normal pregnancy, and every uncomfortable feeling to me is a thought to worry.  And when I worry I remember that God has this pregnancy and does not want me to worry, so then I have moments of peace.  But soon, I worry again and the cycle continues.  Some days it is easier to let go and others it is easier to take it back.  I am not perfect, but I am grateful for every one's thoughts and prayers, and for our Pastor Andy's sermons.  I remember one recently in which he talked about getting overwhelmed.  After that sermon I was more at peace and relaxed than I had been in awhile, unfortunately, it only lasted about 2 weeks.  I pray often for peace and I receive God's favor when I ask to feel our baby boy kick, and then he moves or kicks.  I can also feel God smiling on me as he knows that I will ask again all too soon as I am still the learning, silly child of his who is blessed to be chosen to carry one of his children that he chose for us to be earthly parents to.
     In my "Jesus Calling" devotional, today's devotional read, "To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely.  A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians.  They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts.  Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds.  How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times.  They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them.  Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast Companion."
     I am reminded how thankful I am for Riley, and how I would do it all over again even if I knew the outcome.  I am thankful to be pregnant with this son, and I am thankful for all the aches, pains, weight gain, and swelling that may come with it.  I know that God has this, and He knows I will probably still worry because our loss of Riley does make me a little timid.  He knows that I will seek Him everyday and every step of this pregnancy and beyond.  I am thankful that He is a forgiving God and that He loves me despite all my faults and worries.
     So yes, if you were wondering, this year I am going to be a little selfish and stay home for the holidays to ease my mind and make myself feel a little more comfortable and a little more like a better mother because that is all I know as a mother.  However, I am open to visitors over the holidays!  I am just not going to sit in a car, travel, stand, and not have access to my own bed, maternity pillow, and private bathroom.  And I am thankful that God gave me Andrew as my mate and he supports my selfish need at this time and helps take such great care of me!  I am also grateful that Andrew is my best friend,  my prayer warrior and helps me stay more positive about the outcome of this pregnancy!

OCTOBER - National Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is a National Month for many things.  October is mostly known for Breast Cancer Awareness.  However, this month is now even more special to me due to it being Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
During the month of October of 1998 President Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Not many people know that President Reagan also lost a child.  His child lived for one day.  Maybe this is why his proclamation is so touching to me, not for my own loss or the losses my friends and loved ones have endured, but because he also experienced a loss.  It means a lot to me to have someone make a proclamation for something in which he or she knows what others have felt and experienced.  He was not one who said "I know how you feel" only to never have felt it...he felt it!
Many people never share the story of their loss.  Many people grieve in silence.  Everyone does not grieve in the same way.  For me, I have learned that many who have grieved before me, who grieved in silence, wish they had not.  Maybe the world is changing and people are discovering they do not have to be quiet or pretend to be alright any longer.  A dear friend sent me this quote she read somewhere, "I will stop grieving when I stop breathing".  I cannot tell you how true and honest that quote is.
I am not going to grieve in silence, however, I am not going to let my grief overcome me.  I am going to celebrate the life that was.  I am going to celebrate and talk about Riley when opportunities arise.  I am already thinking about all the different ways this child in my womb will learn about his or her big brother!  I am currently reading Angie Smith's book, "Mended".  Angie talked about her precious Audrey and how she wanted Audrey to have "weight".  I want Riley to have weight.  My father spoke at Riley's memorial about how we all have a purpose from God.  He said at the end that Riley fulfilled his purpose.  That he had a job well done.  I am learning however, that Riley still continues to work even though he resides in Heaven!
I ask this month that you not only make sure you have had your mammograms and check your breasts for lumps.  I ask this month that you not only pray for those who have fought or are fighting the battle of breast cancer.  But I ask that you also pray for those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss.  Pray for those who you may not know have had miscarriages.  Pray for those who are suffering in silence.  Pray for those who are in the dark and suffering in public from their loss.  I have been in the dark.  It is a scary place.  I thank God for not leaving me and helping me to find the light again.  I thank God for those who never left my side during that time and for those who prayed harder for me than they may have prayed in their entire lives.
Even more important this month to me, may be the date of October 15th.  A wonderful women named Robyn Bear founded www.october15th.com.  She also helped recognize October 15th as a National Day to remember our lost babies.  On this day, please turn your car lights on as you drive around.  On this day, at 7pm, no matter what time zone you are in, please light a candle and let it burn for at least 1 hour.  If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and allows it to burn for 1 hour, then we will have a "continuous wave of light" all over the world on October 15th in Remembrance of our lost babies.  You should check out Robyn's website and look for local walks and activities.  I have been blessed to help plan a local event in our area on October 15th.
I like to think this month our babies are dancing in heaven as more people become aware of how many pregnancy and infant losses occur around them.  Our babies are just as anxious to hug us as we are to hug them!  But Praise God that my Riley is in the safest place He can be and it He is one of my children I will not worry about daily.  How blessed am I to have my son be with Our Father!

Hypersensitivity - Pregnancy after a Loss

When I became pregnant with Riley,  I spoke to my OB's office and told them my over-the-counter pregnancy test was positive, they told me to celebrate.  I was given the option of coming in for a blood test, but told that the over-the-counter tests were fairly accurate.  I took 2 more tests within the next couple days that were also positive.
When I became pregnant with this baby, I was asked what test I took, and scheduled for a blood test, not given the option.  Below is what we have experienced so far during this pregnancy, minus the normal fears and worries of every ache, pain, and day of feeling 100%:

4 weeks pregnant:   Found out pregnant 6/8/13
                               Called OB office first thing Monday morning
                               Monday pm had blood drawn
                               Tuesday, received results and scheduled ultrasound for Wednesday
                               Wednesday had ultrasound showing yolk sac and more blood work
                               Thursday, received results of blood work, hCG doubled in 48 hours
6 weeks pregnant:   Ultrasound that shows fetus, fetal pole and heartbeat
7 weeks pregnant:   Visit OB office, draw blood.  We are told my progesterone levels are good, but if I        
                          start feeling well to call.  The worse I feel, the better for this baby.
9 weeks pregnant:    Use fetal monitor at home to hear heartbeat
10 weeks pregnant:  Visit OB office with ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat and discussed the future of
                          this pregnancy.  This day was filled with smiles and hugs from the staff.
                                Go back at 14 weeks for next check up.
                                Go to maternal fetal specialist at 21 weeks for gender ultrasound and to have a
                          thorough inspection of the ultrasound.
                                Depending on results of that ultrasound, is where we go after 21 weeks.
                                At 32 weeks I will be seen twice per week with 24 hour urine collection as needed
14 weeks pregnant:  Visit OB office.  Heard heartbeat.  Discussed travel with pregnancy, (lots of
                          breaks, lots of water).  Also lost a little weight, but not concerned yet.  While sitting and bending over to wrap our dog's paw, I felt a quick odd, slightly painful jab in my side, but have not felt anything else since.  I figured it was the baby not liking me in that position.
15 weeks pregnant:  I am starting to worry a little more, trying to remember to fully trust God.
I had a painful burning feeling just to the left and above my belly button with 3 red bumps one evening.  I put liquid benedryl on the spots and they were gone within an hour.  Burning sensation was gone after about 5 hours.  I am feeling our baby move as I type this, knowing God is trying to reassure me.  Also, staring to fear the ultrasound at 21 weeks because I am waiting to hear what is wrong, having a hard time believing all is good.
16 weeks pregnant:  A dear friend helped us try to find out our baby's sex before vacation.  We had a leg crosser!  However, we took a guess and decided to wait until our ultrasound at the maternal fetal medicine clinic to learn if our guess was correct.
18 weeks pregnant:  My blood pressure was high at this visit.  I had also lost more weight.  Now I am starting to get concerned!  I had to lay in a reclining chair and let them take my blood pressure again before I left the office.  Then Andrew had to monitor it and I am supposed to call next week to let them know my readings.
                         We checked my blood pressure and it fluctuated.  However, I was away from Andrew for the weekend on a women's retreat and using a digital monitor.  I called my doctor on Wednesday, and they asked me to come in for a quick check the next day.
19 weeks pregnant:  My blood pressure was more normal and I had finally gained 1 pound!!!
20-22 weeks pregnant:  So the ultrasounds are reading with an earlier due date than the calculations!  Our doctor told us that we would finalize a due date based off both calculations from my LMP and ultrasounds at our next visit in 3 weeks.  We learned the sex of the baby, but have decided to have a gender reveal of some sort before we make our announcement.  The baby was semi-cooperative, however, so far things look good.  This child has a 3-vessel umbilical cord and does not currently show any markers of anything that should suggest we have chromosome testing for this child at this time.  We learned after Riley that Andrew and I are not carriers, that Riley's chromosome abnormality was a fluke mutation.  Our beautiful baby boy was special and one of a kind to us for sure!  But, due to the baby not getting into the positions the doctor wanted to see certain things, we are going to go back in 3 weeks for another scan and compare the two scans.
                         My blood pressure was high at this visit, but we think it was due to the nerves of the appointment since this was our first visit to the maternal fetal specialist with this baby.  The smells of the ultrasound jelly are starting to flood my mind with memories of our sweet Riley.
22 weeks pregnant:  Blood pressure has finally started to stay in the normal range.  Our doctor said this is about the time in pregnancy when blood pressure stays low or lowers, so we will still watch it.  I was nervous for this visit.  Last week a good friend delivered her son sleeping at 21 weeks.  Over the weekend I had terrible pains that suddenly hit me.  We decided I was either constipated or dehydrated.  After some rest, water, and stool softeners I felt much better.  I was thinking about asking for anxiety medication at this appointment, but God clearly spoke to me and reminded me that he is the only anxiety medication I need at this time.  I need to keep letting go and letting God!
23 weeks pregnant:  Gender Reveal!  Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZga0p7lFFg to find out what we are having!
24 weeks pregnant:  Saw the Maternal Fetal Specialist.  Things look great!  Our doctor compared today's ultrasound with the one taken 3 weeks ago.  She also compared it to Riley's scans.  Everything looks good and the baby cooperated so they were able to see all the views they wanted to see.  We return to this office in a few weeks.  I will be monitored closely, which is alright with me!  We are going to stick with the February 13 due date at this time.  I was filled with much more peace after this.  I think it also helped that this past week I was able to honor and remember Riley in two different events!
25 weeks pregnant:  Had some contractions and an uneasy feeling.  Called my nurse who told us to check into the hospital to be monitored.  We learned that everything is fine, although I am at a higher risk for pre-term labor due to being pregnant so soon after our loss.  We also learned that there had been an intestinal bug going around causing many other pregnant women having the same symptoms to check into hospitals.  My symptoms included loose stools, lack of appetite, uneasy feeling, and contractions.  Of course I was stubborn, and waited to call the nurse when I was feeling a little better, but still uneasy.  I had been having bad cramps and back pains that put my in the bed in the fetal position, or at least as close to the fetal position as I could get since my son is growing so much my belly was in the way.  We saw our maternal fetal specialist this week and had a quick ultrasound.  We were assured everything was looking well and our son is growing like a weed.  In fact, he is in the 98% for growth!
26 weeks pregnant:  Had my regular visit with my OB.  Blood pressure was normal.  Heart beat was 143 for baby, but I had just drank the glucola for my test.  I was also told that the tech at the hospital the week prior had noted fluid around our son's heart.  However, because the maternal fetal specialist didn't note anything, she wasn't concerned.  I was not convinced, so I call our maternal fetal specialist who assured me that a little fluid was normal and it could have been the angle of the ultrasound, especially since they were focusing on my cervical length at the hospital, not our baby's heart.  She said that I could come in for a scan earlier than my next visit, but I felt better after talk to her and I am trusting God with his plan for our son.  I had some peace after that phone call.
I never heard from my OB's office so I must have passed the glucola test.  She did tell me they were worried about my weight gain because now I had gained too much since my last visit, but it is difficult to tell if I am making up for what I lost earlier in the pregnancy or not.  She told me in about 5 weeks I am going to be seen twice per week.
To ease my nerves as of late, and with the agreement of my wonderful husband, we have decided to put me on a modified bed rest plan and take it a little easier than we currently have been.
28 weeks pregnant:  Had my regular visit with my OB and another visit with the Maternal Fetal Specialists.  My blood pressure is great, heart beat is good, and we did not discuss my weight.  However, our son weighs 3lbs and 10oz!  Big Boy!  He also showed us how he is practicing his breathing 2 weeks ahead of schedule!
                           Starting the week of December 19th I will be seen twice a week for biophysical profiling.  On Mondays and Thursdays I will be monitored.
                          I was given a jug for a 24 hour urine test.  This is a difficult test, mostly because you have to schedule your life around peeking in a pan to pour into a jug and refrigerate between bathroom runs.  When I turned the jug into the lab, I did not have any orders to go with it.  Because I took the jug in over my lunch break, the lab technician was also on her lunch break.  Apparently, a blood test usually goes along with this test, however, it was not mentioned to me and I did not have any papers to turn in.  The nice people at the lab found someone to draw my blood.  The man explained he was going to draw more than necessary just in case they needed to test for anything else once they figured out what all was to be tested.  The next day I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to have my blood drawn for testing.  When I explained that I had that done, they did some more research and called back to let me know that they found my blood samples.  I am grateful for the humor in the situation!  Just what I needed during my second pregnancy, which is proving to be just as nerve racking as the first!  Unfortunately, I will never know what a "normal" pregnancy is.
                         I am feeling him move, mostly at night, and especially when I am assisting Andrew.  Andrew said he is going to be a dentist because he moves when he hears the drills!  My comfort level is pushed to the limits.  My legs ache, my back aches, and my stomach is constantly tight.  I am having a lot of braxton hicks contractions, and I think I am feeling my stomach stretch constantly as our growing boy is outgrowing his space!  I had Andrew take a picture of me in the same outfit I wore to the hospital to deliver Riley.  I am less swollen, and my stomach is only a couple inches different from 28 weeks vs. 37 weeks!  It was interesting to see!

30 weeks pregnant:  We received my results from my 24hr urine & blood test.  My numbers are on the high side, but with their new guidelines, they are not going to worry unless my blood pressure rises or my swelling increases.  If either of those happen, I will probably do another test to decide what steps we should take.  My weight has stabilized, I have not had much swelling, and our son is very active & growing!  Our OB said today that she would not be surprised if he came early, but they would like me to get to at least 36 weeks.  It is almost unbelievable to think that from now until 10 weeks from now we will be welcoming our second child into the world, with the hope of keeping this one with us on earth.  Maybe I should pack the hospital bag, set up the nursery, and install the car seat.....!
31 weeks pregnant:  I began getting a sore throat one night.  I woke up feeling awful.  By the fourth day I called my OB's office and spoke to the doctor on call.  They recommended zyrtec and mucinex as well as using my neti pot.  After 3 more days, I called my OB office again.  This time my pain was worse and I was developing a sinus infection.  I was prescribed a z-pack.  I was nervous about the baby because I had not been eating much and I was not drinking as much water as I should have.  A day later I felt even worse.  I was dizzy, seeing floaters, and felt very weak.  I had also not felt the baby move much.  I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was high.  We called our maternal fetal specialist and then drove to their office to have an ultrasound.  Baby was great, and my fluid levels were good.  We believe I had a bad cold that developed into a sinus infection.  Because I had just started the z-pack, I was to take a prescription steroid if I was not feeling better by the end of the z-pack.  I felt so sick during that week that I did not sleep well at night and spent many nights watching TV, trying to fall asleep sitting up.
32 weeks pregnant:  I was feeling a little better.  My blood pressure is still higher than they like to see.  The baby is doing great and measuring 5lbs 13oz with bone length in the 35 week measurement!  We discussed a big baby and avoiding cesarean.  We also discussed my blood pressure and continued monitoring.  We discussed our loss of Riley at 37 weeks.  The end result of this appointment was basically:
1. If blood pressure stays up, then we will discuss medication and possible induction.
2. If baby continues to grow like he is, and because of our loss at 37 weeks, we have a case for induction around 36-37weeks.
We will do what we can to prevent cesarean.  After delivering Riley vaginally, it is important to me to deliver this son in the same way.  To push a child out of me that was not moving and did not make a sound is difficult, especially when it is your first child.  This time, I want to hear my child cry and feel him move.  I don't want to be numb from the waist down.  I want to get up and help bathe my son.
It is crazy to think that within the next 4 weeks we will more than likely be meeting our second son.  Especially when months ago we were discussing a February due date!
When people ask my now when my due date is, I usually respond with a chuckle and say, "Anywhere between now and 4 more weeks".  Sometimes I go into how I am technically due in February.  Most of the time I do not.
Between our doctors advising me to take it as easy as possible and my blood pressure fluctuating along with swelling, I am now on modified bed rest.  I am doing what I can to avoid complete bed rest.  I am praying for a healthy son to come within the next few weeks.  I am praying for a vaginal delivery.  I am praying for my blood pressure and swelling to stay down and not fluctuate.
33-35 weeks pregnant:  What a whirlwind the last couple weeks have been!  We have been busy working and preparing for my leave from the office.  Last week my blood pressure stayed slightly elevated and increased to some scary numbers a couple of times.  Sitting with my feet up was the only thing that helped it come down.  I was also spilling more protein.  And, at our last non-stress test we learned I was having contractions & didn't realize it.  I was about 50% effaced and no dilation at that point.  We will learn if that has changed this coming Thursday.  At last Thursday's appointment, the discussion of my blood pressure and urine were enough concern to have me admitted to the hospital for 24hr monitoring.  We also learned that depending on the results of monitoring would be whether or not I would need to be induced then, stay in the hospital for monitoring & bed rest, or go home to bed rest.  In the end, I am now home for bed rest until my next appointment.  I am not allowed to do laundry, cook, move around much, or leave the house.  Depending on the results from my vitals and the BPP at my next appointment is whether or not we are induced this weekend or another week of bed rest, hopefully at my home and not at the hospital.

36 weeks pregnant:  After a week of bed rest, I am still showing signs of elevated blood pressure and protein in my urine.  We have decided to induce me the following Tuesday (January 21, 2014).  I am 50% effaced and 2cm dilated.  Fortunately with Riley, the induction went well and quickly.  We are hoping for the same, although this son is bigger.  But, if God is with me, who can be against me?  5 days from now I will end my bed rest and check in to be induced to meet my second son, another gift from God!

The Meaning of Our Rose Tree

When we moved into our home there was a small tree in the front yard.  Every once in awhile, a part of the tree would bloom with beautiful white roses.  However, most of the tree does not turn green, does not have blooms, and makes the tree quite a sight in our front yard.  Andrew and I have discussed removing the tree.

We learned about a year ago that the tree was planted by the first home owners.  The tree was the wife's first Mother's Day gift.  We hated to just dispose of the tree since it had such a special meaning.  We put off deciding what to do with the tree.
Then, a few months ago, I looked at the tree and decided that by this fall or next spring when we re-do a lot of the landscaping the tree will go.  We offered it to the original homeowners if they want to dig it up and save it because of the meaning in the tree.  To me, it was just a tree that was half dead and half alive.

But wait!  A Mother's Day tree that is half dead and half alive?!  I found myself really studying the tree a few Sunday's back before we left for church.  I was suddenly filled with tears!  I can't get rid of this tree!  This tree is my life!  This tree represents what my motherhood status is at the current time.  What my motherhood status will be for the rest of my life!  Our son, our firstborn, is in Heaven.  Not with us on earth and we are heartbroken and missing him terribly.  Our second child is alive and growing inside of me.  The rose tree that is brown and lacks growth is the part of my being a mother that feels dead inside, the part of me that aches for my son.  However, the blooms, the green, that part of the tree represents the hope.  Our second child and our newest gift from God.  That growing part of the tree is also a reminder that while Riley is not living on earth, he is living.  While I may feel like a part of me has died, there is still a part of me alive.  And a part of Riley will always live in me.

If the first homeowner does want her tree back, I will happily give it to her.  However, if not, I am not sure when I will be ready to part with this tree.

I have thought of this tree a lot.  I have also thought about Heaven a lot lately.  When it is my turn to go home, it will not just be a reunion for loved ones who have gone before and my chance to meet our Father, it will be the first time I really get to meet our son.  The thought fills my eyes with tears and overjoys my soul.  Until then, I will live my life as I hope God desires and honor my husband, and our Riley.  I will also live to be a mother to this new child and all the other children God blesses us with.

Can you see the green and white rose blooms?
Can you see the dead, brown branches?

"The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."                                                     Romans 8:16-17

Counteracting Fear with Faith

Here we are, 11 weeks pregnant now, and learning to trust God more than we ever have before.  I know to some, that may be hard to believe.  After all, shouldn't our trust have been the strongest at the moment we learned our son had passed?  Shouldn't our moment of strong trust have been as we held a memorial service for our son.  No, we did trust, but not with the strength we are using today, and to be honest, I know more times will come that will require the courage to trust even more and let our faith outweigh our fear.  Times will come with the business, with our marriage, with our children, and even with our parents.  Trusting God is an everyday practice, that some days I am stronger in doing than others.  I posted my thoughts during my darkest months after our loss of Riley.  It was in those months that I was weak in my trusting, but I never gave up on God.  I may not have listened much when I prayed, but I did not stop talking to him, I just may have yelled more.  Today in our church service, we learned about counteracting our fear with our faith.  Are you counteracting your fear with your faith?

We shared our pregnancy with this rainbow baby so early mostly because we were counteracting our fear with our faith.  We didn't want to use excuses as to why I was gaining weight, or we avoided activities.  We did not believe we were jinxing ourselves, but rather trusting God with the outcome of this child by sharing our news.
With Riley, my belly started expanding early on.  I had not lost all of that pregnancy weight and knew that I would start showing soon.  I was also feeling nauseous and eating crackers in public or avoiding events.  Andrew and I are proud to be such a part of our community and blessed by so many dear friends, that we knew they would catch on to my sudden pregnancy-like behavior.  We also knew that so many people have been praying for us and asking what they could specifically pray for that we decided it was time to tell.  After all, if I miscarry this child or we have another loss, I know I would post about that experience, so why not share in the experience from the beginning.  It is a common practice for us to 'google' everything we want to know more of.  Some of what we read is truth and some is not.  But I 'googled' a lot while we were trying to conceive to learn how mothers felt during their pregnancy after a stillbirth....only to not find much.  Some mothers started blogging, but quit midway through their pregnancy.  Some just shared the news of a baby born alive.  But where is my guide for how I should feel?  Where is the mother who had a stillbirth while starting a business and conceiving after 4 months posts?  Maybe there are some posts out there that I could not find.  So, I decided that part of my honoring Riley, is to talk about how I feel during this pregnancy.  For other women to know that it is normal to be hypersensitive about everything.  To know it is normal to cry over the child you have lost as you try to care for the one you are now carrying.  It is time to quit 'googling' the Internet and start reading my bible more.  If ever there was a time for faith to counteract my fear, now is that time.

The day after we found out we were pregnant, I fell.  I landed mostly on my wrist but I came home sobbing and let my husband embrace me to assure the baby was fine.  Off and on have I felt like I am miscarrying.  No real spotting, just a fear that I have let overwhelm me at times.  I will turn the light on in the middle of the night to make sure there is no blood.  I have found myself in the throws of my own tears and fear, only to use the fetal monitor we purchased or have a doctors appointment remind me that this baby is alive.  My headaches are more intense with this pregnancy as well.  This is all very common for a pregnancy after a loss.  Some days I struggle to believe that we really are pregnant again.  Last night I experienced the most painful, stabbing cramps I have ever had.  I debated whether or not to go to the ER.  Luckily, after some Tylenol and prayers, I feel asleep to wake up feeling only slight cramps.  And then, a blessing from God, I felt the baby move.
As we sat in church today, I was reminded that I have not been letting my faith counteract my fear as much as I should.  As nervous as I will be during this pregnancy, God has not left me.  He has a plan for this child whether it be to take this baby home with him or to let us take this baby home with us.

Sometimes, music can calm my nerves and speak to me in ways that no other person can.  Today I kept thinking of a friend who stopped by the office when I was in my dark months to remind me to get out of the weeds.  He told me to lift my hands up and let God pull me out.  This same friend led the worship band today as they sang, "Your Love Never Fails".   I have discussed in red below the parts of the verses that stood out to me the most.

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

         To me I thought of when my fear is heightened during this pregnancy, he is with me, I just have to talk and listen.  Pray and read.  TRUST.

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
          Many times I did not know when I would see the light again.  Riley is not forgotten.  I feel him with me everyday.  But this baby gives me another purpose in life.  It gives me the hope that I thought was lost.

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good