Dear Gabriel,
I knew your name before I knew of you! I had a dream in which a woman I had never seen before visited me and told me that I would be having a boy and I should name him Gabriel. The next day, I took a test that was a very faint positive…in fact, I took 2 tests just to be sure my eyes were not playing tricks on me.
It was on that day I fell in love with you. It was on that day that I also knew that my time with you would be short. I had an inkling that you would pass before me. I wanted to believe it was the fear I will always fight in pregnancy. A week before you passed, my feeling became stronger and my heart was broken. I knew I would not have the time with you I prayed for on Earth. I was scared to love you more, and yet, as each day passed, I did. I still do!
The week you died is one that I will never forget, and yet one that is such a blur. I started bleeding heavy late on a Monday night. I waited for a call from the emergency on call doctor. Because I was not in much pain, and because you were so young, there was nothing that could be done. I could only go to the doctor's office every other day for blood draws. Those blood draw readings would rip my heart open more as I listened to how quickly I was loosing you.
I cried every time I used the bathroom. You deserved more than to be flushed down the toilet. I looked for you in clots of tissue. I know you were there, and I will always regret not being able to do something more.
I spent some time angry at God, as you know. Not just because you died, but because I didn't get much time to get to know you. I don't know what it is like to feel you move. I don't know what it is like to hold you in my arms. I don't know what it is like to kiss your sweet face. I had that time with Riley.
I feel as if so much more was taken from me when you died. I feel as though I am more lost for not knowing you, than knowing you and loosing you.
You will always be our third son. You will always be my third pregnancy. You will always be my gift from God. I will always love you.
I believe it was an angel that God sent in my dream to prepare me for you. I know God knew that I would need to name you to feel as though we had more of a connection than just 7 brief weeks.
I know you and Riley are watching us now. For that I am grateful and blessed! I do not know if your sibling I am carrying now will come home to live with us or go Home to live with you. You will be an amazing older brother either way!
I look forward to the day I come Home to meet you.
Until then my sweet son, I will do my best to make you proud and follow God's plan for my life on Earth.
Love,
Momma
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Cautiously Optimistic
Yes, you could say I am cautiously optimistic. You could also say that I am excited, nervous, protective, worried, emotional, and 4 weeks pregnant!
After Gabriel I heard many people tell me that I should have waited 12 weeks to share. But why? I mentioned in my blog announcement about Gabriel that we would share no matter what happened. Keeping my child's death a secret was not an option for me then. And, should God take this child home before I meet he or she, it won't change the option now.
Why shouldn't I be excited? The minute a test finally displays a positive pregnancy and a doctor confirms it, I have another child! I am the mother of 4 children! Why shouldn't I be nervous? Gabriel went to Heaven after only 7 short weeks. Riley went to Heaven after 37 short weeks. My excitement could easily turn to grief. But, in my experience, waiting 12 weeks until a pregnancy is deemed "viable" or more "safe" does not deem it more viable or safe.
So rather than hide in my pregnancy secret for another 8 weeks, I will share now. There is no shame in sharing early. There is no shame in sharing late. There was a time where I thought, "I am not announcing my next pregnancy until I deliver." But as scared as I am, God is with me and letting my excitement outweigh my fear. And, why shouldn't I share this child's life now rather than have to announce the death before the life should that time come? If this child were to pass, I would grieve just as much sharing as not sharing. With the losses in our past, it would be normal for us to keep it a secret. However, knowing all the love and support we have had and continue to receive, we do not want to.
My husband is also cautiously optimistic. He wanted to wait until my blood results from Friday, compared to Wednesday, showed a viable pregnancy. I did not want to wait and as I mentioned earlier, I don't want an announcement Monday to read that I am pregnant but losing another one.
I can honestly say that I do not know what the nurse will call to tell me Monday. But I do know that no matter what, I am grateful for this life inside of me and the opportunity to have 4 children.
I do know that another loss could take me down again. But whenever I have been down, I have had enough prayers and support that help lift me up again. For that I am thankful and blessed!
After Gabriel I heard many people tell me that I should have waited 12 weeks to share. But why? I mentioned in my blog announcement about Gabriel that we would share no matter what happened. Keeping my child's death a secret was not an option for me then. And, should God take this child home before I meet he or she, it won't change the option now.
Why shouldn't I be excited? The minute a test finally displays a positive pregnancy and a doctor confirms it, I have another child! I am the mother of 4 children! Why shouldn't I be nervous? Gabriel went to Heaven after only 7 short weeks. Riley went to Heaven after 37 short weeks. My excitement could easily turn to grief. But, in my experience, waiting 12 weeks until a pregnancy is deemed "viable" or more "safe" does not deem it more viable or safe.
So rather than hide in my pregnancy secret for another 8 weeks, I will share now. There is no shame in sharing early. There is no shame in sharing late. There was a time where I thought, "I am not announcing my next pregnancy until I deliver." But as scared as I am, God is with me and letting my excitement outweigh my fear. And, why shouldn't I share this child's life now rather than have to announce the death before the life should that time come? If this child were to pass, I would grieve just as much sharing as not sharing. With the losses in our past, it would be normal for us to keep it a secret. However, knowing all the love and support we have had and continue to receive, we do not want to.
My husband is also cautiously optimistic. He wanted to wait until my blood results from Friday, compared to Wednesday, showed a viable pregnancy. I did not want to wait and as I mentioned earlier, I don't want an announcement Monday to read that I am pregnant but losing another one.
I can honestly say that I do not know what the nurse will call to tell me Monday. But I do know that no matter what, I am grateful for this life inside of me and the opportunity to have 4 children.
I do know that another loss could take me down again. But whenever I have been down, I have had enough prayers and support that help lift me up again. For that I am thankful and blessed!
Friday, March 11, 2016
Secondary Infertility
To all the women who have tried and tried and tried without success to get the positive sign on a pregnancy test:
To all the women who have tried and tried and paid a lot of money to have a child only to loose it during pregnancy or shortly after birth:
To all the women who had a baby and then kept experiencing loss or no more positive pregnancy tests:
I am so sorry for ALL that you have been through!
"Trying is the fun part"
"It will happen"
"When are you going to have a baby?"
"When are you going to have another child?"
All those phrases are like a knife to the heart and another punch in the gut.
Although we were blessed as a surprise with Riley and then only 3 months after loosing him got blessed with Nehemiah, I have experienced some secondary infertility that has required me to be treated by a fertility specialist. This is not a short, easy, or cheap process.
We decided to wait until Nehemiah was a year old to start trying again. Then we tried, and tried, and tried. My periods returned after the year, but had become normal to me, but have been that way for over a year now so it has become my new normal. I met with a new OBGYN who has privileges at the hospital I want to always deliver at. It was a pleasant meeting and I expressed my concerns. She agreed that after 6 months of active trying and using an Ovulation Kit, we would need to begin testing. 6 months came, and the tests began. I had ultrasounds and blood work. But then, suddenly, to my surprise and excitement, we had a positive pregnancy test in late July after our 7th month of trying. I declined blood work to make sure levels were rising. Mostly I declined because I didn't want to make the drive to Nashville and take time off of work. I was sure everything would be fine. But, on the 7th week I started bleeding. I lost Gabriel. I was heartbroken and angered. I really didn't want to have to try again. Trying had become a chore and was not fun. But, we did try. We were told we could try right away. Sometimes a women is more fertile after a pregnancy. 4 more months went by. We were referred to a fertility clinic. More tests, more discussions, and I began acupuncture. During that time I also learned from my hairstylist that I was shedding more than normal and I should have my thyroid checked. Thyroid!? It was fine because I was having all the tests and thyroid issues can cause fertility problems and miscarriages so if it was not normal my doctor would have told me, right? Wrong! I called to find out what my level was and I had a voicemail saying that they never checked my thyroid and I may want to have it checked! I was angry! The doctor's office did not say to come in, we need to test it. They did not apologize for not testing it before or give a reason. Just told me to get it checked! I reached out to my maternal fetal specialist from my past pregnancies and she agreed to test it. Sure enough I have hypothyroidism. I cannot help but wonder if many of the issues in the past year would have been resolved if my thyroid had been checked much sooner!
Fast forward to now me being on medication (which dose has been increased due to my levels being too high on a low dose of Synthroid). And still doing more testing.
For those who are "trying" I am including this buzz feed video link that helped me find humor in the trying part. I hope you can successfully watch the video from the link. If not, look for it on Buzzfeed!
http://www.familyfriendlyhq.ie/family-blog/make-a-baby--funny-video-uncovers-the-wacky-world-of-trying-to-conceive
To all the women who have tried and tried and paid a lot of money to have a child only to loose it during pregnancy or shortly after birth:
To all the women who had a baby and then kept experiencing loss or no more positive pregnancy tests:
I am so sorry for ALL that you have been through!
"Trying is the fun part"
"It will happen"
"When are you going to have a baby?"
"When are you going to have another child?"
All those phrases are like a knife to the heart and another punch in the gut.
Although we were blessed as a surprise with Riley and then only 3 months after loosing him got blessed with Nehemiah, I have experienced some secondary infertility that has required me to be treated by a fertility specialist. This is not a short, easy, or cheap process.
We decided to wait until Nehemiah was a year old to start trying again. Then we tried, and tried, and tried. My periods returned after the year, but had become normal to me, but have been that way for over a year now so it has become my new normal. I met with a new OBGYN who has privileges at the hospital I want to always deliver at. It was a pleasant meeting and I expressed my concerns. She agreed that after 6 months of active trying and using an Ovulation Kit, we would need to begin testing. 6 months came, and the tests began. I had ultrasounds and blood work. But then, suddenly, to my surprise and excitement, we had a positive pregnancy test in late July after our 7th month of trying. I declined blood work to make sure levels were rising. Mostly I declined because I didn't want to make the drive to Nashville and take time off of work. I was sure everything would be fine. But, on the 7th week I started bleeding. I lost Gabriel. I was heartbroken and angered. I really didn't want to have to try again. Trying had become a chore and was not fun. But, we did try. We were told we could try right away. Sometimes a women is more fertile after a pregnancy. 4 more months went by. We were referred to a fertility clinic. More tests, more discussions, and I began acupuncture. During that time I also learned from my hairstylist that I was shedding more than normal and I should have my thyroid checked. Thyroid!? It was fine because I was having all the tests and thyroid issues can cause fertility problems and miscarriages so if it was not normal my doctor would have told me, right? Wrong! I called to find out what my level was and I had a voicemail saying that they never checked my thyroid and I may want to have it checked! I was angry! The doctor's office did not say to come in, we need to test it. They did not apologize for not testing it before or give a reason. Just told me to get it checked! I reached out to my maternal fetal specialist from my past pregnancies and she agreed to test it. Sure enough I have hypothyroidism. I cannot help but wonder if many of the issues in the past year would have been resolved if my thyroid had been checked much sooner!
Fast forward to now me being on medication (which dose has been increased due to my levels being too high on a low dose of Synthroid). And still doing more testing.
For those who are "trying" I am including this buzz feed video link that helped me find humor in the trying part. I hope you can successfully watch the video from the link. If not, look for it on Buzzfeed!
http://www.familyfriendlyhq.ie/family-blog/make-a-baby--funny-video-uncovers-the-wacky-world-of-trying-to-conceive
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Looking in the mirror
I have not felt much like blogging this past year. I do get ideas or things I believe I should share, but I have not felt like taking the time to sit an write. Lately, I have felt more called to blog. I pray that God speaks through me the next few weeks and months as I start to blog some more of my recent thoughts and feelings. After all, I feel it is God telling me to do it again.
I have also been avoiding Facebook. I was going to delete my account, but my loving and supportive husband told me to keep it to post my blogs to because he believes they help some women. I believe lately, that the help has been for women to know when to walk on the other side of the street when they see me!
When tragedy strikes your life, it is difficult to keep emotions in check. When your life doesn't go as you plan, it is easy to let the darker emotions surface and to move in on more of a permanent basis. I believe it is normal to have those dark emotions and to experience them. However, they should only vacation and not take over residence. This past year I have been let my dark emotions purchase a condo in my life. The past few weeks I have been battling over the residence and evicting them...but it will take time.
I thought loosing Riley was the most difficult thing we would experience. It was not. Loosing Gabriel was a whole new type of loss and one in which I felt like I didn't get the closure I needed because I did not get to see or hold him. I lost him over toilets for a week. I thought maybe losing Gabriel was now the most difficult thing I would experience. It was not.
The most difficult thing I experienced was looking in the mirror at the person I was becoming and realize that is not who God wanted me to be. That was not who Riley or Gabriel wanted me to be. That was not who I want Andrew or Nehemiah to see everyday. Don't get me wrong, losing Riley and Gabriel hurts everyday like no other hurt I have ever felt,. But knowing I was hurting the One who created me, who gave me my beautiful children, that was difficult to face. It is normal to be angry, to be jealous. Those feelings will always be there, I am human. However, how can God make beautiful things out of me if I am making more of a mess.
What brought me to this mess you might ask? Well, MY plan of having 4 children. MY plan of getting pregnant again when Nehemiah was 1. MY plan of Riley being my only story to share. MY plans have not gone as you guessed it....planned. There is still more to my story and not being sure where to go next has been making it easier to go back, to go to the darkness. To hide and be angry. Andrew and I are now experiencing secondary infertility. My story is adapting and I cannot rip the pages out because I do not like it. I can only edit the ending and maybe a few in between chapters. If my life were to end tomorrow, I do not want the person I was a few weeks ago to be who I am remembered as. My life, my motherhood journey will not be an easy story. I should have learned that during our first ultrasound of Riley.
For now I will end with this, but I will be writing more very soon: if you are like me and struggling to find the purpose in your journey. Please listen to the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Pray through and sing through the song and let it speak to you like it has been speaking to me, especially today.
I have also been avoiding Facebook. I was going to delete my account, but my loving and supportive husband told me to keep it to post my blogs to because he believes they help some women. I believe lately, that the help has been for women to know when to walk on the other side of the street when they see me!
When tragedy strikes your life, it is difficult to keep emotions in check. When your life doesn't go as you plan, it is easy to let the darker emotions surface and to move in on more of a permanent basis. I believe it is normal to have those dark emotions and to experience them. However, they should only vacation and not take over residence. This past year I have been let my dark emotions purchase a condo in my life. The past few weeks I have been battling over the residence and evicting them...but it will take time.
I thought loosing Riley was the most difficult thing we would experience. It was not. Loosing Gabriel was a whole new type of loss and one in which I felt like I didn't get the closure I needed because I did not get to see or hold him. I lost him over toilets for a week. I thought maybe losing Gabriel was now the most difficult thing I would experience. It was not.
The most difficult thing I experienced was looking in the mirror at the person I was becoming and realize that is not who God wanted me to be. That was not who Riley or Gabriel wanted me to be. That was not who I want Andrew or Nehemiah to see everyday. Don't get me wrong, losing Riley and Gabriel hurts everyday like no other hurt I have ever felt,. But knowing I was hurting the One who created me, who gave me my beautiful children, that was difficult to face. It is normal to be angry, to be jealous. Those feelings will always be there, I am human. However, how can God make beautiful things out of me if I am making more of a mess.
What brought me to this mess you might ask? Well, MY plan of having 4 children. MY plan of getting pregnant again when Nehemiah was 1. MY plan of Riley being my only story to share. MY plans have not gone as you guessed it....planned. There is still more to my story and not being sure where to go next has been making it easier to go back, to go to the darkness. To hide and be angry. Andrew and I are now experiencing secondary infertility. My story is adapting and I cannot rip the pages out because I do not like it. I can only edit the ending and maybe a few in between chapters. If my life were to end tomorrow, I do not want the person I was a few weeks ago to be who I am remembered as. My life, my motherhood journey will not be an easy story. I should have learned that during our first ultrasound of Riley.
For now I will end with this, but I will be writing more very soon: if you are like me and struggling to find the purpose in your journey. Please listen to the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Pray through and sing through the song and let it speak to you like it has been speaking to me, especially today.
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