Genesis 9:13-16

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.  Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind.  Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.  Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."  Genesis 9:13-16

     After a storm, you may find yourself looking for the rainbow in the sky.  The rainbow that reminds us of God's promise.  To me, the rainbow is a beautiful reminder of so much more at this point in my life.  After we lost Riley, and discussed trying to conceive our second child, I was constantly seeing the term "Rainbow Baby" to describe a child after a loss.  I found my favorite description of a Rainbow Baby on Pinterest.
"A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm.  When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.  What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.  Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."

     Many of you know that Riley was our first child.  We were ready to be parents.  The nurseries were both set up.  And for those of you who have experienced a loss, you know how trying to conceive can turn from fun into a chore.  You know how hard it is to wait from the time you should have ovulated to when your period is due.  And, you know how heartbreaking it is when your period comes and there is no chance of being pregnant that month.  As you wait for each month to pass and have to countdown to your fertile days again, you watch others become pregnant as if all they had to do was think it and it became true.  We had been trying since I passed my postpartum appointment.  At that appointment my doctor asked if we wanted to go on birth control.  We said no.  My maternal fetal specialist told us that we should wait 6 months.  There is controversy if the 6 month wait is emotional or physical.  Therefore, we believed that if the doctor cleared me for physical we would try and leave it up to God.  I will admit, there were many moments of which I was angry with God for not allowing me to be pregnant right away.  Moments of jealousy when I witnessed friends become pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd, and even 4th children.  I just wanted one.  One child on earth.  It was those times that I was not trusting God.

     It has now been almost 5 months since we learned that our Riley had gone to Heaven.  It has been almost 5 months since I delivered our 6lb 9oz, 19 1/2" son on February 1, 2013 at 9:10am.  I found out on June 14, 2012 that we were pregnant with Riley.  He was due February 21, 2013

     I mentioned in my last post about the Choose Healing event I went to.  I would like to take this time to elaborate more on how that event helped me heal and be in the place emotionally and physically I am today.  I went on Friday, dragging my feet, but also feeling pushed from God to go.  I think it was better that I went by myself so I could mourn and cry and worship God without feeling like anyone was watching me or that anyone knew my story.  I left Friday night with a smile and a greater sense of peace than I had experienced since Riley's passing.  Saturday morning I woke up, and decided to take a pregnancy test.  Andrew had left for a golf fundraiser.  I laid the test down for it to process for the next 3 minutes.  I took the dog downstairs to let him out and stood in the kitchen and prayed.  I prayed for the test to be positive.  I prayed for us to have a child at home with us soon.  And I prayed that no matter what the results were that God would remind me that He is in charge and to trust Him for all the future months we would have to try to conceive.  Much to my surprise, the test was positive!  Walking into the event Saturday, knowing that I was more than likely pregnant really allowed me to continue to heal over my pain and anger from not having Riley with me and to rejoice and be excited about the future.  I did not expect to be excited.  I expected to be more nervous and want to stay more private if I were to be pregnant again.  I know it was a God thing for me to find out in the middle of attending the event.  God knew when I would find out.  He knew when I would be pregnant again.  Most of all He knew I needed to heal more and be at a place where I can be excited and joyous for our second child.
     I am happy to announce that we are around 7 weeks pregnant and we heard the most beautiful sound on Tuesday.  We heard our second child's heartbeat!  We realize it is still so early, but we decided to share now for many reasons I will talk about later.  We also know that there is no promise that this child will not go to Heaven earlier than we hope.  But we are trusting God, and blessed to know that big brother Riley is ready to play big brother in Heaven if that is God's plan.
     It is also difficult for me to announce this as I know I have friends who are still trying to conceive.  Friends who have been trying for months or years.  Friends who have recently experienced loss.  I do feel somewhat guilty, and I pray for them often.  I now understand how several of my friends must have felt when they shared with me their exciting news recently and it was difficult for me to be happy for them without feeling sorry for us.  Something I had to pray on often.  Something I was almost done struggling with just before I attended the Choose Healing event.
     Now, this has been an interesting pregnancy so far, especially compared to my pregnancy with Riley.  And, we do not have a due date at this time.  This is all due to my category of high risk from Riley's stillborn status.  I will make posts on my experience with this pregnancy so far soon.  However, Andrew and I wanted to use this post to make our announcement.  To share our excitement about what we hope will be our 'rainbow baby'.
      I had the privilege of meeting another mom last night whose child was born into Heaven in January of this year.  It was a blessing to hear her story and get to share mine.  She sent me the following bible verses.  I want to share them, because when she talked about them last night, it was as if God was in my ear saying "Told you to trust Me".

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good".     Romans 8:26-28

These are our beautiful flowers the ladies at Spring Hill Florist carefully chose to help represent our rainbow baby description.

Chosen One

While attending church with my husband and our family on Father's Day this year, I was reminded of 2 chapters in the bible.  These 2 chapters are important to me in my life because they talk of how both Moses and Jesus did not want to be chosen for the tasks that God gave them.  Andrew and I did not want to be chosen to be parents to a child in Heaven.  We wanted to be chosen to be parents to a healthy baby on earth.  However, as children of God, and the Christians we proclaim to be, we must obey to the best of our ability.

In Exodus, Moses asks God why him?  In Matthew, Jesus asks if there is another way.  In Remembering Riley I just ask why?  I picture a long, boardroom table where God, Jesus, and I all sit and talk about my life.  And then, when we come to why Riley went to Heaven at 37weeks, they give me my answer and I have a moment of pure understanding.

Today I was blessed to be able to share the story of our precious Riley more than once.  Talking about him lights up my heart while at the same time filling my eyes with tears.  It is what I would call at this time a bittersweet story.  We were blessed to be chosen to be Riley's parents, even though the end of our journey on Earth was not the piece we wanted to be chosen for.  I still have my moment of anger, but thankfully, the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear reminders of blessings to come, and of a blessing that was.

I want to ask you all to pray for the mothers, the fathers, the siblings, the grandparents, and all the family and friends of other families who have had stillbirths or miscarriages.  Pray for those who have had abortions.  Pray for those whose babies have been given the statement "incompatible with life".  Pray for those who are pregnant again and being watched ever so closely without the same joy they may have experienced before.  Currently, I have an old friend who is in the hospital.  She is 18 weeks pregnant.  From what I understand, the baby's umbilical cord has already broken through, which can allow germs to enter the womb.  Please pray for her and her sweet baby.  She does not have any children on this Earth, besides the one in her womb.  During my 2nd trimester with Riley, she found out her baby's heart in her 2nd trimester quit beating. 

Lord, I pray that you protect that sweet baby and keep both mother and child healthy.  I pray for those who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant deaths.  I pray for those who desire to get pregnant, but for some reason, have not yet.  I pray for those who have had abortions.  I pray for those who have wanted to share their stories with others, but are afraid to do so.  Lord, bless these women, fill their hearts with your peace and hope.  Fill their wombs with healthy babies. Let it be in your name. Amen.

From Anger Back to Peace

When I last wrote I was full of anger and not liking the thoughts that were filling my head.  When people would tell me that this was just a phase of my grief, I wanted to believe them, but I was also struggling with finding my path to peace again.
Almost a month ago, a dear friend told me about a Choose Healing event that was going to happen on the weekend of June 7-8.  I was hesitant, but when I found out my calendar was free, I signed up to go.  As the week progressed toward the event, I told Andrew that I was dreading being in attendance, but I felt called to go.  I am so glad I went!  What peace filled my soul the first evening.  Very few people there knew my story.  While I wish a could have had a friend or even Andrew go with me, I am now glad that I had some time alone in the pew, worshiping God and slowing letting my anger back into his hands.  If I was next to someone, I may have been a little more reluctant.  I was looking forward to returning on Saturday.  I am happy to say that I left with a partial renewed heart.  Some things will always be difficult, but I choose healing.  I want to do things in honor of my handsome son and I want to do things for other women who unfortunately will someday be in my shoes, if they have not already.

One of the bible verses that struck the deepest with my soul was Ecclesiastes 1:9 "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."  Stillbirth is not new.  Miscarriage is not new.  Infertility is not new.  Abortion is not new.  Whatever your loss may be, and mine is stillbirth, you will find yourself feeling alone and like no one understands.  As I have mentioned before, people will say stupid things.  And unfortunately for our broken hearts, we will watch others get pregnant, maybe time and time again.  We will also witness others have completely healthy births and never experience a loss.  Please don't let your loss be in vain.  Please don't let your loss take you and keep you in the dark shadows of life.  I am crawling out of those corners.  Just because others, and myself, have said that this is normal for our grief, you can be the exception.  Pray hard, pray long, and pray without outside distractions to stay in the light and keep the peace that passes all understanding.  Read Philippians 4:7.  You can have that peace.  It is possible.  I am finding it again.  Praise Jesus!!!

There really is power in prayer.  Without all of you praying for me, I would still be in the dark corners, not even looking for a way out.  For that I am forever blessed and grateful!

Today in church, we sang "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  Please let this song fill your soul when you find yourself feeling like you are alone.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Preparing for a stillbirth

Unfortunately, recently, I have watched a friend learn early on in her pregnancy that her baby would be fatal.  They expected him to be stillborn, or if he was born, they expected him to not live long.  As we went through our pregnancies at about the same time, Andrew and I would often talk about what an inspiration that couple was to us.  They were planning a funeral.  We were planning a surgery.  Little did we know that our surgery planes would be thrown out the window and we would be planning a funeral.
If you have ever taken a birthing class, at least a class like we did, you may receive a lot of papers.  These papers covered checklists or what do do tips for anything from packing for the hospital delivery to baby wipe solution.  The class covered vaginal delivery, cesarean, and emergency cesareans.  We discussed forceps and epidurals.  We talked about what to expect.  What we DID NOT discuss was what to do in case of a stillbirth.
Although our son, Riley, had a chromosome 22q 11 deletion, and that is what likely caused his stillbirth.  Our son was stillborn.  We were planning a surgery, there was NEVER talk about the possibility of him not making it to a live delivery.
Therefore, here we were, learning of our son's utero death at about 11:30 in the morning and planning to start induction that same day, on our smart phones informing family and friends as well as researching what to do.  Luckily, we had a few friends and family members who informed us of a couple of important facts to know.  The rest we learned via Internet explorer.
The couple I mentioned earlier came to see us in the hospital and I remember telling her all about things she should think about as she continued her 4 months of pregnancy, not knowing the outcome of her precious baby.  I talked with her many times after with things we had learned and things that I believed important.  Things that I would have done differently, and things that I will do differently if I ever become pregnant again, although I do not feel the desire to have any more children.
I have told many people that someday I may push to have a stillbirth paper added to the birthing classes.  However, at this time, my energy is drained by all my anger, so I am going to share in this blog.  If you know of anyone who has just learned that they will have to deliver their stillborn child, please pass this along to them.

1. Bag: If you have already packed your bag, take it.  If not, take comfy socks, sports bra, and robe if you want.  Take a plain onesie for your baby, their body will naturally start to decompose and you will want to protect other clothing you put on he or she for pictures so you do not have to scrub as much blood out later.  Take any clothes and blankets that you want your baby photographed in.

2. Sleeping:  Take a movie to watch as you will not be able to sleep thinking about your sudden loss.  Take a small air mattress for your spouse because they may sleep, and if you stay for several days, the hospital pull out chairs and couches are not comfortable.

3. Photos:  Take one last photo of your pregnant belly!   Contact the national organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  Fantastic organization!  They took photos of Riley at no cost to us, and even rushed a couple of images so that we could blow them up for frames at his memorial service.  The photographer was so professional and treated our son like he was an actual person, not a baby's dead body.

4. Epidural:  Worked so great I did not feel the labor pains, however, I also was too dead legged to get up and help bath Riley or change his clothes.  I will not do this again.

5.  After delivery:  Skin to skin.  I loved having my baby skin to skin.  That was in my original birth plan, although with talks of surgery was probably not going to happen.  I had Andrew take a photo of this.  Andrew and a nurse bathed Riley.  They measured him and let me keep the measuring tape.  I requested a lock of his red hair and his foot & hand prints.  We also had him baptized.  I wish I had asked for plastered hand and footprints.  I also wish TN was a state that believed in birth certificates for stillborns, but unfortunately, it is not, but another wonderful mother has been leading the cause to help that become a law.  Riley was born, even if he was not born alive.  I gave birth.  I have the body to prove it!

6.  Visitors:  I did not mind it at first, however, a couple of events have been haunting me, so I know I will not do this again.  First, one person saw Riley, and must have seen me holding onto one of his hands.  His other hand was wrapped up in the blanket, but I wanted to hold his hand.  This person told their mother who in turn told my mother who had not even seen her first grandchild yet, that Riley only had one arm.  If you do not know for sure, do not say anything!  This can be very upsetting to the mother...luckily, at the time I was on so many drugs I laughed about it.  Second, it is an upsetting time for all of the family, especially when is a shock like Riley was.  However, unless you can hold it together for the parents, do not come into the room to hold the child and argue about who should console who.  In the future, I do not wish to have visitors at the hospital, maybe I will change my mind, but more likely I will only allow certain people in at certain times.

7.  Time with your baby:  Most hospitals will not be in any rush to discharge you.  Hold your child as much as you want.  When you are not holding your baby, the nurses will put he or she in the morgue to help preserve the body, but will return your baby to you whenever you like.  I wish I had held Riley longer.  We sent him to the morgue to sleep the first evening.  I wanted my last hours with Riley to be with Andrew and I the next day.  I waited too long to ask for my child, trying to allow visitors time to see us without seeing Riley.  Which is another reason I will not have visitors again.  Family is great, but they struggle with leaving you alone.  What our family may not realize is that Andrew and I have a strong relationship.  The bible says, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."  We are definitely our own team, and as unpredictable or drastic as I may seem during my grief, my husband is by my side and supporting and protecting me every way he can.

8. Burial or Cremation.  We decided to cremate so that we could always have Riley with us.  If for some reason we move, we did not want to have our son buried in another city or state.  I have talked to other parents who have buried their children and then moved.  They hate that their children's grave is not easily accessible.  Some funeral homes will offer free or discounted burials, so if you decide to do this, be sure to ask.  Now, the hospital will offer free cremation, BUT BE WARNED!  They cremate multiple babies at one time, so when you receive the ashes, you will only have some of your child's ashes and lots of other babies.  My regret with cremation is that I did not know or think about having to identify the body.  So when my husbands mother and step-father offered to take care of the cremation for us, we were so overwhelmed with the shock and heartbreak that we did not second guess it.  I learned a few days later that they had to identify the body.  I should have been the last person to see my son.  I wanted to be last person to see my son.  If I ever have to go through this again, I will take care of the cremation.  It is funny how when you are a first time mom, planning your son's funeral or memorial, your motherly instincts kick in.  I wanted to do a lot, as difficult as it was because he was my son and I carried him for 9  months but could not save him, so I wanted to care and do for him as much as I could before I took him home forever.
Andrew and I researched urns online and found one we loved.  The estimated time of shipping was about 4 weeks, but my mother-in-law was able to explain the situation and have it shipped to us within a couple of days.

9.  Funeral or Memorial:  This is really up to you.  We did a memorial 8 days after I delivered Riley.  This allowed time for planning, time for autopsy, and time for family and friends to travel in for the service.  We had a few friends sing and read poems.  We had time of testimony.  Andrew and I composed a letter to our son, and with some Ativan, I was even able to get through reading the letter.  Ask your OB for something to help take the edge and panic off as you attend the funeral or memorial and give hugs and listen to wonderful people say stupid things that they think help.

About 1 in 150 babies will be stillborn.  With this high statistic I think more people should be aware of and prepared for stillbirth.  October is stillbirth awareness month.

We knew Riley had a severe heart condition.  It was not until his autopsy that we learned his chromosome abnormality.  To me, I will always associate Riley with stillbirth.  When I think about 1 in 150 babies, I wonder why God chose us to be that 1?  I have a very large family, and no one has had a still birth that we are aware of.  I have over 30 cousins on my mother's side, yet I had the first stillborn child.  As I write this I think it is ironic that I never win anything.  I could drop my name in a drawing that only 10 people entered and not be the 1 of 10 winner.  However, out of 150 babies, our son was 1.  Maybe because of the tragedy of the situation I could look at it and say that we still didn't 'win'.  Out of 149 winners, we lost.  I definitely feel robbed.  However, I am grateful that my son did not have to endure heart surgery in his young life.  But I feel robbed, jealous, and angry.  And I constantly think about what I can do in honor of my son to help raise awareness.  And I think about if I were to be pregnant again, which I would only do for my husband because I know that is what he wants, what I would do differently.  People may not like it, and I may upset family or friends.  I do not mean to....this is just me pouring my heart out and preparing those for stillbirths ahead as well as those for any future births I may have.

"Red Cross"

About a month ago, when I was having one of my most difficult days at the time...I have had worse since...a friend stopped by the office to give me a hug.  I was working in the office on this day, but kept the doors locked because we did not have any patients, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone.  When I let my friend in I explained that I was just not feeling up to seeing anyone and I was 'ok' in the sense that I was not going to harm myself, I was just at a very angry place, she said something to me that has been on my mind ever since.  She explained that although I may not want to see anyone, and I may honestly be 'ok', when people know someone is hurting, they want to do whatever they can to reach out and help.  She said it is like I am a national disaster and people around me are the Red Cross wanting to step in and help clean up the mess.  Alright, so she didn't say I was a national disaster, but she did say that people are like the Red Cross and want to help.  This implied to me that people see the complicated mess that is now my life and want to help, which is why I will probably refer to myself as a national disaster many times in upcoming blogs.  It is true, we are human, and it is our nature to want to help when someone is helplessly hurting or struggling.  However, the loss of a child is something that cannot be fixed or helped.  It is something I have to learn how to work with on my updated life resume.
This thought of the Red Cross sat directly in all of my thoughts this past weekend.  We had decided to be a part of a Pay It Forward festival in our town, and had a booth for our business.  The festival was suppose to last until 5pm, but around 4pm staff members came and let us know that we could pack up because of the approaching bad storm.  It does not take us much time to tear down our booths, so when we were finished, and we could see the dark clouds coming in with lightening in the distance, we looked at our neighbors who were still cleaning up their area.  We immediately began helping them clean up their area and load their trailer.  Once they were on the road, Andrew and I decided to head toward the main stage and festival headquarters to see who else needed help.  At that time, the rain came crashing down with lightening in the area, and thunder booming so close and so fast after the flash of lightening, that we knew we were in the middle of the storm.  That did not stop us from doing what we could to help.  Helping out neighbors, friends, and even strangers in a time of need is what being a part of a community is all about.  When people were thanking us, we explained it was not a problem, and our pleasure to help.  We explained that is what being a part of a community meant.  Ding, ding, ding!  Red Cross.  National Disaster.  Here we were, risking our safety to help others, without a second thought.  They did not ask for our help, but we were there.  And it felt good to be there, no expectations, no thanks needed, just helping out our fellow community members.  Suddenly, what my friend had said made sense.
However, with that being said, I want to explain that as hard as it may be to not step in and play Red Cross to me, or anyone else in a similar situation.....it really may be the best thing.  When I was really struggling and wanting time to myself, the phone calls and messages as well as the visitors increased.  Unfortunately, this only upset me more.  Five days a week I have to put on a front and leave my personal life at the door so I can help run a pleasant office experience for our patients and parents.  It is very difficult, especially to see these beautiful children everyday, to smile and give the common response of "I'm good" when someone asks how I am.  Many parents are learning our story, but our story is not what our purpose in the office is each day.  It is difficult to share our story and see the look of "I'm sorry" on a parent's face.  It is a natural response, but I feel like if I share the story I am looking for pity....when all I really want is to be at least 5 years past this part of my life.
I am at a very angry part of my grief.  Grief does not have a time limit.  Grief does not have a natural course of order, meaning different emotions come at different times.  I struggle with worrying about how everyone else feels and what someone else will think of what I want to say.  I am learning to be selfish and honest.  I dislike it when someone asks me how I am.  How do you think I am?  My usual response is that I am not ok, but I am not-not ok...I just am.  This is where I am at this point of my life.  I do not wish to talk about it much.  I do not wish to socialize.  I am learning that when I agree to things ahead of time, it is not a good idea because usually, by the time the activity arises, I no longer want to go and I get in a panic mode.  I do not like to go out much besides being at the office.  I am continuing my networking and a few other things I already committed to at this time.  But please do not be offended if I turn down lunch or coffee.  I have told Andrew that this year, I want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in our home, probably alone.  I love our families, but large crowds...more than 3 people anymore can put me into a "hide & cover" mode.  We still have about 240 days of firsts to go through before Riley's Angelversary.
No one can fix me, no one can fix our situation.  Only God can heal and give peace, but currently, I am so angry at him, that this stage of my grief will probably last awhile.  Andrew is so amazing.  He has helped protect me by stopping or changing conversations that may upset me.  I am so blessed to be his wife.  I am also blessed by having so many people that love me and want to play Red Cross, so please understand how thankful I am that you would come to my rescue, but realize that your prayers are the only aide I need at this time.  Hugs are also one that I would like to pass on.  I have never really been much of a hugger, but lately, the thought of having to give another hug is more stressful than it should be.
God bless you all, and please just pray for Andrew and I as we continue to adjust to our new life.  I know he loves the hugs and does not mind talking.  As for me, I am sending the Red Cross back to their homes.  My national disaster life is still in the middle of the storm and not ready for any more aide.