As the holidays approach, I think more and more about what we did for the holidays last year, as well as how Andrew and I decided to stay home for the holidays this year. When we were first married, we talked about staying home on Thanksgiving and Christmas when we had children, to form our own family traditions. We decided we would travel to visit family before or after the holidays. Two things changed those thoughts and discussions a little.
First, we opened a pediatric dental practice. With pediatric patients, we are the busiest when the kids are not in school....holiday breaks, summer breaks, spring and fall breaks. Therefore, having hours of availability became important for us for our patients, limiting the times we can travel to visit family.
Second, we had our first child, our son Riley. Even though Riley does not live with us on Earth, he was still our first child and we decided to start our family traditions this year as we had planned. For Christmas this year we are having a stocking made for Riley. Every year we will put a contribution in the stocking for a charity in memory of Riley. When our other children are old enough, they will help decide what organization will receive that check. We are also going to purchase a gift for a child off the Angel Tree in town in memory of Riley. Our first contribution in memory of Riley this Christmas season was putting an Operation Christmas Child box together with things we would have given Riley.
Last year, especially after Thanksgiving, my ankles, fingers, and face were swollen. I was miserable and uncomfortable. I usually didn't mention it because I was blessed to be carrying Riley and we were planning his surgery and planning for him to come home. We were walking beside our friends who were also pregnant, but planning to say goodbye before their son would even be born. Complaining about how I felt didn't feel right. By Christmas Eve, my blood pressure was high and I didn't want to move off the couch. I went to Christmas Eve Service and sat most of the time, uncomfortable with my feet propped on my grandmother-in-law's walker. After we lost Riley, when the enemy spoke deep into my thoughts, he told me how I should not have done things I did with my blood pressure high. Even though I know that is not what caused Riley's death, I still cannot help but think about what I can do to be a better mom to this son.
Therefore, when I am uncomfortable, I am staying home! I have already put myself on modified bed rest, which I do believe is some of what has helped keep my swelling and blood pressure down this time. Even if that is not the reason, it helps ease my mind at the moment. I have experience more Braxton Hicks this time and do not want to push my limits. I know I am being selfish, and that if the doctors are telling me so far everything looks good, than I probably do not need to be as cautious as I am. But, if the doctors can follow their protocol and follow me more closely due to our history, even though everything looks great, than I can also start my own protocol and be more cautious of what I do.
I do feel a little out of place complaining about how I feel and how uncomfortable I am. I know that many of us who have experienced a loss or have had an unpleasant pregnancy get irritated when we hear how easy another has had it. We also do not like to hear of someone just feeling the "normal" uncomfortable parts of pregnancy when they have never felt the uncomfortable pregnancy loss. However, I will never have a normal pregnancy, and every uncomfortable feeling to me is a thought to worry. And when I worry I remember that God has this pregnancy and does not want me to worry, so then I have moments of peace. But soon, I worry again and the cycle continues. Some days it is easier to let go and others it is easier to take it back. I am not perfect, but I am grateful for every one's thoughts and prayers, and for our Pastor Andy's sermons. I remember one recently in which he talked about getting overwhelmed. After that sermon I was more at peace and relaxed than I had been in awhile, unfortunately, it only lasted about 2 weeks. I pray often for peace and I receive God's favor when I ask to feel our baby boy kick, and then he moves or kicks. I can also feel God smiling on me as he knows that I will ask again all too soon as I am still the learning, silly child of his who is blessed to be chosen to carry one of his children that he chose for us to be earthly parents to.
In my "Jesus Calling" devotional, today's devotional read, "To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds. How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times. They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them. Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast Companion."
I am reminded how thankful I am for Riley, and how I would do it all over again even if I knew the outcome. I am thankful to be pregnant with this son, and I am thankful for all the aches, pains, weight gain, and swelling that may come with it. I know that God has this, and He knows I will probably still worry because our loss of Riley does make me a little timid. He knows that I will seek Him everyday and every step of this pregnancy and beyond. I am thankful that He is a forgiving God and that He loves me despite all my faults and worries.
So yes, if you were wondering, this year I am going to be a little selfish and stay home for the holidays to ease my mind and make myself feel a little more comfortable and a little more like a better mother because that is all I know as a mother. However, I am open to visitors over the holidays! I am just not going to sit in a car, travel, stand, and not have access to my own bed, maternity pillow, and private bathroom. And I am thankful that God gave me Andrew as my mate and he supports my selfish need at this time and helps take such great care of me! I am also grateful that Andrew is my best friend, my prayer warrior and helps me stay more positive about the outcome of this pregnancy!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
OCTOBER - National Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month
October is a National Month for many things. October is mostly known for Breast Cancer Awareness. However, this month is now even more special to me due to it being Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
During the month of October of 1998 President Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Not many people know that President Reagan also lost a child. His child lived for one day. Maybe this is why his proclamation is so touching to me, not for my own loss or the losses my friends and loved ones have endured, but because he also experienced a loss. It means a lot to me to have someone make a proclamation for something in which he or she knows what others have felt and experienced. He was not one who said "I know how you feel" only to never have felt it...he felt it!
Many people never share the story of their loss. Many people grieve in silence. Everyone does not grieve in the same way. For me, I have learned that many who have grieved before me, who grieved in silence, wish they had not. Maybe the world is changing and people are discovering they do not have to be quiet or pretend to be alright any longer. A dear friend sent me this quote she read somewhere, "I will stop grieving when I stop breathing". I cannot tell you how true and honest that quote is.
I am not going to grieve in silence, however, I am not going to let my grief overcome me. I am going to celebrate the life that was. I am going to celebrate and talk about Riley when opportunities arise. I am already thinking about all the different ways this child in my womb will learn about his or her big brother! I am currently reading Angie Smith's book, "Mended". Angie talked about her precious Audrey and how she wanted Audrey to have "weight". I want Riley to have weight. My father spoke at Riley's memorial about how we all have a purpose from God. He said at the end that Riley fulfilled his purpose. That he had a job well done. I am learning however, that Riley still continues to work even though he resides in Heaven!
I ask this month that you not only make sure you have had your mammograms and check your breasts for lumps. I ask this month that you not only pray for those who have fought or are fighting the battle of breast cancer. But I ask that you also pray for those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. Pray for those who you may not know have had miscarriages. Pray for those who are suffering in silence. Pray for those who are in the dark and suffering in public from their loss. I have been in the dark. It is a scary place. I thank God for not leaving me and helping me to find the light again. I thank God for those who never left my side during that time and for those who prayed harder for me than they may have prayed in their entire lives.
Even more important this month to me, may be the date of October 15th. A wonderful women named Robyn Bear founded www.october15th.com. She also helped recognize October 15th as a National Day to remember our lost babies. On this day, please turn your car lights on as you drive around. On this day, at 7pm, no matter what time zone you are in, please light a candle and let it burn for at least 1 hour. If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and allows it to burn for 1 hour, then we will have a "continuous wave of light" all over the world on October 15th in Remembrance of our lost babies. You should check out Robyn's website and look for local walks and activities. I have been blessed to help plan a local event in our area on October 15th.
I like to think this month our babies are dancing in heaven as more people become aware of how many pregnancy and infant losses occur around them. Our babies are just as anxious to hug us as we are to hug them! But Praise God that my Riley is in the safest place He can be and it He is one of my children I will not worry about daily. How blessed am I to have my son be with Our Father!
During the month of October of 1998 President Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Not many people know that President Reagan also lost a child. His child lived for one day. Maybe this is why his proclamation is so touching to me, not for my own loss or the losses my friends and loved ones have endured, but because he also experienced a loss. It means a lot to me to have someone make a proclamation for something in which he or she knows what others have felt and experienced. He was not one who said "I know how you feel" only to never have felt it...he felt it!
Many people never share the story of their loss. Many people grieve in silence. Everyone does not grieve in the same way. For me, I have learned that many who have grieved before me, who grieved in silence, wish they had not. Maybe the world is changing and people are discovering they do not have to be quiet or pretend to be alright any longer. A dear friend sent me this quote she read somewhere, "I will stop grieving when I stop breathing". I cannot tell you how true and honest that quote is.
I am not going to grieve in silence, however, I am not going to let my grief overcome me. I am going to celebrate the life that was. I am going to celebrate and talk about Riley when opportunities arise. I am already thinking about all the different ways this child in my womb will learn about his or her big brother! I am currently reading Angie Smith's book, "Mended". Angie talked about her precious Audrey and how she wanted Audrey to have "weight". I want Riley to have weight. My father spoke at Riley's memorial about how we all have a purpose from God. He said at the end that Riley fulfilled his purpose. That he had a job well done. I am learning however, that Riley still continues to work even though he resides in Heaven!
I ask this month that you not only make sure you have had your mammograms and check your breasts for lumps. I ask this month that you not only pray for those who have fought or are fighting the battle of breast cancer. But I ask that you also pray for those who have experienced a pregnancy or infant loss. Pray for those who you may not know have had miscarriages. Pray for those who are suffering in silence. Pray for those who are in the dark and suffering in public from their loss. I have been in the dark. It is a scary place. I thank God for not leaving me and helping me to find the light again. I thank God for those who never left my side during that time and for those who prayed harder for me than they may have prayed in their entire lives.
Even more important this month to me, may be the date of October 15th. A wonderful women named Robyn Bear founded www.october15th.com. She also helped recognize October 15th as a National Day to remember our lost babies. On this day, please turn your car lights on as you drive around. On this day, at 7pm, no matter what time zone you are in, please light a candle and let it burn for at least 1 hour. If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and allows it to burn for 1 hour, then we will have a "continuous wave of light" all over the world on October 15th in Remembrance of our lost babies. You should check out Robyn's website and look for local walks and activities. I have been blessed to help plan a local event in our area on October 15th.
I like to think this month our babies are dancing in heaven as more people become aware of how many pregnancy and infant losses occur around them. Our babies are just as anxious to hug us as we are to hug them! But Praise God that my Riley is in the safest place He can be and it He is one of my children I will not worry about daily. How blessed am I to have my son be with Our Father!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Hypersensitivity - Pregnancy after a Loss
When I became pregnant with Riley, I spoke to my OB's office and told them my over-the-counter pregnancy test was positive, they told me to celebrate. I was given the option of coming in for a blood test, but told that the over-the-counter tests were fairly accurate. I took 2 more tests within the next couple days that were also positive.
When I became pregnant with this baby, I was asked what test I took, and scheduled for a blood test, not given the option. Below is what we have experienced so far during this pregnancy, minus the normal fears and worries of every ache, pain, and day of feeling 100%:
4 weeks pregnant: Found out pregnant 6/8/13
Called OB office first thing Monday morning
Monday pm had blood drawn
Tuesday, received results and scheduled ultrasound for Wednesday
Wednesday had ultrasound showing yolk sac and more blood work
Thursday, received results of blood work, hCG doubled in 48 hours
6 weeks pregnant: Ultrasound that shows fetus, fetal pole and heartbeat
7 weeks pregnant: Visit OB office, draw blood. We are told my progesterone levels are good, but if I
start feeling well to call. The worse I feel, the better for this baby.
9 weeks pregnant: Use fetal monitor at home to hear heartbeat
10 weeks pregnant: Visit OB office with ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat and discussed the future of
this pregnancy. This day was filled with smiles and hugs from the staff.
Go back at 14 weeks for next check up.
Go to maternal fetal specialist at 21 weeks for gender ultrasound and to have a
thorough inspection of the ultrasound.
Depending on results of that ultrasound, is where we go after 21 weeks.
At 32 weeks I will be seen twice per week with 24 hour urine collection as needed
14 weeks pregnant: Visit OB office. Heard heartbeat. Discussed travel with pregnancy, (lots of
breaks, lots of water). Also lost a little weight, but not concerned yet. While sitting and bending over to wrap our dog's paw, I felt a quick odd, slightly painful jab in my side, but have not felt anything else since. I figured it was the baby not liking me in that position.
15 weeks pregnant: I am starting to worry a little more, trying to remember to fully trust God.
I had a painful burning feeling just to the left and above my belly button with 3 red bumps one evening. I put liquid benedryl on the spots and they were gone within an hour. Burning sensation was gone after about 5 hours. I am feeling our baby move as I type this, knowing God is trying to reassure me. Also, staring to fear the ultrasound at 21 weeks because I am waiting to hear what is wrong, having a hard time believing all is good.
16 weeks pregnant: A dear friend helped us try to find out our baby's sex before vacation. We had a leg crosser! However, we took a guess and decided to wait until our ultrasound at the maternal fetal medicine clinic to learn if our guess was correct.
18 weeks pregnant: My blood pressure was high at this visit. I had also lost more weight. Now I am starting to get concerned! I had to lay in a reclining chair and let them take my blood pressure again before I left the office. Then Andrew had to monitor it and I am supposed to call next week to let them know my readings.
We checked my blood pressure and it fluctuated. However, I was away from Andrew for the weekend on a women's retreat and using a digital monitor. I called my doctor on Wednesday, and they asked me to come in for a quick check the next day.
19 weeks pregnant: My blood pressure was more normal and I had finally gained 1 pound!!!
20-22 weeks pregnant: So the ultrasounds are reading with an earlier due date than the calculations! Our doctor told us that we would finalize a due date based off both calculations from my LMP and ultrasounds at our next visit in 3 weeks. We learned the sex of the baby, but have decided to have a gender reveal of some sort before we make our announcement. The baby was semi-cooperative, however, so far things look good. This child has a 3-vessel umbilical cord and does not currently show any markers of anything that should suggest we have chromosome testing for this child at this time. We learned after Riley that Andrew and I are not carriers, that Riley's chromosome abnormality was a fluke mutation. Our beautiful baby boy was special and one of a kind to us for sure! But, due to the baby not getting into the positions the doctor wanted to see certain things, we are going to go back in 3 weeks for another scan and compare the two scans.
My blood pressure was high at this visit, but we think it was due to the nerves of the appointment since this was our first visit to the maternal fetal specialist with this baby. The smells of the ultrasound jelly are starting to flood my mind with memories of our sweet Riley.
22 weeks pregnant: Blood pressure has finally started to stay in the normal range. Our doctor said this is about the time in pregnancy when blood pressure stays low or lowers, so we will still watch it. I was nervous for this visit. Last week a good friend delivered her son sleeping at 21 weeks. Over the weekend I had terrible pains that suddenly hit me. We decided I was either constipated or dehydrated. After some rest, water, and stool softeners I felt much better. I was thinking about asking for anxiety medication at this appointment, but God clearly spoke to me and reminded me that he is the only anxiety medication I need at this time. I need to keep letting go and letting God!
23 weeks pregnant: Gender Reveal! Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZga0p7lFFg to find out what we are having!
24 weeks pregnant: Saw the Maternal Fetal Specialist. Things look great! Our doctor compared today's ultrasound with the one taken 3 weeks ago. She also compared it to Riley's scans. Everything looks good and the baby cooperated so they were able to see all the views they wanted to see. We return to this office in a few weeks. I will be monitored closely, which is alright with me! We are going to stick with the February 13 due date at this time. I was filled with much more peace after this. I think it also helped that this past week I was able to honor and remember Riley in two different events!
25 weeks pregnant: Had some contractions and an uneasy feeling. Called my nurse who told us to check into the hospital to be monitored. We learned that everything is fine, although I am at a higher risk for pre-term labor due to being pregnant so soon after our loss. We also learned that there had been an intestinal bug going around causing many other pregnant women having the same symptoms to check into hospitals. My symptoms included loose stools, lack of appetite, uneasy feeling, and contractions. Of course I was stubborn, and waited to call the nurse when I was feeling a little better, but still uneasy. I had been having bad cramps and back pains that put my in the bed in the fetal position, or at least as close to the fetal position as I could get since my son is growing so much my belly was in the way. We saw our maternal fetal specialist this week and had a quick ultrasound. We were assured everything was looking well and our son is growing like a weed. In fact, he is in the 98% for growth!
26 weeks pregnant: Had my regular visit with my OB. Blood pressure was normal. Heart beat was 143 for baby, but I had just drank the glucola for my test. I was also told that the tech at the hospital the week prior had noted fluid around our son's heart. However, because the maternal fetal specialist didn't note anything, she wasn't concerned. I was not convinced, so I call our maternal fetal specialist who assured me that a little fluid was normal and it could have been the angle of the ultrasound, especially since they were focusing on my cervical length at the hospital, not our baby's heart. She said that I could come in for a scan earlier than my next visit, but I felt better after talk to her and I am trusting God with his plan for our son. I had some peace after that phone call.
I never heard from my OB's office so I must have passed the glucola test. She did tell me they were worried about my weight gain because now I had gained too much since my last visit, but it is difficult to tell if I am making up for what I lost earlier in the pregnancy or not. She told me in about 5 weeks I am going to be seen twice per week.
To ease my nerves as of late, and with the agreement of my wonderful husband, we have decided to put me on a modified bed rest plan and take it a little easier than we currently have been.
28 weeks pregnant: Had my regular visit with my OB and another visit with the Maternal Fetal Specialists. My blood pressure is great, heart beat is good, and we did not discuss my weight. However, our son weighs 3lbs and 10oz! Big Boy! He also showed us how he is practicing his breathing 2 weeks ahead of schedule!
Starting the week of December 19th I will be seen twice a week for biophysical profiling. On Mondays and Thursdays I will be monitored.
I was given a jug for a 24 hour urine test. This is a difficult test, mostly because you have to schedule your life around peeking in a pan to pour into a jug and refrigerate between bathroom runs. When I turned the jug into the lab, I did not have any orders to go with it. Because I took the jug in over my lunch break, the lab technician was also on her lunch break. Apparently, a blood test usually goes along with this test, however, it was not mentioned to me and I did not have any papers to turn in. The nice people at the lab found someone to draw my blood. The man explained he was going to draw more than necessary just in case they needed to test for anything else once they figured out what all was to be tested. The next day I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to have my blood drawn for testing. When I explained that I had that done, they did some more research and called back to let me know that they found my blood samples. I am grateful for the humor in the situation! Just what I needed during my second pregnancy, which is proving to be just as nerve racking as the first! Unfortunately, I will never know what a "normal" pregnancy is.
I am feeling him move, mostly at night, and especially when I am assisting Andrew. Andrew said he is going to be a dentist because he moves when he hears the drills! My comfort level is pushed to the limits. My legs ache, my back aches, and my stomach is constantly tight. I am having a lot of braxton hicks contractions, and I think I am feeling my stomach stretch constantly as our growing boy is outgrowing his space! I had Andrew take a picture of me in the same outfit I wore to the hospital to deliver Riley. I am less swollen, and my stomach is only a couple inches different from 28 weeks vs. 37 weeks! It was interesting to see!
When I became pregnant with this baby, I was asked what test I took, and scheduled for a blood test, not given the option. Below is what we have experienced so far during this pregnancy, minus the normal fears and worries of every ache, pain, and day of feeling 100%:
4 weeks pregnant: Found out pregnant 6/8/13
Called OB office first thing Monday morning
Monday pm had blood drawn
Tuesday, received results and scheduled ultrasound for Wednesday
Wednesday had ultrasound showing yolk sac and more blood work
Thursday, received results of blood work, hCG doubled in 48 hours
6 weeks pregnant: Ultrasound that shows fetus, fetal pole and heartbeat
7 weeks pregnant: Visit OB office, draw blood. We are told my progesterone levels are good, but if I
start feeling well to call. The worse I feel, the better for this baby.
9 weeks pregnant: Use fetal monitor at home to hear heartbeat
10 weeks pregnant: Visit OB office with ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat and discussed the future of
this pregnancy. This day was filled with smiles and hugs from the staff.
Go back at 14 weeks for next check up.
Go to maternal fetal specialist at 21 weeks for gender ultrasound and to have a
thorough inspection of the ultrasound.
Depending on results of that ultrasound, is where we go after 21 weeks.
At 32 weeks I will be seen twice per week with 24 hour urine collection as needed
14 weeks pregnant: Visit OB office. Heard heartbeat. Discussed travel with pregnancy, (lots of
breaks, lots of water). Also lost a little weight, but not concerned yet. While sitting and bending over to wrap our dog's paw, I felt a quick odd, slightly painful jab in my side, but have not felt anything else since. I figured it was the baby not liking me in that position.
15 weeks pregnant: I am starting to worry a little more, trying to remember to fully trust God.
I had a painful burning feeling just to the left and above my belly button with 3 red bumps one evening. I put liquid benedryl on the spots and they were gone within an hour. Burning sensation was gone after about 5 hours. I am feeling our baby move as I type this, knowing God is trying to reassure me. Also, staring to fear the ultrasound at 21 weeks because I am waiting to hear what is wrong, having a hard time believing all is good.
16 weeks pregnant: A dear friend helped us try to find out our baby's sex before vacation. We had a leg crosser! However, we took a guess and decided to wait until our ultrasound at the maternal fetal medicine clinic to learn if our guess was correct.
18 weeks pregnant: My blood pressure was high at this visit. I had also lost more weight. Now I am starting to get concerned! I had to lay in a reclining chair and let them take my blood pressure again before I left the office. Then Andrew had to monitor it and I am supposed to call next week to let them know my readings.
We checked my blood pressure and it fluctuated. However, I was away from Andrew for the weekend on a women's retreat and using a digital monitor. I called my doctor on Wednesday, and they asked me to come in for a quick check the next day.
19 weeks pregnant: My blood pressure was more normal and I had finally gained 1 pound!!!
20-22 weeks pregnant: So the ultrasounds are reading with an earlier due date than the calculations! Our doctor told us that we would finalize a due date based off both calculations from my LMP and ultrasounds at our next visit in 3 weeks. We learned the sex of the baby, but have decided to have a gender reveal of some sort before we make our announcement. The baby was semi-cooperative, however, so far things look good. This child has a 3-vessel umbilical cord and does not currently show any markers of anything that should suggest we have chromosome testing for this child at this time. We learned after Riley that Andrew and I are not carriers, that Riley's chromosome abnormality was a fluke mutation. Our beautiful baby boy was special and one of a kind to us for sure! But, due to the baby not getting into the positions the doctor wanted to see certain things, we are going to go back in 3 weeks for another scan and compare the two scans.
My blood pressure was high at this visit, but we think it was due to the nerves of the appointment since this was our first visit to the maternal fetal specialist with this baby. The smells of the ultrasound jelly are starting to flood my mind with memories of our sweet Riley.
22 weeks pregnant: Blood pressure has finally started to stay in the normal range. Our doctor said this is about the time in pregnancy when blood pressure stays low or lowers, so we will still watch it. I was nervous for this visit. Last week a good friend delivered her son sleeping at 21 weeks. Over the weekend I had terrible pains that suddenly hit me. We decided I was either constipated or dehydrated. After some rest, water, and stool softeners I felt much better. I was thinking about asking for anxiety medication at this appointment, but God clearly spoke to me and reminded me that he is the only anxiety medication I need at this time. I need to keep letting go and letting God!
23 weeks pregnant: Gender Reveal! Check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZga0p7lFFg to find out what we are having!
24 weeks pregnant: Saw the Maternal Fetal Specialist. Things look great! Our doctor compared today's ultrasound with the one taken 3 weeks ago. She also compared it to Riley's scans. Everything looks good and the baby cooperated so they were able to see all the views they wanted to see. We return to this office in a few weeks. I will be monitored closely, which is alright with me! We are going to stick with the February 13 due date at this time. I was filled with much more peace after this. I think it also helped that this past week I was able to honor and remember Riley in two different events!
25 weeks pregnant: Had some contractions and an uneasy feeling. Called my nurse who told us to check into the hospital to be monitored. We learned that everything is fine, although I am at a higher risk for pre-term labor due to being pregnant so soon after our loss. We also learned that there had been an intestinal bug going around causing many other pregnant women having the same symptoms to check into hospitals. My symptoms included loose stools, lack of appetite, uneasy feeling, and contractions. Of course I was stubborn, and waited to call the nurse when I was feeling a little better, but still uneasy. I had been having bad cramps and back pains that put my in the bed in the fetal position, or at least as close to the fetal position as I could get since my son is growing so much my belly was in the way. We saw our maternal fetal specialist this week and had a quick ultrasound. We were assured everything was looking well and our son is growing like a weed. In fact, he is in the 98% for growth!
26 weeks pregnant: Had my regular visit with my OB. Blood pressure was normal. Heart beat was 143 for baby, but I had just drank the glucola for my test. I was also told that the tech at the hospital the week prior had noted fluid around our son's heart. However, because the maternal fetal specialist didn't note anything, she wasn't concerned. I was not convinced, so I call our maternal fetal specialist who assured me that a little fluid was normal and it could have been the angle of the ultrasound, especially since they were focusing on my cervical length at the hospital, not our baby's heart. She said that I could come in for a scan earlier than my next visit, but I felt better after talk to her and I am trusting God with his plan for our son. I had some peace after that phone call.
I never heard from my OB's office so I must have passed the glucola test. She did tell me they were worried about my weight gain because now I had gained too much since my last visit, but it is difficult to tell if I am making up for what I lost earlier in the pregnancy or not. She told me in about 5 weeks I am going to be seen twice per week.
To ease my nerves as of late, and with the agreement of my wonderful husband, we have decided to put me on a modified bed rest plan and take it a little easier than we currently have been.
28 weeks pregnant: Had my regular visit with my OB and another visit with the Maternal Fetal Specialists. My blood pressure is great, heart beat is good, and we did not discuss my weight. However, our son weighs 3lbs and 10oz! Big Boy! He also showed us how he is practicing his breathing 2 weeks ahead of schedule!
Starting the week of December 19th I will be seen twice a week for biophysical profiling. On Mondays and Thursdays I will be monitored.
I was given a jug for a 24 hour urine test. This is a difficult test, mostly because you have to schedule your life around peeking in a pan to pour into a jug and refrigerate between bathroom runs. When I turned the jug into the lab, I did not have any orders to go with it. Because I took the jug in over my lunch break, the lab technician was also on her lunch break. Apparently, a blood test usually goes along with this test, however, it was not mentioned to me and I did not have any papers to turn in. The nice people at the lab found someone to draw my blood. The man explained he was going to draw more than necessary just in case they needed to test for anything else once they figured out what all was to be tested. The next day I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to have my blood drawn for testing. When I explained that I had that done, they did some more research and called back to let me know that they found my blood samples. I am grateful for the humor in the situation! Just what I needed during my second pregnancy, which is proving to be just as nerve racking as the first! Unfortunately, I will never know what a "normal" pregnancy is.
I am feeling him move, mostly at night, and especially when I am assisting Andrew. Andrew said he is going to be a dentist because he moves when he hears the drills! My comfort level is pushed to the limits. My legs ache, my back aches, and my stomach is constantly tight. I am having a lot of braxton hicks contractions, and I think I am feeling my stomach stretch constantly as our growing boy is outgrowing his space! I had Andrew take a picture of me in the same outfit I wore to the hospital to deliver Riley. I am less swollen, and my stomach is only a couple inches different from 28 weeks vs. 37 weeks! It was interesting to see!
30 weeks pregnant: We received my results from my 24hr urine & blood test. My numbers are on the high side, but with their new guidelines, they are not going to worry unless my blood pressure rises or my swelling increases. If either of those happen, I will probably do another test to decide what steps we should take. My weight has stabilized, I have not had much swelling, and our son is very active & growing! Our OB said today that she would not be surprised if he came early, but they would like me to get to at least 36 weeks. It is almost unbelievable to think that from now until 10 weeks from now we will be welcoming our second child into the world, with the hope of keeping this one with us on earth. Maybe I should pack the hospital bag, set up the nursery, and install the car seat.....!
31 weeks pregnant: I began getting a sore throat one night. I woke up feeling awful. By the fourth day I called my OB's office and spoke to the doctor on call. They recommended zyrtec and mucinex as well as using my neti pot. After 3 more days, I called my OB office again. This time my pain was worse and I was developing a sinus infection. I was prescribed a z-pack. I was nervous about the baby because I had not been eating much and I was not drinking as much water as I should have. A day later I felt even worse. I was dizzy, seeing floaters, and felt very weak. I had also not felt the baby move much. I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was high. We called our maternal fetal specialist and then drove to their office to have an ultrasound. Baby was great, and my fluid levels were good. We believe I had a bad cold that developed into a sinus infection. Because I had just started the z-pack, I was to take a prescription steroid if I was not feeling better by the end of the z-pack. I felt so sick during that week that I did not sleep well at night and spent many nights watching TV, trying to fall asleep sitting up.
32 weeks pregnant: I was feeling a little better. My blood pressure is still higher than they like to see. The baby is doing great and measuring 5lbs 13oz with bone length in the 35 week measurement! We discussed a big baby and avoiding cesarean. We also discussed my blood pressure and continued monitoring. We discussed our loss of Riley at 37 weeks. The end result of this appointment was basically:
1. If blood pressure stays up, then we will discuss medication and possible induction.
2. If baby continues to grow like he is, and because of our loss at 37 weeks, we have a case for induction around 36-37weeks.
We will do what we can to prevent cesarean. After delivering Riley vaginally, it is important to me to deliver this son in the same way. To push a child out of me that was not moving and did not make a sound is difficult, especially when it is your first child. This time, I want to hear my child cry and feel him move. I don't want to be numb from the waist down. I want to get up and help bathe my son.
It is crazy to think that within the next 4 weeks we will more than likely be meeting our second son. Especially when months ago we were discussing a February due date!
When people ask my now when my due date is, I usually respond with a chuckle and say, "Anywhere between now and 4 more weeks". Sometimes I go into how I am technically due in February. Most of the time I do not.
Between our doctors advising me to take it as easy as possible and my blood pressure fluctuating along with swelling, I am now on modified bed rest. I am doing what I can to avoid complete bed rest. I am praying for a healthy son to come within the next few weeks. I am praying for a vaginal delivery. I am praying for my blood pressure and swelling to stay down and not fluctuate.
33-35 weeks pregnant: What a whirlwind the last couple weeks have been! We have been busy working and preparing for my leave from the office. Last week my blood pressure stayed slightly elevated and increased to some scary numbers a couple of times. Sitting with my feet up was the only thing that helped it come down. I was also spilling more protein. And, at our last non-stress test we learned I was having contractions & didn't realize it. I was about 50% effaced and no dilation at that point. We will learn if that has changed this coming Thursday. At last Thursday's appointment, the discussion of my blood pressure and urine were enough concern to have me admitted to the hospital for 24hr monitoring. We also learned that depending on the results of monitoring would be whether or not I would need to be induced then, stay in the hospital for monitoring & bed rest, or go home to bed rest. In the end, I am now home for bed rest until my next appointment. I am not allowed to do laundry, cook, move around much, or leave the house. Depending on the results from my vitals and the BPP at my next appointment is whether or not we are induced this weekend or another week of bed rest, hopefully at my home and not at the hospital.
36 weeks pregnant: After a week of bed rest, I am still showing signs of elevated blood pressure and protein in my urine. We have decided to induce me the following Tuesday (January 21, 2014). I am 50% effaced and 2cm dilated. Fortunately with Riley, the induction went well and quickly. We are hoping for the same, although this son is bigger. But, if God is with me, who can be against me? 5 days from now I will end my bed rest and check in to be induced to meet my second son, another gift from God!
31 weeks pregnant: I began getting a sore throat one night. I woke up feeling awful. By the fourth day I called my OB's office and spoke to the doctor on call. They recommended zyrtec and mucinex as well as using my neti pot. After 3 more days, I called my OB office again. This time my pain was worse and I was developing a sinus infection. I was prescribed a z-pack. I was nervous about the baby because I had not been eating much and I was not drinking as much water as I should have. A day later I felt even worse. I was dizzy, seeing floaters, and felt very weak. I had also not felt the baby move much. I had Andrew check my blood pressure and it was high. We called our maternal fetal specialist and then drove to their office to have an ultrasound. Baby was great, and my fluid levels were good. We believe I had a bad cold that developed into a sinus infection. Because I had just started the z-pack, I was to take a prescription steroid if I was not feeling better by the end of the z-pack. I felt so sick during that week that I did not sleep well at night and spent many nights watching TV, trying to fall asleep sitting up.
32 weeks pregnant: I was feeling a little better. My blood pressure is still higher than they like to see. The baby is doing great and measuring 5lbs 13oz with bone length in the 35 week measurement! We discussed a big baby and avoiding cesarean. We also discussed my blood pressure and continued monitoring. We discussed our loss of Riley at 37 weeks. The end result of this appointment was basically:
1. If blood pressure stays up, then we will discuss medication and possible induction.
2. If baby continues to grow like he is, and because of our loss at 37 weeks, we have a case for induction around 36-37weeks.
We will do what we can to prevent cesarean. After delivering Riley vaginally, it is important to me to deliver this son in the same way. To push a child out of me that was not moving and did not make a sound is difficult, especially when it is your first child. This time, I want to hear my child cry and feel him move. I don't want to be numb from the waist down. I want to get up and help bathe my son.
It is crazy to think that within the next 4 weeks we will more than likely be meeting our second son. Especially when months ago we were discussing a February due date!
When people ask my now when my due date is, I usually respond with a chuckle and say, "Anywhere between now and 4 more weeks". Sometimes I go into how I am technically due in February. Most of the time I do not.
Between our doctors advising me to take it as easy as possible and my blood pressure fluctuating along with swelling, I am now on modified bed rest. I am doing what I can to avoid complete bed rest. I am praying for a healthy son to come within the next few weeks. I am praying for a vaginal delivery. I am praying for my blood pressure and swelling to stay down and not fluctuate.
33-35 weeks pregnant: What a whirlwind the last couple weeks have been! We have been busy working and preparing for my leave from the office. Last week my blood pressure stayed slightly elevated and increased to some scary numbers a couple of times. Sitting with my feet up was the only thing that helped it come down. I was also spilling more protein. And, at our last non-stress test we learned I was having contractions & didn't realize it. I was about 50% effaced and no dilation at that point. We will learn if that has changed this coming Thursday. At last Thursday's appointment, the discussion of my blood pressure and urine were enough concern to have me admitted to the hospital for 24hr monitoring. We also learned that depending on the results of monitoring would be whether or not I would need to be induced then, stay in the hospital for monitoring & bed rest, or go home to bed rest. In the end, I am now home for bed rest until my next appointment. I am not allowed to do laundry, cook, move around much, or leave the house. Depending on the results from my vitals and the BPP at my next appointment is whether or not we are induced this weekend or another week of bed rest, hopefully at my home and not at the hospital.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
The Meaning of Our Rose Tree
When we moved into our home there was a small tree in the front yard. Every once in awhile, a part of the tree would bloom with beautiful white roses. However, most of the tree does not turn green, does not have blooms, and makes the tree quite a sight in our front yard. Andrew and I have discussed removing the tree.
We learned about a year ago that the tree was planted by the first home owners. The tree was the wife's first Mother's Day gift. We hated to just dispose of the tree since it had such a special meaning. We put off deciding what to do with the tree.
Then, a few months ago, I looked at the tree and decided that by this fall or next spring when we re-do a lot of the landscaping the tree will go. We offered it to the original homeowners if they want to dig it up and save it because of the meaning in the tree. To me, it was just a tree that was half dead and half alive.
But wait! A Mother's Day tree that is half dead and half alive?! I found myself really studying the tree a few Sunday's back before we left for church. I was suddenly filled with tears! I can't get rid of this tree! This tree is my life! This tree represents what my motherhood status is at the current time. What my motherhood status will be for the rest of my life! Our son, our firstborn, is in Heaven. Not with us on earth and we are heartbroken and missing him terribly. Our second child is alive and growing inside of me. The rose tree that is brown and lacks growth is the part of my being a mother that feels dead inside, the part of me that aches for my son. However, the blooms, the green, that part of the tree represents the hope. Our second child and our newest gift from God. That growing part of the tree is also a reminder that while Riley is not living on earth, he is living. While I may feel like a part of me has died, there is still a part of me alive. And a part of Riley will always live in me.
If the first homeowner does want her tree back, I will happily give it to her. However, if not, I am not sure when I will be ready to part with this tree.
I have thought of this tree a lot. I have also thought about Heaven a lot lately. When it is my turn to go home, it will not just be a reunion for loved ones who have gone before and my chance to meet our Father, it will be the first time I really get to meet our son. The thought fills my eyes with tears and overjoys my soul. Until then, I will live my life as I hope God desires and honor my husband, and our Riley. I will also live to be a mother to this new child and all the other children God blesses us with.
Can you see the green and white rose blooms?
Can you see the dead, brown branches?
"The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:16-17
We learned about a year ago that the tree was planted by the first home owners. The tree was the wife's first Mother's Day gift. We hated to just dispose of the tree since it had such a special meaning. We put off deciding what to do with the tree.
Then, a few months ago, I looked at the tree and decided that by this fall or next spring when we re-do a lot of the landscaping the tree will go. We offered it to the original homeowners if they want to dig it up and save it because of the meaning in the tree. To me, it was just a tree that was half dead and half alive.
But wait! A Mother's Day tree that is half dead and half alive?! I found myself really studying the tree a few Sunday's back before we left for church. I was suddenly filled with tears! I can't get rid of this tree! This tree is my life! This tree represents what my motherhood status is at the current time. What my motherhood status will be for the rest of my life! Our son, our firstborn, is in Heaven. Not with us on earth and we are heartbroken and missing him terribly. Our second child is alive and growing inside of me. The rose tree that is brown and lacks growth is the part of my being a mother that feels dead inside, the part of me that aches for my son. However, the blooms, the green, that part of the tree represents the hope. Our second child and our newest gift from God. That growing part of the tree is also a reminder that while Riley is not living on earth, he is living. While I may feel like a part of me has died, there is still a part of me alive. And a part of Riley will always live in me.
If the first homeowner does want her tree back, I will happily give it to her. However, if not, I am not sure when I will be ready to part with this tree.
I have thought of this tree a lot. I have also thought about Heaven a lot lately. When it is my turn to go home, it will not just be a reunion for loved ones who have gone before and my chance to meet our Father, it will be the first time I really get to meet our son. The thought fills my eyes with tears and overjoys my soul. Until then, I will live my life as I hope God desires and honor my husband, and our Riley. I will also live to be a mother to this new child and all the other children God blesses us with.
Can you see the dead, brown branches?
"The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:16-17
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Counteracting Fear with Faith
Here we are, 11 weeks pregnant now, and learning to trust God more than we ever have before. I know to some, that may be hard to believe. After all, shouldn't our trust have been the strongest at the moment we learned our son had passed? Shouldn't our moment of strong trust have been as we held a memorial service for our son. No, we did trust, but not with the strength we are using today, and to be honest, I know more times will come that will require the courage to trust even more and let our faith outweigh our fear. Times will come with the business, with our marriage, with our children, and even with our parents. Trusting God is an everyday practice, that some days I am stronger in doing than others. I posted my thoughts during my darkest months after our loss of Riley. It was in those months that I was weak in my trusting, but I never gave up on God. I may not have listened much when I prayed, but I did not stop talking to him, I just may have yelled more. Today in our church service, we learned about counteracting our fear with our faith. Are you counteracting your fear with your faith?
We shared our pregnancy with this rainbow baby so early mostly because we were counteracting our fear with our faith. We didn't want to use excuses as to why I was gaining weight, or we avoided activities. We did not believe we were jinxing ourselves, but rather trusting God with the outcome of this child by sharing our news.
With Riley, my belly started expanding early on. I had not lost all of that pregnancy weight and knew that I would start showing soon. I was also feeling nauseous and eating crackers in public or avoiding events. Andrew and I are proud to be such a part of our community and blessed by so many dear friends, that we knew they would catch on to my sudden pregnancy-like behavior. We also knew that so many people have been praying for us and asking what they could specifically pray for that we decided it was time to tell. After all, if I miscarry this child or we have another loss, I know I would post about that experience, so why not share in the experience from the beginning. It is a common practice for us to 'google' everything we want to know more of. Some of what we read is truth and some is not. But I 'googled' a lot while we were trying to conceive to learn how mothers felt during their pregnancy after a stillbirth....only to not find much. Some mothers started blogging, but quit midway through their pregnancy. Some just shared the news of a baby born alive. But where is my guide for how I should feel? Where is the mother who had a stillbirth while starting a business and conceiving after 4 months posts? Maybe there are some posts out there that I could not find. So, I decided that part of my honoring Riley, is to talk about how I feel during this pregnancy. For other women to know that it is normal to be hypersensitive about everything. To know it is normal to cry over the child you have lost as you try to care for the one you are now carrying. It is time to quit 'googling' the Internet and start reading my bible more. If ever there was a time for faith to counteract my fear, now is that time.
The day after we found out we were pregnant, I fell. I landed mostly on my wrist but I came home sobbing and let my husband embrace me to assure the baby was fine. Off and on have I felt like I am miscarrying. No real spotting, just a fear that I have let overwhelm me at times. I will turn the light on in the middle of the night to make sure there is no blood. I have found myself in the throws of my own tears and fear, only to use the fetal monitor we purchased or have a doctors appointment remind me that this baby is alive. My headaches are more intense with this pregnancy as well. This is all very common for a pregnancy after a loss. Some days I struggle to believe that we really are pregnant again. Last night I experienced the most painful, stabbing cramps I have ever had. I debated whether or not to go to the ER. Luckily, after some Tylenol and prayers, I feel asleep to wake up feeling only slight cramps. And then, a blessing from God, I felt the baby move.
As we sat in church today, I was reminded that I have not been letting my faith counteract my fear as much as I should. As nervous as I will be during this pregnancy, God has not left me. He has a plan for this child whether it be to take this baby home with him or to let us take this baby home with us.
Sometimes, music can calm my nerves and speak to me in ways that no other person can. Today I kept thinking of a friend who stopped by the office when I was in my dark months to remind me to get out of the weeds. He told me to lift my hands up and let God pull me out. This same friend led the worship band today as they sang, "Your Love Never Fails". I have discussed in red below the parts of the verses that stood out to me the most.
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
We shared our pregnancy with this rainbow baby so early mostly because we were counteracting our fear with our faith. We didn't want to use excuses as to why I was gaining weight, or we avoided activities. We did not believe we were jinxing ourselves, but rather trusting God with the outcome of this child by sharing our news.
With Riley, my belly started expanding early on. I had not lost all of that pregnancy weight and knew that I would start showing soon. I was also feeling nauseous and eating crackers in public or avoiding events. Andrew and I are proud to be such a part of our community and blessed by so many dear friends, that we knew they would catch on to my sudden pregnancy-like behavior. We also knew that so many people have been praying for us and asking what they could specifically pray for that we decided it was time to tell. After all, if I miscarry this child or we have another loss, I know I would post about that experience, so why not share in the experience from the beginning. It is a common practice for us to 'google' everything we want to know more of. Some of what we read is truth and some is not. But I 'googled' a lot while we were trying to conceive to learn how mothers felt during their pregnancy after a stillbirth....only to not find much. Some mothers started blogging, but quit midway through their pregnancy. Some just shared the news of a baby born alive. But where is my guide for how I should feel? Where is the mother who had a stillbirth while starting a business and conceiving after 4 months posts? Maybe there are some posts out there that I could not find. So, I decided that part of my honoring Riley, is to talk about how I feel during this pregnancy. For other women to know that it is normal to be hypersensitive about everything. To know it is normal to cry over the child you have lost as you try to care for the one you are now carrying. It is time to quit 'googling' the Internet and start reading my bible more. If ever there was a time for faith to counteract my fear, now is that time.
The day after we found out we were pregnant, I fell. I landed mostly on my wrist but I came home sobbing and let my husband embrace me to assure the baby was fine. Off and on have I felt like I am miscarrying. No real spotting, just a fear that I have let overwhelm me at times. I will turn the light on in the middle of the night to make sure there is no blood. I have found myself in the throws of my own tears and fear, only to use the fetal monitor we purchased or have a doctors appointment remind me that this baby is alive. My headaches are more intense with this pregnancy as well. This is all very common for a pregnancy after a loss. Some days I struggle to believe that we really are pregnant again. Last night I experienced the most painful, stabbing cramps I have ever had. I debated whether or not to go to the ER. Luckily, after some Tylenol and prayers, I feel asleep to wake up feeling only slight cramps. And then, a blessing from God, I felt the baby move.
As we sat in church today, I was reminded that I have not been letting my faith counteract my fear as much as I should. As nervous as I will be during this pregnancy, God has not left me. He has a plan for this child whether it be to take this baby home with him or to let us take this baby home with us.
Sometimes, music can calm my nerves and speak to me in ways that no other person can. Today I kept thinking of a friend who stopped by the office when I was in my dark months to remind me to get out of the weeds. He told me to lift my hands up and let God pull me out. This same friend led the worship band today as they sang, "Your Love Never Fails". I have discussed in red below the parts of the verses that stood out to me the most.
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
To me I thought of when my fear is heightened during this pregnancy, he is with me, I just have to talk and listen. Pray and read. TRUST.
Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
Many times I did not know when I would see the light again. Riley is not forgotten. I feel him with me everyday. But this baby gives me another purpose in life. It gives me the hope that I thought was lost.
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
Many times I did not know when I would see the light again. Riley is not forgotten. I feel him with me everyday. But this baby gives me another purpose in life. It gives me the hope that I thought was lost.
Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good
You make all things work together for my good
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Genesis 9:13-16
"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." Genesis 9:13-16
After a storm, you may find yourself looking for the rainbow in the sky. The rainbow that reminds us of God's promise. To me, the rainbow is a beautiful reminder of so much more at this point in my life. After we lost Riley, and discussed trying to conceive our second child, I was constantly seeing the term "Rainbow Baby" to describe a child after a loss. I found my favorite description of a Rainbow Baby on Pinterest.
"A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."
Many of you know that Riley was our first child. We were ready to be parents. The nurseries were both set up. And for those of you who have experienced a loss, you know how trying to conceive can turn from fun into a chore. You know how hard it is to wait from the time you should have ovulated to when your period is due. And, you know how heartbreaking it is when your period comes and there is no chance of being pregnant that month. As you wait for each month to pass and have to countdown to your fertile days again, you watch others become pregnant as if all they had to do was think it and it became true. We had been trying since I passed my postpartum appointment. At that appointment my doctor asked if we wanted to go on birth control. We said no. My maternal fetal specialist told us that we should wait 6 months. There is controversy if the 6 month wait is emotional or physical. Therefore, we believed that if the doctor cleared me for physical we would try and leave it up to God. I will admit, there were many moments of which I was angry with God for not allowing me to be pregnant right away. Moments of jealousy when I witnessed friends become pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd, and even 4th children. I just wanted one. One child on earth. It was those times that I was not trusting God.
It has now been almost 5 months since we learned that our Riley had gone to Heaven. It has been almost 5 months since I delivered our 6lb 9oz, 19 1/2" son on February 1, 2013 at 9:10am. I found out on June 14, 2012 that we were pregnant with Riley. He was due February 21, 2013
I mentioned in my last post about the Choose Healing event I went to. I would like to take this time to elaborate more on how that event helped me heal and be in the place emotionally and physically I am today. I went on Friday, dragging my feet, but also feeling pushed from God to go. I think it was better that I went by myself so I could mourn and cry and worship God without feeling like anyone was watching me or that anyone knew my story. I left Friday night with a smile and a greater sense of peace than I had experienced since Riley's passing. Saturday morning I woke up, and decided to take a pregnancy test. Andrew had left for a golf fundraiser. I laid the test down for it to process for the next 3 minutes. I took the dog downstairs to let him out and stood in the kitchen and prayed. I prayed for the test to be positive. I prayed for us to have a child at home with us soon. And I prayed that no matter what the results were that God would remind me that He is in charge and to trust Him for all the future months we would have to try to conceive. Much to my surprise, the test was positive! Walking into the event Saturday, knowing that I was more than likely pregnant really allowed me to continue to heal over my pain and anger from not having Riley with me and to rejoice and be excited about the future. I did not expect to be excited. I expected to be more nervous and want to stay more private if I were to be pregnant again. I know it was a God thing for me to find out in the middle of attending the event. God knew when I would find out. He knew when I would be pregnant again. Most of all He knew I needed to heal more and be at a place where I can be excited and joyous for our second child.
I am happy to announce that we are around 7 weeks pregnant and we heard the most beautiful sound on Tuesday. We heard our second child's heartbeat! We realize it is still so early, but we decided to share now for many reasons I will talk about later. We also know that there is no promise that this child will not go to Heaven earlier than we hope. But we are trusting God, and blessed to know that big brother Riley is ready to play big brother in Heaven if that is God's plan.
It is also difficult for me to announce this as I know I have friends who are still trying to conceive. Friends who have been trying for months or years. Friends who have recently experienced loss. I do feel somewhat guilty, and I pray for them often. I now understand how several of my friends must have felt when they shared with me their exciting news recently and it was difficult for me to be happy for them without feeling sorry for us. Something I had to pray on often. Something I was almost done struggling with just before I attended the Choose Healing event.
Now, this has been an interesting pregnancy so far, especially compared to my pregnancy with Riley. And, we do not have a due date at this time. This is all due to my category of high risk from Riley's stillborn status. I will make posts on my experience with this pregnancy so far soon. However, Andrew and I wanted to use this post to make our announcement. To share our excitement about what we hope will be our 'rainbow baby'.
I had the privilege of meeting another mom last night whose child was born into Heaven in January of this year. It was a blessing to hear her story and get to share mine. She sent me the following bible verses. I want to share them, because when she talked about them last night, it was as if God was in my ear saying "Told you to trust Me".
These are our beautiful flowers the ladies at Spring Hill Florist carefully chose to help represent our rainbow baby description.
After a storm, you may find yourself looking for the rainbow in the sky. The rainbow that reminds us of God's promise. To me, the rainbow is a beautiful reminder of so much more at this point in my life. After we lost Riley, and discussed trying to conceive our second child, I was constantly seeing the term "Rainbow Baby" to describe a child after a loss. I found my favorite description of a Rainbow Baby on Pinterest.
"A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope."
Many of you know that Riley was our first child. We were ready to be parents. The nurseries were both set up. And for those of you who have experienced a loss, you know how trying to conceive can turn from fun into a chore. You know how hard it is to wait from the time you should have ovulated to when your period is due. And, you know how heartbreaking it is when your period comes and there is no chance of being pregnant that month. As you wait for each month to pass and have to countdown to your fertile days again, you watch others become pregnant as if all they had to do was think it and it became true. We had been trying since I passed my postpartum appointment. At that appointment my doctor asked if we wanted to go on birth control. We said no. My maternal fetal specialist told us that we should wait 6 months. There is controversy if the 6 month wait is emotional or physical. Therefore, we believed that if the doctor cleared me for physical we would try and leave it up to God. I will admit, there were many moments of which I was angry with God for not allowing me to be pregnant right away. Moments of jealousy when I witnessed friends become pregnant with their 2nd, or 3rd, and even 4th children. I just wanted one. One child on earth. It was those times that I was not trusting God.
It has now been almost 5 months since we learned that our Riley had gone to Heaven. It has been almost 5 months since I delivered our 6lb 9oz, 19 1/2" son on February 1, 2013 at 9:10am. I found out on June 14, 2012 that we were pregnant with Riley. He was due February 21, 2013
I mentioned in my last post about the Choose Healing event I went to. I would like to take this time to elaborate more on how that event helped me heal and be in the place emotionally and physically I am today. I went on Friday, dragging my feet, but also feeling pushed from God to go. I think it was better that I went by myself so I could mourn and cry and worship God without feeling like anyone was watching me or that anyone knew my story. I left Friday night with a smile and a greater sense of peace than I had experienced since Riley's passing. Saturday morning I woke up, and decided to take a pregnancy test. Andrew had left for a golf fundraiser. I laid the test down for it to process for the next 3 minutes. I took the dog downstairs to let him out and stood in the kitchen and prayed. I prayed for the test to be positive. I prayed for us to have a child at home with us soon. And I prayed that no matter what the results were that God would remind me that He is in charge and to trust Him for all the future months we would have to try to conceive. Much to my surprise, the test was positive! Walking into the event Saturday, knowing that I was more than likely pregnant really allowed me to continue to heal over my pain and anger from not having Riley with me and to rejoice and be excited about the future. I did not expect to be excited. I expected to be more nervous and want to stay more private if I were to be pregnant again. I know it was a God thing for me to find out in the middle of attending the event. God knew when I would find out. He knew when I would be pregnant again. Most of all He knew I needed to heal more and be at a place where I can be excited and joyous for our second child.
I am happy to announce that we are around 7 weeks pregnant and we heard the most beautiful sound on Tuesday. We heard our second child's heartbeat! We realize it is still so early, but we decided to share now for many reasons I will talk about later. We also know that there is no promise that this child will not go to Heaven earlier than we hope. But we are trusting God, and blessed to know that big brother Riley is ready to play big brother in Heaven if that is God's plan.
It is also difficult for me to announce this as I know I have friends who are still trying to conceive. Friends who have been trying for months or years. Friends who have recently experienced loss. I do feel somewhat guilty, and I pray for them often. I now understand how several of my friends must have felt when they shared with me their exciting news recently and it was difficult for me to be happy for them without feeling sorry for us. Something I had to pray on often. Something I was almost done struggling with just before I attended the Choose Healing event.
Now, this has been an interesting pregnancy so far, especially compared to my pregnancy with Riley. And, we do not have a due date at this time. This is all due to my category of high risk from Riley's stillborn status. I will make posts on my experience with this pregnancy so far soon. However, Andrew and I wanted to use this post to make our announcement. To share our excitement about what we hope will be our 'rainbow baby'.
I had the privilege of meeting another mom last night whose child was born into Heaven in January of this year. It was a blessing to hear her story and get to share mine. She sent me the following bible verses. I want to share them, because when she talked about them last night, it was as if God was in my ear saying "Told you to trust Me".
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting,
God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what
to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer
out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we
know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.
That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is
worked into something good". Romans 8:26-28
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Chosen One
While attending church with my husband and our family on Father's Day this year, I was reminded of 2 chapters in the bible. These 2 chapters are important to me in my life because they talk of how both Moses and Jesus did not want to be chosen for the tasks that God gave them. Andrew and I did not want to be chosen to be parents to a child in Heaven. We wanted to be chosen to be parents to a healthy baby on earth. However, as children of God, and the Christians we proclaim to be, we must obey to the best of our ability.
In Exodus, Moses asks God why him? In Matthew, Jesus asks if there is another way. In Remembering Riley I just ask why? I picture a long, boardroom table where God, Jesus, and I all sit and talk about my life. And then, when we come to why Riley went to Heaven at 37weeks, they give me my answer and I have a moment of pure understanding.
Today I was blessed to be able to share the story of our precious Riley more than once. Talking about him lights up my heart while at the same time filling my eyes with tears. It is what I would call at this time a bittersweet story. We were blessed to be chosen to be Riley's parents, even though the end of our journey on Earth was not the piece we wanted to be chosen for. I still have my moment of anger, but thankfully, the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear reminders of blessings to come, and of a blessing that was.
I want to ask you all to pray for the mothers, the fathers, the siblings, the grandparents, and all the family and friends of other families who have had stillbirths or miscarriages. Pray for those who have had abortions. Pray for those whose babies have been given the statement "incompatible with life". Pray for those who are pregnant again and being watched ever so closely without the same joy they may have experienced before. Currently, I have an old friend who is in the hospital. She is 18 weeks pregnant. From what I understand, the baby's umbilical cord has already broken through, which can allow germs to enter the womb. Please pray for her and her sweet baby. She does not have any children on this Earth, besides the one in her womb. During my 2nd trimester with Riley, she found out her baby's heart in her 2nd trimester quit beating.
Lord, I pray that you protect that sweet baby and keep both mother and child healthy. I pray for those who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant deaths. I pray for those who desire to get pregnant, but for some reason, have not yet. I pray for those who have had abortions. I pray for those who have wanted to share their stories with others, but are afraid to do so. Lord, bless these women, fill their hearts with your peace and hope. Fill their wombs with healthy babies. Let it be in your name. Amen.
In Exodus, Moses asks God why him? In Matthew, Jesus asks if there is another way. In Remembering Riley I just ask why? I picture a long, boardroom table where God, Jesus, and I all sit and talk about my life. And then, when we come to why Riley went to Heaven at 37weeks, they give me my answer and I have a moment of pure understanding.
Today I was blessed to be able to share the story of our precious Riley more than once. Talking about him lights up my heart while at the same time filling my eyes with tears. It is what I would call at this time a bittersweet story. We were blessed to be chosen to be Riley's parents, even though the end of our journey on Earth was not the piece we wanted to be chosen for. I still have my moment of anger, but thankfully, the Holy Spirit whispers in my ear reminders of blessings to come, and of a blessing that was.
I want to ask you all to pray for the mothers, the fathers, the siblings, the grandparents, and all the family and friends of other families who have had stillbirths or miscarriages. Pray for those who have had abortions. Pray for those whose babies have been given the statement "incompatible with life". Pray for those who are pregnant again and being watched ever so closely without the same joy they may have experienced before. Currently, I have an old friend who is in the hospital. She is 18 weeks pregnant. From what I understand, the baby's umbilical cord has already broken through, which can allow germs to enter the womb. Please pray for her and her sweet baby. She does not have any children on this Earth, besides the one in her womb. During my 2nd trimester with Riley, she found out her baby's heart in her 2nd trimester quit beating.
Lord, I pray that you protect that sweet baby and keep both mother and child healthy. I pray for those who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, and early infant deaths. I pray for those who desire to get pregnant, but for some reason, have not yet. I pray for those who have had abortions. I pray for those who have wanted to share their stories with others, but are afraid to do so. Lord, bless these women, fill their hearts with your peace and hope. Fill their wombs with healthy babies. Let it be in your name. Amen.
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