A Timely Devotional

     This morning, not like any other morning lately, I woke up at 5:15am.  I was wide awake, I laid in bed talking to God thinking I may fall asleep again.  No such luck.  Therefore at 5:40am I decided to get up, read my devotional, and get ready for work.
     Some days I read my devotional and think, "Well put".  Other days I read it and feel as though God is speaking directly to me.  Today was a day of God talking to me directly.  Often after I read I think about how God wants me to spend more time talking to him.  I know I should have quiet time in the morning to talk to God.  I know I should praise God before every meal and talk to him before I go to sleep.  Most days I feel like I talk to him all day long.  Alright, so I have the talking part down.  It is the listening that I struggle with.  And the talking to him in front of people.  I have never been comfortable praying in front of others.  That is one weakness I want to make strong.  I want to teach our children to pray out loud.  I want to teach them to pray constantly, to listen constantly, and to thank God constantly for all he gives us, whether it is what we wanted or not.
   We learned at our OB and Maternal Fetal Specialist appointments yesterday that we will be induced between 37-38 weeks.  That is just 4-5 weeks from now.  We have briefly discussed it, but now it is the actual plan.  Am I ready?  Are we ready?  I do what I shouldn't and look to google to tell me about inductions.  I then panic over reading something about 50% of inductions end in c-section, and mostly emergency c-sections.  I read about how we should not induce children and all the other negative discussions I could possibly read to put myself into a panic.
     Why do we tend to use the Internet and social media as our way of imagining how things should be instead of praying to God and taking the time to listen to how it will be?  When we take the time and wait for His answers, it is much more peaceful than the immediate responses online.  I have an image burned in my mind from a picture of my maternal grandmother on her knees beside a bed with a bible in front of her.  She was a true prayer warrior.  She was not afraid to ask God for help and let others know she did so.  I want to be like that.  Google is an addiction I will need to break.  Praying on my knees and constantly with my bible is a habit I need to grasp with all my strength.
     Today, I listened to God through my devotional.  After Riley, we were given "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  Today's devotional reads:

     "I am preparing you for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend.  Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you.  The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me.  So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford.  As a result, they live and work in their own strength--until that becomes depleted.  Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.
     How much better is it to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation..  If you live in this way, you will do less but accomplish far more.  Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age.  Some people may deep you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness.  Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world."

     Wow!  What powerful words!  He is preparing me for the birth of our second son.  I don't need google or the words/advice of others.  I just need Him.  I need to spend more time listening, rather than talking, and allow the peace from His strength to hold me up as we count down the next 4-5 weeks.  All this time that I am on modified bed rest and my activities are limited, I need to put down the laptop and pick up my bible.  I cannot think of a better way to teach my son about God's presence and love than spending time with Him as I feel my son kick and wiggle and grow as we prepare for his birth.

     How often are you still and listen?  Are you like me and talk but allow yourself to be too busy to focus on what He is saying?

First Christmas Without Riley

Merry Christmas!

Here we are, Andrew and Angie.  We have been married for two and a half years.  We are the proud parents of two beautiful sons.  We all know that Christmas can get carried away and loose it's true meaning, especially when you are shopping and wrapping for your children.  What do we do to prepare for Christmas this year for our two boys?  Well, unlike many parents of two children, our first born is celebrating his first Christmas in Heaven, and our second son is dancing around in my uterus.  So, here we are, Andrew and Angie, and our dog Gunnar.
This year, we decided to stay home.  We discussed when we were first married, staying home on Christmas once we had children.  And, even though one son is in Heaven and the other is still in my womb, we decided to stay home as we originally planned.
It was a lovely Christmas, one filled with prayer and thankfulness for what God has blessed us with and for Jesus, whose birth we celebrate today.  It was a quiet Christmas.  Back during my darkest months, most of what took me into the dark and kept me there was all the thoughts of what I thought should have been.  Thoughts about what I should be doing with my son, whom I thought should be alive.  I did not want to spend Christmas thinking about what I would have bought him and who would have been holding him today.  I do not wish to think about what would be if he were here today.  For me, those are unhealthy thoughts.  God blessed us with a beautiful son.  God blessed us with taking him home with Him so that we did not witness him go through surgery and pain.  Our son did not suffer and for that I am grateful.  I did have to fight those feelings a few times, and I do on occasion avoid situations where I know I will lean toward those thoughts.  So today, I am grateful to be celebrating Christmas, the birth day of Jesus, in our home with my wonderful husband.
Therefore, while I do not wish to spend my days thinking about how old Riley would be or what we would be doing with him now, I still want to remember and honor him in every way that I can.  I want to start traditions that we can share with our next son when he is born, and all the other children that God chooses to bless us with.
We had a stocking made for Riley that we will hang up each Christmas.  We bought an ornament for him this year.  I will admit, as much as I am ashamed to, that I forgot to get a gift from the Angel tree for another child in need in the time I should have.  I will be better about getting a child a gift next year.
And, we donated a chemo duck from Gabe's Chemo Duck program in memory of Riley.  This year, we also donated a duck in honor of "Waitforit".
Gunnar, like normal, was spoiled with new toys and treats.  We were excited to watch him open and play with his new toys.

Every parent who has experienced the loss of a child, whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, or another age, will have different ways that they grieve.  They will have different ways that they honor and remember.  There is no right or wrong way, we just need to remember to respect what they choose.

I can feel the "Momma bear" coming out in me when I defend why we are doing what we have decided for Christmas, as well as his Angelversary.  Riley was born into Heaven on February 1, 2013 and that day will always be known to me as his Angelversary, not his birthday.  I am not sure what we will do to celebrate the day yet.  We have a few ideas, but it also depends on when "Waitforit" is born.

Today, I took a long bath and listened to my friend, Maribeth Johnson's new CD, Break Through.  On the CD is the song "Christmas In Heaven".  Her husband wrote the song and she sings it.  If you have a moment, I encourage you to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMyIHMmhFw

Thank you Maribeth for singing this beautiful song and sharing it with all of us!
Thank you Andrew for being my encouragement through my dark and stressful days.  Thank you for supporting what I need to grieve and remember and for wishing to do the same!
Thank you God for my beautiful son Riley and all the blessings you have given us through his short life on earth!

Merry Christmas Riley!  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!!!

Excitement

     Lately I have been feeling more excited about this pregnancy.  I am partly excited to be nearing the end because I feel like I have been pregnant forever, and in reality I have been pregnant since May 2012 with only 3 1/2 months in between of not being pregnant.  But I am also partly excited because I have dreamed of being a mother for so long.  The mother role I currently have is one I never imagined, and one I would do over again even if I knew the outcome would be the same.
     I know I am a mother, but to bring a child home to nurse, to snuggle, to read to, to change diapers, to hold his warm, breathing body in my arms....well that is a dream I look forward to having as my reality.  As I type this I am weeping over the memory of Riley.  I am weeping over the short time I had to hold him.  I am weeping because his precious body was so cold.  I remember kissing his nose and it was cold to my lips.  I remember examining his body.  I was celebrating his life, celebrating the fight he had for 37 weeks to live.  I was mourning our loss.  I was praising God for our gift.  I was praying for peace and understanding that by only God's favor did I have at that time.  One of our maternal fetal specialists even mentioned how she could not believe how calm I was with Riley and how I allowed them to perform an amniocentesis on me after we knew he was no longer alive.  I was only able to be that calm because I could feel God's presence.  It was and is an incredible feeling.  I knew I was not alone then and I am not alone now.
     Some of my excitement also stems from this time of year.  I love this time of year.  I miss the days when I had income and could do lots of Christmas shopping, but I am learning to love the true meaning of Christmas when you live on such a tight budget and you start to see the meaning of family in another light.  It was this time of year that my husband proposed.  It was this time of year that we adopted Gunnar, our dog.  It was this time of year when we saw Riley more often, and watched him move in the ultrasounds.  It is this time of the year that we prepare our home for our next son.
     I have been blessed to see friends photos recently of them in the hospital with their new child.  I have been checking in on a few other friends who are pregnant now to see how they are doing.  For most of them everything is well.  For others they are either pregnant with their rainbow baby and experiencing normal nervousness, or they have received news that makes them worry until their child is born.  For those I ask you to pray with me.  Pray for peace as they have tough weeks ahead of them.
     When I see the photos of new babies my heart aches in anticipation for this son to arrive.  I do not want him to come too early, but we are ready to bring him home.  We are ready to selfishly snuggle this son and spend alone time with him.  We are ready to post pictures of him on facebook and share the news of his healthy arrival with all our family and friends.  I am not necessarily a patient person, so this last stretch of my pregnancy has me on the edge of my seat.  I am also a planner, so not knowing when is making me nervous.  Will he come before 36 weeks?  Will he surprise us and make it past 40 weeks?  Will they let me go past 37 weeks?  Will my nerves let me remain calm past 37 weeks?  Will he come before 2013 is over?
     I am so excited to deliver this son.  I pray I can have another vaginal delivery, no matter what his size, especially because he is measuring on the bigger side.  Many women who have a vaginal delivery for their first child experience a child who is moving and crying as they deliver.  If I had a cesarean with Riley, I would not be so concerned, but I delivered, I pushed Riley's body by vaginal delivery.  I would like to experience tears of joy not of mourning as I deliver this child in the same way.  I do not know what it is like to leave the hospital with a child.  I do not know what it is like to breast feed.  I do not know what it is like to hold your child skin to skin and have warm bodies touching.  I am excited, I am scared, and I am grateful to God for the opportunity if it is his will.  I am also grateful to God for the opportunity to carry and feel this son inside of me just like Riley if his will is anything other than my desire.
     We are blessed to get pregnant again.  We are blessed to get pregnant again so soon after delivering Riley.  I am trying, but not very hard to trust God's timing in this.  With Riley, the day of our 37 week check up, most of the next day's patients had called the office to change their appointment for one reason or another.  I was stressed over how to fill the day when we would be at doctor appointments and not have the schedule handy.  Little did I know, we needed Friday off to deliver Riley.  I am sure God will handle our schedule in a similar matter.  I just hope I do not read into it too much if the upcoming schedule were to change, but it was not time to deliver this son.
     I had hoped to set up the nursery again with Andrew over Thanksgiving, but when you own a business, that takes priority when there are things to do.  And, to be honest, I am not sure that I am quite ready yet.  Although the thought of being 30 weeks, meaning I have only about 10 weeks left, and 6 weeks if I do not make it past 36...even less if I do not make it to then...wow!  OVERWHELMED!  I will work on the nursery with Andrew soon.  I feel it is important to set it up again together to remember Riley and prepare for this son.  We bought a lot of things thinking they would go to Riley, but he never came home with us, so we have agreed that this son can have them.  I washed a load of baby clothes the other night that we have received and purchased since we found out we were pregnant again.  Last night, when I was putting them away, Andrew joined me in the nursery.  It was difficult to be in there, but we agreed that we wouldn't change anything.  We had planned on bringing Riley home to that room, but he never came home.  This child will grow up knowing all about Riley, so there is no reason to change anything like he had come home, or like we had not planned or prepared for him.
     I know this delivery will be very emotional.  It will be very emotional to come home with this son.  I am glad we will keep it mostly private, as husband and wife, to share in the experience together.  After all, we made our boys in private, why shouldn't we be able to greet and spend most of their first hours with them in the same way?
     I am grateful for Andrew who understands me, supports me, and agrees with me.  I am grateful he asked me to marry him, even if I said 'yes' before he could ask the question!  He is my best friend and I am excited to be carrying his son and welcome him into the world together!  I hope this son looks just like him as Riley did!  I am excited to be on this journey with him and I look forward to the weeks ahead as only God knows when this son will be born.  I am excited!!!