Grief had a funny way of sneaking up on me. I have been at such peace and so thankful to God for allowing the peace I needed since I learned that my son was no longer alive. This was until about 2 weeks ago. I developed such anger and the tears started flowing. In all honesty, the tears have only grown stronger. It is true what they say about the love a mother has for her child. When I didn't think I could love anyone else, Riley filled my heart. Today I mourn not only for short time I had with my son, but for the few memories that I am left with. Today, and the past 2 weeks, I am in a new part of my mourning.
I am learning that the word 'child' use to have such a fun, heavenly, light feeling. Joy could be heard in the word. However, now it comes with such a heavy tone. And, the more people I talk to, the more I am finding out that what should be such a blessing, has become somewhat of a burden or a lost hope. When my time comes, when I get to go to Heaven and see my precious baby boy again, I am going to ask why. Why did many who would make great parents never experience it? Why did people who should not have had to endure the pain of loosing a child experience it?
Many people asked what they could do for us after our loss. I often said to pray, and to continue to pray when our parents went back home, when life would go back to normal for the world as we would learn to live without our son. Pray because the enemy would not leave us, he would prey upon our weakest moments. I am fighting the enemy now. I believe our God is big enough to hear me tell him I am angry. I also know he has not left me for he is the one who has given me the last 3 omens of friends being pregnant before they could tell me. But I also know that Satan is using that news to steal my hope. I am in a battle with trying to hold onto the little hope that I have left, believing that I deserve to be a mother, and letting it all go to God whom I am so angry with.
It is rather a sight when I picture myself telling God, Abba, how upset I am. I use the term Abba because he is our Father, and I like a little girl trying to get her way, we use loving terms for our fathers before trying to persuade them. And when we are not getting our way, we tend to say "Father". I picture him smiling back at me, maybe even with a chuckle, like I just threw a temper tantrum over not getting ice cream before bed. Because as painful as it is, as much as it hurts, loosing Riley after being blessed to carry him for 37 weeks is something beyond my understanding, but part of God's plan for me. He is my Heavenly father and he has a plan for me. I will get past this point, I am not sure when, but I also know he his holding me up as many friends have felt called to pray for me lately without knowing that I am having a difficult time getting out of bed.
At this point in my grieving, only a little more than 2 months since our loss, I feel very alone and very empty. I know that I am not alone, I know that I may have to fight harder than I ever have before to get up again this time, but my son and his memory are what keep me going. Your continued thoughts and prayers give me the strength that I lack. Today, not even the beautiful sunshine could put a smile on my face. Today, I ached for when I could lay back in bed and cry. Today, Selah's song, "I Will Carry You" is being played on repeat as I weep for Riley and the few memories I am left with and the expectations I am learning to let go of.
Dear Abba, please give me the strength I need to get up tomorrow. The strength I need to honor my husband and to help him succeed in his dreams. But tonight, just wrap your loving arms around me as I miss my son and let me weep until my tear ducts run dry. Thank you for preparing me for the pregnancy news of my friends, and please continue to prepare me for future news. But, please, if I am to be blessed to bear another child, will you prepare me for that hope before it is all gone? I will honor you and I will serve you the rest of the days of my life, and I am grateful that you are a forgiving God and an understanding God. Please continue to smile at me when I am angry and remind me that you have this. That all of this is your plan and you have known my purpose before you created me in my mother's womb.
Lyrics to Selah's "I Will Carry You" below:
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
[Chorus]
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
Monday, April 15, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Anger
I am hesitant to post my current feelings. I have been hesitant to post some of my more difficult moments during my time of mourning and healing. However, I realized today, that I am human, and those difficult times are natural. I realized that when I continue to put my personal life online for others to see, it may help someone else gather the strength they need to get through their day. It also may help others to imagine what women in situations similar to mine are going through.
Today I am angry. I wish there was a stronger word, or a word that could describe that I am angry BECAUSE I am angry. I am angry squared! Sometimes my anger comes out of nowhere. Sometimes my anger comes from little things. Sometimes my anger comes from others happiness.
I will share some of the things that have been recent causes of my anger.
1. My fingers swelled up, causing my wedding ring to cut into my skin. The same ring I had been able to get back onto my finger only weeks before after months of not being able to wear it. I love my ring! I want to wear my ring! Not being able to wear it reminds me that I was pregnant, and my pregnancy not only left me with a beautiful baby boy born into heaven, but it left me with 30 pounds of unwanted weight. I do not have late nights with a newborn so I should be going to the gym, but I would rather lay in bed and cry. The other day, we stopped by a jewelry store to see if they could get the ring off my finger without cutting it. When they were not successful, we walked away, and I started to loose it. I was reminded me to keep it together, but now, I wish I had not. It is alright for me to cry. It is alright for me to loose it in the middle of the store. I have EVERY right to let my tears flow. These are tears of hope, sadness, frustration, heartbreak from 37 weeks of carrying Riley PLUS years of wanting a child.
2. Facebook pictures of friends newborns and pregnancy announcements can make me angry. I have thought about boycotting facebook for awhile. And, I still may do so. I used to love seeing the pictures. Now, I love seeing the picture and I am honestly happy for the people in the photo, but I am jealous that it is not me. I feel like I failed somehow. I passed the pregnancy test, but never made it through the school of mom. Now I am scared to ever take the test again. Should I be blessed with passing the test, how long will I attend the pre-requisites? I know that I will question every second of every day of every week of every month for ALL my future pregnancies. I will not be as excited during any possible future pregnancies. I will not share the news. That is not fair to the other child, but I know that is the reality of my new normal life. That makes me angry, angry that I do not have hope and angry that I will not be an excited pregnant woman.
3. Having my period makes me angry. For many who do not know my, and for some that do, you may not be aware that I was researching artificial insemination before I met Andrew. I wanted to be a mother so desperately. My periods have never been very regular, and I feared that as I aged I would not have many eggs left. I have always said that I wanted to have 4 children. I wanted to be pregnant 4 times. I felt my biological clock pounding more than ticking! I had given up on dating, and decided it was time to focus on starting a family on my own. Fortunately, my mom did not give up praying for the perfect spouse for me, and Andrew came along. However, after each period, comes a time for ovulation, and a time of egg loss. We are only born with so many eggs, and I fear that my time is running out. Having MTHFR does not help my feelings. This makes me want to tear down the 2 nurseries and quit having the dream of biological children. It is not fair to my husband in our marriage to turn each day of the month into figuring out what day it is in my cycle and then wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test only to have to start all over again the next month. Now, I realize it has only been 2 months since we lost Riley, but, if you know me well you know that I worry and this is my fear of what our lives will become if I continue the dream of having biological children.
So, please forgive me if I hide out for awhile, or you see me "loose it" in the grocery store. Having a child born into Heaven, especially my first born will be something that is a part of my life everyday. I do not feel like I should have to mask what I am feeling. Granted, there are situations that are more appropriate to mask my current feelings than others, but I ask for your patience and forgiveness. I also ask for your continued prayers. When I shared my anger with my sister tonight, this is what she had to say:
"God isn't trying to hurt you. He wants to bless you, but in His time. Prove your faithfulness to Him. Focus on Him and His promises to you, and try to stop focusing on how you feel about everything. I know it won't be easy, but keep in mind...we ARE allowed to ask Him for help to stop feeling the way we do, and it's still our job to try, not just expect Him to miraculously fix it. But you might have months Have faith Angie. Even when it seems foolish and energy-wasting. Because in all honestly, WHEN YOU DOUBT, YOU LET SATAN WIN...Satan attacks those he is most threatened by. Have faith in God and you'll watch Satan cry out in misery. misery loves company and Satan's trying to ask you out to dinner because he thinks this coffee date is going well."
She is wise beyond her years! And I am posting this as my "text" during the coffee date, asking for someone to call me with an emergency and help get me out of it! I am also posting this so if you are also suffering you know you are not alone, and it is alright to ask for help.
May God Bless You All. May God bless those who desire to have children, who currently do not. May God bless those parents and heal the children who are suffering with different ailments. May God bless those who are angry with him as I am right now. I know he is big enough to handle it, but it only angers me more that I am angry right now....if that makes any sense to any of you!
Today I am angry. I wish there was a stronger word, or a word that could describe that I am angry BECAUSE I am angry. I am angry squared! Sometimes my anger comes out of nowhere. Sometimes my anger comes from little things. Sometimes my anger comes from others happiness.
I will share some of the things that have been recent causes of my anger.
1. My fingers swelled up, causing my wedding ring to cut into my skin. The same ring I had been able to get back onto my finger only weeks before after months of not being able to wear it. I love my ring! I want to wear my ring! Not being able to wear it reminds me that I was pregnant, and my pregnancy not only left me with a beautiful baby boy born into heaven, but it left me with 30 pounds of unwanted weight. I do not have late nights with a newborn so I should be going to the gym, but I would rather lay in bed and cry. The other day, we stopped by a jewelry store to see if they could get the ring off my finger without cutting it. When they were not successful, we walked away, and I started to loose it. I was reminded me to keep it together, but now, I wish I had not. It is alright for me to cry. It is alright for me to loose it in the middle of the store. I have EVERY right to let my tears flow. These are tears of hope, sadness, frustration, heartbreak from 37 weeks of carrying Riley PLUS years of wanting a child.
2. Facebook pictures of friends newborns and pregnancy announcements can make me angry. I have thought about boycotting facebook for awhile. And, I still may do so. I used to love seeing the pictures. Now, I love seeing the picture and I am honestly happy for the people in the photo, but I am jealous that it is not me. I feel like I failed somehow. I passed the pregnancy test, but never made it through the school of mom. Now I am scared to ever take the test again. Should I be blessed with passing the test, how long will I attend the pre-requisites? I know that I will question every second of every day of every week of every month for ALL my future pregnancies. I will not be as excited during any possible future pregnancies. I will not share the news. That is not fair to the other child, but I know that is the reality of my new normal life. That makes me angry, angry that I do not have hope and angry that I will not be an excited pregnant woman.
3. Having my period makes me angry. For many who do not know my, and for some that do, you may not be aware that I was researching artificial insemination before I met Andrew. I wanted to be a mother so desperately. My periods have never been very regular, and I feared that as I aged I would not have many eggs left. I have always said that I wanted to have 4 children. I wanted to be pregnant 4 times. I felt my biological clock pounding more than ticking! I had given up on dating, and decided it was time to focus on starting a family on my own. Fortunately, my mom did not give up praying for the perfect spouse for me, and Andrew came along. However, after each period, comes a time for ovulation, and a time of egg loss. We are only born with so many eggs, and I fear that my time is running out. Having MTHFR does not help my feelings. This makes me want to tear down the 2 nurseries and quit having the dream of biological children. It is not fair to my husband in our marriage to turn each day of the month into figuring out what day it is in my cycle and then wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test only to have to start all over again the next month. Now, I realize it has only been 2 months since we lost Riley, but, if you know me well you know that I worry and this is my fear of what our lives will become if I continue the dream of having biological children.
So, please forgive me if I hide out for awhile, or you see me "loose it" in the grocery store. Having a child born into Heaven, especially my first born will be something that is a part of my life everyday. I do not feel like I should have to mask what I am feeling. Granted, there are situations that are more appropriate to mask my current feelings than others, but I ask for your patience and forgiveness. I also ask for your continued prayers. When I shared my anger with my sister tonight, this is what she had to say:
"God isn't trying to hurt you. He wants to bless you, but in His time. Prove your faithfulness to Him. Focus on Him and His promises to you, and try to stop focusing on how you feel about everything. I know it won't be easy, but keep in mind...we ARE allowed to ask Him for help to stop feeling the way we do, and it's still our job to try, not just expect Him to miraculously fix it. But you might have months Have faith Angie. Even when it seems foolish and energy-wasting. Because in all honestly, WHEN YOU DOUBT, YOU LET SATAN WIN...Satan attacks those he is most threatened by. Have faith in God and you'll watch Satan cry out in misery. misery loves company and Satan's trying to ask you out to dinner because he thinks this coffee date is going well."
She is wise beyond her years! And I am posting this as my "text" during the coffee date, asking for someone to call me with an emergency and help get me out of it! I am also posting this so if you are also suffering you know you are not alone, and it is alright to ask for help.
May God Bless You All. May God bless those who desire to have children, who currently do not. May God bless those parents and heal the children who are suffering with different ailments. May God bless those who are angry with him as I am right now. I know he is big enough to handle it, but it only angers me more that I am angry right now....if that makes any sense to any of you!
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