The Enemy's Whispers

I have written in the past and spoken of how the enemy whispered to me during the days, weeks, and months after we lost Riley.  The enemy would say things about what a bad mother I was, how God was punishing me, how other people who were having healthy children and getting pregnant were loved more.  Satan is good, he knows when we are weak and he knows what words can turn our stomachs, fill our eyes with tears of frustration and anger, and then what words to make us start imagining how to overcome our situation.  And he starts with a quick whisper.  Once you start to listen, his whispers get longer and more intense.  It becomes harder to say no or to quit listening.

Satan whispers to the alcoholic, "Just ONE more drink and you will feel better."  Satan whispers to the student who is taking a test, "Just a LITTLE peak at her paper, no one will know.  You want an 'A', right?".  Satan whispers to the shopaholic, "You NEED those shoes, they are on sale and you deserve it."  Satan whispers to the child, "Mom won't know if you SNEAK candy before dinner, just be quiet."  Satan whispers to the over-eater, "You will feel better if you eat this cake, you like food and it tastes good.  Remember how good it tastes, just ONE piece...."  Satan whispers to the virgin, "You are the ONLY virgin.  He/She will not like you anymore if you don't do it.  God cannot expect you to wait."

Satan changes his tone and persuasion behind his whispers depending on the situation you are in at that moment.  For me, a year and a half ago, it was the loss of my son.  Today, it is the challenges that come with being a full time office manager, wife, and mom.  I am blessed to be able to be with my son all day.  I am blessed to be able to take him to work with us.  It is also a challenge.  Satan knows that and he whispers in my ear during my weakest moments.  The moment when the accounts don't balance, the solicitors keep calling, a situation at the office requires my immediate attention, my husband sends me a message for something he needs right away, and my son is crying, I get a whisper.  A few weeks ago he started whispering, "Riley is at peace.  You WANT peace, right?  You could be with Riley now and HAVE peace.  You can make that choice now and see your son."  But do you realize what he was actually trying to say behind his choreographed whisper?  "Kill yourself, destroy your family.  You are too weak to handle this."  Wow!  I expressed to Andrew the fear that came over me the minute I realized what Satan was whispering to me.  I told him how I understood how some people make suicidal decisions.  The listen to and follow through with the whispers.  How sweet his words were to me during that weak moment.  He KNEW just what to say!  He preys on our weakness.

This past week, when my son just wanted me, but I wanted to get caught up in work.  When he refused his bottle and cried in daddy's arms because it was not me.  My eyes filled with tears of frustration, and Satan came back with a whisper.  "Mother's can walk away from their families too.  You can walk away back to the days when you were single and sleeping.  Remember the days when you had a convertible and the wind in your hair without a care in the world?"

AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Satan, I COMMAND you in Jesus name to QUIT whispering in my ear.  In MY weakness HE is strong.  You will not gain control over me.  Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe!  Those days were not better.  I had plenty of cares!  My cares may be different now as I worry about and care for my husband and our son on earth.  God has blessed me with such a patient husband, and a son that wants me constantly.  Remember when I complained that my arms were empty....now they are full!

What is Satan whispering in your ear?  Is he telling you to leave your spouse?  Is he telling you to cheat?  Is he telling you that your addiction is under control?  Is he telling you to get more into debt? How well are you praying and sharing the whispers with others to defend against the enemy?  I can now understand how easy it is for us to commit some of the most unthinkable sins.  Our enemy gets into our head during our weakest moments and speaks some truth amongst many lies to convince us to sin.  Please pray for the enemy to leave you during those moments.  Please take time before making life altering decisions.  Please ask others to pray for you.  Please let me know how I may pray for you.  With prayer and accountability we can defeat the enemy's whispers and find the peace and happiness that only God can provide which is what we want in the end.

The song "Jesus Paid It All" keeps running through my mind as I type this post, especially the verse,
"I hear the Savior say, Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all.' "

Children of weakness, read and pray, find in Him your all in all!

Silent Scream

I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!!!!  Yes, you may only see me with one.  You may hear me talk about how I am learning about vaccines, solid foods, rolling over patterns, etc.  You may think, "Oh, she is a new mom."  But what you may not know is that I am not a new mom.  Motherhood to an earthly, living, growing child is new to me; but pregnancy, giving birth, holding a child that was just born, kissing and hugging my child, singing to my child, those are not new to me.

Sometimes I correct people when they say one child or ask when we will try for baby number two.  Sometimes I just let it be with a silent apology to Riley and a long, inward, silent scream.  Often, when I have a few minutes of quiet in my head to think, I wish I would have corrected people more.  I wish I could do more to show that I am the proud mother of two children, two beautiful boys.  I get so tickled when I see Nehemiah look at the photos of Riley around the house.  Occasionally when I hear him babbling I wonder if he is talking to his brother already.

This last weekend we traveled to my hometown for a family reunion and to baptize Nehemiah in the church I was raised making him the 5th generation of my family to be baptized in that church.  I wish I had done more to acknowledge Riley during the ceremony, but I know that it was more about Andrew and my dedication to raise Nehemiah in a Godly home and to teach him about Jesus and God, our Father in Heaven.  However, I cannot help but feel guilty for not doing more to have him be a part of the ceremony too.  So, silently I scream.  Silently I screamed during the ceremony, "Riley's little brother, Riley I wish you were here!"  "Riley I love you and miss you and everyday, every hour I think of you."

The more difficult silent screams come from comments about how people learn to be parents with a child but it becomes more difficult when there are two.  "I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!"  Can't these people hear my silent screams as I politely nod and think of ways to politely correct them or change the conversation.  Can't they see that I will not look at their face for fear that they will actually hear my silent screams and then turn away uncomfortably because to them they never meant to bring up such a tender subject.  The reality is, not bringing up Riley is like he is forgotten.  Like he doesn't count to them as much as he counts for me.  I LOVE bringing up Riley.  He is our firstborn.  I bring him up in every conversation, but often if you are talking to me you would never know it because it is my silent scream.

An example is when I was sitting around with some family and they were admiring all the new babies in the family and talking about how before they had two children, others with two children warned them how hard it was and how now they had one child hanging on each arm.  I can only imagine having two living children hanging off each arm would be tiring.  Try having one on an arm and the other on my heart.  There is a love for both of my children that a mother can understand, but there is the love of a child in Heaven that really weighs on your heart that only a mother with a child in Heaven can understand.

I am worried that all of my silent screams are going to build up and one day I may outwardly scream to correct someone.  I pray that does not happen.

For now, when you talk to me, just know that I am silently screaming, silently correcting you, and silently thinking of how I know you mean no harm.  But, by not acknowledging my Riley, by not acknowledging that my situation is different, it hurts me.  Please do not compare me to you or anyone else.
And please, think before you speak.  I need to work on this as well.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that could not get pregnant.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had miscarriages.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had an abortion.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has given up her child for adoption.  And you never know what mother you are speaking to that has had a stillbirth or had a child pass away later in life.  These women all have the tug on their heart that is lacking from that tug on their arm, but it is still a heavy tug from a beautiful child that all they can do is pray for a memory or a dream of.
For me, I pray to dream about Riley.  I pray to have dreams of what it would have been like if he were here growing up ahead of Nehemiah.  I pray for the sleepless nights, the spit up shirts, the dirty diapers that I missed with him.  I pray to dream of what it is like in Heaven for when I get to meet him.  I pray to feel him near me, especially the days that I feel he is slipping away from me.  Tonight, I feel him near.  Tonight I feel him hugging my heart. Tonight I scream out loud with tears down my face, both happy and sad, "I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BEAUTIFUL BOYS".  Tomorrow, my screams may go silent again.