The Enemy's Whispers

I have written in the past and spoken of how the enemy whispered to me during the days, weeks, and months after we lost Riley.  The enemy would say things about what a bad mother I was, how God was punishing me, how other people who were having healthy children and getting pregnant were loved more.  Satan is good, he knows when we are weak and he knows what words can turn our stomachs, fill our eyes with tears of frustration and anger, and then what words to make us start imagining how to overcome our situation.  And he starts with a quick whisper.  Once you start to listen, his whispers get longer and more intense.  It becomes harder to say no or to quit listening.

Satan whispers to the alcoholic, "Just ONE more drink and you will feel better."  Satan whispers to the student who is taking a test, "Just a LITTLE peak at her paper, no one will know.  You want an 'A', right?".  Satan whispers to the shopaholic, "You NEED those shoes, they are on sale and you deserve it."  Satan whispers to the child, "Mom won't know if you SNEAK candy before dinner, just be quiet."  Satan whispers to the over-eater, "You will feel better if you eat this cake, you like food and it tastes good.  Remember how good it tastes, just ONE piece...."  Satan whispers to the virgin, "You are the ONLY virgin.  He/She will not like you anymore if you don't do it.  God cannot expect you to wait."

Satan changes his tone and persuasion behind his whispers depending on the situation you are in at that moment.  For me, a year and a half ago, it was the loss of my son.  Today, it is the challenges that come with being a full time office manager, wife, and mom.  I am blessed to be able to be with my son all day.  I am blessed to be able to take him to work with us.  It is also a challenge.  Satan knows that and he whispers in my ear during my weakest moments.  The moment when the accounts don't balance, the solicitors keep calling, a situation at the office requires my immediate attention, my husband sends me a message for something he needs right away, and my son is crying, I get a whisper.  A few weeks ago he started whispering, "Riley is at peace.  You WANT peace, right?  You could be with Riley now and HAVE peace.  You can make that choice now and see your son."  But do you realize what he was actually trying to say behind his choreographed whisper?  "Kill yourself, destroy your family.  You are too weak to handle this."  Wow!  I expressed to Andrew the fear that came over me the minute I realized what Satan was whispering to me.  I told him how I understood how some people make suicidal decisions.  The listen to and follow through with the whispers.  How sweet his words were to me during that weak moment.  He KNEW just what to say!  He preys on our weakness.

This past week, when my son just wanted me, but I wanted to get caught up in work.  When he refused his bottle and cried in daddy's arms because it was not me.  My eyes filled with tears of frustration, and Satan came back with a whisper.  "Mother's can walk away from their families too.  You can walk away back to the days when you were single and sleeping.  Remember the days when you had a convertible and the wind in your hair without a care in the world?"

AAAAAHHHHH!!!! Satan, I COMMAND you in Jesus name to QUIT whispering in my ear.  In MY weakness HE is strong.  You will not gain control over me.  Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe!  Those days were not better.  I had plenty of cares!  My cares may be different now as I worry about and care for my husband and our son on earth.  God has blessed me with such a patient husband, and a son that wants me constantly.  Remember when I complained that my arms were empty....now they are full!

What is Satan whispering in your ear?  Is he telling you to leave your spouse?  Is he telling you to cheat?  Is he telling you that your addiction is under control?  Is he telling you to get more into debt? How well are you praying and sharing the whispers with others to defend against the enemy?  I can now understand how easy it is for us to commit some of the most unthinkable sins.  Our enemy gets into our head during our weakest moments and speaks some truth amongst many lies to convince us to sin.  Please pray for the enemy to leave you during those moments.  Please take time before making life altering decisions.  Please ask others to pray for you.  Please let me know how I may pray for you.  With prayer and accountability we can defeat the enemy's whispers and find the peace and happiness that only God can provide which is what we want in the end.

The song "Jesus Paid It All" keeps running through my mind as I type this post, especially the verse,
"I hear the Savior say, Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray, Find in Me thine all in all.' "

Children of weakness, read and pray, find in Him your all in all!

Silent Scream

I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!!!!  Yes, you may only see me with one.  You may hear me talk about how I am learning about vaccines, solid foods, rolling over patterns, etc.  You may think, "Oh, she is a new mom."  But what you may not know is that I am not a new mom.  Motherhood to an earthly, living, growing child is new to me; but pregnancy, giving birth, holding a child that was just born, kissing and hugging my child, singing to my child, those are not new to me.

Sometimes I correct people when they say one child or ask when we will try for baby number two.  Sometimes I just let it be with a silent apology to Riley and a long, inward, silent scream.  Often, when I have a few minutes of quiet in my head to think, I wish I would have corrected people more.  I wish I could do more to show that I am the proud mother of two children, two beautiful boys.  I get so tickled when I see Nehemiah look at the photos of Riley around the house.  Occasionally when I hear him babbling I wonder if he is talking to his brother already.

This last weekend we traveled to my hometown for a family reunion and to baptize Nehemiah in the church I was raised making him the 5th generation of my family to be baptized in that church.  I wish I had done more to acknowledge Riley during the ceremony, but I know that it was more about Andrew and my dedication to raise Nehemiah in a Godly home and to teach him about Jesus and God, our Father in Heaven.  However, I cannot help but feel guilty for not doing more to have him be a part of the ceremony too.  So, silently I scream.  Silently I screamed during the ceremony, "Riley's little brother, Riley I wish you were here!"  "Riley I love you and miss you and everyday, every hour I think of you."

The more difficult silent screams come from comments about how people learn to be parents with a child but it becomes more difficult when there are two.  "I HAVE TWO CHILDREN!"  Can't these people hear my silent screams as I politely nod and think of ways to politely correct them or change the conversation.  Can't they see that I will not look at their face for fear that they will actually hear my silent screams and then turn away uncomfortably because to them they never meant to bring up such a tender subject.  The reality is, not bringing up Riley is like he is forgotten.  Like he doesn't count to them as much as he counts for me.  I LOVE bringing up Riley.  He is our firstborn.  I bring him up in every conversation, but often if you are talking to me you would never know it because it is my silent scream.

An example is when I was sitting around with some family and they were admiring all the new babies in the family and talking about how before they had two children, others with two children warned them how hard it was and how now they had one child hanging on each arm.  I can only imagine having two living children hanging off each arm would be tiring.  Try having one on an arm and the other on my heart.  There is a love for both of my children that a mother can understand, but there is the love of a child in Heaven that really weighs on your heart that only a mother with a child in Heaven can understand.

I am worried that all of my silent screams are going to build up and one day I may outwardly scream to correct someone.  I pray that does not happen.

For now, when you talk to me, just know that I am silently screaming, silently correcting you, and silently thinking of how I know you mean no harm.  But, by not acknowledging my Riley, by not acknowledging that my situation is different, it hurts me.  Please do not compare me to you or anyone else.
And please, think before you speak.  I need to work on this as well.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that could not get pregnant.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had miscarriages.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has had an abortion.  You never know what mother you are speaking to that has given up her child for adoption.  And you never know what mother you are speaking to that has had a stillbirth or had a child pass away later in life.  These women all have the tug on their heart that is lacking from that tug on their arm, but it is still a heavy tug from a beautiful child that all they can do is pray for a memory or a dream of.
For me, I pray to dream about Riley.  I pray to have dreams of what it would have been like if he were here growing up ahead of Nehemiah.  I pray for the sleepless nights, the spit up shirts, the dirty diapers that I missed with him.  I pray to dream of what it is like in Heaven for when I get to meet him.  I pray to feel him near me, especially the days that I feel he is slipping away from me.  Tonight, I feel him near.  Tonight I feel him hugging my heart. Tonight I scream out loud with tears down my face, both happy and sad, "I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BEAUTIFUL BOYS".  Tomorrow, my screams may go silent again.

Post Partum Doula

Sure, many people have heard the term 'doula', but do they know the wonderful services a doula can provide?  Do they know that not only is a doula great for labor and delivery, but a blessing to have when you bring your baby home?  Did you know that?

A few months before we delivered Nehemiah we were contacted by a dear, sweet friend.  She explained that she was working on becoming certified as a postpartum doula and wondered if we would open our home to her services when we brought our son home.  She needed some hours to help complete this certificate.  This was the first time either of us had heard of a post-partum doula.  We didn't take much time to think or discuss.  Even though we would not be first time parents, we would be bringing a child back to our home for the first time.  Andrew and I were preparing to spend a lot of time alone with our son, so I was surprised when we both said yes without much thought.  I believe God knew that if I thought about it, I would over analyze the situation and Robin was just what we needed, so he helped speak the "yes, please!" out of us quickly.

Many people, including you, have prayed for us, wept with us, and celebrated with us from our birth of Riley to our birth of Nehemiah.  Many of you wanted to come hold him and see him as soon as we came home.  All of you respected our wishes, and let us have time bonding.  Many of the first few weeks I was swept away with emotions.  I was glad that I did not have to put on a face for company, but could embrace our new son even if his body was covered in my tears as I prayed over him, and mourned for what I missed with Riley.  Also, with Riley, we planned on me returning to work as I could depending on his health.  But, with Nehemiah, we planned on a 6-8 week maternity leave.  However, after only 3 short weeks I had to return to work full time.  Post pregnancy hormones combined with grief, disbelief, stress, and lack of sleep surrounded my every move.  I remember Andrew finding me on the floor of his closet in his office at work rocking and nursing our son as I sobbed uncontrollably.  I often did this throughout the night too as I knew that there would be no resting for me when our son rested.  I felt like my time to mourn over Riley was slipping away and I was forgetting him.  I was becoming frustrated with learning to care for a newborn yet selfish for those feelings because it was Nehemiah whom we prayed for to be a sibling to Riley.  Even though my memories of Riley can be painful, I cherish them because they are the only memories I have.  So, when I feel the normal feelings of a "new" parent, I feel guilty because I would give anything to have felt those feelings with Riley.  So, there I was, a mom bringing home her second son, without a true idea of what to do and God gave us Robin!

Robin was a blessing, Robin is a blessing!  She came to our home and made sure I had snacks while I nursed.  She helped answer my nursing and pumping questions.  She helped with laundry, swept our floors, washed our dishes.  She showed us how to swaddle, and how to bathe.  She loved on Gunnar!  She was always calm, always polite, and always genuine.  She NEVER asked to hold Nehemiah, but she willingly and lovingly took him as I handed her to him so that I could shower or nap.  She came to the office and held him so I could get a little work done with two hands.  She listened to me vent, listened to me cry, listened to me talk about my feelings.  She encouraged ME, she cared for ME, she was there for ME.  This was HUGE.  Sure, I could have asked friends or family for help, but those who know me, know it is difficult for me to ask for help.  And, let me be honest.  Many, if not all of my friends and family would have asked to hold Nehemiah.  Their first thought would have been on holding our rainbow baby.  Robin's first thought was on MY health both physically and mentally.  She was exactly what I needed.  I explained that to her during one of her last visits to our home.  I know that if I had asked someone to come help, it would have stressed me out more because I was not ready to let others hold Nehemiah, and I didn't realize what I needed, but Robin knew what I needed.  I thank God for having her think of us when she was thinking of families.

I love to think back to the paths God delicately paved in my life.  It was a few months before we opened the office.  We took Gunnar to his veterinary appointment and met Robin, her children and their dog.  I was pregnant with Riley.  We had no idea that God would take Riley home, bless us 3 months later with another pregnancy, and keep Robin in our lives to provide us with her services when we brought our second son home.  Robin, I cannot thank you enough for the gift you gave us.  The advice and guidance you provided with remain with me.

I STRONGLY recommend a postpartum doula for anyone bringing a baby home.  Family and friends are always willing to help as well, but there is something about the care of a doula that comes guilt and stress free!  If you are in the Spring Hill, TN area, look up Mother Well - Professional Postpartum services on Facebook.  Also, gift certificates for a post-partum doula make great baby shower gifts!

Riley's Angelversary

Today marks one year since I gave birth to our sweet son, Riley, who was born into Heaven.  We learned the day before that his heart had stopped and I would be induced to deliver his body into this world, only to have a short time to hold him and say goodbye.

Time has moved so fast the past couple years.  It seems like only yesterday I was telling Andrew that we were pregnant with Riley.  Yesterday, we welcomed his body into our arms only to lay him to rest.  Yesterday, I learned we were pregnant with our second child.  Yesterday, we gave birth to our second child, a son, Nehemiah, whom came into the world with his body so warm and alive it brought all the emotions I have held below the surface to the top again.  Today, it has been 11 days since we welcomed Nehemiah into the world, 365 days that we welcomed Riley into the world.  And who knows what tomorrow's yesterday will bring in the years to come.

My doctor, as well as Nehemiah's doctor, has advised that we limit visitors and outings due to the recent flu pandemic and RSV outbreak.  I am 100% in agreement with this.  We have informed family and a few friends that they must have had the flu vaccine to see Nehemiah and the Tdap to spend time with him.  I have also selfishly not wanted to have people over as the time neared Riley's Angelversary.  As I think about what I was doing a year ago, and think about how I did not hold my son as much as I should have, and how I have memories from that day that fill me with regret.  Andrew and I discussed how we would do things differently with Nehemiah's birth.  I wanted time to bond with our son, at home, alone.  Of course I want Andrew to be with us, but I have not wanted to share our son with outsiders yet.  Yes, I am the mother of 2 children which typically means that we are more lenient with the second child.  However, I did not get to bring my first son home, so in many ways, this is like a first child experience for us.  I am enjoying every moment I can hold Nehemiah.  I love every move he makes.  I love feeling his chest rise and seeing color in his face.  As much as my hormones and lack of sleep cause me to tear every time he cries...I love hearing him cry.  Right now as I type, it is hard for me to not be holding him.  He is in his swing sleeping with the most beautiful smile on his face, and that brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of joy for the blessing God has given us.  Tears of sadness for missing this opportunity with Riley.

I have been filled with a mess of emotions since the birth of Nehemiah as this day approached.  I have expressed to Andrew the times I broke down during the day thinking about Riley and remembering his sweet soul.  We have been blessed with 2 beautiful boys, but only one that gets to live with us on earth.  A son that we will teach all about his big brother Riley.  One that I will be super protective of, especially the next couple months.  One that I will not want to share in other's arms until I feel like I have held him enough.

I am grateful for all our friends and family that have cried with us, stood beside us, supported us, prayed for us during our short time with Riley and the preparation for Nehemiah.  I do feel a little guilty that I am not openly welcoming visitors and showing him off.   However, I am going to cherish every moment I can with this son so I do not live with the same regret that I do with Riley.  I am going to hold this son more because I did not get to hold Riley long enough.  I am going to pray harder for the enemy's words to leave my mind just as quickly as they enter because he knows that anything harmful happening to this son is my weakness right now.  I do not even keep my phone with me or check emails and facebook like I did before, for fear that I may miss a memory with Nehemiah.

Today, as I remember birthing and holding Riley a year ago, I will remember him as I hold Nehemiah.  We will celebrate and remember Riley with a cake I am baking.  We will celebrate and remember Riley as father, mother, and brother in the privacy of our own home.  And I will shed tears of happiness, sadness, heartache, love, blessings, and thankfulness.

We chose Riley's name because we met on a blind date because of the help of a mutual friend and Riley's Hospital for Children.  We chose Nehemiah's name because it means comforted by God.  And his middle name Caleb because it means whole heart.  Our son, Nehemiah, has a full, healthy heart.  And, because of Nehemiah, the walls of our family that were once torn down by heartache and grief, have now been built again with love and memories.

Thank you God for favoring me with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful boys!  Thank you for allowing me this time to bond with my son alone and strengthen my heart again!

Preparing for the Birth of Our Rainbow Baby

I do not know where to even begin.  I cannot believe it has almost been 1 year since we learned our Riley had passed and I labored his body into the world to hold it for only a short amount of time saying our goodbyes and thanking God throughout our heartache.  We had Riley cremated and his beautiful urn sits on our mantel.  I am looking up at it as I type this post.

A few months later God blessed us with another pregnancy.  Another son.  And now, as I am approaching my 37th week, which was when Riley's heart had stopped, we are preparing for an induction to help bring our sweet, second son into the world.  

People ask all the time if we are ready and packed.  Well, first, you are never 'really' ready.  But for us, we have been ready with nurseries and clothes, and packed hospital bags for 2 years.  I did unpack and take down the nursery for awhile, but during the holidays we set the nursery back up.  And, due to the possibility of pre-term labor, our hospital bags have been packed for awhile.  Now I think I am over packed because I have had 2 years to continually pack and plan.  2 years to google, to ask, to search Pinterest for ideas.  

The past couple weeks have been the most emotional for me.  Memories of February 1st have flooded my brain.  The sights, sounds, and smells of that day are all too familiar, especially when we were there for our 24 hour monitoring a couple weeks ago.  I would not change any of it, it just stirs up a mix of joy, of sadness, of hurt, and of healing.  

The constant thought in my head is if God is with me, who can be against me.  And, no matter what happens as I am induced tomorrow, I am grateful for the time God gave me to feel our precious Riley grow inside of me.  I am grateful for the time that I have felt this son.  

And, God has been with me through it all.  He never leaves us.  He has really been speaking to me, preparing me for tomorrow through my devotionals this week.  I would like to share and highlight a few thoughts out of the devotions with you.

Last Monday, the devotional focused on viewing each day as an adventure.  It told me not to program the day to my will, but be attentive to God and what he has prepared for me.  To thank him for the day and treat it as a gift.

Tuesday, my devotional told me not to focus on my emptiness, but to let him fill me with His peace.  To rejoice in that He completely understands me.  He understands our struggles and weaknesses.

Wednesday, my devotional reminded me of the peace he gives us that transcends all understanding.  It talked about how if I gaze at my problems I will sink under the weight of my burdens.  He reminds us to call out "Help me, Jesus!" to lift us up.  He is with us helping face the trials of the day.

Thursday really hit home.  It talked about how we try to think our way through trials, however we are only meant to experience them when they occur.  If we think them out in our mind, we relive them over and over.  We need to trust Him and live them once.  Relax and live in peace!

Friday's devotional told me not to worry about tomorrow.  We need to anticipate blessings and accept difficulties.  Miracles can be weaved into the most mundane day if we keep our focus on Him!

Saturday's devotional talked about how He leads us along the high road, but there are descents.  We are not to try to take shortcuts, but follow Him closely and let Him lead the path for us.

Sunday's devotional encouraged me to to let Him displace worry at the center of my being.  To let Him shower me in peace.

Finally, today's devotional said "Approach this day with awareness of who is boss".  He is the one that orchestrates the events of our life.  When we have days that things go smoothly, we tend to forget He is around and He gets lost in the background.  When things go roughly, we beckon Him and ask where He had been.  He is there the whole time.  We need to remember to thank him in the good times and in the bad.  To not try to figure out why things are going the way they are, but to trust they are His plan, even if it is difficult to swallow sometimes.  We need to trust Him and thank Him in advance for the good that will come out of it all. 

If Riley were here today, we would not be getting ready to welcome another son into the world tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong, I would give just about anything to have Riley here with us today, but that is not our Father's plan and I accept that.  I look forward to how I can serve Him in my life on earth and raise our children to know Riley and the favors from God we have witnessed in our time with and without Riley on this earth.  

And, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't mention that I am a little nervous/scared about tomorrow.  I am praying for a healthy, easy delivery like I had with Riley, but that may not be God's plan.

Lord, thank you for all you have given me.  Thank you for the hard times and the good times.  Thank you for my family and friends, and those who I have yet to meet.  Thank you for the blessing of good news with our dog today.  Thank you for giving me peace today as I remember laboring Riley a year ago and fight the nerves and fears off as I try not to think about tomorrow.  Help me remember that you already have tomorrow mapped out, and I only need to live it once.  Thank you for all those you have praying for us and bless them in their lives Lord. 

And, as you know, I have come to meet many women who have shared their stories of child loss as well as current pregnancy scares/complications.  Please give those women the peace they need and encouraging words to know that we are only strong because of you.  Lord you give me the strength I need and I pray that you help give them strength as well.