If you search the definition of anxiety on the web, you will see Merriam Webster defines it as:
apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill : a state of being anxious
with a medical diagnosis of:
overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physical signs (such as tension, sweating, and increased pulse rate), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it
Anxiety is something I have fought with most of my life. Often, I have ignored it, or been able to "move past" it. I remember during my first year of college experiencing a lot of anxiety. I was not use to studying. I was definitely not use to living outside of my parents house. I wanted to make friends and do all the things everyone else I was meeting was doing. What I struggled with was studying back in my dorm instead of watching TV when others were studying. So when others did well on tests and in classes, I struggled with learning to study and be prepared for exams. My mom took me to counselors and hypnotists. When my aunt was suddenly killed in a car accident during the Spring of my Freshman year, my counseling increased and I did not like the medication I was prescribed. Immaturity I now know played a huge role at that time in my life, but the anxiety that I did not properly grasp was also present.
I am still learning to address my anxiety properly and struggling with prayer with it all. From loosing Riley, loosing Gabriel, taking a risk and opening a dental practice with my husband, loosing our dads, and raising kids (especially with their own unique needs and medical concerns), I have realized that I may have usually dealt with the anxiety by putting other things on my plate so I did not have time to think. Maybe I do better with my anxiety when my plate is too full, however, there are times that I just want to sit and cry. I want to pull the blankets over head and stay in bed. I want to take enough medication to make the tightness in my chest stop and feel more "lighthearted".
I have talked to counselors. I have talked to my primary care doctor. I take anxiety medications. But I am lacking in prayer, or at least the prayer time I use to devote. I have tried to read again, and included books to better serve my purpose God has intended on earth (along with my pleasure reads).
But this week, after a few stressful, what are normal life is going wrong (water heater went out, minor issues on vacation, water pump in van went out, etc.), I woke up at 4:30am from a terrible nightmare and my left arm was throbbing and I felt a burning in my chest. I had a very vivid dreams that night with some of the things that stress me out or make me anxious, but that particular dream that I awoke from was Jonah having an allergic reaction to a food he was eating at school. If you have never witnessed your child (or anyone you love so deeply) start loosing signs of life, be grateful. I don't wish those visions or realities on anyone. So, I put it off as anxiety and tried to go back to sleep. However, as the day went on, my left arm was still hurting off and on and my chest was tight. I put off having an EKG until Andrew got home to be with the kids that night. The thought of having to ask for help or figure out where they kids were or who could get them was more than I wanted to deal with during the day. I know I should not have worried about that, but I did. Luckily, my EKG was good. The urgent care doctor said that I may have pulled a muscle in my neck or chest and that is what caused the arm pain. And I also need to get more control of this anxiety.
But how do I do that? I can change a lot of things in our life to make it less stressful, but life is stressful. I cannot change Jonah's food allergies and that is something that weighs heavy on me everyday. The odd thing is, it isn't that we have to pay more for food, or figure things out different to cook. It isn't even where he is going to school or who is with him because God gives me peace for that than I could have imagined (even though my dream was different), but it is because I have felt for years that there is something God wants me to do besides what I am already doing. I use to think it was for Riley, and that is why I started this blog and talk to other moms who unfortunately joined our "club". But I really feel strongly now that it has something to do with Jonah and his allergies. I could be wrong, but I am going to start stepping out in faith more than I have been. I am going to do my part to try harder to bring Jesus into our home more than we have lately. And I am going to pray more for the answer and guidance of what God wants me to do, what my purpose is. And while I do, I will be blogging more on Jonah and our menus and what we do in our home to help keep him safe and still eat as a family without making different menus each night.
Please pray for us, and for me, as we learn to listen to the Holy Spirit more. I recently listened to our Pastor's sermon from last week since we missed church. He spoke of paranoia. And that hit me like a brick. My anxiety has given me such paranoia the past year. It is there when I talk myself out of sharing what we do for our family dinners. I do not enjoy cooking, but somehow I find some peace in it when I make a dairy free dinner for Jonah that he enjoys. That feeling makes me want to do more. So if you, or someone you know also suffers food allergies that are severe enough they could die, please know you are not alone! And if you suffer from anxiety, please don't suffer alone. Talk to someone and seek professional help.
