Fear is the word that best describes how I am living my life right now. Fear is how I shop for groceries. Fear is how I plan my schedule. Fear is how I am surviving to take care of my family. This fear came into my life over six years ago when I found out Riley's heart had stopped. When I realized how precious and fragile the life of a developing child was. I fought and lived with this fear with my next three pregnancies. I re-lived it when I found out Gabriel did not have a heartbeat. Now, during my fifth pregnancy, I still have that fear. This time, I am not following along in apps or schedules to follow this pregnancy day by day or week by week. I think I am around 17 weeks, maybe 18. I know when I am due and I know when I will probably be induced. In my effort to not let this part of the fear in my life win, I am just doing what I do best, staying busy.
However, there is another fear I am living with that adds to the fear of loosing another child in the womb. This fear is with Jonah's allergies. This fear fuels anger and frustration. This fear cripples me to my core when I realize that Jonah's food allergies is probably what will kill him. This fear does cause me to give him more attention sometimes because I don't know how long I have him on this earth. Then I get angry. I am angry that I think that way. Angry that I cannot go anywhere with food and not have a panic attack on the inside. Often, I am screaming from within and smiling on the outside so no one will know how terrified I am. I don't want people to see that I would rather be "safe" in our home, then risking him being near food that could cause another anaphylactic reaction that could be fatal. After all, home is where he has been when he has had three of his reactions. Two of which were my fault, purely accidental, and I will not forgive myself for that. My mistake only made me realize that I cannot send him to camps or parties as long as he has this fatal allergies. Angry that he will and has missed out on things in life because he has these allergies. We tried to be a dairy-free home for awhile. It did not work. I go into silent panic attacks when Nehemiah gets up from the table with possible dairy on his hands and starts touching things that Jonah could touch. I am trying to instill the fear I have on Nehemiah so he will think and wash his hands after eating. Five years old is a difficult age to understand. Insert more fear as I imagine what it will be like when it is time for Jonah to start Kindergarten. Right now, he has a fabulous school and amazing teachers who help watch out for him. What happens when he is surrounded by other kids who do not think, because they are kids? What happens when he gets invited to parties full of pizza and cake? I am searching for more answers. There is a lot that doesn't make sense to me and I need to find an allergist who can support me and make some of my fear go away. I cannot cook. I do not like it. I wonder why God would do this to my child.
Years ago I was the strongest I have ever been in my faith. Life and fear have pushed that strength away and I have allowed it to blind me from where I should be. I have told a few people that Riley brought me closer to God and Jonah's allergies have taken me further away. Now, I sit here, thankful he is still with me. Thankful for both of my boys at home. Thankful for this baby growing inside of me. But a new fear has built on my others like another tetris block falling into place. This fear is what makes me. This fear is what makes it hard to get out of bed and at the same time, the part that makes me get out of bed. We were suppose to begin fertility treatments in January as my eggs were crippled and aged. We had about 1% chance of getting pregnant. We were surprised we were able to and thankful we did not have to begin fertility treatments. But now, I wonder if its my eggs that caused Riley's heart condition, even though we were told it was a fluke mutation. I wonder if its my eggs that have caused all of Jonah's problems. And I wait for what I will hear this child has from my aging body. That is my new fear. This is my life as it is now.
I know everyone has their own fears and their own truths. I know each person has their own inner battle they are dealing with. This is mine. I often think I will drop my social media account. I often wonder if I need to blog anymore. My wonderful husband reminds me that there have been a few people who have felt less alone by reading my words.
I have not blogged in awhile, mostly because I stay so busy, but mostly because it is difficult admitting inner fears. But, here it is, here is my soul for the better part of this past year poured out in an online forum for others. Whatever your inner battle is, know that you are not alone. Please know that even if it is not close to mine, there is someone else out there hurting too. I told a sweet friend a week ago that my therapy sometimes is to write. To pour my soul out. This may be in my blog or in a letter to someone that I never give them, or even to myself that no one else reads. Find what works best for you.
