It has now been 3 years since I found out that Gabriel's heart was not beating. I had lots of moments I had to hold it together on August 31. I started to work on my post then, but the day got away and was filled with lots of tasks due that day that were going wrong. I spent a lot of time in the car and when the boys were napping in the back seat, I cried. I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore. I was wrong. I cried again that night. I cried again on Saturday. I cried on Sunday. And I have cried today. Gabriel was a different type of child loss. He was a child that I can only imagine what he looks like. I can only imagine what it would have been like to hold him. I carried him in my womb for such a short time. I will carry him in my heart forever.
I still believe in the truth behind the medical science of a broken heart. I had an EKG done this year due to chest pains. They are stronger when I am anxious because of stress and missing my sons I lost. I lost. Yes, I know, I should not blame myself. As a women, that is difficult. It is our body that is designed to nourish and carry our children as they begin to form. It is a miraculous process. It is a true gift designed by God. But my body failed. And my body is still failing as my heart yearns for another baby, a baby Andrew and I form together. It is my body that is not allowing this. How can I not blame myself or feel like a failure? This is a constant battle in my mind. I think I stay busy so I can somewhat shut it off.
If you find yourself feeling this way, please know that you are not alone. I can tell you not to blame yourself. But I would be a hypocrite. I am praying through this. For the strength to not have my heart ache so badly. For the reassuring words and peace that this is God's plan. And for the courage to move forward and accept whatever is to be.
It is not easy. I do not think it is suppose to be. I use to think being pregnant made me feel more connected to Riley. Now, as I think back to that awful day when I was loosing Gabriel, I think pregnancy helped connect me to him as well.
