I remember feeling such peace as the nurse searched for a heartbeat and couldn't find it. I remember nervously talking, knowing that transitioning me to a room for an ultrasound was not good. I remember feeling such peace when the doctor announced how sorry she was and that she couldn't find a heartbeat. I remember her leaving the room and Andrew suddenly sobbing while I rubbed his back with this peaceful calm about me. I remember calling our parents to tell them as we stopped by the post office like it was a normal day. I remember calling patients to move their appointments so we could go to the hospital and prepare for delivering our stillborn son. I remember driving to the hospital and learning about NILMDTS. I remember finally loosing some of my peace during the epidural in the middle of the night and hyperventilating into a paper bag. I remember the doctor that delivered me talking about how she almost didn't make it because of the car line to Starbucks blocking her path to the hospital. I remember the moment Riley was laid onto my chest. I remember the laminated picture of a leaf with a rain drop hanging on my hospital door. This signified a loss occurred in that room. I remember the women who came to baptize Riley and wanting Pastor Andy, his wife Amy and my friend Melissa in the room.
Some memories I have are angry. Some are happy. Many are sad. A few are fading. I have to fight to remember those. They may not be anything important, but I don't ever want to forget the day I said goodbye to my son before I got to say hello. Technically his heart stopped the day before I delivered him. So he died before he was born…that is stillborn. He died 1/31/13 and was born 2/1/13. If he was buried his headstone would read that way. But we chose to have him cremated and stay home with us. One day, he will be buried with us (whoever goes last).
The first few years it was hard to go on vacation and leave him in our home. But I have to remember that it is just the ashes from his body. His soul is in Heaven.
We recently began reading and studying the book, "The Power of a Praying Parent" in our LifeGroup. The first chapters made me mad. I prayed for Riley, others prayed for Riley. But he wasn't protected. He died. Then I remembered, he WAS protected. He IS protected. He served his purpose for his short life on Earth in my womb. He is not suffering. He doesn't have to deal with temptation and sin. He is with Our Father. Why would I want him here?! How selfish of me! Makes me sad that I want Nehemiah and Jonah here with me…praying for our children's souls and trying to raise them in the way they should be raised is a heavy burden. Maybe not burden, but it is a huge responsibility!
We continue to try to teach Nehemiah and Jonah about their brothers in Heaven. I recently purchased the book "Someone Came Before You". How perfect! We talked about going away this weekend, but decided that we will probably just stay home. I have a dairy free cake mix and icing to use so Jonah can partake in the celebration of Riley as well. We will probably look at photos of Riley and watch his memorial service on DVD.
I continue to pray for how God wants to use me and our story of Riley. I get frustrated with the lack of an answer at this point. And other times he reminds me that he is using me as he shares our story with someone who needs to hear it at the time he makes sure they do!
While looking at photos the other week, Nehemiah said, "Thank you for holding Riley Mommy!" Oh sweet boy! If only you knew that I would hold you all for as long as God lets me! I would hold you all when you are twice my size if I still can and it is God's plan.
5 years have passed. I still miss you! I still long to hold you again! I am still thankful for the short time I had with you! I am still thankful that God chose you to be our son. It isn't easier necessarily, but I am learning how to live without you on Earth. Your brothers have helped me heal as they give me things to focus my energy on. Someone very wise told me that the only thing that would pull me out of the darkness I let myself get into was to get pregnant again. For me, that is what worked. I was blessed to be pregnant with Nehemiah and that helped me pull the cotton out of my ears and listen to what God was telling me again.
If you have experienced a loss, please do not get to the dark place I was. Please ask for help before then! If your partner is getting there, have an intervention! Get their friends to help them! It is not the place to be and it is not where our children or Our Father want us to be!
Happy Birthday / Angelversary Riley! You are one of our greatest achievements and blessings! You are one of our greatest gifts! Your breaths may be done, but ours are still here and we will speak of you every chance we get! Your Earthly life is done, but ours is not and you are 100% a part of our story! We love you son! Thank you for the time we had together!
