Many of you know that we had a 7 week pregnancy lost just last week. I spent that week awaiting test results to find out if the bleeding and cramping I was experiencing were in fact the baby passing or just a medical concern during a viable pregnancy. The results came in and my pregnancy hormone levels were drastically dropping. It was time to say goodbye. This happened just as quickly as we were learning to say hello.
I read an article somewhere on Facebook or Pinterest…that week was such a blur. It was by an OBGYN who said that he never tells a patient that she miscarried or that she was having a stillborn baby. He would tell his patients that they were having pregnancy losses and infant deaths. This physician said he learned throughout his years that mothers wanted the life they had lost acknowledged and if he worded it differently, they felt that their child was being honored for the life they had.
This was difficult for me. Riley would be an infant loss, but I want to raise awareness on stillbirth so badly that I do not think I will drop that term for awhile. I may start interchanging it. However, I do like the thought of saying I had a pregnancy loss rather than a miscarriage.
I did not miscarry our third child. It took me a long time to fight the enemy out of my head for what I did wrong with Riley. I will not let the enemy in by using a term that sounds like I did something wrong. I will not go into the dark months like I did with Riley. I had 7 months with Riley and only 7 weeks with this baby, whom I believe was a boy and we have named Gabriel. Each was a loss we experienced. Each loss gives me different feelings. But both losses were my children and I will honor them the best that I know how.
Only God knows why Gabriel needed to go home so early. I do wish I could have had more weeks with him, even if it was to say goodbye. I feel like I was cheated with Gabriel. I do not have ultrasounds. I never heard his heart beat. I never felt him kick. My belly had already begun stretching out and I am fighting to fit into clothes that fit 4 weeks ago.
I did not miscarry Gabriel. I took the vitamins and medicines required. I started paying more attention to what I was eating and what I was doing. Gabriel was not meant to live here with us. Riley is continuing to fulfill his big brother role. Now our Nehemiah is a big brother too. This is part of God's plan and our healing this time will be too.
I have a few ideas I am working on to help honor our children that our gone too soon, especially through pregnancy losses, both early and full term. I will use the anger of the pain from my own losses and the anger I get when I hear of other mother's having losses to give life to my ideas.
Some women may say that the have had a miscarriage, but for me, I had a pregnancy loss. Actually, I have had 2. I had one at 37 weeks and another at 7 weeks. And, the reality is, this may not be the end of our losses. If our loss story/journey continue, I will continue to praise God and fight the enemy and it is only by others praying for us that we gain more strength to live with our heads up and share with others how we survive.
