Being a mother has been a dream of mine for many years. As time went on I wasn't sure it was going to happen. Loosing Riley definitely changed me, changed my perspective, and made me more cautious and aware of the reality of pregnancy and loss.
You can read back to one of my previous blogs in which I documented the entire pregnancy with Nehemiah. After Nehemiah, I thought the next time I would wait the 12 weeks in which miscarriage rates are less and share.
But, time passed and we had trouble getting pregnant. Some of it was stress....I can stress myself out very easily. Some of it was family or business situations that would prevent intimacy from when it was needed most. I worried more of it was my age and MTFHR. We visited the doctor a couple times. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. So far, they could not see anything wrong with why we were having trouble. This month I was suppose to go for another blood test, and if that came back positive it was Andrew's turn. I swore it was me. Something was wrong with me. I told Andrew we needed to adopt and I started to let the depression that has never completely left me swallow me whole.
Then, but an act of God...Andrew would agree...I didn't feel right one week. Ever since my periods returned after Riley I would spot leading up to them. This particular week I did not. This particular week my pants didn't fit. This particular week my boobs would not stay in my bra. And this particular week I was more tired then ever but had this odd sense of joy trying to push out my depression. So, like all the months before in which I was sure I was pregnant I took a test. But I took this test after work. And, like all the months before I sat there and yelled at God for not making me pregnant, although I knew this month it would be a miracle since I didn't let Andrew touch me much and the mood I was in, I couldn't blame him for not trying harder. And there it was...a faint line that I could see after I dug the test back out of the trash and shined it in the right lighting. "Ugh, Angie! Get a grip!" I thought to myself. So I tucked the test away and continued to let that joy push out the anger, push away some depression. Later that night I decided to tell Andrew what I did. Of course he was skeptical and didn't say much.
The next day, I ran to the drug store over lunch and took another test. I took a minute test this time because I was too anxious to wait 3 minutes. There was another line, slightly darker but still faint. I was excited! I was for sure that I was pregnant. Andrew looked at the test and showed a little excitement but still some caution.
Then, I waited the 48 hours and took a test at home with the morning urine as the instructions say is best. And there, in all its glory were 2 bright pink lines! Andrew was as excited as I was! There was no doubting or questioning the lines for this test!
I called my doctor's office and they confirmed my good fortune. In the past I had to go for blood work, but we are cash paying and this office said unless I wanted to drive to Nashville 2 days this week, they did not see any reason for it unless I started bleeding or cramping or really not feeling well.
So, I will wait, I will pray, and I believe this is the 3rd child that God has blessed us with. Will I carry this child to term and deliver a healthy baby like Nehemiah? I do not know. Will this pregnancy be easier and not result in pre-eclampsia? I do not know.
What I do know is that I am pregnant. I do know that we go in September for our first ultrasound and exam. I do know the reality of not finding a heartbeat at that visit. I do know the reality of hearing a nice, fast "pub-dub". I know that many women who have experienced a loss do not share early like we have. I know that many women who have not had a loss do not share so early like we have. But I do know that for me, I am excited, and I will blog and talk about this child no matter the outcome. I pray that God lets us bring this child home to raise, but I also pray that if it is not His will that He helps me continue to work for Him until the day I get to see my babies in Heaven.
So yes, I am only 5 weeks pregnant at this point. But what a blessed 5 weeks it has been! You can ask Andrew and he will tell you how this has helped bring me out of my pit of grief! Each month the test was negative and my period returned was like a loss of Riley all over again. I miss being pregnant because while I am pregnant I feel more connected to Riley than any other days of my life!
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you and for all your thoughts and prayers and well wishes!
