Do you ever attend a church service or an event in which the pastor/speaker shares a story or words of encouragement and think, "How did he know I was feeling that way? Is there a camera in my house?"
We are blessed to be part of an amazing church family in TN and our pastor uses his sermons to speak directly to me. I hope one of these days he can speak to someone else! :) Today's sermon was no different. And today, I faded in and out of listening because of all the thoughts that are filling my mind with "Poor Me". But there is HOPE! I keep forgetting about the hope. God doesn't disappoint. I know some may argue, and there was a time when I would have argued that if God doesn't disappoint, why isn't Riley here laughing and healthy and teaching Nehemiah? I believe he is not here because taking Riley home, to Heaven, was his plan all along. That plan led to us having a beautiful, healthy Nehemiah here now only because Riley is not. Nehemiah was my hope. And more often than not I loose sight of the hope because I am on my own time frame, not God's.
My husband is an amazing man. He is my superhero. Upon waking he has to put on his business owner and Dentist hat. He provides for his family and works hard to help pay his team. He does his best to help parents understand the oral health of their children. Then he comes home after a 10 hour day, most of the time with only 10 minutes to breathe in a sandwich without chewing for lunch. Then he has to put on his Dad and home owner hat. He helps clean the house, cook dinner, and care for our 14 month old son. After Nehemiah goes to bed he continues to go back to work checking emails and responding to messages he missed throughout the day. Before we know it, it is 10pm and he has to try to get some sleep. Somewhere along the day, because we work together, he puts on his husband hat and soothes me when I am anxious or annoyed. In all honestly, I am envious of the ease he makes his day appear to be. He is more patient, understanding, and relaxed than I have ever been. As much as I try, it is not in my nature and it is a constant battle for me.
This past year, we have done very well and are continuing to feed and nurture a growing business. We are blessed. But with this growth has come many challenges. I have put in many weekends trying to catch up, missing my husband and child time. I know that this is just temporary, but when I upset my husband because I am working on the weekend, I feel like more of a failure than I already do for missing my son so much during the week. In the midst of all this chaos and excitement and work, I realize that our marriage is not what it should be. We do not fight, but we do not listen to each other like we use to. We are still under 5 years of marriage and should be living more like newlyweds. As I realize how much we are not listening to each other and thinking about what we need to do to fix it before it really becomes a problem, more challenges arise.
We had closed the office for a Friday months in advance to enjoy one day together as a family. The Sunday of that week Nehemiah started running a high fever. Five days, one after hours visit, and one normal office doctor hour visit later we discovered that he had an ear infection. And, shortly into that week we also learned that my Uncle passed away. My superhero husband knew how much my uncle meant to me and insisted that we use that day to travel to the funeral. So we did. Another 2 weeks of no meals together, no date nights, and this life I keep telling myself is temporary.
Two days after we arrived home from the funeral we got a call that Andrew's step mom found his dad unresponsive and called an ambulance. He is now recovering at the hospital as they run more tests and try to find answers for his pain. His dad has suffers from Parkinson's disease and has for several years. He has been in severe abdominal pain the past few months without any definite diagnosis or anyway to stop the pain. He decided to overdose his pain medicine. My superhero husband has to add the son hat back on to go visit his dad more.
Now as we pray for healing, pray for answers, and visit him in the hospital I think more about where my life is and I don't like it. I want my old life back. But after today's sermon, what life is that? At any point in my life we have had struggles and trouble. At every point of my marriage the enemy has tried to destroy it. I believe that since the death of our child could not separate us, but only made us stronger, the enemy is trying to use the business and health of our parents to come between us again. So, I don't want my old life back. I want God in my life more. I want my husband more. I want to find the hope that I seem to have let go of and I want my husbands hand to help hold me along the way of this crazy, emotional, difficult, exciting time in our lives as we prepare for what lies ahead. I know I cannot do any of this alone, and it helps to have my earthly companion.
This is my life. I don't know why I get upset from it. I have many blessings. It is easy to get caught up in the problems and take the blessing for granted. My marriage, my husband, and my 2 sons being part of my blessings! If I can give anything to any of you reading this that are looking for guidance, my advice would be to pray. Pray for strength until you can feel the hope. Pray for patience as you go through the trials of life. This life is only temporary even though it may be many years long!
