October 2015
Here we are again, another October in which Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness will flood my mind, mouth, and Facebook page.
This October, I have 2 children I remember and honor.
This year, we will be using the words "I Break The Silence" on our t-shirts for our candlelight ceremony on October 15th. You may see things this month, or even other times, that say "I am 1 in 4". The statistic is that 1 in 4 women will have a pregnancy or infant loss.
This month, if you are someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss, or you know someone who has, please look into local events for October 15th. Sometimes, there are events on other days held by other Angel Moms or hospitals or other organizations.
If you know someone who has experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, and you want to do something for them, I will include a few organizations in which you can financially donate in memory of that child. Make sure you use the child's name if the parent/s did name the child. If they did not, you can let them know that you donated in memory of their baby. Please do not just say "Sorry for your loss" when you are doing a donation. Also, you could write the parent/s a letter, send them a message, mail them a card. In your writing, mention their child's name. When a parent has a child, that parent tries their best to protect their child. When a parent has a loss, those who are ready, protect their child's memory. We love to hear and see our boys' names! We just bought an ornament for Gabriel to hang on our tree. I learned that my neighbor who made Riley and Nehemiah's stockings will be making one for Gabriel. The times that I have read Riley's names on paper were so precious to me. I won't get to write it or see it as often as I will Nehemiah's so every little mention is blessing to me.
Also, you could send a letter or card to the grandparents, aunts/uncles, siblings of the lost baby/infant as well. Many parents I have spoken with after their loss ask me if it is normal to console their friends and family more than they are being consoled. It is normal. I think God gives us the peace when we need it so in those moments we can help be strength for our friends/family.
Organizations to donate to or ideas for gifts:
1. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - this wonderful organization sends photographers to the hospital, if the baby was at least 21 weeks in utero, to take photos at no charge.
2. Molly Bears - this beautiful gesture is a bear made with symbols to remember the child at the weight the child was when he/she was lost. There is a minimal fee to pay to be put on a list and you can only join the list on the 30th of each month. And, only the mother may sign up if I remember correctly. But they make and mail the bears off of donations after that. I am currently on the waiting list.
3. NICU Helping Hands Angel Gown Program - this fantastic organization turns wedding gowns into free gowns for photos and burial services for lost babies. They work off of financial donations as well as donations of wedding dresses and volunteer seamstresses (which they need more of, if I ready correctly).
4. Mail a copy of "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" to me and I will give it to my friend collecting them to give to local hospitals. Or mail a copy to a mom who has had a loss, even if the loss was 20 years ago. Put a note on the inside "In memory of .....". Or, take some to your local hospital.
5. Get on Etsy or shop for a candle with the child's name on it. Give it to the parent or grandparents to light at 7pm on October 15th, or whenever they want to.
6. Get on the website, october15th.com, go the the "Shop Our Store" tab and buy something for the parent/s.
7. Give a necklace or bracelet with the child's name on it.
There are lots of other organizations and groups you can donate to. You can always ask the parent/s too how they would like their child to be remembered.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
I did not miscarry
Many of you know that we had a 7 week pregnancy lost just last week. I spent that week awaiting test results to find out if the bleeding and cramping I was experiencing were in fact the baby passing or just a medical concern during a viable pregnancy. The results came in and my pregnancy hormone levels were drastically dropping. It was time to say goodbye. This happened just as quickly as we were learning to say hello.
I read an article somewhere on Facebook or Pinterest…that week was such a blur. It was by an OBGYN who said that he never tells a patient that she miscarried or that she was having a stillborn baby. He would tell his patients that they were having pregnancy losses and infant deaths. This physician said he learned throughout his years that mothers wanted the life they had lost acknowledged and if he worded it differently, they felt that their child was being honored for the life they had.
This was difficult for me. Riley would be an infant loss, but I want to raise awareness on stillbirth so badly that I do not think I will drop that term for awhile. I may start interchanging it. However, I do like the thought of saying I had a pregnancy loss rather than a miscarriage.
I did not miscarry our third child. It took me a long time to fight the enemy out of my head for what I did wrong with Riley. I will not let the enemy in by using a term that sounds like I did something wrong. I will not go into the dark months like I did with Riley. I had 7 months with Riley and only 7 weeks with this baby, whom I believe was a boy and we have named Gabriel. Each was a loss we experienced. Each loss gives me different feelings. But both losses were my children and I will honor them the best that I know how.
Only God knows why Gabriel needed to go home so early. I do wish I could have had more weeks with him, even if it was to say goodbye. I feel like I was cheated with Gabriel. I do not have ultrasounds. I never heard his heart beat. I never felt him kick. My belly had already begun stretching out and I am fighting to fit into clothes that fit 4 weeks ago.
I did not miscarry Gabriel. I took the vitamins and medicines required. I started paying more attention to what I was eating and what I was doing. Gabriel was not meant to live here with us. Riley is continuing to fulfill his big brother role. Now our Nehemiah is a big brother too. This is part of God's plan and our healing this time will be too.
I have a few ideas I am working on to help honor our children that our gone too soon, especially through pregnancy losses, both early and full term. I will use the anger of the pain from my own losses and the anger I get when I hear of other mother's having losses to give life to my ideas.
Some women may say that the have had a miscarriage, but for me, I had a pregnancy loss. Actually, I have had 2. I had one at 37 weeks and another at 7 weeks. And, the reality is, this may not be the end of our losses. If our loss story/journey continue, I will continue to praise God and fight the enemy and it is only by others praying for us that we gain more strength to live with our heads up and share with others how we survive.
I read an article somewhere on Facebook or Pinterest…that week was such a blur. It was by an OBGYN who said that he never tells a patient that she miscarried or that she was having a stillborn baby. He would tell his patients that they were having pregnancy losses and infant deaths. This physician said he learned throughout his years that mothers wanted the life they had lost acknowledged and if he worded it differently, they felt that their child was being honored for the life they had.
This was difficult for me. Riley would be an infant loss, but I want to raise awareness on stillbirth so badly that I do not think I will drop that term for awhile. I may start interchanging it. However, I do like the thought of saying I had a pregnancy loss rather than a miscarriage.
I did not miscarry our third child. It took me a long time to fight the enemy out of my head for what I did wrong with Riley. I will not let the enemy in by using a term that sounds like I did something wrong. I will not go into the dark months like I did with Riley. I had 7 months with Riley and only 7 weeks with this baby, whom I believe was a boy and we have named Gabriel. Each was a loss we experienced. Each loss gives me different feelings. But both losses were my children and I will honor them the best that I know how.
Only God knows why Gabriel needed to go home so early. I do wish I could have had more weeks with him, even if it was to say goodbye. I feel like I was cheated with Gabriel. I do not have ultrasounds. I never heard his heart beat. I never felt him kick. My belly had already begun stretching out and I am fighting to fit into clothes that fit 4 weeks ago.
I did not miscarry Gabriel. I took the vitamins and medicines required. I started paying more attention to what I was eating and what I was doing. Gabriel was not meant to live here with us. Riley is continuing to fulfill his big brother role. Now our Nehemiah is a big brother too. This is part of God's plan and our healing this time will be too.
I have a few ideas I am working on to help honor our children that our gone too soon, especially through pregnancy losses, both early and full term. I will use the anger of the pain from my own losses and the anger I get when I hear of other mother's having losses to give life to my ideas.
Some women may say that the have had a miscarriage, but for me, I had a pregnancy loss. Actually, I have had 2. I had one at 37 weeks and another at 7 weeks. And, the reality is, this may not be the end of our losses. If our loss story/journey continue, I will continue to praise God and fight the enemy and it is only by others praying for us that we gain more strength to live with our heads up and share with others how we survive.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Baby #3....did we announce too early?
Many of you may have been shocked by our announcement, especially when you found out I am only 5 weeks pregnant. I would like to share my thoughts on our announcement.
Being a mother has been a dream of mine for many years. As time went on I wasn't sure it was going to happen. Loosing Riley definitely changed me, changed my perspective, and made me more cautious and aware of the reality of pregnancy and loss.
You can read back to one of my previous blogs in which I documented the entire pregnancy with Nehemiah. After Nehemiah, I thought the next time I would wait the 12 weeks in which miscarriage rates are less and share.
But, time passed and we had trouble getting pregnant. Some of it was stress....I can stress myself out very easily. Some of it was family or business situations that would prevent intimacy from when it was needed most. I worried more of it was my age and MTFHR. We visited the doctor a couple times. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. So far, they could not see anything wrong with why we were having trouble. This month I was suppose to go for another blood test, and if that came back positive it was Andrew's turn. I swore it was me. Something was wrong with me. I told Andrew we needed to adopt and I started to let the depression that has never completely left me swallow me whole.
Then, but an act of God...Andrew would agree...I didn't feel right one week. Ever since my periods returned after Riley I would spot leading up to them. This particular week I did not. This particular week my pants didn't fit. This particular week my boobs would not stay in my bra. And this particular week I was more tired then ever but had this odd sense of joy trying to push out my depression. So, like all the months before in which I was sure I was pregnant I took a test. But I took this test after work. And, like all the months before I sat there and yelled at God for not making me pregnant, although I knew this month it would be a miracle since I didn't let Andrew touch me much and the mood I was in, I couldn't blame him for not trying harder. And there it was...a faint line that I could see after I dug the test back out of the trash and shined it in the right lighting. "Ugh, Angie! Get a grip!" I thought to myself. So I tucked the test away and continued to let that joy push out the anger, push away some depression. Later that night I decided to tell Andrew what I did. Of course he was skeptical and didn't say much.
The next day, I ran to the drug store over lunch and took another test. I took a minute test this time because I was too anxious to wait 3 minutes. There was another line, slightly darker but still faint. I was excited! I was for sure that I was pregnant. Andrew looked at the test and showed a little excitement but still some caution.
Then, I waited the 48 hours and took a test at home with the morning urine as the instructions say is best. And there, in all its glory were 2 bright pink lines! Andrew was as excited as I was! There was no doubting or questioning the lines for this test!
I called my doctor's office and they confirmed my good fortune. In the past I had to go for blood work, but we are cash paying and this office said unless I wanted to drive to Nashville 2 days this week, they did not see any reason for it unless I started bleeding or cramping or really not feeling well.
So, I will wait, I will pray, and I believe this is the 3rd child that God has blessed us with. Will I carry this child to term and deliver a healthy baby like Nehemiah? I do not know. Will this pregnancy be easier and not result in pre-eclampsia? I do not know.
What I do know is that I am pregnant. I do know that we go in September for our first ultrasound and exam. I do know the reality of not finding a heartbeat at that visit. I do know the reality of hearing a nice, fast "pub-dub". I know that many women who have experienced a loss do not share early like we have. I know that many women who have not had a loss do not share so early like we have. But I do know that for me, I am excited, and I will blog and talk about this child no matter the outcome. I pray that God lets us bring this child home to raise, but I also pray that if it is not His will that He helps me continue to work for Him until the day I get to see my babies in Heaven.
So yes, I am only 5 weeks pregnant at this point. But what a blessed 5 weeks it has been! You can ask Andrew and he will tell you how this has helped bring me out of my pit of grief! Each month the test was negative and my period returned was like a loss of Riley all over again. I miss being pregnant because while I am pregnant I feel more connected to Riley than any other days of my life!
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you and for all your thoughts and prayers and well wishes!
Being a mother has been a dream of mine for many years. As time went on I wasn't sure it was going to happen. Loosing Riley definitely changed me, changed my perspective, and made me more cautious and aware of the reality of pregnancy and loss.
You can read back to one of my previous blogs in which I documented the entire pregnancy with Nehemiah. After Nehemiah, I thought the next time I would wait the 12 weeks in which miscarriage rates are less and share.
But, time passed and we had trouble getting pregnant. Some of it was stress....I can stress myself out very easily. Some of it was family or business situations that would prevent intimacy from when it was needed most. I worried more of it was my age and MTFHR. We visited the doctor a couple times. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. So far, they could not see anything wrong with why we were having trouble. This month I was suppose to go for another blood test, and if that came back positive it was Andrew's turn. I swore it was me. Something was wrong with me. I told Andrew we needed to adopt and I started to let the depression that has never completely left me swallow me whole.
Then, but an act of God...Andrew would agree...I didn't feel right one week. Ever since my periods returned after Riley I would spot leading up to them. This particular week I did not. This particular week my pants didn't fit. This particular week my boobs would not stay in my bra. And this particular week I was more tired then ever but had this odd sense of joy trying to push out my depression. So, like all the months before in which I was sure I was pregnant I took a test. But I took this test after work. And, like all the months before I sat there and yelled at God for not making me pregnant, although I knew this month it would be a miracle since I didn't let Andrew touch me much and the mood I was in, I couldn't blame him for not trying harder. And there it was...a faint line that I could see after I dug the test back out of the trash and shined it in the right lighting. "Ugh, Angie! Get a grip!" I thought to myself. So I tucked the test away and continued to let that joy push out the anger, push away some depression. Later that night I decided to tell Andrew what I did. Of course he was skeptical and didn't say much.
The next day, I ran to the drug store over lunch and took another test. I took a minute test this time because I was too anxious to wait 3 minutes. There was another line, slightly darker but still faint. I was excited! I was for sure that I was pregnant. Andrew looked at the test and showed a little excitement but still some caution.
Then, I waited the 48 hours and took a test at home with the morning urine as the instructions say is best. And there, in all its glory were 2 bright pink lines! Andrew was as excited as I was! There was no doubting or questioning the lines for this test!
I called my doctor's office and they confirmed my good fortune. In the past I had to go for blood work, but we are cash paying and this office said unless I wanted to drive to Nashville 2 days this week, they did not see any reason for it unless I started bleeding or cramping or really not feeling well.
So, I will wait, I will pray, and I believe this is the 3rd child that God has blessed us with. Will I carry this child to term and deliver a healthy baby like Nehemiah? I do not know. Will this pregnancy be easier and not result in pre-eclampsia? I do not know.
What I do know is that I am pregnant. I do know that we go in September for our first ultrasound and exam. I do know the reality of not finding a heartbeat at that visit. I do know the reality of hearing a nice, fast "pub-dub". I know that many women who have experienced a loss do not share early like we have. I know that many women who have not had a loss do not share so early like we have. But I do know that for me, I am excited, and I will blog and talk about this child no matter the outcome. I pray that God lets us bring this child home to raise, but I also pray that if it is not His will that He helps me continue to work for Him until the day I get to see my babies in Heaven.
So yes, I am only 5 weeks pregnant at this point. But what a blessed 5 weeks it has been! You can ask Andrew and he will tell you how this has helped bring me out of my pit of grief! Each month the test was negative and my period returned was like a loss of Riley all over again. I miss being pregnant because while I am pregnant I feel more connected to Riley than any other days of my life!
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you and for all your thoughts and prayers and well wishes!
Sunday, March 22, 2015
I Want My Old Life Back, Or Do I?
Do you ever attend a church service or an event in which the pastor/speaker shares a story or words of encouragement and think, "How did he know I was feeling that way? Is there a camera in my house?"
We are blessed to be part of an amazing church family in TN and our pastor uses his sermons to speak directly to me. I hope one of these days he can speak to someone else! :) Today's sermon was no different. And today, I faded in and out of listening because of all the thoughts that are filling my mind with "Poor Me". But there is HOPE! I keep forgetting about the hope. God doesn't disappoint. I know some may argue, and there was a time when I would have argued that if God doesn't disappoint, why isn't Riley here laughing and healthy and teaching Nehemiah? I believe he is not here because taking Riley home, to Heaven, was his plan all along. That plan led to us having a beautiful, healthy Nehemiah here now only because Riley is not. Nehemiah was my hope. And more often than not I loose sight of the hope because I am on my own time frame, not God's.
My husband is an amazing man. He is my superhero. Upon waking he has to put on his business owner and Dentist hat. He provides for his family and works hard to help pay his team. He does his best to help parents understand the oral health of their children. Then he comes home after a 10 hour day, most of the time with only 10 minutes to breathe in a sandwich without chewing for lunch. Then he has to put on his Dad and home owner hat. He helps clean the house, cook dinner, and care for our 14 month old son. After Nehemiah goes to bed he continues to go back to work checking emails and responding to messages he missed throughout the day. Before we know it, it is 10pm and he has to try to get some sleep. Somewhere along the day, because we work together, he puts on his husband hat and soothes me when I am anxious or annoyed. In all honestly, I am envious of the ease he makes his day appear to be. He is more patient, understanding, and relaxed than I have ever been. As much as I try, it is not in my nature and it is a constant battle for me.
This past year, we have done very well and are continuing to feed and nurture a growing business. We are blessed. But with this growth has come many challenges. I have put in many weekends trying to catch up, missing my husband and child time. I know that this is just temporary, but when I upset my husband because I am working on the weekend, I feel like more of a failure than I already do for missing my son so much during the week. In the midst of all this chaos and excitement and work, I realize that our marriage is not what it should be. We do not fight, but we do not listen to each other like we use to. We are still under 5 years of marriage and should be living more like newlyweds. As I realize how much we are not listening to each other and thinking about what we need to do to fix it before it really becomes a problem, more challenges arise.
We had closed the office for a Friday months in advance to enjoy one day together as a family. The Sunday of that week Nehemiah started running a high fever. Five days, one after hours visit, and one normal office doctor hour visit later we discovered that he had an ear infection. And, shortly into that week we also learned that my Uncle passed away. My superhero husband knew how much my uncle meant to me and insisted that we use that day to travel to the funeral. So we did. Another 2 weeks of no meals together, no date nights, and this life I keep telling myself is temporary.
Two days after we arrived home from the funeral we got a call that Andrew's step mom found his dad unresponsive and called an ambulance. He is now recovering at the hospital as they run more tests and try to find answers for his pain. His dad has suffers from Parkinson's disease and has for several years. He has been in severe abdominal pain the past few months without any definite diagnosis or anyway to stop the pain. He decided to overdose his pain medicine. My superhero husband has to add the son hat back on to go visit his dad more.
Now as we pray for healing, pray for answers, and visit him in the hospital I think more about where my life is and I don't like it. I want my old life back. But after today's sermon, what life is that? At any point in my life we have had struggles and trouble. At every point of my marriage the enemy has tried to destroy it. I believe that since the death of our child could not separate us, but only made us stronger, the enemy is trying to use the business and health of our parents to come between us again. So, I don't want my old life back. I want God in my life more. I want my husband more. I want to find the hope that I seem to have let go of and I want my husbands hand to help hold me along the way of this crazy, emotional, difficult, exciting time in our lives as we prepare for what lies ahead. I know I cannot do any of this alone, and it helps to have my earthly companion.
This is my life. I don't know why I get upset from it. I have many blessings. It is easy to get caught up in the problems and take the blessing for granted. My marriage, my husband, and my 2 sons being part of my blessings! If I can give anything to any of you reading this that are looking for guidance, my advice would be to pray. Pray for strength until you can feel the hope. Pray for patience as you go through the trials of life. This life is only temporary even though it may be many years long!
We are blessed to be part of an amazing church family in TN and our pastor uses his sermons to speak directly to me. I hope one of these days he can speak to someone else! :) Today's sermon was no different. And today, I faded in and out of listening because of all the thoughts that are filling my mind with "Poor Me". But there is HOPE! I keep forgetting about the hope. God doesn't disappoint. I know some may argue, and there was a time when I would have argued that if God doesn't disappoint, why isn't Riley here laughing and healthy and teaching Nehemiah? I believe he is not here because taking Riley home, to Heaven, was his plan all along. That plan led to us having a beautiful, healthy Nehemiah here now only because Riley is not. Nehemiah was my hope. And more often than not I loose sight of the hope because I am on my own time frame, not God's.
My husband is an amazing man. He is my superhero. Upon waking he has to put on his business owner and Dentist hat. He provides for his family and works hard to help pay his team. He does his best to help parents understand the oral health of their children. Then he comes home after a 10 hour day, most of the time with only 10 minutes to breathe in a sandwich without chewing for lunch. Then he has to put on his Dad and home owner hat. He helps clean the house, cook dinner, and care for our 14 month old son. After Nehemiah goes to bed he continues to go back to work checking emails and responding to messages he missed throughout the day. Before we know it, it is 10pm and he has to try to get some sleep. Somewhere along the day, because we work together, he puts on his husband hat and soothes me when I am anxious or annoyed. In all honestly, I am envious of the ease he makes his day appear to be. He is more patient, understanding, and relaxed than I have ever been. As much as I try, it is not in my nature and it is a constant battle for me.
This past year, we have done very well and are continuing to feed and nurture a growing business. We are blessed. But with this growth has come many challenges. I have put in many weekends trying to catch up, missing my husband and child time. I know that this is just temporary, but when I upset my husband because I am working on the weekend, I feel like more of a failure than I already do for missing my son so much during the week. In the midst of all this chaos and excitement and work, I realize that our marriage is not what it should be. We do not fight, but we do not listen to each other like we use to. We are still under 5 years of marriage and should be living more like newlyweds. As I realize how much we are not listening to each other and thinking about what we need to do to fix it before it really becomes a problem, more challenges arise.
We had closed the office for a Friday months in advance to enjoy one day together as a family. The Sunday of that week Nehemiah started running a high fever. Five days, one after hours visit, and one normal office doctor hour visit later we discovered that he had an ear infection. And, shortly into that week we also learned that my Uncle passed away. My superhero husband knew how much my uncle meant to me and insisted that we use that day to travel to the funeral. So we did. Another 2 weeks of no meals together, no date nights, and this life I keep telling myself is temporary.
Two days after we arrived home from the funeral we got a call that Andrew's step mom found his dad unresponsive and called an ambulance. He is now recovering at the hospital as they run more tests and try to find answers for his pain. His dad has suffers from Parkinson's disease and has for several years. He has been in severe abdominal pain the past few months without any definite diagnosis or anyway to stop the pain. He decided to overdose his pain medicine. My superhero husband has to add the son hat back on to go visit his dad more.
Now as we pray for healing, pray for answers, and visit him in the hospital I think more about where my life is and I don't like it. I want my old life back. But after today's sermon, what life is that? At any point in my life we have had struggles and trouble. At every point of my marriage the enemy has tried to destroy it. I believe that since the death of our child could not separate us, but only made us stronger, the enemy is trying to use the business and health of our parents to come between us again. So, I don't want my old life back. I want God in my life more. I want my husband more. I want to find the hope that I seem to have let go of and I want my husbands hand to help hold me along the way of this crazy, emotional, difficult, exciting time in our lives as we prepare for what lies ahead. I know I cannot do any of this alone, and it helps to have my earthly companion.
This is my life. I don't know why I get upset from it. I have many blessings. It is easy to get caught up in the problems and take the blessing for granted. My marriage, my husband, and my 2 sons being part of my blessings! If I can give anything to any of you reading this that are looking for guidance, my advice would be to pray. Pray for strength until you can feel the hope. Pray for patience as you go through the trials of life. This life is only temporary even though it may be many years long!
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Scars
Tonight, as I was bathing Nehemiah, I noticed a trickle of water running down his chest. This was no ordinary trickle of water. This trickle of water was enough to make me forget to breath. This trickle of water was enough to make my heart stop for a beat. For just a brief moment this trickle of water looked like scar tissue. For that brief moment our second born son appeared to have a scar on his chest that we anticipated our first son would have. For a brief moment I let myself pretend that Riley was in the bathtub. I could imagine that Riley, who would be turning 2 in just 12 days was alive and well. I could imagine that his scar was healing well from his heart surgery. I wanted to reach out and hold Riley.
But, that moment quickly faded into reality. The reality that our healthy son, Nehemiah was the son actually in the tub. The reality that our second son, who will be 1 tomorrow was sitting and smiling at me. The reality that if Riley was the son in the tub, Nehemiah would not be in the tub. The reality that Nehemiah may not have even been born yet if Riley were here.
Guilt. Pain. Numbness. Anxiety. Depression. Heartache. Fear. Love. Joy.
The feelings that I felt when we lost Riley that have become my scar tissue. Those feelings began to surface and reopen my wound in that moment. "I'm sorry, there is not a heartbeat." went along with the trickle of water moment. How can so much feeling exist in one tiny moment? Why does so much feeling and emotion come with one brief moment, but last a lifetime beyond? Why does that feeling and emotion hit a person at the most unexpected moments, but when the same person wants to set aside time to feel that emotion, the tears won't come? Those moments that add scars to our hearts.
There are days when something will catch my eye or take my breath away and I will be a sobbing mess. Most of the time anymore, sad moments, or moments that I remember Riley only stop my breath for a moment. I can feel my eyes wanting to flood with tears, however, my ducts are dry. I cried so much the first few months after loosing Riley that my eyes were dry for most of the year that followed. Then, when I gave birth to Nehemiah, the tears started flowing again. My scar had been reopened. Now, as we approach Nehemiah turning a year old, the ducts are dry. I still feel that I want to cry, but I mostly feel a sharp tug on my heart. I have more moments in which it is difficult to breathe. I have moments I can feel my scars, the ones that have healed, and the ones that will never heal properly.
I have read articles about how the human heart can be physically affected when a person experiences heartache. I have had my heart broken throughout the years, but most of those scars have mended. The heartache from the loss of Riley was deeper than any heartache I have ever experienced. That scar will never heal. There is not enough time that could pass. My scar will only heal when I get to see and hold Riley again.
I thank God everyday for Nehemiah. I can and will miss Riley, but I would not change anything to have him here. Nehemiah is suppose to be here. I have said that I never want to think about how old Riley should be or what he should be doing. But I know the truth is that I will. In one brief moment tonight, I did.
Tomorrow, we celebrate Nehemiah's birthday. It is hard to believe a year ago I was staring at a picture of Riley and holding onto his prayer beads as I pushed through labor to bring Nehemiah into this world. A year ago tomorrow I was sobbing for joy at the sound of a breathing son and mourning the loss of Riley all over again. Tomorrow I will celebrate Nehemiah, but my Riley scar will break open. Tomorrow I will smile and laugh, but I will be crying inside. Tomorrow makes the day that God gave us a son to be a little brother to Riley and a day that I will never forget.
I miss being pregnant. In an odd way, being pregnant was my strongest connection to Riley. I have felt him here and there this past year. but nothing like when I was pregnant. I miss that feeling. We talk about Riley daily with Nehemiah. We tell him good morning and good night. My hope and prayer is that as Nehemiah gets older and we talk about his big brother more, it will massage my scar and allow me to feel Riley with me again.
But, that moment quickly faded into reality. The reality that our healthy son, Nehemiah was the son actually in the tub. The reality that our second son, who will be 1 tomorrow was sitting and smiling at me. The reality that if Riley was the son in the tub, Nehemiah would not be in the tub. The reality that Nehemiah may not have even been born yet if Riley were here.
Guilt. Pain. Numbness. Anxiety. Depression. Heartache. Fear. Love. Joy.
The feelings that I felt when we lost Riley that have become my scar tissue. Those feelings began to surface and reopen my wound in that moment. "I'm sorry, there is not a heartbeat." went along with the trickle of water moment. How can so much feeling exist in one tiny moment? Why does so much feeling and emotion come with one brief moment, but last a lifetime beyond? Why does that feeling and emotion hit a person at the most unexpected moments, but when the same person wants to set aside time to feel that emotion, the tears won't come? Those moments that add scars to our hearts.
There are days when something will catch my eye or take my breath away and I will be a sobbing mess. Most of the time anymore, sad moments, or moments that I remember Riley only stop my breath for a moment. I can feel my eyes wanting to flood with tears, however, my ducts are dry. I cried so much the first few months after loosing Riley that my eyes were dry for most of the year that followed. Then, when I gave birth to Nehemiah, the tears started flowing again. My scar had been reopened. Now, as we approach Nehemiah turning a year old, the ducts are dry. I still feel that I want to cry, but I mostly feel a sharp tug on my heart. I have more moments in which it is difficult to breathe. I have moments I can feel my scars, the ones that have healed, and the ones that will never heal properly.
I have read articles about how the human heart can be physically affected when a person experiences heartache. I have had my heart broken throughout the years, but most of those scars have mended. The heartache from the loss of Riley was deeper than any heartache I have ever experienced. That scar will never heal. There is not enough time that could pass. My scar will only heal when I get to see and hold Riley again.
I thank God everyday for Nehemiah. I can and will miss Riley, but I would not change anything to have him here. Nehemiah is suppose to be here. I have said that I never want to think about how old Riley should be or what he should be doing. But I know the truth is that I will. In one brief moment tonight, I did.
Tomorrow, we celebrate Nehemiah's birthday. It is hard to believe a year ago I was staring at a picture of Riley and holding onto his prayer beads as I pushed through labor to bring Nehemiah into this world. A year ago tomorrow I was sobbing for joy at the sound of a breathing son and mourning the loss of Riley all over again. Tomorrow I will celebrate Nehemiah, but my Riley scar will break open. Tomorrow I will smile and laugh, but I will be crying inside. Tomorrow makes the day that God gave us a son to be a little brother to Riley and a day that I will never forget.
I miss being pregnant. In an odd way, being pregnant was my strongest connection to Riley. I have felt him here and there this past year. but nothing like when I was pregnant. I miss that feeling. We talk about Riley daily with Nehemiah. We tell him good morning and good night. My hope and prayer is that as Nehemiah gets older and we talk about his big brother more, it will massage my scar and allow me to feel Riley with me again.
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