Today marks one year since I gave birth to our sweet son, Riley, who was born into Heaven. We learned the day before that his heart had stopped and I would be induced to deliver his body into this world, only to have a short time to hold him and say goodbye.
Time has moved so fast the past couple years. It seems like only yesterday I was telling Andrew that we were pregnant with Riley. Yesterday, we welcomed his body into our arms only to lay him to rest. Yesterday, I learned we were pregnant with our second child. Yesterday, we gave birth to our second child, a son, Nehemiah, whom came into the world with his body so warm and alive it brought all the emotions I have held below the surface to the top again. Today, it has been 11 days since we welcomed Nehemiah into the world, 365 days that we welcomed Riley into the world. And who knows what tomorrow's yesterday will bring in the years to come.
My doctor, as well as Nehemiah's doctor, has advised that we limit visitors and outings due to the recent flu pandemic and RSV outbreak. I am 100% in agreement with this. We have informed family and a few friends that they must have had the flu vaccine to see Nehemiah and the Tdap to spend time with him. I have also selfishly not wanted to have people over as the time neared Riley's Angelversary. As I think about what I was doing a year ago, and think about how I did not hold my son as much as I should have, and how I have memories from that day that fill me with regret. Andrew and I discussed how we would do things differently with Nehemiah's birth. I wanted time to bond with our son, at home, alone. Of course I want Andrew to be with us, but I have not wanted to share our son with outsiders yet. Yes, I am the mother of 2 children which typically means that we are more lenient with the second child. However, I did not get to bring my first son home, so in many ways, this is like a first child experience for us. I am enjoying every moment I can hold Nehemiah. I love every move he makes. I love feeling his chest rise and seeing color in his face. As much as my hormones and lack of sleep cause me to tear every time he cries...I love hearing him cry. Right now as I type, it is hard for me to not be holding him. He is in his swing sleeping with the most beautiful smile on his face, and that brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy for the blessing God has given us. Tears of sadness for missing this opportunity with Riley.
I have been filled with a mess of emotions since the birth of Nehemiah as this day approached. I have expressed to Andrew the times I broke down during the day thinking about Riley and remembering his sweet soul. We have been blessed with 2 beautiful boys, but only one that gets to live with us on earth. A son that we will teach all about his big brother Riley. One that I will be super protective of, especially the next couple months. One that I will not want to share in other's arms until I feel like I have held him enough.
I am grateful for all our friends and family that have cried with us, stood beside us, supported us, prayed for us during our short time with Riley and the preparation for Nehemiah. I do feel a little guilty that I am not openly welcoming visitors and showing him off. However, I am going to cherish every moment I can with this son so I do not live with the same regret that I do with Riley. I am going to hold this son more because I did not get to hold Riley long enough. I am going to pray harder for the enemy's words to leave my mind just as quickly as they enter because he knows that anything harmful happening to this son is my weakness right now. I do not even keep my phone with me or check emails and facebook like I did before, for fear that I may miss a memory with Nehemiah.
Today, as I remember birthing and holding Riley a year ago, I will remember him as I hold Nehemiah. We will celebrate and remember Riley with a cake I am baking. We will celebrate and remember Riley as father, mother, and brother in the privacy of our own home. And I will shed tears of happiness, sadness, heartache, love, blessings, and thankfulness.
We chose Riley's name because we met on a blind date because of the help of a mutual friend and Riley's Hospital for Children. We chose Nehemiah's name because it means comforted by God. And his middle name Caleb because it means whole heart. Our son, Nehemiah, has a full, healthy heart. And, because of Nehemiah, the walls of our family that were once torn down by heartache and grief, have now been built again with love and memories.
Thank you God for favoring me with a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful boys! Thank you for allowing me this time to bond with my son alone and strengthen my heart again!
