I do not know where to even begin. I cannot believe it has almost been 1 year since we learned our Riley had passed and I labored his body into the world to hold it for only a short amount of time saying our goodbyes and thanking God throughout our heartache. We had Riley cremated and his beautiful urn sits on our mantel. I am looking up at it as I type this post.
A few months later God blessed us with another pregnancy. Another son. And now, as I am approaching my 37th week, which was when Riley's heart had stopped, we are preparing for an induction to help bring our sweet, second son into the world.
People ask all the time if we are ready and packed. Well, first, you are never 'really' ready. But for us, we have been ready with nurseries and clothes, and packed hospital bags for 2 years. I did unpack and take down the nursery for awhile, but during the holidays we set the nursery back up. And, due to the possibility of pre-term labor, our hospital bags have been packed for awhile. Now I think I am over packed because I have had 2 years to continually pack and plan. 2 years to google, to ask, to search Pinterest for ideas.
The past couple weeks have been the most emotional for me. Memories of February 1st have flooded my brain. The sights, sounds, and smells of that day are all too familiar, especially when we were there for our 24 hour monitoring a couple weeks ago. I would not change any of it, it just stirs up a mix of joy, of sadness, of hurt, and of healing.
The constant thought in my head is if God is with me, who can be against me. And, no matter what happens as I am induced tomorrow, I am grateful for the time God gave me to feel our precious Riley grow inside of me. I am grateful for the time that I have felt this son.
And, God has been with me through it all. He never leaves us. He has really been speaking to me, preparing me for tomorrow through my devotionals this week. I would like to share and highlight a few thoughts out of the devotions with you.
Last Monday, the devotional focused on viewing each day as an adventure. It told me not to program the day to my will, but be attentive to God and what he has prepared for me. To thank him for the day and treat it as a gift.
Tuesday, my devotional told me not to focus on my emptiness, but to let him fill me with His peace. To rejoice in that He completely understands me. He understands our struggles and weaknesses.
Wednesday, my devotional reminded me of the peace he gives us that transcends all understanding. It talked about how if I gaze at my problems I will sink under the weight of my burdens. He reminds us to call out "Help me, Jesus!" to lift us up. He is with us helping face the trials of the day.
Thursday really hit home. It talked about how we try to think our way through trials, however we are only meant to experience them when they occur. If we think them out in our mind, we relive them over and over. We need to trust Him and live them once. Relax and live in peace!
Friday's devotional told me not to worry about tomorrow. We need to anticipate blessings and accept difficulties. Miracles can be weaved into the most mundane day if we keep our focus on Him!
Saturday's devotional talked about how He leads us along the high road, but there are descents. We are not to try to take shortcuts, but follow Him closely and let Him lead the path for us.
Sunday's devotional encouraged me to to let Him displace worry at the center of my being. To let Him shower me in peace.
Finally, today's devotional said "Approach this day with awareness of who is boss". He is the one that orchestrates the events of our life. When we have days that things go smoothly, we tend to forget He is around and He gets lost in the background. When things go roughly, we beckon Him and ask where He had been. He is there the whole time. We need to remember to thank him in the good times and in the bad. To not try to figure out why things are going the way they are, but to trust they are His plan, even if it is difficult to swallow sometimes. We need to trust Him and thank Him in advance for the good that will come out of it all.
If Riley were here today, we would not be getting ready to welcome another son into the world tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I would give just about anything to have Riley here with us today, but that is not our Father's plan and I accept that. I look forward to how I can serve Him in my life on earth and raise our children to know Riley and the favors from God we have witnessed in our time with and without Riley on this earth.
And, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't mention that I am a little nervous/scared about tomorrow. I am praying for a healthy, easy delivery like I had with Riley, but that may not be God's plan.
Lord, thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for the hard times and the good times. Thank you for my family and friends, and those who I have yet to meet. Thank you for the blessing of good news with our dog today. Thank you for giving me peace today as I remember laboring Riley a year ago and fight the nerves and fears off as I try not to think about tomorrow. Help me remember that you already have tomorrow mapped out, and I only need to live it once. Thank you for all those you have praying for us and bless them in their lives Lord.
And, as you know, I have come to meet many women who have shared their stories of child loss as well as current pregnancy scares/complications. Please give those women the peace they need and encouraging words to know that we are only strong because of you. Lord you give me the strength I need and I pray that you help give them strength as well.
