As the holidays approach, I think more and more about what we did for the holidays last year, as well as how Andrew and I decided to stay home for the holidays this year. When we were first married, we talked about staying home on Thanksgiving and Christmas when we had children, to form our own family traditions. We decided we would travel to visit family before or after the holidays. Two things changed those thoughts and discussions a little.
First, we opened a pediatric dental practice. With pediatric patients, we are the busiest when the kids are not in school....holiday breaks, summer breaks, spring and fall breaks. Therefore, having hours of availability became important for us for our patients, limiting the times we can travel to visit family.
Second, we had our first child, our son Riley. Even though Riley does not live with us on Earth, he was still our first child and we decided to start our family traditions this year as we had planned. For Christmas this year we are having a stocking made for Riley. Every year we will put a contribution in the stocking for a charity in memory of Riley. When our other children are old enough, they will help decide what organization will receive that check. We are also going to purchase a gift for a child off the Angel Tree in town in memory of Riley. Our first contribution in memory of Riley this Christmas season was putting an Operation Christmas Child box together with things we would have given Riley.
Last year, especially after Thanksgiving, my ankles, fingers, and face were swollen. I was miserable and uncomfortable. I usually didn't mention it because I was blessed to be carrying Riley and we were planning his surgery and planning for him to come home. We were walking beside our friends who were also pregnant, but planning to say goodbye before their son would even be born. Complaining about how I felt didn't feel right. By Christmas Eve, my blood pressure was high and I didn't want to move off the couch. I went to Christmas Eve Service and sat most of the time, uncomfortable with my feet propped on my grandmother-in-law's walker. After we lost Riley, when the enemy spoke deep into my thoughts, he told me how I should not have done things I did with my blood pressure high. Even though I know that is not what caused Riley's death, I still cannot help but think about what I can do to be a better mom to this son.
Therefore, when I am uncomfortable, I am staying home! I have already put myself on modified bed rest, which I do believe is some of what has helped keep my swelling and blood pressure down this time. Even if that is not the reason, it helps ease my mind at the moment. I have experience more Braxton Hicks this time and do not want to push my limits. I know I am being selfish, and that if the doctors are telling me so far everything looks good, than I probably do not need to be as cautious as I am. But, if the doctors can follow their protocol and follow me more closely due to our history, even though everything looks great, than I can also start my own protocol and be more cautious of what I do.
I do feel a little out of place complaining about how I feel and how uncomfortable I am. I know that many of us who have experienced a loss or have had an unpleasant pregnancy get irritated when we hear how easy another has had it. We also do not like to hear of someone just feeling the "normal" uncomfortable parts of pregnancy when they have never felt the uncomfortable pregnancy loss. However, I will never have a normal pregnancy, and every uncomfortable feeling to me is a thought to worry. And when I worry I remember that God has this pregnancy and does not want me to worry, so then I have moments of peace. But soon, I worry again and the cycle continues. Some days it is easier to let go and others it is easier to take it back. I am not perfect, but I am grateful for every one's thoughts and prayers, and for our Pastor Andy's sermons. I remember one recently in which he talked about getting overwhelmed. After that sermon I was more at peace and relaxed than I had been in awhile, unfortunately, it only lasted about 2 weeks. I pray often for peace and I receive God's favor when I ask to feel our baby boy kick, and then he moves or kicks. I can also feel God smiling on me as he knows that I will ask again all too soon as I am still the learning, silly child of his who is blessed to be chosen to carry one of his children that he chose for us to be earthly parents to.
In my "Jesus Calling" devotional, today's devotional read, "To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds. How precious are My children who remember to thank Me at all times. They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the Light of My Presence is still shining on them. Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast Companion."
I am reminded how thankful I am for Riley, and how I would do it all over again even if I knew the outcome. I am thankful to be pregnant with this son, and I am thankful for all the aches, pains, weight gain, and swelling that may come with it. I know that God has this, and He knows I will probably still worry because our loss of Riley does make me a little timid. He knows that I will seek Him everyday and every step of this pregnancy and beyond. I am thankful that He is a forgiving God and that He loves me despite all my faults and worries.
So yes, if you were wondering, this year I am going to be a little selfish and stay home for the holidays to ease my mind and make myself feel a little more comfortable and a little more like a better mother because that is all I know as a mother. However, I am open to visitors over the holidays! I am just not going to sit in a car, travel, stand, and not have access to my own bed, maternity pillow, and private bathroom. And I am thankful that God gave me Andrew as my mate and he supports my selfish need at this time and helps take such great care of me! I am also grateful that Andrew is my best friend, my prayer warrior and helps me stay more positive about the outcome of this pregnancy!
