Counteracting Fear with Faith

Here we are, 11 weeks pregnant now, and learning to trust God more than we ever have before.  I know to some, that may be hard to believe.  After all, shouldn't our trust have been the strongest at the moment we learned our son had passed?  Shouldn't our moment of strong trust have been as we held a memorial service for our son.  No, we did trust, but not with the strength we are using today, and to be honest, I know more times will come that will require the courage to trust even more and let our faith outweigh our fear.  Times will come with the business, with our marriage, with our children, and even with our parents.  Trusting God is an everyday practice, that some days I am stronger in doing than others.  I posted my thoughts during my darkest months after our loss of Riley.  It was in those months that I was weak in my trusting, but I never gave up on God.  I may not have listened much when I prayed, but I did not stop talking to him, I just may have yelled more.  Today in our church service, we learned about counteracting our fear with our faith.  Are you counteracting your fear with your faith?

We shared our pregnancy with this rainbow baby so early mostly because we were counteracting our fear with our faith.  We didn't want to use excuses as to why I was gaining weight, or we avoided activities.  We did not believe we were jinxing ourselves, but rather trusting God with the outcome of this child by sharing our news.
With Riley, my belly started expanding early on.  I had not lost all of that pregnancy weight and knew that I would start showing soon.  I was also feeling nauseous and eating crackers in public or avoiding events.  Andrew and I are proud to be such a part of our community and blessed by so many dear friends, that we knew they would catch on to my sudden pregnancy-like behavior.  We also knew that so many people have been praying for us and asking what they could specifically pray for that we decided it was time to tell.  After all, if I miscarry this child or we have another loss, I know I would post about that experience, so why not share in the experience from the beginning.  It is a common practice for us to 'google' everything we want to know more of.  Some of what we read is truth and some is not.  But I 'googled' a lot while we were trying to conceive to learn how mothers felt during their pregnancy after a stillbirth....only to not find much.  Some mothers started blogging, but quit midway through their pregnancy.  Some just shared the news of a baby born alive.  But where is my guide for how I should feel?  Where is the mother who had a stillbirth while starting a business and conceiving after 4 months posts?  Maybe there are some posts out there that I could not find.  So, I decided that part of my honoring Riley, is to talk about how I feel during this pregnancy.  For other women to know that it is normal to be hypersensitive about everything.  To know it is normal to cry over the child you have lost as you try to care for the one you are now carrying.  It is time to quit 'googling' the Internet and start reading my bible more.  If ever there was a time for faith to counteract my fear, now is that time.

The day after we found out we were pregnant, I fell.  I landed mostly on my wrist but I came home sobbing and let my husband embrace me to assure the baby was fine.  Off and on have I felt like I am miscarrying.  No real spotting, just a fear that I have let overwhelm me at times.  I will turn the light on in the middle of the night to make sure there is no blood.  I have found myself in the throws of my own tears and fear, only to use the fetal monitor we purchased or have a doctors appointment remind me that this baby is alive.  My headaches are more intense with this pregnancy as well.  This is all very common for a pregnancy after a loss.  Some days I struggle to believe that we really are pregnant again.  Last night I experienced the most painful, stabbing cramps I have ever had.  I debated whether or not to go to the ER.  Luckily, after some Tylenol and prayers, I feel asleep to wake up feeling only slight cramps.  And then, a blessing from God, I felt the baby move.
As we sat in church today, I was reminded that I have not been letting my faith counteract my fear as much as I should.  As nervous as I will be during this pregnancy, God has not left me.  He has a plan for this child whether it be to take this baby home with him or to let us take this baby home with us.

Sometimes, music can calm my nerves and speak to me in ways that no other person can.  Today I kept thinking of a friend who stopped by the office when I was in my dark months to remind me to get out of the weeds.  He told me to lift my hands up and let God pull me out.  This same friend led the worship band today as they sang, "Your Love Never Fails".   I have discussed in red below the parts of the verses that stood out to me the most.

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

         To me I thought of when my fear is heightened during this pregnancy, he is with me, I just have to talk and listen.  Pray and read.  TRUST.

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
          Many times I did not know when I would see the light again.  Riley is not forgotten.  I feel him with me everyday.  But this baby gives me another purpose in life.  It gives me the hope that I thought was lost.

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good