I have started to blog several times over the past few weeks, only to be taken surprise by my emotion that particular day, or busy with work on another. When I say surprised by my emotion, I mean I was at a level of such peace so when news or even my own thoughts would take me down an emotional path that was difficult to walk, I was in no mood to write, or even talk as I was learning how to feel my new feelings in my time of grief.
I recently read in a book about how many years ago, people would not immediately go back to work after a death in the family. The book went on to say how the family would wear black to show that they were still in a period of mourning so others would know to handle them in a delicate manner.
Unfortunately, when you are drowning in debt and starting your own business, the luxury of taking time off to mourn is not allowed. And honestly, working is what has helped me out of bed each day. Some days I can work and see mothers and children and not think about how jealous of them I am, other days are not so forgiving on my heart. And, if I had all black that fit, as my body is still changing from being 9 months pregnant, I probably would wear it everyday.
Some of my recent thoughts and feelings have been toward the thought of Mother's Day this year. I anticipated how I should feel, what I should do, and what I honestly wanted. Yes, I was pregnant. Yes, I did the best I could to take care of and prepare for our son, Riley, for the short 37 weeks I carried him. But now, a little over 3 months later, I am trying to wrap my mind around the thought of me being a mom. I told Andrew the other day how I aligned the thought of me being a mom with a basketball player getting injured before the game.
A basketball player spends days, weeks, and months training for the team tryouts. When the day comes that the player made the team, the practice season begins. But what if during practice, the player is injured and cannot play during the season games? What if the player is injured during a game, but won't play in the play off games? And what becomes of the player when he has to try out again for the team?
Just like that basketball player, I "tried out" for the mom team. What a glorious day it was when I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test on June 14, 2012. I had made the mom team! I did everything I could think of to strengthen myself and prepare for the first game. Unfortunately, Riley was gone before I could deliver him alive. I did not get to play in the first game. I did not give birth to a live baby or bring my son home. I missed this season. I would love to play in the next season, but I have to try out again. There are lots of prayers, lots of blood, sweat and tears....literally! Each month when my period comes, I am disappointed. I also know that I am at a higher risk for miscarriage or more stillbirths...there are no promises, no guarantees. I know that the next pregnancy will not be easy emotionally, but that would be the same even if I waited years to try again.
It bothers me when people tell me to wait. No one has any idea how I feel. Even if you have had a similar loss, can you tell me that you were under the pressure of a new business? Can you tell me you were surrounded by mothers and children everyday? I do not know that I will be able to get pregnant again. I do know that I would adopt now if I knew that I will not get pregnant again, or if it will take years to get pregnant again. I want to play in the game so bad!
Recently, I have had 2 friends tell me that they know that I will not feel better until I have another baby. They know that is when I will start to feel my purpose. Until then, I am somewhat lost, doing the best I can to actually play in the game and not just be on the team.
Riley helped me make the team, and I will never forget him. Another child will never replace my handsome son with red hair. I am tired of reliving how I should be feeling, or why I should not be jealous, or why I should wait. I want to play in the game and I want to tell my next child all about the first time I made the team.
So if you wonder why I am not celebrating Mother's Day this year, think about what you would do if you made the team, but could not play in the game. Would you want to be with your teammates celebrating their wins, or would you want to sit this first one out as you sit on the bench? I may have played well in the practice, but why should I be rewarded if you couldn't see me play in the game? Please Lord, let me have my chance!
